Bella and The Beastward
by Zhivago3
Summary: A modern re-telling of the classic. Can Bella learn to tame the beast? Rated M for language, lemons, and themes.
1. Prologue

**Welcome to Bella and the Beastward.**

**I've never started something while I was writing something else but this idea wouldn't quit and I had to get it down. I'd like to post every week but life being what it is, I hope you'll forgive me if it doesn't turn out that way.**

**A very special thanks to Zeewriter for encouraging me and being as excited about this idea as I am.**

**A big round of hugs to TheOtherBella who is my coma wrangler (aka beta) for this little romp.**

**I don't own, I just play.**

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**Prologue**

**_May 20th, 2001_**

I didn't want to get up. If I thought I were brave enough, I would have stepped outside my bedroom and jumped off the balcony. The sun wasn't even up yet. I felt… numb. It was two months ago that I went from "this is not my life, this is not my life, this is not my life," to "shut the fuck up, yes it is."

I threw off the covers. The sun would rise soon. One of the advantages of a penthouse was watching it rise and fall over this city. Another advantage was privacy. I rolled out of bed naked, opened the balcony doors off my bedroom, and stepped out into cool morning air. The stones were probably freezing beneath my feet, but I was too numb to give a shit.

The light changed from early morning gray to amber and pink in a matter of minutes. The city woke up beneath me in a chorus of planes overhead and traffic below. I wasn't sure how long I actually stayed there staring and listen at nothing in particular, but nature called and I walked back into the bedroom, past the walk-in closets, to the bathroom. Business done, I washed my hands. That's when I heard a voice I hadn't heard for months.

"_Dude! You are so fucking wasted man!"_

"_Shut it asshole like you're any better. Fuck, look at Cullen – he's gonzo man. Totally Looney Tunes."_

I heard the explosion in my mind, looked at myself in the mirror and seethed at what I saw. It wasn't fucking me, just like this wasn't my fucking life. _Shut up,_ I said out loud. _Yes, it is your life; yes, that is you_. So much for being numb. Next thing I knew there was glass flying everywhere and my fist was wet and red. Fuck, it felt amazing too. I ran to the other two bathrooms and did some more demo. Every mirror I smashed was like sweet relief. It was the best fucking high I'd ever had.

The gilt mirror in the dining room was the last one - it was a big fucker too. I stood up on a chair to get onto the sideboard. I pulled both my arms back, balled my fists and jammed my hands forward until I heard the crash of glass, felt the burn on my knuckles, and felt the last piece of mirror on my bare feet.

I stepped down to the chair, sat down, and started laughing. Nothing about this morning had been funny, but it was the only thing my body wanted to do. It was there, surrounded by shattered glass, naked, and dripping with blood that Lydia found me.

"Mr. Edward," she said calmly, "We get cleaned up, yes?"

Her heavy Polish accent and simple words woke me up out of whatever hysteria I was experiencing. It wasn't until then that I realized how much pain I was in. There were shards of glass coming out of my knuckles and they were raw and bloody. I had glass in my feet, definitely in my hair, and I could feel how swollen my eyes were. When the fuck did I start crying?

"Mr. Edward, up now. Slow."

I did as I was told and screamed in agony.

Somehow we made it to the bathroom around the corner. Lydia set me on toilet seat and quickly left. When she came back she had tweezers, the first aid kit, and a bottle of vodka. She handed me the vodka.

"Drink, take deep breath, and no faint. I not want call ambulance, yes?"

I did as I was told. The tweezing was the worst part. Once the glass was out of my hands and feet, she did things with cotton balls, something that smelled like floor cleaner, needle, thread, and then wrapped everything up in gauze and tape. She gave me a towel to wrap around my waist, two pills, which I assumed were pain killers, and helped me back to the bedroom.

"You rest, I clean."

I couldn't argue with her. Before I knew it I had fallen asleep again.

I woke up to the sounds of a news anchor yakking away. The TV in my room wasn't on and Lydia only watched soaps and game shows. It could only be one other person and I groaned in frustration.

"_Well, today is the first anniversary of the Cullen Family tragedy. The story took the nation by storm last year when Edward Cullen, a handsome, wealthy, soon to be Harvard grad and two of his friends were…"_

"Alice, shut that shit off. I know what fucking day it is."

"_Thank you Patrick. It was exactly one year ago today that Edward Cullen and two of his fellow classmates..."_

"I know you know what fucking day it is. And if I didn't, the thousands shards of broken mirror that Lydia was cleaning up this morning would have tipped me off."

"_Edward Cullen, only son to prominent Boston doctor Carlisle Cullen and his wife Esme Cullen, former model and daughter to the Oscar winning actor Charles Masen…"_

"Not the day to push me, Alice."

"_The trio boarded the Cullen family yacht in the middle of the night, without a crew, cruised around Massachusetts Bay and at approximately 3:30am there was…" _

"Shit, Alice! Turn the fucking thing off!"

"_Although it is unclear to this day exactly what transpired to cause the fire…"_

I sat up way too quickly and the world spun around me. I felt my stomach churn.

"_I was able to speak with Mrs. Cullen earlier this morning."_

Fuck, when would it end? Couldn't they just leave everyone alone already?

"_Is there anything you'd like to say to him Mrs. Cullen?"_

Once the nausea stopped I heard my mother's voice.

"_Only that I miss him more than I can say. I wish you could just pick up the phone and call me."_

"Call your mother, you dick."

"She doesn't want to hear from me."

"Get over it, Edward. She just told Donna Johnson that she wished her son would pick up the phone and call her. She's a model, not an actress. For Christ's sake, call the woman!"

"Did you send her the pink peonies?"

"Of course I did, and a bottle of aged scotch for your father; oh and the latest scholarship candidates are on your desk."

I looked at the bedside clock. It was six thirty in the evening; I had slept through the whole damn day.

"Time for you to leave, Alice."

"Right, of course it is." There was a moment of blessed silence, then: "You're going to die a lonely angry man you know that?"

"I'm planning on it."

"What was that?"

"Get out of here. That's what it was."

"Right. Fine. Why the hell do I put up with this…"

I couldn't hear the rest of her tirade as she stormed out the door and slammed it as hard as her little frame could manage. When I knew I was alone I slowly got out of bed. I walked back out onto the balcony to watch the city wind down and slowly turn off. I knew all too well what day it was. Exactly one year ago I killed my friends and, in the process, turned into the beast I am today.

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**A/N**

**I have the next two chapters done but before I post them, I would really love to know what you think...**


	2. Chapter 1, Someday

**I am overwhelmed by the amazing response I've gotten from all of you! From reviews, to author/story alerts and even fave story adds. Pressure is on… yikes.**

**I don't own, I just play.**

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**Chapter 1: Someday**

**_August 31st 2009_**

I was turning 30 and my life was beige. I live in a studio apartment that I can barely afford in Brooklyn. I have long-ish, wavy-ish, brown-ish hair. Plain brown eyes, pale skin, and a body that I like well enough. I'm smart enough to not sound stupid and have a boring-ass job at Urban Express as a dispatcher. At least the delivery morons are fun - dumb, wacko, horny, maybe more than slightly off their rockers, but fun. I would leave my apartment at 7:30am, have lunch at noon, and was home by 6:00pm Monday through Friday.

I lived a boring life to support my real passion, jewelry. I'm a jewelry designer. Most of my stuff is inspired by my childhood in Santa Fe. It's one of the most magical places in the world - the colors, the textures, the culture; everything was an inspiration for me there. I haven't been back in years though, it's too expensive. I have vivid memories though. Sunsets, the smell of burning sage, hell even flash floods.

My step-mother, Sue, is my supplier and that sounds way more interesting than it really is. She sends me silver beads, chunks of turquoise and any other stones or material she thinks I might like. So far, I've only sold my stuff on Etsy, but one day… I actually have no idea what will happen one day, but I keep hoping "it" will happen.

My only friend-in-the-flesh is Jake. He's one of the delivery guys I work with. He's damn near seven foot tall, a warm caramel color, all long lean muscles, long shiny black hair, dark brown eyes, and some mixed heritage of Mexican, Native American, and French. He's stunning, he's single, he's gayer than a Judy Garland Marathon. Not that anyone knows that but me, of course. Bike messenger-ing is a sport in this city and athletes don't come out of the closet until they retire.

Most of the guys at the dispatch office thought we were a thing. That was fine by me; kept their grimy paws off of me and their nasty little comments away from Jake. Jake and my measly family in Santa Fe were the only family I had. Friends were few and far between. The only other person I considered a friend was Rosalie, she was my non-in-the-flesh-friend; in other words, we had never met. She makes these amazing handbags and accessories out of scraps of suede and leather – very sexy, very rock and roll. We commented on each other's Etsy shops one day and from there a relationship bloomed. We've talked, we texted, we've skyped, we'd never met up for ice cream, but we would someday.

Someday seems to be a theme for me. Someday I'd get on the pages of Vogue, someday I'd meet up with Rosie, someday I'd find a guy, someday I'd have the funds to go back home. Someday I'd be the cool awesome kick-ass person I knew I was buried deep inside.

"_Hola corazon_."

"Mario."

"Bella, when are you going to leave the giant? How does that even work huh? He's like three times bigger than you. It would be real easy with me, _caramelo_… we'd fit together so good."

"Ya, I could carry you around in my purse, real convenient huh?"

"Why you gotta be a bitch, huh?"

"Because that's what dogs deserve, Mario. Now be a good puppy and take this to the Time Warner Building."

I felt a large, warm hand on my shoulder.

"Problem here?"

"No Jake, Mario here was just being schooled on proper dog pound etiquette, weren't you, Mario?"

"Oh, so you got jokes now, huh?"

Jake moved my bra and tank strap off my shoulder, bent over, and kissed it lightly. I actually got shivers.

"I think," Jake said, while he put my straps back in place, "you need to leave. And just remember that if you call her a bitch again, I'll neuter you."

We watched as Mario, proverbial tail between his legs, left the dispatch office. When we knew we were alone, we started laughing.

"Shit, Jake, that was priceless!"

"I know, how fucking smooth was I?"

"Like buttah, Barbara, like buttah."

Jake curtsied.

"Hey, there's a pick up near Chinatown by the court house, can you get me…"

"…Dan Dan Noodles at Big Wong's?"

"The day you decide you're straight you let me know, ok? I can make my own engagement ring and everything."

"Sweetness, the day I decide I'm straight is the day you take Mario up on his offer."

I sighed loudly. That was my life. Stuck between a gay man and a horn-dog who thought he was Casanova.

"Get out of here and don't forget the hot sauce!"

"Have I ever?"

"No of course not, Mary Poppins."

"_Ciao_," he pecked me on the cheek.

"_Ciao_."

I watched his perfectly sculpted ass walk out the back door – so unfair. I let my head drop to the desk and wallow in self pity. My phone started ringing Warrant's "Cherry Pie." It was Rosie. She reminded me of the video chick, Jani Lane - all blonde, big boobs, red lips, and leather. Jake's ring tone, not surprisingly, was Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy."

"Bella Swan, waste of feminine space."

"Don't be such a drama queen."

"Were you calling me for a reason or just to make me feel worse?"

"Reason."

"Spill."

"Emmett."

"The hot butcher guy?"

"Yessssssssss!"

I sat up straight.

"I need deets. What happened?"

Rosie lived right around the corner from one of the last remaining butchers and meat packing plants in the meat packing district downtown. Most of the plants moved to Jersey when the real estate got too pricey no thanks to Diane Von Furstenberg and a slew of trendy eateries. McCarty's Fine Meats was still standing though.

Since Rosie actually cares about her health, she runs every morning by the river. One lucky morning she ran into, like literally ran into, Emmett. They way she describes him is big. Oh and dimples. Oh and wearing a stained white butcher's apron and coat. Big, dimples, and unexplainable stains - the picture of Emmett was a little twisted. They introduced themselves to each other and had been playing this seriously adorable school yard flirting game for weeks.

"He finally asked me out!"

"Rosie!"

"I know!"

We squealed as girls are won't to do about cute boys and she gave me the details. She saw him as she was running toward the river, as per usual. But that day some dick was getting a little too fresh with the cat calling across the street. Without pause, Emmett crossed the street, punched the guy straight in the nose, said something manly that she couldn't hear, and crossed the street again.

Overcome with feminine hormones at the butch display before her, Rosie grabbed Emmett by the bloody apron, pulled him toward her and planted a big old sloppy kiss on him. Apparently after they caught their breaths, Emmett uttered one word: "Dinner?" Rosie nodded, told him to pick her up at seven in front her building on Saturday and then went on her run.

"I need you here and I need jewelry."

"Here as in your place? As in face-to-face?"

"Hells, yes!"

We did some more squealing before we both calmed down and made plans. Not long after we hung up, Jake dropped off my noodles… extra hot sauce. It was then that I realized that one of my "somedays" was about to become a reality. I was actually going to meet up with Rosalie. I just had to figure out what kind of ice cream to bring.

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**A/N**

**Next chapter is written, just getting a final editing. If you've read my first story "Bliss," then you know I'm particularly partial to gay Jakes. Anywhoo, any thoughts? I know it was a short chapter… more on ice cream and Rosie in the next one.**


	3. Chapter 2, Peach Melba

**Readers, even thought the last chapter was just a little thing you still rev'd and added me to your lists, and I am oh so appreciative. Major thanks to TheOtherBella, this chapter is a different animal now thanks to her. I also have to thank my oldest (since 4****th**** grade!) friend, Pineapple (that's an alias folks), for allowing me to use Peach Melba at all. It's actually her philosophy and it's oddly accurate. Read on for the genius that is The Peach Melba Test…**

**I don't own, I just play.**

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**Chapter 2: The Peach Melba Test**

**_Saturday September 2, 2009_**

The Peach Melba Test goes way back.

I once asked Sue why she married my father. Don't get me wrong; I think the man is wonderful, but he's not what you'd call good with words, or a great dancer, or a snappy dresser, or a great cook… you get the point. She said it had to do with peach melba ice cream.

"Go on…" I said, because really it begged for an explanation.

Her first husband of twenty-something years was a nice man. He was hard working and treated her well, and they had a very nice life together. They got married young after she became pregnant, and he was an excellent provider. She was happy. Things were simple and pleasant. That being said, she never once used the word "love." When I brought this up she said, "That's because his favorite ice cream was peach melba."

"What the hell is peach melba ice cream, Sue?"

"Yes, exactly," she said before she burst into a fit of laughter.

Peach melba. The name says it all right? Sounds like something a sweet southern lady with many floral hats and at least three cats would make on a Sunday afternoon. It was so… blah. No spice, no pizzazz, nothing of interest whatsoever. Now if my grandmother said her favorite ice cream was peach melba, I wouldn't think twice of it - but a grown man? You get the point.

The next question of course was: "So what's Charlie's favorite ice cream?" Other than the occasional root bear float, I didn't see Charlie eating much ice cream.

"Black walnut. He's a homemade classic, with a dark, indulgent streak." At the eyebrow waggle she gave me, I burst into fits of laughter myself. Some people shrink at embarrassment, I laugh like a loon. I was happy that Sue and my dad were together, but I didn't need to think about what warranted the eye waggle. After my little bout with embarrassed giggles, I was able to think about black walnut ice cream.

Oddly enough, Sue was right. Charlie was a classic. They didn't make guys like him anymore. As for dark and indulgent… well, God forbid someone even come close to hurting Sue and me, he'd became this coiled dragon ready to strike. For example, I was almost in a car accident in high school. I was in the parking lot when a classmate's car slipped on ice and started careening toward me. Luckily someone pulled me out of the way and I didn't have a scratch on me, but Charlie almost arrested the poor kid who was driving. Charlie was definitely black walnut ice cream.

Sue's philosophy only applied toward men, but since I didn't have one (although Jake's favorite flavor was Cherry Garcia); I used the philosophy toward everyone I met. As with most things, men were easier to explain away than women. Women are far too emotional for rational answers sometimes. Just as an example, when I first started at the delivery office there was another girl working with me. She was way too emo for her own good. She had this whole Renaissance Faire meets Marilyn Manson thing going on. I asked her what her favorite ice cream flavor was and her answer was chocolate chocolate chip because, "We live in a dark world that is only accented by further darkness." Spare me. I live in a coffee Heath bar crunch world because coffee is the elixir of the gods and Heath bars rock my socks.

I was meeting Rosie for the first time and along with bags and bags of jewelry, I was bringing ice cream too. Since it was just the way I rolled, I had to test her, ice cream-wise. So I decided to get something Peach Melba-ish, and something awesome. I was sure she would pass, but you can't be too careful. Rosie told me there was a well stocked mini-mart two blocks from her place. I wound up with Pistachio (an ice cream flavor that is a crime against ice cream), and Karamel Sutra – thank you Ben and Jerry for being so wonderful.

I was wearing a simple long, navy blue linen shift dress, some flip flops, a long chunky cuff that took me almost two weeks to finish, but I loved to pieces, and a turquoise beaded belt that Sue bought me for the beads, but was too pretty to cut up. I wear that thing all the time. Although it was officially September, it was still hot and soupy and I was grateful for my collection of desert-style, linen clothing.

I was in a large freight-type elevator going to the third floor of Rosie's building and was humming with anticipation. It was silly really, it wasn't like we didn't know each other – we spoke almost everyday. But we all know that speaking on a phone and speaking in person are totally different bags. When the elevator doors opened, there was Miss Cherry Pie herself in a deep blue kimono, barefoot, with her perfect blonde hair falling perfectly over her perfect shoulders. She was just as stunning in person as in every picture and web chat we'd had. I wish I could say that we didn't get all girly and emotional but… we got all girly and emotional.

"It's really you," she sniffled. I sniffled back in response.

We walked and sniffled down the hall to her apartment which was larger than mine (not that that was difficult), but by no means a loft either. The apartments in her building were originally larger industrial spaces that the owner had cut into three apartments. You could probably fit two and half of my studios into hers. First thing I noticed when I walked in were her two dining tables. One was a pretty glass table with candles and flowers on it, and the other was an old beat-up wood monstrosity covered in strips of leather, various colored suedes, and bags of zippers. I smiled at my fellow crafts-women as I handed her the ice cream bag. She pulled out the first pint and crinkled her nose.

"I really hope you like pistachio ice cream because it makes me gag." She reached for the second and I got the reaction I was hoping for. "But oooo, Bella, anything with caramel is my friend!"

"Oh, thank God! I am so glad you said that."

The Peach Melba Test was then dutifully explained.

"Oh man, I'm gonna have to ask Emmett tonight. Oh my God, Emmett! I can't believe I'm actually going on a date with that hunka hunka burning love."

"Seriously?"

"What? So I'm an Elvis fan… sue me."

"Fair enough. Is it fashion show time?"

"Oh, definitely."

We went through about four outfits before we decided on a simple, black cotton halter dress. It was practically shapeless on the hanger, but on, it hugged her chest then fell straight to her ankles so perfectly. It's the sexiest cotton dress I've ever seen, but somehow I know that it would just be a halter dress on me. Meh, that's ok, we can't all be Sweet Cherry Pies.

We then decided on this particularly awesome asymmetrical abalone shell necklace that rested perfectly over her left clavicle. She had some killer criss-cross copper flats that she had attacked with a hot glue gun – they were covered in thousands of little coppery studs, and along with one of her shredded to high hell brown suede bags, she was set. If even I was ready to jump her bones, I could only imagine how a hot blooded man was going to react.

Fashion finished, we gorged ourselves on ice cream. She ran everyday after all, she could spare the calories - plus, I suspect she was way more nervous than she was letting on.

"So do you know where he's taking you?"

"Nope. No idea. Oh jeez, Bella, what if it's someplace awful? What if he takes me to some cheesy Italian place 'cause he thinks it's romantic?"

"Then you grin and bear it and remember he's your hunka hunka burning love."

There was a silent beat then: "Shit, Bella. You know I haven't had a friend that was girl since college. I'm girlfriend repellent or something."

"Would that be because you reek of bitch and look like a pin-up?"

"Aww, gosh that's sweet."

"Ya, well. My only other friend is a gay man who I would marry if he would only lay off the men."

"I have to meet Jake someday by the way."

"Ya, you do, and I miss girl talk with a real girl, too." I glanced at my watch, "Oh man, it's 5:45. You have to get ready and I should go." We got up and hugged each other for a good solid minute. Before I walked out her door I had to make sure she would call me in the morning.

"I want details, young lady. If you don't call me before noon, I'm just going to assume there was some wonderful hunka hunka lovin' that went down."

"Bella, what kind of girl do you take me for? No nookie until the fifth date."

"You harlot, you."

"I only play one on TV."

"You know this is doing nothing for the cool hard ass bitch thing you think you're pulling off."

"You don't know the half it - I crochet too!"

I left her to primp and preen, calculating exactly how long it had been since I had to prep for a date. I was realizing it was something along the lines of eight months when a flash of blue and aqua caught my eye. I looked again and a saw the back of a head. She was tiny and could have been fourteen or so, but the clothes were way too fierce for a teen. She was wearing black dress shorts, a black vest, and a white tank. There were some impossibly high yellow heels on her feet, a killer leopard clutch, and her arms jingled with bangles. She walked like she was on a runway but it was her hair that had me drooling. She was sporting a black pixie cut, but there was every imaginable shade of blue highlighted through it. Then, when she passed under a street lamp I realized it wasn't black at all, but the darkest shade of blue. It was anime hair and it was amazing.

I stopped just slightly behind her at the crosswalk and continued to admire the fashion plate.

I want to be you when I grow up! What the hell, Bella? You are grown up; you're about to turn 30. Put on your big girl panties and…

"Stellar cuff."

Huh?

"Must have cost a fortune, not that it matters. Accessories make the outfit, as far as I'm concerned."

Why is Pixie cut talking to me?

"You can totally ignore me if I'm being nosy, but how much and where?"

"Free."

"Lucky bitch, some guy must really…"

"No, no. I mean I made it."

She looked at me and a slow devilish smile crept onto her perfectly little glossy lips.

"I'm Alice," her small non-bangled hand popped up to shake mine.

"Bella."

"So, Bella the jewelry designer, the belt yours too?"

"No actually, I was going to cut it up for beads but I like it too much as a belt."

"Wise decision," she said and we crossed the street. "I mean I'm all for repurposing but sometimes you just have to leave the good stuff in tact. Right?"

"Right."

"So, Bella, where do you sell your stuff and how can I get it?"

"Actually, right now I'm only selling on Etsy and ebay."

"See, that right there is a phenomenal shame; I mean, if the rest of your stuff is anything like this, then it should totally be at Saks, or oooo, maybe you should start coordinating with designers. I mean Stella's stuff has been a little blah lately, but can you just imagine what a burst of your stones would do?"

"Stella?"

"McCartney, of course."

"Oh, right of course."

"So, give me your card, I am so checking out your stuff tonight."

"I… don't have a card," I answered, a little embarrassed.

"Oh honey, we have got to get you hooked up! Let's do brunch tomorrow at my place, we can figure out this whole unfortunate situation."

"Umm, we've only just met though."

"Right, so what better way to get to know each other than brunch?"

"I guess nothing really."

I was so overwhelmed by the whirlwind that Alice apparently was, that I walked directly into something solid.

"OOOF!"

A pair of hands braced my shoulders.

"You okay there, ma'am?" asked a soft, calming, man's voice, there was a lilting quality to it, almost Southern.

I looked up to see a pair of blue eyes, looking concerned.

"I'm fine. Oh man, I'm sorry about that," I said as I took a step back.

"It's okay, Alice has that effect on people."

"Jasper! Don't scare her away just yet. I lose more friends this way, I swear."

Alice made her way to Jasper's side and kissed his cheek.

"Jasper, this is Bella, Bella, this is Jasper, my fiancé."

Jasper was about 5'10", long lean frame, but obviously strong. He was a seriously handsome man with a laid back subtle style that I didn't think Alice had a hand in. He seemed to radiate confidence and tranquility. They were an odd pair.

"It's nice to meet you. I actually only just met Alice two minutes ago?"

Jasper chuckled to himself.

"She's something, isn't she?"

"She certainly is."

It took me a minute to realize that we were standing in front of some trendy restaurant with a crowd of equally trendy people milling about.

"Bella and I are having brunch tomorrow. She's an incredibly talented jewelry designer and I've made it my mission to make her a wild success! Isn't that exciting?"

It was, but it was news to me.

"Alice, sweetheart, have you even asked Bella if she wants to be a wild success?"

"Oh don't be ridiculous, Jasper. Talent like hers needs to be exposed."

"Alice, really, this is very sweet, but I don't want you going out of your way to…"

"Out of my way? Oh please, Bella, this is what friends do, we go out of our way for each other."

"Wait, what? Friends?"

"Yes, friends. Didn't I tell you? We're going to be the best of friends."

I needed way more time than a few seconds to absorb everything but instead, I went with my gut.

"Well, then how can I say no, right?"

She squealed jumped up and down for a second then pulled me into hug. When I could breathe again, we exchanged numbers and settled on a time and place for our brunch. It wasn't too far away actually, a little Belgian place that she swore has amazing crepes. I said my goodbyes to Jasper, and promised Alice I'd be on time the following morning. They turned around and were about to walk into the restaurant when I shouted out to her.

"Alice! Hey, Alice!"

"Ya?"

"What's your favorite ice cream?"

She didn't blink, ask why, or hesitate for even a second.

"Anything with rainbow sprinkles on it!"

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**A/N**

**I happen to love rainbow sprinkles, anyone else? Let me know...**


	4. Chapter 3, Phantom

**Dear Readers: I hope you enjoy this one as much as I enjoyed imagining it… yum.**

**Theotherbella did another fantabulous job of beta-ing this puppy - *hugs***

**Just a quick warning: There is a _NON-CANON PAIRING_ in this. If that turns you off, please skip the middle of this chapter. **

**I don't own, I just play.**

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**Chapter 3, Phantom**

_**September 2009**_

I fucking hated the theatrics. The name, the masks, the whole persona was a lie. Once a month though, I put up with it because Madame Zafrina sent someone discreet over. I'd been pretending to be into S&M just to get my rocks off for years now. I wasn't particularly proud of it, either. I couldn't live like a monk, though. I tried that for a year and it was a blue, frustrating failure.

Of course, the problem was, how could I get women to fuck me? More importantly how did I get women to fuck me without them seeing me, or figuring out anything about me? I couldn't do "dates." I couldn't pick up some random chick either. I needed privacy and I needed silence. I didn't know how to find it until one day a business card appeared in my wallet. It hadn't been there the day before and I sure as shit hadn't put it there. It was a black card with white lettering, Madame Zafrina: 917-555-2424.

I'd like to think that is wasn't Alice, my darling cousin, who slipped the card into my wallet, but I was fairly certain it was. I never asked her and I never will. In my previous life, I scoffed at the thought of buying pussy. I didn't have to do that shit. I was Edward-fucking-Cullen, and Edward-fucking-Cullen didn't need to buy women, Edward-fucking-Cullen smiled and winked at a girl and she was his for as long he wanted her. I wasn't Edward-fucking-Cullen anymore though, I was Edward Masen. And Edward Masen called Madame Zafrina and told her his name was Phantom. Phantom wanted a discreet girl who was into role playing, S&M, and wouldn't ask questions.

That was eight years ago. I didn't need to call Madame Zafrina anymore; she just knew to send me a girl on the first Thursday of the month. Over the years I'd been with dozens of girls - all colors and sizes. I liked the variety, but more importantly, I didn't like fucking the same girl twice - they started to know what I liked, how I liked it, and that was already getting too personal. Madame Zafrina understood and made sure to find me new girls every month. I didn't know or ask where she found them. I trusted her to supply me with an attractive, willing, disease- free girl, and she did. They arrived at my apartment, they followed my directions, I fucked them until I was satiated, I told them where the envelope was, and locked the door after them.

At 10 P.M. on the dot my doorbell rang.

"It's open."

In walked a stunning strawberry blonde. She was wearing a tight little strapless black dress, fuck-me heels, red glossy lips, and her body was amazing - long, smooth, lean. Her breasts were perky and not too big, legs were long and shapely, her arms were toned, and her long neck had cascades of that strawberry hair gracing it. She obviously worked hard on her body, down to the perfectly sun-kissed tan she was sporting. What I wouldn't have given to touch her softly, feel her hair across my chest. I wanted to undress her slowly, savor every curve.

"Stop right there. What's your name?"

"Tanya."

"Tanya, undress for me... slowly."

She lifted her left arm and reached around with her right hand. Slowly, she unzipped her dress. I could see the hint of the top of her breasts as her dress loosened around her. She inched down the fabric slowly, just as I had asked. Her black lace strapless bra was exposed to me first. Her ribs and torso, then the expanse of her stomach came next. She turned her back to me once the dress passed her hips. She bent over slightly and pushed the fabric further down revealing a matching lace thong. Her ass, not surprisingly, was firm and smooth.

She let the dress pool at her feet and stepped away from it. She turned back around to me and reached behind her to unclasp her bra. Just once I wanted to be there when the fabric fell. I wanted to lick at her nipples - nibble them. Make her shiver and moan just slightly before I sucked and kissed them. Instead I watched the lace fall to the ground without me. No sooner had she finished with her bra then her thumbs were hooked into the lace on her hips, ready to pull them off for me. I knew she'd be shaved clean - she was the type.

She let the thong fall down her legs revealing a perfectly smooth snatch. She stepped away from the puddle at her feet and was about to bend over to remove the shoes when I stopped her.

"Keep the shoes on, Tanya."

"Yes, sir."

Call me Edward, please. Take off your shoes, come to my bed, let me look at you, touch you, explore you.

Using a remote, I lowered the lights until the apartment around us was just barely visible. I walked toward her from the darkened hallway and stalked toward her slowly. When I was half-way toward her, I threw a blindfold at her feet.

"Did I tell you to call me sir, Tanya?"

"No s... I mean, no."

"Put on the blindfold, Tanya."

I always wore a mask and gloves but it didn't hurt to be careful: plus it added to the 'Phantom' persona. She obeyed and stood there before me naked, in her heels, blond hair caressing her shoulders, eyes covered. She was delectable. I walked to her until she was mere inches from me. Her nipples were hard, her breathing heavy. She was excited by the charade. I took a leather-clad gloved hand and flicked her nipple. She moaned. The sound went right to my dick.

I was getting hard being so close to the naked woman before me. I walked around her, took off my left glove, and let my finger trail down her body. Starting at her neck, down between her shoulder blades, further down her spine, past her waist, down the crack of her tight ass, and listened to her breath hitch. I put my glove back on, pulled her toward me by her shoulders, and let her feel exactly how ready I was for her.

"Do you feel that, Tanya?"

"Yes."

"Does it please you to know that you did that to me?"

"Yes."

"I'm going to bind your hands now, Tanya. You'd like that wouldn't you?"

"Yes."

"The moment you don't like something you say Yo-yo. Do you understand, Tanya?"

"Yes."

"Good. Now be a good girl and give me your hands."

She reached behind and rested her hands against her ass. I took out the satin cuffs that I had stuffed into my back pocket earlier, snapped one onto each hand, then tied them together. They were just tight enough for her to feel restricted but not immobile. I leaned over to whisper into her ear.

"I'm going to take you to my bed now. Would you like that, Tanya?"

"Yes."

"I'm going to fuck you. Do you want me to fuck you, Tanya?"

"Yes," she answered breathily.

"Tell me: tell me you want me to fuck you, Tanya."

She paused, took a breath, then answered me. "I want you to fuck me," she said, her voice higher than before.

"Good girl."

I grabbed the knot I had made in the cuffs and carefully, slowly, tugged. I began walking, never letting go, making sure it was slow enough for her to follow without tripping. After all, she was walking backward, through an unknown space, naked, blindfolded, and wearing four inch heels. I never took the girls to my real bedroom, but one of the guest rooms instead. When we reached the darkened bedroom I turned her around and placed a pillow on the floor just by the bed's edge and her feet. I unbuttoned my pants, slid down the zipper, and pulled them down just low enough for my erection to be exposed and the zipper to be out of her way, but no more.

"There's a pillow at your feet, Tanya. Kneel on it."

She fumbled just slightly, but was kneeling before me a moment later.

"You're going to blow me now, Tanya, aren't you."

"Yes."

"Who made me hard, Tanya?"

"I did."

"That's right, Tanya. Do you want to suck my cock now?"

"Yes," she answered with a desperate edge.

"Show me how much, Tanya."

I scooted closer to the edge of the bed. She stuck her tongue out to find my length, and when she found the back side of it, I hissed. Her cool tongue licked my already engorged dick and before I knew it, her lips were around me. Her hair cascaded on what little skin I had exposed and the satiny, silky strands, passing against my body was almost more stimulating than her mouth.

She bobbed up and down, letting her tongue drag up with every move. She scraped my dick every so slightly with her teeth and I moaned. She was excellent and I decided to let her milk me. She could get me hard again easily, her mouth was amazing. The warmth of her breath, the feel of her hair, the suckling noises she made... it wasn't long before I could feel myself starting to tense. I grunted and she knew I was close. She doubled her efforts, her teeth, her tongue, her lips, her hair sweeping against me. It was too much, I steadied her head with my hands just as I growled and came with warm spurts into her mouth.

I could hear her swallow when I pulled her head away.

"You made me very happy, Tanya."

She smiled a sly little smile. She knew she was good at her job.

"I think you deserve a treat. What do you think?"

"Yes, please."

"So polite, Tanya. What a good girl..."

I helped her onto her feet and pulled my pants back up. I reached around her, pressing my body against her tits and undid the knot in her cuffs. I led her, by the cuff straps, to the side of the bed, and pushed her gently onto the surface. Pulling her arms up over her head and asking her to lie down, I tied her cuff straps up to the headboard.

I wanted so much to pull off my mask and bury my head between her legs - to smell her there, to taste her there. I hadn't tasted a woman in that way for years. I most likely never would again, either. I couldn't follow my instincts of course, because I... I just couldn't. What I could do was finger her and make her come for me. I needed the rest before I fucked her, and anyway, watching her writhe because of my hand would get me hard again. If it didn't, I could always have her suck me off.

I took off my left glove and sat on the edge of the bed. I licked my finger and circled it around her left nipple. She shivered slightly. I traced a path down between her tits, past her ribs, beyond her belly button until I was just at the tip of her pussy. I let my finger trace the smoothness of her slit. She raised her hips to me.

"Now, now Tanya, you'll have to control yourself better than that if you want me to let you come."

Bullshit. I wanted to see her twist and shake and ache for me. I wanted her falling to pieces because I got her off so well. Instead, I was Phantom. I pushed my finger past her lips and had to stifle a groan. She liked the game plenty - she was wet for me. I pushed my finger as deeply as I could and began feeling around gauging her reaction. I wanted to find her spot, that one little centimeter of flesh that would have her panting and squirming.

Despite my bullshit "warning," she wiggled, she shook, she snaked about, and then she bucked and gasped. Found it. I should have said something to keep up my guise, but watching the woman beneath me fall apart because of one solitary finger was too precious to waste with words. She was trying, poor thing, to keep herself in control, but she wasn't succeeding. When she started moaning in earnest, my dick began twitching again.

"That's it, Tanya, moan for me."

She was a mess and I was ready to watch her come. I pulled my finger out and pressed it again her clit. She cried out, began grinding in mid-air before everything stopped and she fell back to the bed, panting. Just to be sure she had come from her G, I slipped my fingers inside of her. She was so fucking slick. She had come and she had come hard. Feeling her moisture on my fingers, seeing how spent she was, it brought my dick to instant attention.

I quickly untied her cuffs, unzipped my pants, and let my dick free.

"On your knees now, Tanya," I ordered brusquely.

Her firm, tanned ass was in front of me, but before I could even admire her naked core, I had rolled on a condom, taken a hold of her hips, and rammed myself into her. I let out a slow fuuuuuuck, and poor, un-expecting Tanya, made a sound like chipmunk before leaning into my thrusts. She met me move-for-move, banging into my groin and pulling away before impaling herself again. Shit, she was good.

I let myself fuck her hard. I let myself bang into her sweet little ass. I let myself curse, and groan, and grunt as I fucked her senseless.

"You like me fucking you, Tanya?"

"Yes..." she barely got out.

"I can't fucking hear you, Tanya!"

"YES," she screamed.

"You like my dick inside of you..."

"Fuck, yes!"

"I want to hear you come for me, Tanya. You fucking come for me when I tell you to, understand me?"

"YES!"

"On your back right now," I demanded as I pulled out.

This was a personal no-no. I only ever fucked them from behind. If I could see their faces while I fucked them, it was salt on the wound. They couldn't see me through the blindfold or the mask and watching what my body was doing to them was too intimate, to tender, too much. But this girl, this Tanya, was so damn good. I wanted to see her tits bouncing, I wanted to see her mouth open and gasp; I wanted to see her buck into me.

I wanted.

She flipped onto her back quickly and spread her legs for me. My weeping dick wanted to bury itself inside, but I had to make sure her hands were secured. It only ever happened once that a girl pulled off her blindfold, but once was enough. Once she was tied back up, I placed one leg up on my shoulder and soothed my aching dick by pushing it inside her once again.

She shuddered and sucked in a breath between her teeth. I wasn't going to last long, watching her react to me was more than I was used to. Seeing her mouth move and her breasts bounce, and her hair spread across the pillows was more than I could handle. I pulled my glove off and pressed my middle finger into her clit, rubbing furiously.

"Remember when I told you to come for me, Tanya."

"Yessssss," she hissed and licked her lips.

Fuck that was it; I was going to come...

"NOW, TANYA!"

I could feel her clench around my length, and I came the second I felt her slow release warm the tip of my dick. I slammed into her pelvis and screamed silently to nothing as I went over the edge, spasming one, twice, three times.

I took a shuddering deep breath in before pulling out of her. I placed her leg on the bed again and stumbled into the en-suite bathroom. I turned on the light and pulled off my mask.

"What the fuck did you just do?" I whispered angrily to myself. "Shit, you want her again, don't you?"

And that right there was the reason I only ever fucked from behind. Fucking a girl twice lead to a third time and even if they were professionals, three, four, or five times with the same girl was too close for my comfort. I pulled the condom from my semi-hard dick and flushed it. I splashed some water on my face and put my mask back on. I pulled up my pants, fastened them, passed Tanya without looking at her, and went to get the girl's clothing.

When I got back to the bedroom, she was just as I left her. As I untied her hands, I explained how the evening would be ending.

"I'm placing your clothes on the corner of the bed. The light is on in the bathroom. Take your time getting ready. When you're done, place the blindfold back on and knock on the bedroom door. I'll see you to the front hall."

I stepped out, closed the door, and sank to the floor. I was both thrilled and angry that I wouldn't be seeing this one again. She sparked something in me that I didn't like... hope.

About twenty minutes later, she knocked on the door.

"Is your blindfold on, Tanya?" I asked from the floor.

"Yes."

I stood up and opened the door to find Tanya in the same shape she had been in when she walked through my front door hours ago. I took her naked hands into my gloved ones and led her slowly, carefully to the front hall. I let go of her hands and stepped back into the darkness.

"The envelope is on the table by the door, next to the horse statue. You may leave the blindfold there." I paused, the next part always stung a little, for me more than them, "Good night, Tanya."

Using the remote, I made the room brighter for her. I watched her take off the blindfold, blink a few times and get her bearings. She turned around, found the envelope and left the blindfold as instructed. She opened the front door, but before closing it behind her she said, "Thank you, it was incredible."

I closed the distance to the front entrance, waiting until I heard the elevator ding before locking the door for the night. I took the blindfold in my hands and silently thanked her too.

**A/N**

**So… ya. Can't wait to hear what you're thinking.**


	5. Chapter 4, Casablanca

**So my lovely readers, how about some girl-time? Maybe a little Beastward toward the end hmmm?**

**A huge stellar all warm and gooey thanks to Theotherbella for beta-ing. Seriously, without her this wouldn't make much sense.**

**I don't own, I just play**

* * *

**Chapter 4, Casablanca**

**_Monday September 4th, 2009_**

"Bella!"

I had just walked into Spice Market, where Alice has asked me to meet. The girl behind the counter asked me if I had reservation when I heard Alice yelling for me.

"Just this way, then," said the pretty girl smiling at me. I followed her and Alice stood up to attack me. Small but mighty, that girl was. I sat down across from a positively bouncing Alice and smiled.

"Isn't this place amazing? The colors? And just wait 'til you taste the food, Bella! Everything is amazing here." She was right, the place was wonderful but I was more amused by her enthusiasm, I wondered if anything could possibly bring the girl down.

A moment later, a cute waiter in a grass-green silk shirt dropped off two bright pink glasses of something.

"You can thank me later," Alice quipped before I could even ask. She lifted her glass. "To the start of a beautiful friendship."

We clinked glasses and I took a sip of sweet, sparkling, luscious heaven.

"Oh, Alice... I'm thanking you now. This is amazing! What the hell is it?"

"Isn't it just? It's a raspberry lychee Bellini."

"It's heaven and we're going to need more of them."

Alice sighed contentedly. "I knew I liked you."

We ordered soon after, just a bunch of different things to share, everything was family-style, anyway. No sooner had the spring rolls arrived than my cell rang. Now, my cell didn't ring often. I knew all of about five people and I was annoyed that I hadn't turned off my ringer - it was rude!

"Well, aren't you going to answer it?"

"It's rude, whoever it is can wait until after lunch."

"Jeez, you have good self control. I mean, not that I don't appreciate it and all, but what if it's important?"

"There's nothing so important that..." I cut myself off, there was one thing important enough, "ROSIE!"

"Rosie?"

"Alice, would you mind if I?"

"Bella, Bella, Bella..." she tsked shaking her head. I smiled and answered on the last ring.

"I'm in love," she sighed when I answered the phone.

"Rosie, it was one date; you are most definitely not in love."

"She could be..." interrupted Alice. "I knew the moment I saw my Jazzy that he was it - it was as if I had been waiting for him," she said dreamily.

"Who's that?" asked Rose.

"That's Alice, I sort of made a new friend last night," I explained, a little confused by it all myself.

"Sort of," Alice scoffed. "Hand me the phone please, Bella," Alice asked somewhat seriously.

"Rose? Hi, Alice. We are definitely friends and I definitely need to hear more...mhmmm...really? Awww...so cute! No...oh ya...yes, you have to...yes, I'm serious...intrude? Holy hell, girl, get over it. What is it with you two and the manners? Spice Market...I know, me too! It's ordered already...raspberry lychee Bellini...done...see ya!" Alice hung up and handed me my phone. "She'll be here in ten minutes, just need to order her a Bellini."

Alice waved her hand, found a waiter, ordered a Bellini for Rose and another round for us before digging into the spring rolls.

"Not hungry?" she asked, reaching for another roll.

"Ya, I'm hungry. Dazed and in awe, but hungry."

I made a calculated decision to not ask questions. Alice was obviously some special breed of human not yet categorized by the scientific community - it was best to go with the flow and not rustle any feathers. The drinks arrived, along with the crab dumplings and Rose. There were hugs and hellos then a long gulp of a Bellini before Alice immediately zeroed in on Rose's bag. It was one of Rose's own creations in a soft buttery suede with silver o-rings and zippers all over the place.

"Seriously? Can I pick 'em or what? I not only get two friends for the price of one, but two projects too! It's too much! Oh girls, we are totally going to get you two famous in a hurry. I mean, why isn't Nicole Ritchie wearing that bag right now?"

"Alice, I ask myself that question everyday," answered Rose with utter sincerity.

"So first things first, we need the right people wearing your stuff right?"

"Right," Rose and I answered in unison.

"We totally need Angela and ladies have you considered joining forces? This would be so much easier as a united front."

"First off, who's Angela? I asked.

"So it's not who wears the stuff that's important right? It's who's buying the stuff for the people who are wearing the stuff - that's who's important."

"English please, Alice," I said.

"Duh! Stylists. You think Anne Hathaway wakes up looking that good? No way! She has someone to shop for her."

"So, Angela shops for Anne Hathaway?" I asked, confused.

"No, Hathaway is West Coast. Ang handles a bunch of East coast people though...so what needs to happen is, I need to have lunch with her wearing something amazing from each of you. She's gonna flip, ask me where I found the stuff and that's when I say it's..."

"It's?" asked Rose.

"Didn't we just decide that you two need join forces?"

"Umm... yes," I answered, confused once again.

"Bells! She's right! It would be amazing; then we could rise to the top together! Can't you see it? We could find a little studio in the garment district. We could even coordinate some looks right? I mean I've had this kick-ass idea for hand painted hard leather clutches come winter... if you could make something to compliment them we could sell them together and it would be amazing! What do you think?"

It was a ton to take in. I won't say I was pressured into saying yes, because I wasn't... exactly. It was a great idea, point of fact. I was almost surprised we hadn't come up with it ourselves a long time ago. But it was a lot to work out. We needed a name, this mythical studio...I suppose Alice was right, we needed a website, and of course what happened if we woke up one day and hated each other?

"I want to say yes, but Rose, what happens if we have a fight or something?"

"We'll kiss and make up eventually. I mean come on, whether we work together or not we were going to fight eventually."

"We need a name..."

"You have names already don't you?" answered Alice, "Swan and..."

"Hale! Rosalie Hale," answered Rose excitedly.

"So, Swan and Hale it is," said Alice simply.

"We need a website and a space..." I whined.

"Done and done."

Both Rose and I looked at her expectantly.

"Jasper is a graphic and web designer and he has this massive industrial space on 36th Street near the river. It's just him and three other guys, they don't need that much room"

After a long pause, I was finally able to get some words out.

"Alice, what are you? Our fairy godmother?"

"Ooool I like that! Yes, I am totally your fairy godmother!"

"Alice," Rose started, "and please don't take this the wrong way. You're being incredibly generous and helpful, but..." I had a feeling I knew what she was about to ask because I was thinking the same thing. "What do you want in return?"

"Just fabulousness in the form of free accessories and jewelry of course!"

We smiled and laughed a little, and although I couldn't know what was going through Rose's head, mine was still questioning Alice. I didn't think she was evil or anything; I didn't even think she was actually in it for the free stuff. But that was the problem, wasn't it? What the hell was she in it for? We had met not even a full twenty-four hours earlier and she had already offered us a future: a future that included a company, a website, a workshop, and even connections in the fashion industry. Maybe sensing our distress, she started again.

"Look, ladies," she said in a calmer, somewhat un-Alice like timbre, "I know it might be hard to believe, but I don't have a ton of friends. I'm... frenetic and loud, and overly excitable, and I dunno, I guess it's just hard for people to take me seriously or something. Plus, my job can be all consuming. It's not glamorous or exciting and my boss is... well, he's complicated and demanding, and basically just an all-around beast. I need an outlet. I need a project to make me happy and keep me sane and away from the doom and gloom of my work-life. Plus, if I get some friends out of it? Well, right? I mean, right," she asked earnestly. She hadn't fully explained herself, but I knew exactly what she was saying.

I, for one, was legitimately touched. Here was this fantastic and fierce little woman laying it bare for us. She was right; she was frenetic, and loud, and excitable, but she was also obviously a little lonely, and a little lost, just like me. As for her job, I had no idea what she did, but just looking at her body language when she spoke about it make me overwhelmed for her. There must have been a very good reason she was still working for this animal because she didn't seem like a glutton for punishment. I knew then that I wanted her help and her friendship, and it wasn't because I felt sorry for her; it was because I felt kinship.

I looked to Rose who winked at me. She reached over and took Alice's tiny little hand in hers and squeezed.

"Alice, we'd be so honored to be your friend."

She looked to me and I nodded emphatically. Then, she started bouncing and immediately became the Alice who had yelled my name across a busy New York restaurant earlier that morning.

More food arrived, another round of drinks, and it was time for Rose's date re-cap. We were all a little buzzed, warm, and giggly, which made for a particularly silly rest of the meal.

"So, he was right on time. I went downstairs and..."

"...Wait! I need clothing deets." Of course Alice did.

"Bella and I decided on this really simple black cotton halter maxi dress, a pair of studded copper criss-crossed flats that I made, a seriously stellar necklace of Bella's, and one of my bags. My hair was loose and just gloss and mascara on."

"Awesome, continue please."

"So when I opened the door, oh he was so cute. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a pair of khakis, and leather sandals. I know it sounds totally cheesy, but oh my god ladies, the shirt was fitted and and slim cut, his hair was still a little damp and combed back," she sighed, "he looked like Elvis."

That's when we started laughing like lunatics. I had only just found out about Rose's love of Elvis, but apparently the love went way beyond the music.

"Ok," I started, "so he picks you up, looking like Elvis, and then what?"

"He smiled like he'd won the lottery, wrapped his arms around my waist, lifted me out of the doorway and into the street, then kissed my cheek before he put me down."

After a collective awww, she continued.

"He took me to this steak place called Strip House. It was all red velvets, low lighting, vintage posters, and he knows the managers because his family provides the meats and steaks for the place. Anyway, we had this corner banquet and were sitting side-by-side..." She drifted off into her head for a moment.

"Earth to Rosie," I teased.

"Think it's possible to be in love after one innocent night with a guy?"

"YES," squealed Alice. "I totally know when I saw Jazzy that he was the one. I told him too. I saw him at the counter in this diner that doesn't exist anymore, too bad, really. They had the most stellar French toast. Anyway, he was at the counter reading some book and sipping a cup of coffee. And I knew. I just knew the second I saw him that he was it. I sat right next to him and said so too. I told him 'You've kept me waiting a long time,' and he just smiled at me. I was a goner."

"You really think you love this guy, Rosie?"

"Maybe. I don't know, but Bella, he's amazing. He kept looking at me and forgetting what he was going to say, he waiting for me to sit down before he did, he got up when I went to the bathroom. He didn't look at the cute waitress, he wanted to know everything about me, he kept moving closer and closer to me throughout the night. He took me home and didn't ask to come up or anything, he just kissed me so sweetly on the lips and then made sure I got in the front door."

"He sounds like a sweetheart Rose, but..."

"...he left me an e-mail this morning. Know what it was?"

"Thank you note?"

"It was an MP3 of 'I Just Can't Believe It.'"

"Let me guess - an Elvis song?"

"Don't be cynical, Bells. He was amazing and I can't stop thinking about him."

"I'm happy, I am. I just don't want you rushing into something, OK."

"Oh come on, Bella," said Alice, "nothing's better than the feeling like you're falling in love."

"I'll have to take your word for it."

"HOLD. THE. PHONE. You've never been in love?"

"No."

"Never? Not once?"

"No!"

"Not even your first?"

"God, no. Mike and I did it in the back of his pick up truck. I guess it was kind of romantic, it was under the stars and all, but it wasn't love. It was hormones."

"Innnteresting," hissed Alice.

"Uh-oh, should I be worried here, Alice?"

"Maybe..." she answered cryptically.

"Don't listen to her, Bella. You'll find Mr. Right someday."

"I've decided I hate that word. Speaking of which, Alice, who does your hair?"

No sooner had I said the words than she was scrolling through her cell phone.

"Dante? Hi! It's Alice...I'm stellar, sweets...No, no, not for me, for my friend Bella...the works...no it's nice, but it's not her anymore...four? Really? You are a rock star! We'll be there!" She hung up, looking very self-satisfied. "You have a four o'clock appointment with Dante. He's going to take good care of you."

"Holy hell, you work quickly."

"Yup, need anything else to make your life fabulous?"

"Actually..."

"...Yesssss?"

"I've been wanting to get a tattoo. Not sure what yet." That was only partially true. I did want a tattoo, but I knew exactly what I wanted and why.

There was a suspicious gleam in her eyes when she answered, "I know just the guy."

**EPOV**

I didn't leave the house often, when I did it was at night and for very specific reasons. Garrett was one of those reasons. Alice found him for me because needed a way of documenting my mistakes, my anger, my frustrations, my regrets. He was a genius with a tattoo gun and slowly but surely, had been covering what parts of my body he could with ink.

The first tattoos I got were angry, horrifying scenes. There were fires, death, visions of hell, flashes of misery from my dreams. Over the years though, things became less angry and more... I suppose sad is the word. My anger and fears had melted into murkiness. I felt restless and ill at ease. I was pathetic and I knew it.

I felt heavy-laden and hunched over. It was a new, unwelcome feeling. That being said, it was better than the unrelenting anger followed by crippling depressing that followed in my past. All I could think of was this sad willow tree by the lake in the park where my mother used to take me as a kid. I don't ever remember it having leaves; it always seemed barren and dead. The irony was fucking palpable and I wanted the image to be part of the collage.

I had Alice make an appointment for me. Garrett worked out of hole-in-the-wall in Alphabet City on 4th Street, off of Avenue D. It was quiet and dark, and he kept his door open late for me. I put on my hoodie, called for the car, and rang for the service elevator. I didn't use the regular elevator, too many people, too many stares, too many questions.

I was ten minutes early for my 10 P.M. appointment. I always kept my head down when I walked in the real world - people seemed to leave you alone if you looked like you wanted to be. I pushed open the door, lifted my head and was momentarily frozen in time. The girl was exquisite. Her jean-clad legs were straddling the chair she was sitting in. She was all soft, full curves, like a fifties pin-up. Her shoulder length loose curls were bright red, copper, and orange. She was topless, holding a towel against her chest, one hand kept it firmly in place over her sternum. But the towel must have shifted at some point and the side of her pale, round, heavy left breast was exposed.

I don't know how long how I stood there. There was so much beauty - so much radiant color shone from her hair, so much sensuality rested in her form and her perfectly milky skin. I could feel my body reacting to her. I was in lust. My breath picked up, my jeans were getting tighter.

She was looking at the wall, in her own little world. I realized then that she was crying. The tears silently rolled down her cheeks, past her lips, dripping off her chin to the tiled floor below. I didn't know what made this beauty cry, but I understood her sadness immediately. Lust turned into a deep seated need to know more.

I wanted to wrap her in my arms and take away the tears. I'd let her know that I understood the pain. I'd calm her, make her smile somehow. When the episode had passed, I'd undress her slowly, kissing a trail across her skin. I'd make her feel cherished, special. I wanted to touch her, hold her, whisper in her ear. I wanted to know if she smelled sweet or spicy, I wanted her to fall asleep on my shoulder. I wanted to bury myself in her.

I wanted.

It all changed when she realized I was there, though. Suddenly her head whipped around, I could see the deep brown of her watery eyes and despite my wanting to comfort, to know more, to cherish, instinct took over and I ran away.

I could hear Garrett telling me to come back in a half hour as the door shut behind me. I walked down the street to calm down. I knew there was only one person responsible for this... Alice. I was livid. How could she? She handled my calendar, she knew exactly what she was doing and she knew to always make sure that no one else, NO ONE ELSE was in that tattoo parlor when I came around.

I grabbed my phone from my pocket and dialed her number.

"Hello?"

"You have some fucking nerve," I seethed.

"Good evening to you too, Edward."

"Why, Alice?"

"Why what, Edward?" she answered a little too innocently.

"WHY YOU MEDDLING LITTLE ANNOYANCE!" I screamed, furiously.

She hung up. The little interfering... I dialed again.

"Alice!"

"No, it's Jasper. You better calm the fuck down man. I don't know and I don't care what she did or didn't do, but you don't get to speak to her like that. EVER. Do you fucking understand me?"

That sobered me the hell up. Jasper was the most soft-spoken, calm man I had ever met. I'd never heard him curse or raise his voice. Hearing him like that was terrifying.

"Shit."

"Shit is right. I'm hanging up now. When you think you can talk to your cousin like a fucking human being, you can call back, but not a second before."

What was wrong with me? Was I so far gone that a simple scheduling mix up could tip me off the edge like that? After all these years, I was still a fucking mess. I should have called for my car and dragged my ass back home. Instead, I found myself walking back toward the tattoo parlor. I told myself it was to see if Garrett was ready for me yet. The reality was I needed to see the beauty again. Was she still draped in nothing but a towel? Was she still crying?

I stayed in the dark, not getting too close, but close enough to the small glass window to be seen. She was still there, barely covered by the towel, but this time she was looking out into the darkness. I knew she couldn't see me... but she was looking for something. Her head kept tilting and her eyes were roaming the darkness of the street outside. What was she looking for? Some tiny little voice inside whispered, she's looking for you. But hope was a fickle fucking mistress and I knew that no one could learn to love a beast.

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**A/N**

**So, he's seen her. He's hooked. Everything will be revealed and explained in the next one or two chapters – I haven't decided whether or not I should the break up the chapter yet. Whatever I decide though, I won't keep you waiting, I'll post them both next week.**

**So. Some of you like the last chapter, some of you didn't, most of you held your tongues. Would love to hear from every person who's reading...**


	6. Chapter 5, Her Hero

**This was going to be one massive chapter, but it just didn't work… it was too unwieldy and confusing. So I split it up into two chapters. I couldn't leave you all hanging though, so I'm posting them back-to-back. Don't get used to that hehe. This means that Theotherbella edited two long chapters in two days! She's my rockstar hero this week.**

**My amazing, talented, and fabulous hubby made me a banner for this fic. It's incredible, please check it out here (replace "dot" with an actual dot) or the link on my profile:**

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**I don't own, I just play**

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**Chapter 5, Her Hero**

**BPOV**

My mother killed herself when I was 22.

The only people in the world who knew that were my father and Sue. She wasn't a traditional mother. When I was seven, we spent my summer vacation on a commune in Colorado, pulling carrots from the ground and becoming "one with nature." When I was twelve and got my period, she took me to a local Native American Reservation and we experienced a sweat lodge together as a celebration of femininity. She was a Vegan before it was cool. She wore crystals not because they were pretty, but because she thought they were healing.

My parents split when I was five years old. It was a mutual and calm break-up. No courts were involved with custody or anything. I split my time equally between the two of them - playing caretaker to my free-thinking mother and chef to my kitchen-allergic father until he married Sue when I was 17.

I never knew my mother was unhappy because she never said or showed anything. To me, she seemed to find peace in her crystals and mediation groups. It never once occurred to me that the reason she sought peace and tranquility with such a fervent passion was because she never felt either.

There was no note. There was no indication that she was about to end her life. My mother had left a few days previous on another retreat. She was in Phoenix, or so I thought. In fact, she went to the Jemez Mountains just outside of Santa Fe. It was at a spot along the Jemez River that a hiker found her. I knew there was something up when both Sue and my father walked into my room. I was still living with my parents, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, and they never kicked me out or made me feel unwelcome in either house.

Sue immediately sat next to me and took my hands in hers. My father was still in uniform and was playing with his belt, not looking me in the eyes.

"What's going on guys?" I asked nervously.

"Bella," Sue started, but then got too choked up to continue.

My father came and kneeled in front of me.

"Dad? What's going on?" I asked a little more panicked.

He looked at me square in the eyes and said "It's your mother. Bella, I'm so sorry."

I didn't get it though.

"What, she run away with some baseball player or something?" I sassed.

When Sue began to sob, things started to become clear. I looked to my father who actually had tears in his eyes. I didn't want to believe it. I got up and tried to run out of my room. I thought if I went to my mother's place she would be there. Of course she would be. She was due back later in that day, anyway. She would be glowing with her newfound peace and tell me about the beauty she witnessed, just like she always did.

I didn't get far though. My father grabbed me from behind and wouldn't let go.

"She's not there, Bella."

I crumbled then. Only my father's arms were keeping me upright. He wouldn't let me go - not through the tears, not through the dizziness, not through the screams. And I screamed. I screamed until I couldn't make anymore noise. The pain wasn't over though. My father told me it wasn't an accident. He told me about the pills. Pills I wasn't even aware she took. She was so maniacal about Western medicine. She didn't even take Tylenol. Suddenly, everything hurt.

It was days before I could stand or talk or stop my eyes from leaking. Sue wouldn't leave my side. My father took care of everything. To my utmost surprise, my mother had a will. She left me everything she had, and precise instructions for her "death ceremony." She wanted her body to be left in the desert to be picked apart by nature, to decompose and become one with Mother Earth once again. I couldn't let that happen.

I didn't care what her last wish was, I would not let her be torn apart by animals. I asked my father to have her body cremated. I would spread her ashes in the desert instead. Two weeks later, Charlie, Sue and I were in the Jemez Mountains, by Soda Falls. Mom and I used go to Soda Falls when I was younger. I had fond memories of her there.

I sold everything that my mother left me, which wasn't much anyway. Not out of spite, but because I didn't want the memory of her haunting me every time I saw one of her scarves, necklaces, or books. The problem was it wasn't just objects that reminded me of her... it was everything. Santa Fe was permeated with her spirit and as hard as I tried, I couldn't find peace. I needed to get away. I needed a break. I left Santa Fe and ran away to New York where there were no deserts, no searingly beautiful sunsets, and nothing to trigger thoughts of my mother.

It was working until I was about to turn 30. Suddenly all I could think about was how much I wished my mother was around. I wanted her to make me one of her awful vegan birthday cakes. I wanted to hear her voice again, I wanted to know what she thought about my amazing new hair - what would she have thought about my jewelry, my new friends, our plans for the business.

And I knew that if I was serious about becoming the me I imaged in my head: the cool, fierce, amazing Bella, I had to face my the memory of my mother. I was past being angry with her and past wondering if there were something I could have done - hints or clues I should have recognized. Instead, I wanted to do something that would at once help me say goodbye, but never let me forget.

It was a lonely night in my little apartment when I remembered the poster in the living room. My mother's decorating style was haphazard to say the least. Most of it was flea market finds. None of it matched, everything had some crazy pattern on it accented by nauseating colors. She painted anything that she deemed was too white, gray, or brown. Every wooden surface had little painted zodiac symbols on it, or skulls, or chili peppers, or suns in metallic inks and paints. Everything was nuts except for the poster in the living room.

It was called "Cow Skulls with Calico Roses," by Georgia O'Keeffe. The painting was all whites and grays. It was the only calm inch of space in the riot that was my Mother's apartment. It was iconically Southwestern too and always reminded me of the harshness, yet indescribable beauty, of the desert. I thought of it and realized it was the perfect image. It was my mother, it was Santa Fe, it was tragic and beautiful. It would make a brilliant tattoo.

So when I asked Alice if she knew a tattoo artist, I told her I wanted a little something that reminded me of home. It was a partial truth. I wasn't sure if I wanted to or had the strength to tell Rose or Alice, or even Jacob, the truth about it. They all thought Sue was my mother, and that wasn't exactly a lie either, she was in every way that counted. Maybe I would eventually tell them, but it was still something I wanted to keep locked inside.

My tattoo, a selfish little 30th birthday gift. I knew it would cost a fortune, but it wasn't as if I spent money on myself often and anyway, Alice promised that Garrett would give me a family price. So on a Tuesday in September a few days before my birthday, I was talking with Garrett in his parlour in Alphabet City about my tattoo.

"This your first?" he asked. He was English, although had been in the States long enough for his accent to be nothing more than a lilting hint of his homeland.

"Yes."

"Do you have a picture?"

"Yes," I handed him the folder of the painting that I had printed out at the office. Jacob had caught me printing it and asked what it was. When I told him, he was excited and wanted to come along. I told him it was something I wanted to do alone. He was sore for a few minutes, then let it go.

"Georgia O'Keeffe, huh? Well it's wonderful but it's not going to look so great small. It would have to be fairly large if..."

"I want it on my back," I butted in, "my entire back. The horns can come over my blades and rest on the back of my shoulders, the head can dip down my spine, and the flower can cut across my waist."

"You've thought this through, huh?"

"Every night for a week."

"Is there a story behind this?"

"It's for my mother."

"She's not here anymore, is she?"

"No... How did you know?"

"When you've been around as many people getting tattoos as I have, you can tell."

"I see."

There was short silence as he smiled a small knowing smile.

"I know the painting is mostly white, but that won't really work. It's too much. So you want to change around colors? Just black and white?"

"Umm... I hadn't really thought about it."

"Why don't you take your time, I have to draw this up anyway. Mind taking off your shirt so I draw the shape of your back? No worries, I've seen more naked bodies than a doctor."

I smiled. He was making a very nervous situation easier. "Sure." I took off my t-shirt and let him trace my back.

"Ok, I should be done in about fifteen, twenty minutes. Make yourself at home."

I put my shirt back on and flipped through his portfolio, he was amazing. Alice was right. Of course, I knew she would send me to someone incredible. Before I knew it, Garrett was calling me to his chair.

"It doesn't look like much now, but once it's on your back..."

"I trust you. As for colors, you're the artist. Do what you think would look best."

"OK."

He handed me a towel, told me to take my shirt and bra off. When he placed the stencil on my back and showed me in the mirror, everything became real.

"This is going to take at least three sessions, Bella. We won't get it all done in one night."

"I was expecting that."

"If you're good with the placement, we'll start."

"It's perfect."

He had me sitting upright, straddling a chair. I pressed the towel to my chest only because the windows faced the street, and before I knew it, he told me to breathe normally and to let him know when I needed a break. The first sting of the needle was the most painful. After that, I sort of drifted into my own world.

Memories of Santa Fe and my mother flooded my thoughts. I remembered my mother cheering at every dance recital, I remembered her coming home with a new can of paint because she got tired of tangerine walls and was ready for lilac. I remembered the light in the desert and every flash flood that almost swept us away. I could almost remember the way she smelled. I knew I was crying. The tears just came and silently made their way down my face.

I don't know how long I was sitting there when I heard the front door quietly close, but I do remember his eyes. It was only a second - but a second I'd never forget. I saw sage green staring at me intensely. His eyes were so haunting. But just as quickly as he had arrived, he was gone. I spent the rest of that session looking out into the darkness outside the parlour door, hoping to see sage green again. I never did.

When we were finished, Garret washed and dressed my raw skin, told me not to wear a bra for a few days, and to try to sleep on my stomach that night. He asked me if I wanted him to call me a cab, but I told him I was fine. The train was a ways away, but I needed the walk. He told me to be careful. I nodded and left. I was so exhausted. I felt drained and heavy and like I could sleep for twenty years.

I slowly made my way through Alphabet City cursing myself for not taking him up on his cab offer. I was getting paranoid, too. I kept turning around, sure that someone was following me. But every time I did, I was alone. I was just slightly uncomfortable with the whole situation, but when I saw the subway station up ahead, I perked up a little. It was a long, lonely, and sore ride home.

That week was hell. I could have received the Academy Award for my exquisite performance, though. No one knew I was struggling, no one knew that I was crying myself to sleep at night - something I hadn't done for years. Between the front I was putting on and the pain I was going through re-living my mother's death, I was a wreck. I was due for another session that Friday with Garrett. I was looking forward to it, but only kind of.

By the time I got to Garrett's, I knew the routine. He got his inks ready and I stripped. I resumed my position on the chair and let him work. I looked out through the windows for the sage green eyes for a while, but then gave up and went into my trance. Memories came to me again, and yet again I could feel the tears silently working their way down my cheeks. It was painful, but cathartic in its way. Before I knew it, Garrett told me he was done for the day.

He said he could finish up the tatt in one more session. I asked for the following Wednesday, my birthday, the 13th. He didn't know it was my birthday and agreed as long as the skin continued to heal as well as it had the previous few days. I assured him it would. The only person besides my father and Sue who knew it was my birthday was Jacob, but he learned a while back that trying to get me to do anything for my birthday was useless. Thankfully, he had given up. That didn't mean he wouldn't get me some silly little gift, but I was excused from drinking or dancing.

I slept on my stomach straight through to Wednesday and only wore a tube bra, despite my better judgment. My boobs were bouncing all over the place, and Mario had a friggin' field day with the ogling and comments, but if it meant I could finish the tattoo for my 30th, it was worth it.

Sure enough, when I walked into the office on Wednesday morning there was a little silver bag with hot pink tissue paper on my desk. It was from Jacob. There was a little card attached to the bag that read: Happy 30th Bella (don't worry, I won't tell a soul). To my best girl, love your boy toy, Jake. Inside was a bottle of hot sauce and some hand drawn coupons worth ten bowls of Dan-Dan Noodles from Big Wong's. He knew me too well. It was the only time I smiled the entire day.

I was sad and anxious all day. Sue knew when she heard my voice something was up.

"Sweetie, talk to me."

It took all I had not to break down over the phone.

"Sue, it's been so long since she left us, and I've come to peace with the fact that she's not here. But I'm thirty today and..."

"...And it hurts, doesn't it?"

"So much."

"Sweetie wherever she is, she's proud of you. She would have never left you if she thought it would break you and it didn't. Look at you. You're a beautiful woman, you're making it on your own in New York. You're starting a business with your new friends. You have so much to look forward to."

"I just wish... Hell, I don't even know what I wish for anymore."

"Your father and I love you so much. We miss you like you can't even believe and we wish you were here with us, but more than anything, we want you to happy. If you're not happy, Bella, you can come home. We're here waiting for you."

I hadn't seen either of them for two years. They came one Christmas and spent an obscene amount of money on a hotel. It was too much for them to do often.

"I know you are, Sue."

"Sweetie, can I tell you what I want for you more than anything in the world?"

"What?"

"I want you to find love, Bella. I want you to call me all excited and fluttery because you found someone who likes Heath Bar Crunch ice cream as much as you do."

I could hear the smile in her voice and it broke my heart. I didn't know what the future held for me, and I couldn't say that I would never find love, but I hadn't yet and I wasn't holding my breath.

"Thank you, Sue. Is Dad there?"

I spoke with my father, which was pleasant, if not slightly strained. He never quite knew what to say when things were emotional. He left the mushy stuff to Sue - he was so lucky to have her. He did ask me what my plans for my birthday were though. I told him about the tattoo, and he was quiet for a minute. I don't think he ever considered his little girl having a tattoo, certainly not a giant one on her back. Then I told him what it was. I couldn't assume there was approval, but there was understanding in his voice and I was grateful for that.

After work, I walked down to Garrett's. I took my time and got there about twenty minutes early. The place was empty. I assumed my half-naked position and felt my stomach rumble. I realized that I hadn't eaten all day. I was too consumed with my own thoughts to think about something like food. As I had before, I searched for the sage green eyes. No luck. I slipped into my world and instead of memories, every regret I could think of flooded my head.

_She'll never meet her grandchildren...she'll never see you in the pages of Vogue...she'll never meet Rosie or Alice...she'll never have lychee Bellini...she'll never kiss your forehead again...she'll never, she'll never, she'll never._

When I heard Garrett say my name, I was in some kind of limbo. Not quite awake, not quite lost.

"Bella, I'm finished."

He gave me his hand and helped me up. He walked me to the full length mirror, handed me a small mirror, and I saw my completed back piece. The entire thing looked like it was painted on instead of tattooed. There were no border lines, only soft edges. The skull was all shadows, black with white highlights. The two roses were the softest peach color, the interior buds a darker peach, almost orange. They looked so damn real. The soft green leaves and stems were equally impressive, and I couldn't help but gasp. It was so much more than I ever could have expected.

"Do you like it? I can't tell."

I needed a moment before I could answer him. "I'm overwhelmed. It's so beautiful. I wasn't expecting it to be this beautiful. Thank you, Garrett."

"Welcome. Once it's healed up I want a picture for the portfolio, OK?"

"Of course."

"Bella, please let me call you a cab. I can see how drained you are and I don't want you-"

I cut him off. "Garrett, you're sweet, really. But I promise I'll be fine. I'm a big girl now. In fact, today's my 30th birthday."

He nodded knowingly. "Happy birthday, then."

I smiled, sadly. "OK, time to settle the bill huh?" I started walking to my bag.

"Already taken care of."

"What? I can't accept that. You worked too hard on this for a hand out. No, I insist."

"Thanks, but it wasn't a handout. It was paid for already."

"Alice..." I mumbled to myself.

"Not Alice."

"Sure it wasn't," I answered sarcastically. "When I see that little troublemaker-"

"It wasn't Alice."

"Then who?"

"Can't tell you that."

"Can't or won't?"

"Can't. There was an envelope slipped under my door with a note. It was way too much money. Someone has a secret admirer."

I was a little creeped out. I knew it wasn't Jake, he didn't have that kind of money. I thought of my father, but unless he got Alice's number, he wouldn't have known where to send it. Then a flicker of sage green eyes flashed in my mind. I dismissed it. I was starving, exhausted, sore and sad. I'd have to let the mystery stay a mystery for a while.

I kissed Garrett on the cheek, not wanting a hug; I was too sore. I stepped out in the night and started my trek down the street. I knew I was weaving as I walked. I must have looked drunk, but in reality, I was just weak. I felt light-headed and miserable. I made it halfway toward Avenue C before I had to stop and rest against a tree. Suddenly everything bombarded me: hunger, pain, loss, sadness, loneliness, regret...

I had a strange vision of the skull on my back, the peach flowers, the soft green leaves. But instead of black spaces where the eye sockets were, I saw sage green eyes. It was terrifying and marvelous all at the same time.

Everything went black.

**EPOV**

It took a lot of groveling to get Alice to forgive me. It also took my gifting her the honeymoon of her dreams. Not only was Alice family, but along with Lydia, she was the only one I trusted, and the only person who could handle working for me.

She asked me if I wanted to change my schedule with Garrett. Instead, I told her I wanted to know when the girl, whose name happened to be Bella, was going to be there next. She found out for me and even held her tongue instead of teasing me. She knew what she was doing. I wish I could say I was angry or annoyed with her, but the truth was, I loved having something to look forward to.

When Alice told me that Wednesday was her final day, I had my driver slip an envelope and note under Garrett's door. Bella would never know who it was from, but it made me feel so fucking good to that for her. Of course, when I realized that Bella and Alice were now something Alice called "besties," I was sure that Alice's secrecy would have to be assured. Maybe a second honeymoon?

That first night she was with Garrett, I followed her. She knew I was there too, she kept looking behind her, trying to find me. I just had to make sure she got home safely. I was furious with Garrett that he would let her walk alone that late at night. I couldn't say anything though; I didn't want him knowing I was spying. When I realized she was going to the train, I damn near followed her. It was irrational. I just... shit. I had to know that she was safe. I couldn't sleep that night. It wasn't until Alice told me that she was coming again at the end of the week, on Friday, that I felt like I could breathe.

I had Alice re-arrange my sessions with Garrett for another night. I was getting my willow tree on my left rib cage. It hurt like a fucking bitch, but I'd had worse, much worse. It was going to take a few sessions, but in between those sessions, I had Bella to look forward to. When Friday rolled around, I was practically buzzing with anticipation.

Once again, I stood outside, in the dark, looking in. Bella stripped, hugged the towel to her chest, then straddled the chair. Once again, I got hard just looking at her. She looked out the windows for a little while before turning her head and slipping into her trance. Not long after, the tears came. That shit broke my heart all over again. I was so close to running in there and wrapping her into my arms. I didn't know if I could make it better, but I really wanted to try. When she was finished, I followed her to the train again.

She was early on Wednesday and by the time I got there she was already in the chair, towel against her chest. But my beauty was different. She had deep, dark circles under eyes. Her shoulders were hunched. She looked exhausted. Her tears were coupled with short clipped breaths. It looked as if she were too week to keep her head up at times. Garrett was too focused on his work to notice, but she was holding on by a thread and I was the only one who knew it.

When Garrett was finished, I caught a glimpse of the tattoo as she walked to the mirror. A skull, with two roses. I was sure it meant something, but didn't know what. She looked at the tattoo and she seemed to stop breathing. There were head nods and she got dressed. Then there was some discussion and her face got very serious, her body tensed. Later I would realize it was over the money I had sent anonymously, but I wasn't thinking straight at the time.

She was finally ready to leave. She opened the door and started walking, but I knew something was wrong. She was walking as if she were drunk and disoriented. Finally she put her hand out to a tree and stopped there. I could see her swaying, she was going to faint. I ran as fast I possibly could, and grabbed just as her head fell back and her hand slipped from the trunk. She was out like a light.

I didn't know what to do, but once again instincts took over. I reached for my cell, called for my car and minutes later we were both in the back seat. Her breathing was fine, as was her pulse - I was sure she needed rest, not a hospital. My driver asked where we were going and I rifled through her bag until I found her wallet. It was a New Mexico license - no good. I heard myself say "Home" and thirty minutes later we rolled up to the service entrance.

The driver opened the door, and seeing that I was carrying a woman in my arms, the doorman ran to open the door, then called for the elevator. When the building super opened the elevator doors, he asked if I needed a doctor. I told him she had just drunk a little too much and needed to sleep it off. I lied and said she was family from out of town - I didn't need rumors floating around.

I asked the super to use his key to open my door and once inside my apartment, I took her immediately to my bed and gently placed her down. She was sound asleep. I took a minute to take her in. Even exhausted, even in whatever pain she was in, she was stunning. Porcelain skin, plump bee-stung lips, huge eyes, her wicked thick curves were there for me to touch - so close. I snapped out of it though. I needed to call Alice.

I left her on the bed, closed the door and dialed.

"Alice?"

"Edward, what's wrong, do you know how late it is?"

"Yes. Bella is here."

"What! What the hell is she doing there, Edward? Wait... you let her look at you? You let her in the apartment?"

"She fainted."

"I'll be there twenty minutes."

Almost exactly twenty minutes later, Alice and Jasper showed up. I explained everything. Alice hugged me, something she hadn't done in a very long time. It was one of her death grip hugs too. As quietly as she could, she slipped into my room. Minutes later she came back out, got a glass of water, and told us she got Bella out of her clothes and under the covers. She was going to stay with her - none of us wanted her waking up in a strange place alone, after all. I told Jasper to take any guest room he wanted.

I couldn't sleep. I watched the city lights, I watched some TV, I stared at my bedroom door as if I could see through it. I fell asleep on the couch as some point. I was woken up by Alice, early.

Bella was awake.

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**A/N**

**A link to the Georgia O'Keefe painting that the tatt is based on is here (replace "dot" with actual dot):**

**http:/www(dot)metlermedia(dot)com/go/html/credits(dot)html**

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	7. Chapter 6, Beauty Meets the Beast

**As promised, the next chapter. Again, Theotherbella is rockstar hero! Again, the hubs made me an incredible banner its posted on my profile.**

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**Chapter 6, Beauty Meets the Beast**

**BPOV**

I woke up to light streaming through the window. I slept like the dead and was feeling refreshed, but achy and very hungry. I sat up, took a sip of water and put down the glass on my black side table with the glass lamp. _Wait, I don't have a black side table with a glass lamp._ I took a look around: large windows that led to an even larger balcony; light gray walls, a huge TV hanging on the wall, a suede chaise lounge with a side table, a white lambs-wool rug… it wasn't my apartment.

Before the panic set in though, everything from the previous night came flooding back. The tattoo, the walk to the subway, the tree, sage green eyes... I gasped loudly then felt someone shift next to me. Holy shit, I was in some stranger's apartment, in their bed.

I turned my head slowly, terrified as to who I would find. It was... Alice?

"Alice?"

"Hmmm..." she mumbled.

"ALICE!" I yelled

"What?" She screamed, then shot up and looked around frantically. "Who died?"

"No, Alice, no one but… what the hell am I doing here? Where am I?"

"Morning, Bella. Take a deep breath, I'll explain everything," she said through a yawn.

When she was finished, I was conflicted. I didn't know what to think. I suppose relief was the first thing I felt, followed by confusion, then doubt. Alice had explained that her cousin, Edward, had an appointment with Garrett right after mine. It was lucky that he arrived early because he saw me leave the parlour, then faint. He brought me to his place, since I still had a New Mexico license. Right... lucky. Something wasn't right. Something was way, way off, I just didn't know what.

First thing I wanted to do was thank Edward for finding me and taking me someplace safe. The second thing I wanted to do was take a shower. Alice told me to hold tight while she went to see if Edward was even home. Apparently he worked like a maniac and left early most days. While she went looking for her cousin, I went to the bathroom. Without exaggeration, his bathroom was larger than my entire apartment. The bathtub alone was as large as my bathroom, and his shower could hold three or four people.

I grimaced at how awful I looked. I was pasty white, I had deep, dark, circles under my eyes, my hair looked like a rat's nest, and I was too afraid to check my breath. I did what I could. I splashed some freezing cold water on my face, ran wet hands through my hair, and even snuck in a mouthful of Edward's mouthwash. When I walked back into the bedroom, Alice had just shut the door.

"I'm afraid he's already left. But his car is downstairs and ready to take you home anytime you want."

"What time is it?"

"It's only 7:30."

"This is going to sound kinda weird. Think I could use your cousin's shower and steal a shirt? I feel awful asking, but I won't make it to work on time if I have to go back to Brooklyn, shower, change, then come back into the city."

"Don't even worry about. Take your shower, I'll find you something to wear."

I hugged and thanked her then went to the bathroom. After I pulled the gauze off my back, I took another look at my new tattoo, it was still red and puffy, but then again, I had slept on my back without knowing it. I needed a nice lukewarm shower. After some major fiddling with all the knobs and buttons, I finally got the water going and had, hands down, the best shower of my life. There were water jets coming at me from every direction, something soft and classical was playing through the built in speakers, it was heaven.

When I got out, there was a fluffy white towel, a hair brush, and navy blue t-shirt that had "Boston Yacht Club: Marblehead, MA" on the back, and "Edward" on the front, right over the left breast. I couldn't complain seeing as how my shirt was dingy and gross, so I slipped it on. The shirt fit just fine and even though I had a dude's name on my tit, it wasn't a tragedy. I put myself together and walked out of the bathroom, hair still a bit damp. Alice was waiting for me in the bedroom. She took my hand and dragged me through one incredible room after another until we reached a kitchen that actually made me want to cry. I loved to cook, but ever since I moved to New York, I didn't have the space or compulsion to make much more than spaghetti and soup.

"You like?" she asked.

"Oh hell, Alice, the things I could make in here..." I sighed.

There was already toast and coffee made and Jasper was at the stove, two pans and two omelets cooking away - I quirked an eyebrow at him.

"I can't cook much," he said, "but I can make an omelet."

"Hey, that's more than I can make," quipped Alice.

We sat at the small glass table in the corner of the massive kitchen and ate. The omelet was good. But then again, I was so hungry anything would have tasted amazing. I had brought up the fact that I need to thank Edward, but I was having one hell of a time convincing Alice of the fact.

"Alice, I have to do something for the guy. I mean I could have been robbed or hurt, or worse if he hadn't seen me."

"Really, Bella, that you're OK is enough. Trust me, he's a really private guy – he'd just be uncomfortable if you gave him something."

"A card at least?"

She rolled her eyes at me, "Fine, a card. But that's it!"

I finished breakfast. I was not satisfied with the idea of sending Edward a measly card. He was my hero whether he wanted to accept it or not, and I needed to thank him properly, in person. Of course, I couldn't let Alice know that. Busy or not, I knew where he lived, and although he would be getting his thank you card, he would be getting it in person.

When we were done with breakfast, I was ushered through the apartment by the pair of them. Not that they offered, but I couldn't look around Edward's stellar apartment anyway, or I'd be late for work. However, by the way they were urging me through the halls, I didn't think they would have let me anyway. Something was definitely going on. Between the weird reaction to my offer of thanks, to the way they made sure I only saw hallways and the kitchen, I was beginning to think they were hiding something.

Alice and Jasper left with me, down the elevator, out the front door, and sure enough the car was waiting for us. We all piled in. I was dropped off at work, then Alice and Jasper made their way back downtown. I didn't have time to think about my sadness over the past days, instead my head was filled with questions.

Was Edward being at the right place at the right time really just luck?

Did he really leave early for work or was he avoiding me?

What didn't Alice and Jasper want me to see in the apartment?

I was lost in my own little bubble when the smell of something familiar snapped me out of it.

"Noodles for the lady," said Jacob from behind me, lowering a familiar red bag in front of me.

"You're a god, you know that?"

"Yes." He leaned over and kissed the top of my head. "How's Ms. Thirty doing this morning," he said before lowering himself into the chair next to mine.

"I have so much to tell you!"

"I'm all ears, but first, I want to see the art."

"Right! Of course. It's still a little swollen and red though."

"Fine, fine, just show me!"

I got up, turned around, lifted the shirt as best I could and let him look.

"Bella, it's amazing, even now. I can only imagine what it'll look like when it's healed."

"Me too."

"Hey, why are you wearing a dude's shirt? OH. MY. GOD! You got some last night! You little tramp!"

I laughed a sardonic little laugh. "Not even close. Get comfortable, it's a long story."

He was none-too-thrilled to hear that I had fainted alone. He chastised me for not letting him come along. He was right. I probably should have gone with someone. But how was I to know that I would react like that? Twenty minutes later, I was finished.

"A card? A stinking card?

"I know; I feel the same way."

"The man deserves more than Hallmark, Bells. Plus, what if he's gorgeous, what if he's like your dream man? What if you two take one look at each other and don't leave the bedroom for three days straight except for food and water?"

"Dramatic much? Jeez. He definitely deserves more than a card though."

"He deserves…"

"Cupcakes!"

"I was thinking more along the line of champagne or lingerie," he winked, "but I guess cupcakes will do."

"So, what's the plan?"

"If I get you a delivery in Chelsea, think you could get me half a dozen from Cupcake Café?"

"Yes, but only because you're coming over this weekend and making me and Antonio dinner."

"Antonio? And who is Antonio?"

"He's just the stunning Italian model I'm dating."

"You snake! Why didn't you tell me you were dating someone?"

"It just wasn't a solid thing until last night."

"Details, please."

He told me the whole story. They had seen each other at the gym a few times. They went on a few casual dates, then the previous night things took a turn toward the serious. I assumed that meant they actually talked, because Jake was something of a man-whore. By the end of the story, I agreed to be at his by five on Saturday to make him and his boyfriend dinner.

I sent Jake on a pick up on 23rd and Fifth Avenue, gave him money for the cupcakes and planned my move. I figured since I had been in the building before, they wouldn't give me too much grief about showing up. Plus, Alice had mentioned that Edward told the super I was family. Of course, I wasn't looking my most spectacular, but he had seen me passed out just the night before, I figured being awake was an improvement enough.

Jake showed up with the cupcakes just before I was ready to leave. I did what I could with my hair, which was twist it up with a pencil, slapped on some lip gloss, and made my way to the Upper West Side and Edward's penthouse over-looking Central Park.

I was feeling good about my plan. I had my thank you card, my thank you cupcakes, and I was ready to meet Edward. Of course there was a possibility that he might not be there. Alice said he worked like a maniac. At least I knew where the kitchen was. I could drop off the card and cupcakes there. I was sure that since Alice and I were friends, I would be running into Edward eventually.

When I got closer to his building though, I got nervous. The building was intimidating and the small army of doormen was intimidating, too. Hell, even Edward's apartment was intimidating when I thought about it. I suddenly felt out of place and way out of my league. All I could do was remind myself that it was the right thing to – even if it was a mild form of breaking and entering.

I put my shoulders back, pushed out the tits, and raised my head high. I walked right into the lobby and said I was there to see Edward in the Penthouse (I realized I didn't know his last name). The doorman looked at me, then my shirt, and said "Glad to see you're feeling better this morning."

"Better?"

"I was here last night when Edward arrived with you. You were out like a light."

"Oh…OH! Right, yes. A little too much booze last night I'm afraid," I answered as breezily as I knew how.

"Well, Mr. Masen is upstairs, as always." Masen. Edward Masen. The name sounded oddly familiar.

I nodded my thanks and made my way to the elevator wondering what the hell he meant. Alice made it seem as if he was always away and never home.

"What floor, miss?"

"Oh, Penthouse please," I told the elevator operator.

Suddenly my questions from earlier in the day came back to me. What the hell was going on? Was he always busy or not? What was everyone hiding from me? Why did I suddenly feel like my plan was a really big mistake?

I stepped out of the elevator and into the small entryway to Edward's apartment. I rang the bell. No answer. I rang again, no answer. I was about to try the knob when I hear a man's voice say:

"Alice, forget your keys again? Never mind it's open…"

I stepped inside and closed the door. I walked into the foyer and tried to figure out where the voice was coming from. I was about to open my mouth to announce that it was in fact Bella, not Alice, when I heard heavy footsteps. I froze. My fear was irrational, kind of. I mean, he did save me and all, but he wasn't expecting me either. The footsteps got louder still; I could hear he was just around the corner. Suddenly, my plan seemed silly and childish… cupcakes? Really? What was I, ten?

I turned around to run out the door when the footsteps stopped mere feet away from me. It was too late. I had to face the music. I plastered a smile on my face and slowly turned around. What I saw before me made my jaw drop and my feet plant where they were. I couldn't move a muscle. Before me was a man. Or at least, he used to be.

He was almost completely exposed to me, he was wearing a pair of gym shorts and that was it. He had the thick, muscular body of a boxer. He was tall, over six foot. His hair was buzzed short. I could tell I had interrupted his work-out, I could see his chest heaving and sweat dripping off every part of him. He had a massive tattoo on his left arm that I couldn't make out, there was the making of another massive tattoo on his left rib cage, and oh yes, the entire right half of his body was one massive burn scar.

His right ear, if you could still call it that, was mangled and twisted. His right cheek bone straight down to his jaw line, down the right side of his neck was shockingly scarred. Almost his entire right arm was marked by some horrible burn. His right ribcage, down the right side of his waist to his hips were messed up as well. The right half of his right leg was chaos, all the way down to the arch of his foot. I wish I could say it didn't bother me, but he was a shocking, appalling sight.

He stood there just as frozen as I was. We were deer in headlights, paralyzed by a blinding light. Finally, after many minutes of just staring at him, I looked at his face, really looked at his face. Sage green eyes were looking back at me. I gasped before all the air rushed out my lungs. I dropped the box of cupcakes on the marble floor.

**EPOV**

And she was there in my foyer. When I saw a head of shocking red, orange, and copper hair and a killer curvy frame wearing my old Yacht Club shirt, I knew who it was immediately. I knew my name was going to be resting directly over her left breast and I loved the thought. So did my body. I couldn't fit in the shirt anymore, I was way bigger than I was as a college brat, but it fit Bella almost perfectly.

She was holding a pastry box in a bag in her hand. I didn't know what was in it, but there was nothing I wanted to do more than feed it to her, lick the remaining sweetness off her lips. I thought of twenty ways I wanted to touch her. Things I wanted to whisper. I'd finally find out why she was so sad and hold her until she couldn't cry anymore.

Then she started to turn around and reality came crashing back. She was about to see me, the real me. When she did, there would be no kisses, no caresses. There would be shock, there would disgust, and since God had a horrible fucking sense of humor, she would probably even feel pity for me.

When she finally turned around it was better and worse than I could have imagined. At first she was frozen. She took in every inch of me. She took her time, looking at my scarred face, neck, arm, ribs cage, and leg. It was excruciating. As much as I wanted her eyes on me, that wasn't what I was hoping for.

When she was finished with my body though, she looked right into my eyes. Suddenly there was some kind of recognition there. She gasped, she dropped her package, and her hands went immediately to her mouth. She began shaking her head no, no, no. I didn't know what the hell was going on, but suddenly I was worried.

When Bella dropped her hands and started slowly walking toward me, I was afraid that if I made a move, I would scare her even more than I already had, so I remained still. She stopped an arm's length away from me. She lifted her hand toward me slowly, and hesitated as if I were made of glass and would break if touched. But touch me she did.

I could feel her fingertips ghost along my right jaw line. When she realized I wouldn't run or crumble, she dragged her fingers down my neck more firmly. I closed my eyes in pure ecstasy. I hadn't felt a women's touch against my skin in almost ten years and I thought I would collapse from the sensation. When her fingers stopped over my right pec, and she pressed her hand into my chest, I raised my hand and placed it over hers, keeping her there.

I finally looked down into her deep brown eyes. I saw confusion, a little fear, and maybe even my arch enemy, pity.

"It was you."

"I don't understand."

"Sage green. It was you that night at the tattoo parlour. You followed me… you… you…"

She didn't finish her sentence though. Instead, started breathing heavier and heavier, and faster and faster, I got worried. I thought she might hyperventilate.

"LYDIA!" I yelled as loud as I could.

Only seconds later, I could hear her running toward us.

"Mr. Edward, everything…" She stopped, no doubt taking in the scene before her.

"Lydia, take Bella to the living room. Please take care of her."

As much as it pained me to do, I removed my hand from hers. Lydia carefully took Bella's hand and gently led her away. I knew Lydia would have a cold vodka and maybe even a valium in her by the time I got dressed. I made my way to the bedroom, took the quickest shower I could, put on a pair of jeans and a white v-neck t-shirt.

Ten minutes later I walked into the living room to see Bella standing by the window, looking out at the city in front of her. Sure enough, there was a small glass of vodka in her hand. I wasn't sure what to do. I stood there staring at her staring out the window. We stayed like that for a good minute before the silence was broken.

"You owe me an explanation."

The beast inside was not amused by her demand.

"I don't owe you anything," I seethed through my teeth.

She spun around, furious. Her eyes were wide, her nostrils were flared, her chest was heaving.

"The hell you don't. Now I want fucking answers and I want them now!"

I wanted to yell back. I wanted to throw something, smash my fists into the wall. But I didn't. She was flushed with anger and the color in her cheeks made her seem more alive and full of life than I had ever seen her. I was in awe and rendered speechless by the beauty in my living room. So instead of shouting, instead of unleashing the monster inside of me, I simply dropped my head and nodded in defeat.

"Alice, either on purpose or by accident, I can't figure that out yet, scheduled our sessions with Garrett to overlap. I walked into the place and saw you there. I was mesmerized by you. You were so beautiful sitting there. You were in your own world and all I could do was stare at your skin, your waist, your hips, even your lips. Then when the door closed, you looked right at me. I ran. It's what I do. I've had to hide myself for almost ten years since my accident. I assume you understand why. I was furious with Alice too. I called her and said some awful things to her."

"Why?"

"Because I can't have you and I wanted you more than anything. I'm not proud of it, but I went back to the storefront and watched you. You couldn't see me in the dark, but I watched you. When you left alone, I was… concerned. I needed to make sure you were OK I couldn't stand the idea of something happening to you."

"I knew you were there."

"Ya, I made sure you couldn't see me though. What would you have done if you saw something like me on a dark street, huh? Hell, you almost lost it when you saw me in broad daylight."

"That's not fair and you know it!"

"Bullshit."

She dropped it. She knew I was right, then said: "Keep going."

"I made sure you got to the station OK. It took everything I had not to follow you. After I groveled, Alice started speaking to me again. I told her to find out when you would be there next."

"You stalked me."

"I…yes. Yes, I stalked you. You need to know something, Bella. I don't leave this tower. It's difficult for me out there. I just… shit. I just needed to see you again. You gave me something to look forward to and I haven't had that pleasure in a long time."

"If you're fucking with me right now…" She began to threaten.

"I can't quite explain it. All I can tell you is that I can't stop thinking about your face, your body, or even your pain. See, pain is something I understand really fucking well. When I saw you crying, all I wanted to do was make it go away."

Finally, Bella's face softened.

"Please fast forward to last night."

"Garrett was already working on you when I got there. I knew something was wrong, well, more wrong than usual. You were so tired looking. I was worried you were going to keel over at any minute. When you left, I followed you as usual. When I saw you start to sway, I ran and caught you before you fell. I looked through your bag for an address, but you have a New Mexico license. I took you home."

"Then you called Alice."

"Then I called Alice."

She turned away from me and looked out the window. We stood in silence for longer than felt comfortable before she started talking again.

"Where were you when I woke up?"

"I locked myself in the office."

"You were here the entire time and you wouldn't let me thank you?"

"Bella…"

"What? I get it, OK? I get that you're… different."

"Different. You're being really fucking nice. I'm a monster, Bella."

She turned and looked at me – and I could see it. I could see the fucking pity as clear as day.

"Don't you dare fucking pity me, Bella!"

She looked at me for a beat before saying, "I'm sorry."

She apologized. Shit. She apologized.

"What the hell are you apologizing for?"

"I had no right to yell at you. I had no right to come into your home unannounced and demand explanations from you. I'll admit that the stalking was creepy. And I'm not at all pleased that you and Alice were keeping tabs on me. But you were there when I needed someone. You… kind of saved me, Edward. Thank you."

What could I say? "You're welcome."

"I need to know something now, and I want the truth."

"Ya?"

"Did you pay Garrett for me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

_Deep breathes, Edward._

"Once the tattoo was finished, I knew I'd never see you again. That killed me. It hurt to think that I wouldn't see you anymore. Even in pain, even crying, you were beautiful – you were my guilty pleasure and you were untouchable. It was the only thing I could think of that could link me to you in some way. I needed that connection."

"So it could have been anyone, is what you're saying."

"Fuck!"

"What! God, sorry, I'll go."

She started walking away from me and I couldn't take it. I ran to stop her and block her path with my body.

"Please don't go."

"I need to understand, Edward."

"Despite what you might think, I've been with women over the years. They come and go and none of them have the hold on me that you do. None of them made me want more as much as you do. I understand you, Bella."

"You don't know me; you don't know a thing about me!"

"You're beautiful, but I don't think you know that. You're lonely. Something eats away at you; something festers under the surface and makes you cry. It makes you incredibly sad. You got that tattoo to calm that pain, to find some peace. But it hasn't worked, has it? You put on a brave face but you're scared. You just want one person who gets it and you want to go to sleep at night content and not anguished."

"How?"

"How do I know that? It's easy, Bella: your pain is my pain."

"You know nothing about my pain," she said, getting worked up again.

"Yes, I do."

"No, you don't," she whispered. A tear slid down her cheek. I reached out to her and tentatively wiped it away. She repeated herself, "No, you don't." She started crying in earnest. Tears came as they had all those nights before, but I could do something about them now. As if it were completely natural to me, I pulled her to my chest, wrapped my arms around her, and let her cry.

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**A/N**

**Cat's out of the bag now. I need to know, very badly, did you know? Did you expect? Did you like? Did you hate? Still have questions?**

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	8. Chapter 7, Calling John Hughes

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**It's been a little intense yes? How about a little break?**

**Theothebella is my grammar goddess – you should get one, they rock.**

**I don't own, I just play.**

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**Chapter 7, Calling John Hughes**

**BPOV**

It felt so good to be held.

I'd received hugs and kisses from Jake, Rose, and Alice, but to be really held - to be made to feel safe and comforted, I hadn't felt that way since Sue hugged me before I boarded the plane to New York all those years ago.

His arms were strong and kept me pressed to his broad, stable chest. I fit so nicely there. He lifted his chin to rest on the top of my head, and while I was still crying, still exhausted and overwhelmed by everything, what I really felt was relief. I had accused him of not knowing a thing about my pain, but I was so wrong. He may not have known _why_, but he seemed to know exactly _what_ I was feeling.

I let myself luxuriate in the feeling of him around me, even after the tears had stopped. When I realized that we were simply in his living room, holding each other for no reason any more, it made me nervous. What was I doing? Yes, he helped me. Yes, he paid for my tattoo. And yes, he opened up and was honest with me. But he was also a man who referred to himself as a beast - I had a feeling he didn't just mean the scars.

I wiggled a little and pushed away from him when his arms loosened.

"Thank you. I seem to be saying that a lot."

"You don't have to."

"I want to though."

There was a very awkward and long silence.

"I..." he started but stopped.

"Yes?"

"It's nothing."

"It was something."

He took a couple of deep breaths, psyching himself up for whatever he was about to say.

"I want to wish you a belated Happy Birthday."

"What?"

"Yesterday; it was your birthday."

"How do you know that?"

"Your driver's license."

"Christ, right. Well, thanks. I won't soon forget that one huh?"

"You didn't really get to celebrate your 30th properly."

"What's properly anyway?" I shrugged, trying to act cool. He couldn't have known that all I had planned when I got home was a hot shower, some serious crying, and a pint of coffee Heath bar crunch.

"What were you planning on doing?"

_Busted._

"Umm, nothing really. I'm not big on parties or going out or, having any kind of social life whatsoever."

"Sounds familiar," he added.

"Do you really want to know?"

"Ya."

"A shower, a good cry, and a pint of ice cream."

His answer threw me for a loop.

"What kind of ice cream?"

"Coffee Heath bar crunch."

"LYDIA!"

"If you tell me you happen to have it in the freezer right now, I'd have to kiss you."

It just slipped out - I blushed out of pure embarrassment.

"No, there's no ice cream in the freezer, let alone coffee Heath bar crunch."

"What? Not any? Like no ice cream at all? Not even a lousy pint of vanilla?"

"No, I haven't..." Before he could continue, Lydia showed up. "Lydia, could you please go out and buy two pints of coffee Heath bar crunch ice cream?"

She nodded and started to walk away, taking off her apron. I wasn't all that thrilled that he was having this woman run around for me, but I couldn't let her run around all night either, I mean sometimes you can't find the right flavor.

"Ummm, Lydia," I asked timidly, she turned to me. "If they don't have it, you can get mint chocolate chip." She smiled and nodded before walking away.

I turned to face him again, "Well, that was new."

"What was?"

"Telling the help to go fetch me something."

"Would it make you feel better if I told you I'm putting her grandkids through college?"

"Maybe a little, why?"

"I'm not easy to work for and I know it. I pay people well for their troubles."

"You're honest, I'll give you that much."

A pained expression crossed his face suddenly, then it was gone.

"So tears are done with, ice cream is on its way, would you still like a shower?"

Awkward!

"No, I think I'm OK actually..." I said a little uneasily. It was one thing when I thought he wasn't in the apartment, but just then? Not OK He must have picked up on my uneasiness.

"I'm sorry. I'm not good with people anymore."

"You're doing fine, really. It's just... well, let's keep the topic of showers out of the convo for a bit, OK?"

"Right, out. Got it."

"Let's get back to this ice cream thing... there's really no ice cream in the house at all? Jesus, man, what do you eat?"

"Bananas, protein, whole grains."

"No wonder you're grumpy. When was the last time you had real food?"

"I have real food every day."

"No, you don't, you have stuff that's good for you. When was the last time you had a cheeseburger and fries?"

"Can't remember."

"Pizza?"

"Can't remember."

"Dan Dan Noodles?"

"Don't even know what those are."

"Oh my God. That's serious, we're going to have to fix that."

"We?" Something seemed to dawn on him. "_We_ are?"

"Ya that's what friends are for, right? Introducing new things to each other?"

"Friends? Is that what we are?"

I couldn't tell if he was confused, angry, sad, elated or what.

"Yes. I can't very well call you my hero, don't want you getting a God complex after all."

I was hoping he would crack a smile at that, but instead he muttered the word "friends" to himself and started walking away. He walked out of the room without even so much as a follow me or right this way or anything!

"Hello!" I shouted, a little put-off.

"SHIT." He came running back in. "I'm… shit. I'm sorry. I'm not used to company. Umm, follow me? Please?"

"OK. Where are we going?"

"Would you like a tour?"

"Yes, I'd love one."

He took me through his massive home. There were three bedrooms besides the master, two more full baths, and two half baths. There was the kitchen that made me drool again, his office, a home gym, a formal dining room, and another room with a massive TV and overstuffed chairs and a pool table, I suppose it could have been considered a family room, but from what I could tell, there was no family to enjoy it.

Everything was perfectly maintained and perfectly decorated. Some of it seemed overly formal to me, like the red silk walls and gilt frames in the dining room, then some of it seemed cold and modern like his bedroom, then some of it seemed kind of... catalog-ish and banal. I couldn't get a sense of him from anything he showed me. It was odd. I knew he lived there, his clothes were in the closets and everything, but his apartment seemed to have just as much as a personality crisis as he did.

Of course the grand jewel of the penthouse was the balcony space. It wrapped around almost the entire apartment - from his bedroom, dining room, living room, and family room. You could see the city in all its splendor before you - Central Park, Midtown, even Jersey. There were no tables or chairs out there though. No gas grill or plants - nothing. It was barren, only the gargoyles and red brick of the building adorned the space. It made me sad.

We were out on the balcony when we heard the door close. We walked to the kitchen to find Lydia pulling out two pints of coffee Heath bar crunch and two pints of mint chocolate chip. She put out an ice cream scoop and (bless her) chocolate sauce. She set two places at the kitchen table with glass bowls, spoons, napkins, the ice cream scoop, the ice creams, and the chocolate sauce then ushered us to the table. She had a smile plastered on her face the whole time... exactly how much did Edward pay this woman that setting up ice cream made her that happy?

**EPOV**

Lydia was all smiles. She never had people besides me to fuss over. I think the smiles had more to do with my reaction to Bella, though. I was talking…to a woman…who wasn't Alice…and I hadn't kicked her out or lost my temper. She ushered Bella to her seat, and before she left, she slipped a lighter and a thin cardboard box into my hand. She smiled warmly, winked, then left. I looked down to my hands and saw she had given me sparkling candles and a lighter - wily woman.

"Coming? I can't eat all this myself; I mean I can, but..."

"Ya, I'm coming."

I sat down just as Bella had finished scooping out her ice cream into her bowl. "Wait," I said before she could take her first bite. I pulled out three sparklers, placed them in her ice cream and lit them. I looked at her, at her beautiful eyes, kissable lips, creamy skin, and had to wonder what I had done to deserve the likes of Bella Swan sitting in my kitchen. I lit the candles and said, "Happy Birthday, Bella."

She started laughing. Not the reaction I was hoping for.

"Something funny?" I asked, just slightly annoyed.

"Oh, Edward, don't be upset, it's just so _Sixteen Candles_."

"_Sixteen Candles_?"

"Remember - the John Hughes film with Molly Ringwald?"

It took me a second, but then I did remember. Some girl I was seeing in college insisted I watch it with her. At the end, the lead guy... Jake! That was his name, found Molly, and wished her a happy birthday over a cake with sixteen candles on it. I couldn't help it. She was right, it was oh so _Sixteen Candles_ and to my utter surprise... I laughed.

She stared at me, jaw dropped, before she started laughing again. I was laughing in earnest and it felt so fucking good. She did that. Bella did that for me. She made me smile, she made me laugh. And whatever the future held, that alone was worth a lot. When I finally caught my breath and stopped laughing, I couldn't help but let her know.

"I haven't laughed like that in, man, I can't even remember."

"I'm glad. It looks good on you, Jake!"

"Thank you, shit, what was her name?"

"Come on, you can do it!"

I took a second, "SAM!"

She laughed again, "That's right!"

"Wait, we have to make this accurate, hold on." I moved my bowl, the ice creams, and the sauce to the kitchen counter. I sat on the table, crossed my legs, and pulled the bowl toward the middle of the table. "Coming, _Sam_?"

She wasn't laughing anymore. She seemed scared or shy or something.

"Will the table hold our weight?"

"Only one way to find out. I won't let you fall."

"I think I know that," she said and winked. Fucking winked. Jesus, I thought I would combust right there!

She got up, sat her stellar fucking ass on the table, scooted back, then swung her legs up and around. After a little wiggling and adjusting, there we were: Jake and Sam, or Bella and Edward - cross legged, on a table, with a bowl of ice cream between us, three sparklers glittering away. I didn't know I had it in me to be that cheesy. It was really fucking nice to know that I could be.

"This is seriously cheesy. You know that, right?" Bella said, taking the words out my mouth.

I laughed, "I was just thinking that."

"I kinda like it."

"I was just thinking that, too."

There was a moment when we just looked at each other. I couldn't be sure if she was staring but I decided it didn't matter. Just to have her there was enough for me.

"You know," Bella started, "this is the point when Jake kisses Sam. Umm, in the movie I mean," she said nervously.

My heart threatened to pound out of my chest. Shit, what did I say to something like that? Instincts took over where my mind couldn't travel.

"Do you... want me to kiss you, Bella?" I asked slowly, not believing the words that were coming out my mouth.

She swallowed, when a timid smile crossed her lips she said, "Yes, Edward, I think I'd like that."

I actually felt like I was thirteen again, worried that I was going to slobber on Jessica Stanley when I kissed her for the first time in Summer Camp. I hadn't kissed a woman who asked me to in years. I hadn't kissed a woman who knew what she was kissing in my entire life as Edward Masen. She couldn't have known any of that, of course. She also couldn't known how much I wanted to run away, worried it was all a cruel joke. She couldn't have known how terrified I was, or how desperately I wanted her to like my lips.

I leaned in over the bowl of ice cream and sparklers and saw her lean in to meet me. I was centimeters away from her lips. Her perfect fucking lips. _Now or never_, I thought to myself. I closed the distance and pressed my lips to hers. My whole body seemed to hum at the connection. Her lips were so tender. She smelled like cucumbers or something, so fresh. Before I could figure out what to compare the softness of her skin to though, she pulled away. And so I didn't seem like the thirteen year old loser I felt like, I pulled away too.

"I won't say thank you. I'm tired of it," she said.

"Good, I don't like hearing it anyway."

We had a moment – a cheesy, silly, extraordinary, life affirming moment. It may not have meant much to her, but it meant the world to me. That little glimmer of hope I kept locked away started worming its way out in the open. Could she actually learn to care for me? Maybe it was just emotions and being overwhelmed as she had put it earlier. It could all pass in a few hours and we could go back to just being a beauty and a beast.

If she went home that night and never spoke to me again I'd be upset and angry but not surprised. She felt she owed me something for taking care of her. She thought of me as a hero, that was laughable, but those were her words not mine. Maybe that was her way of thanking me? There were a million questions running through my head, but one above them all screamed the loudest.

"Bella, I don't want to pry or make you uncomfortable but, I want to know something."

"Okayyyyy," she said suspiciously.

"Do you think you could tell me about last night, the tattoo, the tears, all of it?"

She looked down to her hands, then back at me. She smiled a sad little smile, "Maybe someday. Do think you could tell me about the scars?"

I froze. Could I? There were only a handful of people who knew the truth. The risk was huge. I didn't know what to say or do. The prospect of the telling her my past was terrifying, not only because she would know who I really was, but how would she possibly want to stay when she knew what I had done to my friends, to myself, to my family? I must have been silent for a long while because she interrupted my inner monologue.

"'Maybe someday' would work, Edward."

"Then, maybe someday."

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**A/N**

**Up next… well Alice, Jake, and Rosie need the dirty little details don't they? **

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	9. Chapter 8, Dinner with a Beauty

**I had so much help with this chapter from an amazing trio of ladies! Kikikinz, Theotherbella, and Bookoisseur. Seriously girls, without you this chapter would have been a disaster!**

**(oh fyi, any grammatical mistakes are all mine! I wanted to get this chapter up for you all without further ado)  
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**I don't own, I just play.  
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**Chapter 8, Dinner with a Beauty**

**BPOV**

I replayed the entire night back in my mind while I was being driven to Brooklyn. He insisted that I let his driver take me home. I would have refused and stomped my foot - well, no not really - but I would have fought a bit harder in my refusal had it not been a seriously trying few days. That and it was well past ten by the time I was ready to leave. We talked. We ate. We talked some more

When I turned around in the foyer to see him for the first time, I was shocked. I was a little repulsed; I was scared; and I was morbidly curious, too. Later I'd be so embarrassed and ashamed my reaction. All I could think was: I want to feel his skin. If I could touch him, then it would be real, wouldn't it? My hands needed the proof that my brain wasn't willing to accept.

I moved slowly. I was focused on his body, on the ruined skin before me. I was aware of how quiet it had become, I could hear him breathing – see his chest rising and falling. He was so still. He let me come to him. He could have pushed me away, but instead he invited me in. When my fingers finally touched his skin, I knew it was real; he was real. He didn't feel likes scales, or armor. He felt like a smooth leather glove. Firm, slightly pliable,but rough at the same time. It wasn't awful or off-putting, just different.

When he put his hand over mine, I felt something familiar. I couldn't pinpoint it at the time, but I know now it was understanding. He was starving for contact - he was lonely. I felt kinship, just as I had with Alice. I understood what it felt like to be alone. Of course, I could never understand what it felt like to be him, to be scarred and deformed, but I felt the loneliness - it was palpable. I also felt relief in his touch. I wasn't running, neither was he. Maybe, just maybe, I had found a kindred spirit.

His eyes. When I looked up and saw his eyes, I knew who he was immediately. Sage green. They had been haunting me since I'd seen them the previous week. I was confused and felt so damn vulnerable. He knew then, he saw my tears that night at the tattoo parlor, it had been Edward's eyes I had been dreaming of. And just as I wasn't running from his body, he wasn't running from my pain. Suddenly, it was too much to take in; I could feel myself getting worked up. What the hell was going on?

Before I could fall into a full panic though, an older woman with a soft face led me away from him. He had a pained expression on his face as I crept passed him. The woman's touch was gentle, but urgent. Part of me didn't want to leave him, would he disappear again? However, the other part of me desperately needed air. She left me on a sofa in the living room and came back with a bottle of something and a small glass.

"Drink now," she said in a heavy accent.

I did as I was told and cringed when I realized I had just gulped down a mouthful of vodka. It burned like hell going down but that didn't stop me from taking another gulp, and then another. She refilled my glass and asked if I was ok. When I nodded, she told me to call if I needed something, then she left me alone.

_I took my glass and walked to the floor to ceiling glass window and looked out onto the city and the park. That's where Edward found me. I don't know how long he had been standing there before I told him he owed me an explanation - which he did. I didn't need to be such a righteous bitch about it though. His words, his explanations, they touched me. He was so honest. He told me thought I was beautiful, he told me he understood me._

I didn't believe his words at first, but the more he spoke, the more I did. I knew I wasn't a cow, but I never would have put myself in the Rosalie file folder. He made me feel like maybe, just maybe, he would put me in that folder. He looked at me with such reverence, like I was special. How could I be special to a guy who had only seen me a handful of times?

Also, the more he spoke, the less I saw. His deformity would never be erased, but I had a feeling that once upon a time he looked worst, much worst. Luckily, he had the money for the best surgeons. What he must have looked like before, I couldn't imagine because what he looked like now was difficult to take in or ignore. I slowly got used to it through the night, though.

There was more to his face and body than the scars though. His nose was untouched, crooked, a little funny looking maybe, but not scarred. It was obvious that he frequented the gym. His body, past the horror that was the skin on his arm, leg, and rib cage, was unbelievable. What could have possibly happened to this once beautiful man? He was breathtaking once, that much I knew. It was a fire obviously, but from what? It wasn't my place to ask yet, but I needed to know eventually.

Edward was so fucking strong looking. He could lift me up over his head, I knew it. He was like Vladimir Klitschko, tall, solid, thick. His lips were unscathed, and the longer I looked, the more I wanted to know what it would be like to kiss them. He had a bottom lip that was utterly suck-able. The left half of his face was unmarred. He must have been breathtaking once - high cheekbones, a perfectly square chin. Plus there were his sage green eyes. They lacked any joy or sparkle, but they were filled with need and were beautiful nonetheless.

I couldn't ignore the angry scars that were plastered on him. But I also couldn't deny those parts of him that made me want to know more. He was two men smashed into one. Half of him unnerved me. That wasn't exactly good or bad, just... unnerving. The other half was tempting. And where the hell did that put me?

When he had Lydia run out and get me ice cream, I was surprised. I didn't love the idea of someone running around for me, but it was sweet. When I joked about Sixteen Candles, he laughed. He actually laughed, and it was strange and wonderful. Half of his face couldn't really move. It shifted, but as one mass - as if the muscles were all fused together, and I suppose they might have been. The result was odd. Half of his face lit up and it was a fabulous sight to behold, but half of him was frozen. The sound of his laugh was great, though – almost musical. He laughed, from his stomach and it was a rich, velvety sound. It was a deep joyous sound and something told me, a rare sound.

Of course, nothing could have prepared me for his smooth moves. Yes, he was smooth. I don't think he knew that, but without even thinking about it, he had me sitting cross-legged across from him. I was Sam, he was Jake. Maybe it was the role-playing, maybe it the sound of his laughter. Maybe it was because I saw something different flicker across his eyes. Maybe it was because he called me beautiful... but when I told him I wanted him to kiss me, I meant it.

His kiss was firm and simple - it sent a hum through my body. I'd kissed plenty of guys before, some amazing, some awful, but that one small kiss was so innocent. It was like kissing a virginal thirteen year old or something. It was refreshing, and it broke my heart. He kissed me like he'd never done it before. He didn't seem like some stud, ready to suck my face; he seemed like a shy, sweet kid ready for his first kiss. Even the way he asked me _"do you...want me to kiss you?" _He was so unsure, so disbelieving. I understood where the doubt came from, but what had he been doing with these women he supposedly been with over the years? Why would one silly little kiss have him so unsure?

It had been a really nice night. I couldn't remember the last time I had a nice night with a man. Before I left for the evening, just after he had called for his car to take me home, he took my hands in his and thanked me for a lovely evening. Wasn't that my line? I felt like the experienced, cool Jake, impressing the innocent, sweet Sam from _Sixteen Candles_. I thanked him back, still a little amused by the whole thing. Then we sort of froze... what next? Would he kiss me again? Did I have to ask? What the hell was proper protocol in that situation.

"Can I have your number?" He asked so quietly I almost didn't hear him.

"Sure. Promise to use it though?"

"I'll call you tomorrow… promise."

"I'd like that, Edward."

I gave it to him and took his number in return.

"When can I see you again?" He asked.

I wanted so badly to grab his face, pull it to mine and devour him, because the sweet factor was eating away at me. No fucking way was the hunka hunka piece of man, as Rosie would put it, that shy or unassuming. But he was. It was as if everything was new to him. When I told him he could see me again, to call me, he smiled his crooked half-smile at me. I told him we'd figure it out when he called me.

I made him smile twice! But before I attacked his sugary-sweet ass and scared him away, I went on my tippy toes, kissed his cheek, and walked out the door. I didn't look behind me, but in my mind I pictured him holding his hand to his cheek and not letting go all night. I chuckled in the elevator going down. I was all smiles as I went to bed that night.

I got a call on my cell while I was at work at exactly 11:30am the following morning. My heart skipped, he said he was going to call that night. I smiled and picked up my phone… it was Alice.

"What did you do?"

I wasn't sure if she was excited, angry, annoyed, or what.

"What? What did I do?" Then she started crying. "Oh my god Alice, what did I do?" I was worried, was she ok? Was Edward ok? Did I do something wrong?

"He called me Punky."

"Punky?"

"Punky Brewster. It was my favorite show when we were kids. He thought he was teasing me when he started calling me Punky, but I loved it."

"Ok, that's great. I still don't get it."

"Bella, he hasn't called me Punky in ten years. Then I walked through the door like fifteen minutes ago, Lydia is gushing that you were here until ten or something, then Edward walked by and said _morning Punky!_"

"Alice, this is a good thing right?" I asked still a little unsure.

She started laughing through her tears, "it's an AMAZING thing you nut!"

"Oh phew! Alice you had me worried there for a second."

"Ok, I need all the details, I need them stat!" she said, sounding more like Alice by the second.

"Umm, not much to tell."

"Like hell there isn't!"

"Ok fine, there's a little to tell."

"A little?"

"Ok fine you evil little alien there's a lot to tell."

"I'M LEAVING TO DO STUFF FOR YOUR UNGRATEFUL ASS! I'LL BE BACK LATER" she yelled away from the receiver. "I'll be there in fifteen minutes," she said to me. Before I could protest or make other arrangements, she had hung up. I sat there stunned, which was the accepted state of consciousness after speaking with Alice.

Fifteen minutes to the second later, Alice was in the chair next me, doing her little exciting bouncy-thing.

"Ok, so what on earth did you do the guy?"

I decided to get it out of the way early, and not delay the damage to my eardrums.

"I asked him to kiss me and he did."

Instead of the onslaught of squeals, yelling, and general pandemonium I was expecting, she sat there stunned. Mouth open, eyes wide - I thought she might have stopped breathing for a second there.

"Alice?" Nothing. "Alice? Come on now, say something." Nothing. "Are you angry? Happy? Jesus, just say something!"

Just then Mario showed up and whistled.

"Two for the price of one, must be my lucky day!"

Alice eyes went from hazel-eyed to red in a nano-second. She whipped around in her chair, stood up, and faced Mario.

"One, you don't whistle at a woman you peon, and two, if you don't get the hell out of here by the time I've finished this sentence I will personally see to it that you will never be able to whistle again. Got it?"

Mario went pale and ran out other door. She was my hero. That was it. She was hands down the coolest chick on the planet.

"Wow. That was amazing. I can't get him to deliver a package to the right address, let alone run away on command... you're not from Earth are you? See I've been forming this little theory and..."

"...Bella, focus," she said seriously as she sat back down and her eyes returned to their normal color. I bust out laughing because that was usually my line. "If you're quite finished... you were saying?"

"Right. I kissed Edward."

"Oh my god. I just... wow. Can you... I mean. HOW?"

I told her the entire story, well most of it anyway. I wasn't ready to share my sadness with her. When I was finished she pulled me into a heart-stopping hug.

"You're amazing, you know that?"

"I... thank you?"

"You have to promise me something."

"Ok."

"Bella, I don't know what's going to happen between the two of you, I can't see the future or anything, but I know this... he is going to fuck up. More than once."

"This better have a happy ending because you're not instilling much confidence here."

"He's a prick. He can be mean and rude and inconsiderate. He has a short temper and no patience. He's an asshole to work for and he's allergic to the word thank you."

"Give it to me straight why don't you."

"Even before the accident he was a self-centered spoiled kid who got everything and anyone he wanted."

"Ummm, I'm afraid to ask, but where does the promise come into all this."

"Despite his behavior and the shitty things that come out of his mouth, he's fiercely loyal, always was. He has an incredibly generous heart and deep down is the kid I remember. And, for better or worst, he's my cousin, and I love him. But if he fucks up badly enough for you to stop whatever relationship you wind up having, you have to promise me to be gentle."

"I don't really understand?"

"Bella, there are experiences he's had that aren't mine to tell, but just remember that he's lived in a tower with only myself and Lydia as company for ten years. He hardly steps outside or interacts with anyone because he's so sure that no one will accept him. He's become... bitter in his self-induced loneliness. So I'll ask again. If he should fuck things up badly enough for you to stop seeing or talking to him, please leave him gently. It might not seem like it," she paused, something dawning on her, "but he's actually come very far in the past ten years."

The last part seemed to be more for her own benefit than mine.

"Alice, I don't know what the future holds either, but if either of us fuck up badly enough to ruin whatever it is we have, I'll be as kind as I can about it, ok?"

"Thank you, Bella." and she gave me a teary hug. She would forever inspire me that fierce little alien-girl.

"You hungry, you little alien you?"

"I could eat," she smiled as she sniffled.

"Pizza?"

"Extra cheese, extra sauce."

The pizza guy walked through the front door just as Jake walked through the back.

Introductions were made, pizza was eaten, and later, after everyone had left and I was alone in the office again, I couldn't help but wonder what stories Edward had to tell.

I got home, took a shower, and put some water on to boil when my phone rang. It was Sue.

"Hi sweetie. I just wanted to see how your birthday went and how you're feeling."

"Hey Sue. It was... interesting." I knew I'd have to edit for my parent's sake. They would have freaked out and found a way to make it to New York if I told them everything.

"Interesting how?"

"Ummm, well... I wasn't feeling well after my last tattoo session so..." god I hated lying to Sue, "...so I called Alice. She came over with her cousin, who has a car," that was basically true right? "And they took me to his place to lie down. I wound up falling asleep there. Alice stayed with me the whole time."

"Oh Bella," she sounded so sad.

"Sue, really, I'm ok now. I am, I promise."

"Well, at least you have some more friends to lean on there. That does this old heart good. What made you sick sweetie?"

There I could be honest. "I hadn't eaten all day, I think mostly because I was just in my own sad little world you know? So when I got to the tattoo parlor, it took a lot out of me. I'm pretty sure I was crying, and between being tired and hungry and weak and all the rest of it, I just couldn't keep it up anymore and I kind of crashed."

"I really wish I could have been there for you."

"Me too Sue... I miss you," I said quietly, trying my hardest not to cry.

"Oh precious girl, I miss you too. And so does your father."

"I know," I said giving up the battle and letting the tear come.

"You say the word, and we'll come whisk you away."

"Ok."

"Ok."

"Hey Sue?"

"Yes?"

"I know mom isn't around anymore, but I want you to know how lucky I am to have you."

"Oh hell. Don't make me cry!"

"It's just, it's nice to know that you're there worrying for me and cheering me on."

"Dammit," she said and I could hear her sniffle. "Love you Sweetie."

"Love you too."

"Talk soon?"

"Ya, you bet."

I hung up and let out a sob. I think it was frustration more than anything. I wanted to visit. It had been forever, but my own emotions and memories got in the way. It was so damn selfish of me, but I just couldn't face Santa Fe yet. Just thinking about the smells, colors, and desert stung.

I had just put the pasta in the boiling water when my cell rung again. I didn't even bother looking at it and just answered "Sue, forget something?"

"It's Edward."

"Oh! Oh, I'm sorry. I was just talking to Sue."

"Your mother right?"

It was an innocent question, but it choked me up. "Right... my mother."

"Bella? Are you ok?"

"Umm, ya sure," I started not even fooling myself, "just a little tired."

"I'm coming over."

"What? No! Don't do that!"

"If you were really just a little tired you'd be asleep. I'm coming over."

"Please, I'll be fine."

"Don't buy it, not for a second. But if you're telling me you don't want me to come, I'll understand."

"I didn't mean that!"

"Bella, I get it."

"No, you don't."

"Then explain it to me."

"God you're demanding."

"Yup, and forceful... and I'm coming over." And too honest for his own damn good.

"Just wait..." but he hung up before I could even finish. "SHIT! Shit, shit, shit, shit."

My place was the size of a breadbox, but that didn't stop me from running around stuffing the odd pair of panties into a random drawer and straightening cushions and making my bed. I threw some frozen garlic bread into the toaster oven and warmed up some sauce while setting the tiny little table I had for two. I ran through some perfume, pinched my cheeks, threw on some lip-gloss and went to pee, because being nervous always made me pee.

I was just tossing the pasta with the sauce when the buzzer rang.

"Hello?"

"It's me," he said in a stern voice.

I let him up and looked around relieved that everything was in its place. That's when I realized that it was still light out. It wasn't quite fall and the days were still semi-long. It wasn't his usual night owl time. He came out in the light for me. I was really very touched. He didn't even think twice about it either. He just dropped whatever he was doing and came right over.

There was a knock at the door. I peered through the peephole to see him standing at the door, gray hoodie pulled over his head. I undid the locks, opened the door, and he stepped inside. When he was in, I closed and locked the door back up. I turned to him just as he was pulling his hood off. It's not that I had forgotten what he looked like, but it would take time before I couldn't see those scars anymore.

I couldn't stare for more than a second before he had stepped toward me and pulled me into him. I closed my eyes, let my arms wrap around his waist, and let out a breath I wasn't aware I had been holding. Again, being held by him felt so good - so safe and warm.

"I..." but he hesitated.

"Yes?" I whispered.

"I missed you," he said simply.

I squeezed him tighter. I didn't want to say it. Maybe I was having a hard time believing that after only 48 hours of knowing him, I missed him too - but I did. I missed being in his arms.

"Are you going to tell me why you're sad now?" he asked not letting me go.

"Sad?"

"Ya, sad."

"Funny, I almost forgot I was sad at all."

**EPOV**

I smiled a big shit-eating smile that she couldn't see. I didn't let go until I smelled something burning.

"Bella?"

"Hmmm," she answered dreamily. Smile smile smile.

"Is something burning?"

"Burning?" I could hear her sniffing the air. "GARLIC BREAD!" She exclaimed then pushed away and ran around me. I turned to see her opening a smoking toaster oven.

"Shit! Open the window before the alarm goes off!"

I took a few steps to the window and pushed it open.

"Good thing for you I like my garlic bread extra crispy," I joked.

I turned to see her frowning over a completely blackened loaf of what must have been garlic bread once upon a time. She looked so fucking cute pouting over her spilled milk that I couldn't help it and started laughing.

"Oh very funny!"

"Oh now, come on, you just look so cute and crestfallen."

Her eyes shot daggers at me and instincts took over again. I walked over to her, bent over slightly, and kissed her. It wasn't some 13 year old her kissing that time either, it was me, Edward. An Edward who desperately wanted to taste her. I heard something fall the floor and felt her ovenmitt-clad hands reach around my head. She deepened the kiss. When I felt her warm, wet tongue touch mine, I moaned. I couldn't help it. I don't know how long we stood there sucking face, but eventually lack of air forced us to stop.

We pulled apart, panting, but smiling. She picked up the miserable excuse for bread up off the floor, tossed it, and told me to sit down. I sat down and waited as she brought over a big bowl and a serving spoon. She ran back to the fridge and pulled out some grated Parmesan cheese.

"Ice Tea?"

"Ya, sounds great. Haven't had iced tea in a long time."

"You're in luck, it's my own recipe, and it's stellar."

"Isn't it just tea, water and sugar?"

"Maybe," she answered before returning with the cheese and pitcher.

She got us two glasses and finally joined me at the table. I poured us ice tea.

"To our first dinner," I said holding up my glass.

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**A/N**

**And so... what do we think? Your responses have been wonderful thank you. Constructive and supportive all around - now I just want more of them. I know I'm a greedy little bugger. **


	10. Chapter 9, Staying

**What 2 chapters again? I know, I wasn't expecting it either. Also again, I didn't want to delay posting, so mistakes are mine.  
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**As with the previous one, I had so much help with this chapter from the amazing trio of Kikikinz, Theotherbella, and Bookoisseur. **

**Time to release the beast...**

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**Chapter 9, Staying**

**BPOV**  
Edward asked me over for dinner at his place that weekend. He was adorable about it too. He kept running his hand through his hair. He had to psych himself up with a few deep breaths. When he asked me, I could barely make out the words they came out so quickly. He asked what he "could serve me." A flash of something naughty flickered through my head, but instead I said pizza. Of course he responded that he hadn't had pizza in ages - poor, poor man.

I was excited. He had never seen me in anything other than jeans with tears in my eyes. I wanted to look pretty for him, and I knew just what I wanted to wear, too. Every girl has that one outfit that makes them feel sexy, and gorgeous, and awesome. Mine was a navy blue dress and my maroon cowboy boots. The dress rested a few inches above my knees, had a typical southwestern design on it, and was completely sheer, but had a matching slip. There was elastic at the neckline and a tie in the middle. I guess you were supposed to wear the thing pulled down over your shoulders, but I hated it like that, I just popped back up whenever you moved your arms. I liked it falling off one shoulder, it made me feel very _Flashdance_. Because it was shapeless, I always wore it with a big leather belt my mother bought for me years ago. I hadn't worn it since I moved to New York.

Edward insisted on sending the car for me. I told him he was spoiling me, and he simply said "good." Before the driver arrived, I scrunched my hair with some goop to encourage the curl and put on a full face of makeup - mascara, eyeliner, the whole thing. I thought I looked pretty damn good, and while I wasn't expecting anything to happen in the bedroom, I wouldn't say no to some heavy making out.

At six, the driver rang my bell, and I made my way down to the town car. A half hour later I was in the elevator making my way up to the penthouse. Before I rang the bell, I whipped out my compact to check myself. Confident in how I looked, I rang the bell. A few seconds later, he opened the door and once that split second initial shock passed, I took a good look. He was wearing a white button down shirt, un-tucked, sleeves rolled up, and pair of old faded jeans. But he wasn't wearing socks or shoes, and his hair was gelled, and his eyes were actually sparkling. He looked... sexy. I should have been surprised, but I was. I was also getting a little warm and flustered.

**EPOV**  
When I opened the door she took my fucking breath away. Her hair was down with loose curls, her chocolate brown eyes were bright, her lips glossy, her cheeks pink. She was wearing this short dress that was falling off one shoulder. I could see her knees, and some of her leg, and those fucking cowboy boots? Shit - she looked really, really fucking sexy. I only hoped I could pay attention to her all night without excusing myself to rub one out.

She walked in and kissed me on the cheek. I had to find out what the fuck that perfume or cream was she used because I wanted bottles of it. The doorman had delivered the pizzas ten minutes before she arrived. I wasn't sure what kind she wanted, so I wound up ordering three and hoping for the best. Lydia had set up a table outside. I told her it would get chilly, but she had me follow her to the patio. I didn't know that I had tall standing outdoor heaters... Alice. Bless her.

We ate our pizza outside, by the light of the New York skyline. Turns out that, unlike ice cream, she wasn't picky about her pizza and had some of every pie I ordered. It was amazing. We just talked. I couldn't get enough. She told me about high school and college. She told me about her parents' divorce and Sue. She didn't mention her real mother much though, so I left that alone.

I told her about pre-med, but not what school or what made me stop; I thought she could figure that out for herself. I told her about always being something of a wiz kid with money, stocks, and playing the market. I told her about managing my family's finances and that I was in charge of the donations we made - including some scholarship funds. I even told her that I didn't really speak with my family much - she let that alone, thankfully.

Once dinner was over and ice cream was had, we went back inside. Sitting on the couch, a brandy for her, scotch for me, we sat close and talked about more about her, the business, the first time she met Alice, and her and Rosalie's friendship. I had my arms around her shoulders, she was tucked into my body, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what the fuck she was doing there with me.

She was beautiful! Stunning and sexy! What the hell could she possibly want with me? I was ugly, broken, angry, a fucking asshole. Sure all she had seen was my good side, because she brought that out in me, but that wasn't who I was. I was Edward Masen, a cold hearted, nasty son of a bitch who paid women to fuck him while he wore leather and masks. I was a selfish dick who cut off everyone. What could this amazing woman want with me?

I went through so many angles in my head. It was a joke, a cruel April fools charade. Alice put her up to it. Maybe she was really some spy come to see what happened to the famed Edward Cullen. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I was getting myself more and more worked up but she didn't seem to notice, she just kept talking.

When she mentioned that even with the combined forced that was herself, Alice, and Rosalie, they didn't have enough start up money to get their business going... I snapped! That was it wasn't it? She wanted my fucking money to start her stupid fucking business. Of course, Alice who was a conniving little sneaky bitch, put her up to it. Alice knew I would brush her off, but Bella? How could I say no to Bella?

I pulled my arm away from her, stood up, threw my drink against the wall and told her to shut up. I turned back to face and she looked terrified.

"Where did she find you huh?"

"W... what are you talking about?" she asked all fucking timid and shit.

"You know Alice has done some sneaky shit but this tops it all!"

She stood up.

"Edward. Stop this. Just what do you think is going on here?"

"I'm thinking that Alice put you up to being nice to me so that I would fund your stupid little company."

"You unbelievable bastard. How dare you speak to me or about Alice that way."

"This act is great. It really is - keep it up sweetheart."

"Fuck you Edward."

"Fuck me? Was that part of the plan too?"

She looked at me appalled. Stricken really. She was playing her part so damn well.

"JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

"NO! You don't mean that!" she yelled holding her ground.

"Don't make me remove you myself!" I growled baring my teeth like some lunatic.

She searched my eyes, and her face fell. She didn't seem angry or fearful. She seemed sad.

"I'll just grab my things and show myself to the door," she said as she began to walk away from me.

"GOOD!" I roared because I'm a fucking petulant ass and needed the final word.

She stopped though and turned around. I was panting in anger, letting all of my self-hate wash over me. But when she began speaking, without malice, without anything other than utter honesty and disappointment in her voice, I was shattered. She was supposed to yell back, to rage. She didn't.

"You know, Alice told me she worked for a monster. A man who made her life complicated. A man that was so difficult, she needed outlets and friends just to make it through the weeks and months without going insane. I didn't know she was talking about you at the time, "she paused, and I was... really fucking confused. "She might see you as a rat bastard, but I see you for what you really are..."

Whatever she was going to say, it wasn't going to be good.

"...pathetic."

And it stung like salt on a wound. I hung my head because she was so right.

"You once asked me not to pity you, but I do. And it has nothing to do with those stupid fucking scars either. "

That hurt more than any fire could. I hated pity, I despised it. But she didn't even pity me for my ruined skin. She pitied me because of what I had become. I looked at my hands - one perfect, one foul. I desperately needed a drink suddenly - I turned my back to her to get one.

"Don't you dare turn your back on me!" She seethed with a quiet intensity.

I froze. Her voice was terrifying.

"I'm here," she said more calmly, "in your apartment," she was composing herself, " willing to try to be a part of your life," she sounded like Bella again, "but you just can't get past it can you? I'm not here to stare at your deformities like you were some kind of freak. And I'm certainly not here because I'm some kind of whore who wants a fucking sugar daddy you revolting piece of shit."

She didn't yell. How could she not be yelling at me? She just sounded sad, like I had broken her heart or something. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I was revolting. Had I really called her a whore? Shit she didn't deserve that - even if she was playing me.

"I'm here because..."

What? Why was she here, I needed to hear it! I turned around.

"I'm here because I don't feel like I'm alone when you hold me," she admitted.

Christ, I'm an asshole.

"I see the scars, I do. And I'm not stupid or delusional enough to pretend that there will be a day when I won't see them. But you're more then those scars, Edward. You stalked me because you thought I was beautiful - because for some reason you can't explain, you wanted to help me, to take away my pain. Well from the second I saw your eyes that night, they've haunted me. I think about you all the time. I can't help it anymore! I want to know everything. I want to know where the scars came from, I want to know why you've locked out your family, I want to know why you don't have friends, I want to know your favorite book."

Why did I deserve any of this? Why was she still there? I had yelled and threatened her, called her a whore - but she was still there. Then it dawned on me: she actually liked me, maybe even cared for me. That's why she was there, because by some stroke of incredible luck, she actually fucking liked me. She was rambling out of control, letting everything pour out, and I fucking loved every second of it.

"I want to know your favorite singer, color, how you spent your 16th birthday. What your first car was, who you lost your virginity to, your fist kiss, I want to know what you sound like when you sleep. I want to see your face when you come."

She stopped and gasped at her own words. Then she turned bright red and covered her face with her hands. What in my miserable excuse of a life had I done to deserve this woman? I walked across the room until I was inches from her. I wrapped my hands around her wrists and urged her to uncover her face. We were face-to-face, my hands still hold onto her wrists, our arms dangling between us.

What could I say to make her understand? I didn't deserve her. She was too good for me. She needed to turn around and not waste any more time trying to make me a decent human being.

"Bella, I'm not good."

"Oh for Christ sake," a frustrated sigh escaped her lips, "you're not good at what?" She didn't understand, yet.

"I'm not good inside."

She scrutinized my face, crinkling her eyes as if she were seeing me for the first time or something. It made me incredibly anxious. I wanted to bolt, to lock myself in my office.

"Can I be honest with you?"

I let out a morbid chuckle filled with all the irony I could muster.

"Don't stop now," I said sarcastically.

"I don't think you have any idea who you are inside anymore."

"Bullshit, I'm a monster," I said automatically like some drone.

She ignored my words.

"You've locked yourself out of your own life - literally. And I get it, because I can't presume to even imagine what you've been through. But please... please don't lock me out too. I think..."

Then she just stopped talking. I thought maybe she was collecting her thoughts, but the silence stretched out too long for my comfort.

"Don't stop. You think..." I urged.

She looked me in the eyes and said with complete sincerity: "I think we need each other, Edward."

I was floored.

"You need me?"

"And you need me," not a question.

"But-"

"-Enough! Enough, Edward. Just stop thinking, please"

I didn't know what to say or do, so I stood there like marble unable to move.

"Edward?"

"Yes?" I asked, concerned.

"Now would be a really good time to apologize to me."

"FUCK!" I yelled, "I'm such an ass."

"Sometimes."

"I'm sorry. Sorry isn't enough is it? What can I do to explain myself? I was so out of line. The worst part it is, I didn't mean any of it - not one word Bella, I swear."

"Then why even say it?"

"I'm in disbelief that you're willing to give me a chance. I don't get it and I know I don't deserve it. I keep trying to find an angle that explains you being in my life. But I can't. You're sexy, and beautiful, and talented, and so full of life, and I'm-"

"-If you say you're a monster one more time, I'm leaving."

"Fine. I'm broken and angry, and I haven't been a real part of the human race for a long time. The whole accusing you of being after my money was maybe one of the lowest moments in my life. I've even forgotten my manners completely; my mother would kill me for that alone. I haven't done a single thing right with you yet. This isn't how it's supposed to be Bella. I should be sending you flowers and shit."

"Says who?"

"I dunno, Hallmark?"

"Seriously, Edward? Let's just agree to keep doing things our way ok? I don't need flowers, I sure as shit don't care what Hallmark says, and as for manners? Watch your damn temper, never accuse me of anything before talking to me first, and as long as you don't start slurping your food and eating with your hands, I'll help you remember the rest."

She wasn't real, she couldn't be.

"First lesson: after apologizing to a lady, you kiss her."

_Yes ma'am._

I closed the inches between us, not letting go of her wrists, bent my head over, closed my eyes, and kissed her. All I could think was: _you're an undeserving bastard_. That was followed by: _is she pressing herself against me? _I could feel her twist her wrists out of my hands. She slowly wrapped her arms around my waist but not before flattening her hands against my body and dragging them toward my back.

I couldn't help but moan into her mouth as I felt her purposely press her tits into me. Her hands started making their way down to my hips where my jeans were resting. She dragged my shirt up and looped her thumbs into my belt loops. I wanted to pull away, to stop things before they went too far, but I couldn't. She passed her tongue over my teeth, and I felt myself getting hard.

She pulled her lips from mine and unhooked her thumbs from my jeans. She took my hand and started walking.

"Where are we going?"

"Bedroom."

I started to panic.

"Bella, isn't this kind of fast?" Shit, I was 13 again.

"Doing things our way, remember?"

_Jesus snap out of it. Bella, who has seen you almost naked before by the way, wants you in a bed. Go with it you idiot. _

When we reached my room, she closed the door. There was really no need, but I didn't say anything. Who was I kidding? I could barely breathe let alone speak. She sat on the edge of the bed and started pulling off her boots. All I could do was stare. I found myself wondering what color nail polish she would have on her toes. When both shoes were off, she pulled off her socks. No polish - just bare. I chastised myself. I had become so used to women with "perfect" tans and "perfect" manicures.

She undid her belt and let it fall to the floor. Her dress loosened around her body and she began pulling her arm through the sleeve. She tugged on her other sleeve, getting her arm through and her dress fell from her body, the fabric just pooling at her feet. She was in nothing but a navy slip.

She was reaching for the bottom of her slip when my feet finally started moving.

"Can I?" I asked.

She just smiled and nodded. I bent over, grabbed the hem and slowly lifted. She put her arms over her head and when the fabric passed her hands, I let it drop to the floor with the rest of her clothes. I had to take a minute before I could step back to look at her. I already knew she was beautiful - but something told me that actually seeing her before me in nothing but her underwear was going to affect me deeply.

When I did step back I saw miles of perfect, smooth, pale skin. She was wearing a simple pair of navy cotton panties and a matching bra. Suddenly navy was my new favorite color. She reached behind her back, and un-hooked her bra. My hand found its way to my chest where my heart was threatening to break through my ribs. When her breasts were exposed me, I was struck by exactly how stunning she was.

Heavy and full, her breasts hung on her body like deliciously ripe fruits. Pert, dark pink nipples pebbled before my eyes. Her chest gave way to her waist before her righteous hips completed the classic figure before me. There were no defined abs, plastic bits, or hard surfaces on Bella. There was flesh and curves, and soft edges. I desperately wanted to touch her.

She stood there before me, probably waiting for me to do something, but all I could do was look at her. I would have shuddered under the scrutiny, but she let me look and take her in. When I finally found the nerve to move toward her, she stood her ground, watching me, a small smile on her face. All I could think was how brave she was. Nudity had become something terrifying for me.

I didn't know what to do with myself when I was close to her again. She was there and mine for the taking - she was offering herself to me. I was honored, but I was scared. I hadn't touched a naked woman with my bare hands or licked or tasted a woman for years. I'd dreamt of tracing a woman's shape with my fingers, making her tremble with my kisses, and now that the opportunity was there, I was frozen solid.

She took my hand and rested it on her hip. The heel of my hand touching her stomach, my fingers felt the promise that was her soft, round ass. She stood on her toes to reach my mouth and kissed me. Was it possible to faint from a kiss?

"Just breathe, Edward."

She must have known how overwhelmed I was. Just knowing that she was aware of what she was doing to me made me thankful. I didn't need to pretend I was cool or collected and I dropped to me knees in relief. I pulled her body to me, my head rested perfectly just under her breasts, my ear pressed against her stomach. I let my hands rest just above the swell of her ass. I could feel her breathing, her stomach pressing into my face with every inhalation.

My heart began to beat normally, and I let my pinkies dip beneath the elastic of her panties. I heard a small whimper, and her hands found their way to the back of my head. Emboldened, I moved my digits, one by one beneath the soft cotton. It was her breath that began to quicken then. When I could cup her cheeks in my hands, feeling the soft fullness there, I let out a guttural moan. It was then that I knew I needed to see all of her. I pulled my head back and pushed my hands further down, taking her panties with me. Inch by luscious inch her sex was exposed to me.

A trimmed, perfectly groomed triangle of soft, brown curls filled my eyes. I couldn't help myself, and my lips met the soft flesh just above her pubic hair. She whimpered my name. I thought I would come from the sound alone. I couldn't be inside her, not yet. I wouldn't last - there would be no way. It would take time before I knew I could love her body right. In the meantime however, I had every intention of getting to know her sounds, her spots, and her taste.

I may not have wooed her properly, met her properly, or even treated her properly, but I would be sexing her properly as of right then. As I stood, I picked her up into my arms. She was surprised at first then smiled broadly. I walked to the side of the bed, laid her down carefully and took in the sight of a naked Bella Swan on my duvet cover. The white would no longer do I realized - I made a mental note to have Alice buy navy blue sheets and covers as soon as humanly possible.

When I crawled onto the bed next to her still fully clothed, she opened her mouth to say something, but I stopped her with a kiss.

"I haven't done a damn thing right yet, just let me do this for you? Please? "

She put a hand on my cheek and nodded. I held her hand and kissed the palm before lavishing kisses down to her elbow, further to her cheek, and kissing the tender skin where here neck and shoulder met. She giggled. She was ticklish - I'd store that tidbit away for another time. I moved to her ear and nibbled on her earlobe before taking it into my mouth and sucking it gently.

She sighed contentedly.

Since they were so close, I stole a kiss from her lips before moving down her neck, toward her chest. I took a quick glance at her tits, so round and heavy, before I licked her left nipple. She whimpered. I needed to hear her whimper again. I took her nipple into my mouth and sucked gently, at first. I was awarded with soft little _mmms_. When I rolled her nipple between my teeth, she sucked in a shuddering breath.

My hand found her other breasts and began massaging and squeezing. I felt her roll her hips beside me.

"Do you like this?" I wanted to know everything about her body.

"Yessss..." she answered, hissing.

"Bella, I need you to know that it's been a long time since..."

"Since?" she asked.

"Since I've touched a women, or licked, or sucked." I mean that honestly, as an admission, but she moaned at my words.

"I desperately need you to touch me Edward. If you don't, I will."

"Show me how you like to be touched, please."

She brought her knees up, setting her feet on the bed. Her hand traveled down her body and her legs closed around it.

"No, no beautiful," I said, gently pulling at her knee, "I want to see everything, keep your legs open for me."

She spread her legs and I shifted down the bed, getting a better look. She dipped her pointer finger inside, twirled it around a bit. When she pulled it out I could see it glistening. Shit, she was wet already. She found her clit and began rubbing it gently with her wet finger. I was getting so fucking hard. A naked Bella was touching herself for me, how couldn't I? I was telling the truth when I said I wanted everything to be about her - I had to try to ignore it.

When I looked back at her face, she was staring at me.

"What?" I asked. "What are you looking at?"

"Watching you study me turns me on."

Damn. Ignoring was going to get, ahem, harder.

"Keep watching, beautiful, and don't stop touching yourself."

I crawled to the space between her knees and spread her legs as far as she would allow. When I finally saw her glistening, dark pink walls, I almost came. I'd be jerking off to the sight for years to come. Slowly, I let my pointer and middle finger slip between her folds.

"So fucking smooth. Shit and so damn warm."

"Ungh... don't stop talking."

"You're so beautiful Bella, writhing naked for me."

I let my finger curl and flex inside her heat.

"I can't wait to see you come."

"Shiiiiiit."

"I want to lick you. Would you let me do that later?"

"YES!" she screamed.

Her free hand rested on her breast. She began pinching and pulling at her nipple.

"Oh god Bella, you don't know how incredible you look like this."

"Tell me..." she pleaded.

"All I see is creamy white flesh, hot pink folds, and your incredible tits. Keep touching yourself, beautiful. God I want to see you come."

"Just ask me, Edward," she said, before she sucked in her bottom lip.

"Would you come for me, beautiful? I want to see you coming on my fingers."

She sped up her ministrations, as did I. She started bucking and twisting her hips. When I felt her legs begin to shake I knew she was close. Before I knew it, her walls constricted around my fingers and her legs closed in on me. She let out a quiet but strangled cry, and I felt warmth ooze between my fingers. Her head pressed back into the pillow, and she pushed her tits into the air. From her shuddering erratic breathes, to her open, gasping mouth, she was so fucking gorgeous.

A moment later, she dropped her hands, lowered her head and chest, and I pulled my fingers out. She was flushed and still breathing heavily, but the most extraordinary smile crept into her lips.

"Thank you," she said.

"No way, thank you."

"Would you mind if I took a shower?"

A sudden flash of her in my shower, dripping wet from every surface, popped into my head.

"Yes," I said pushing the image out of my head for the time being, "but I'm not done with you."

"Huh?" she asked.

I didn't answer; instead I pushed her legs apart once again. Her eyes went wide.

"Edward, really you don't ha..."

But before she could finish, my face was buried between her thighs, and my tongue had licked at her slit. The smell of her heady arousal drove me nuts. It was a thick earthy odor that made me want more. I spread her lips apart and licked at her already swollen clit. She cried out.

"Too much!" She gasped.

"Not for me," I mumbled into her body.

I let the flat of my tongue lap against her nerves, more gently that time. She whimpered, and her hands went to my hair. That must have been a good thing, she had done that before. I licked at her slowly, reverently, happily. Every moan, every whimper, every fucking wiggle and twist and arching of her back made me feel like a million bucks. The way her curls tickled my face, the way her creamy fucking thighs brushed against the sides of face, the way she whispered my name... it was fucking heaven.

I knew she was close when I felt her legs start to tremble again. Her fingers dug into my scalp. I had forgotten what a turn on that was and moaned into her body at the feeling. She cried out.

"Again, please again!"

Something else I had forgotten... humming. I wrapped my lips around her clit and hummed over and over again. I could hear her gasping breaths and wanton noises, and they went straight to my dick. My poor fucking cock was pressed so hard into my jeans I thought it might bruise. I remembered what made her come the last time though.

"Come for me, beautiful...please."

And she did. I moved my tongue to her entrance and lapped at her slit while she came. I didn't give a fuck what she tasted like - she just tasted like Bella. I did give a fuck that I had made her come... twice. If my aching dick hadn't hurt as much as it did pressed up against my zipper, I would have said I was on top of the world. But I was in sweet fucking agony.

After a few random convulsions, she calmed down and found her breath.

"I bet I look like a mess huh?"

"Fishing for compliments?"

"No. I've been writhing on this bed for the past... who knows how long. My hair must look like a rats nest."

"I didn't notice. You just look beautiful to me."

"Damn you're good."

I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders.

"You can take a shower if you want now. Use whatever you want."

"Thanks. Don't go anywhere!"

"I'll be right here when you get out, promise."

She sat up and went to the bathroom. As soon as I heard the water running, I ran to the guest bathroom down the hall. I unzipped and unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them down quickly. It hurt like a fucking bitch, but once my erection was free, I made it all better. I thought of Bella moaning, whimpering, arching her back. I thought of that first sight of her wet, pink folds. I pumped my dick in my hands over and over. I handled my self roughly needing the release but also wanting to get back to Bella.

"Come for me, beautiful," I repeated to myself.

I could feel the ghost of her legs shaking around me. I could feel the warmth on my fingers. I could hear her gasping. I pumped my hand against my length furiously. I doubled over in sweet delicious pain when I finally came in hot, hard spurts. I was dizzy and had to grab onto the sink or fall on my ass. When the world stopped spinning, and my dick was satiated, I knew nothing would ever be the same.

I washed my hands, wiped my dick clean, pulled up my pants and ran back to the bedroom. Barely a minute later, she walked out, hair wrapped up in a towel, another wrapped around her body. She looked devilishly good. Just one little tug of the towel and...

"Have anything I can wear?"

Was someone talking?

"Hello!" she laughed, "Earth to Edward!"

"Hi."

"Hi," she laughed. "Snap out of it, lover boy. Have something I can wear?"

"Wear?"

"On my body, an article of clothing?"

"Oh!"

I jumped up and went to my closet and grabbed the first shirt my hand touched and handed it to her. She winked and went back to the bathroom. I stood there like a dog waiting for her. When she stepped out, she was wearing one of my monogrammed striped dress shirts that I never wore but Alice insisted on buying. I was giving that woman a raise. Creamy thighs, damp hair, exposed sternum, and my initials right over her heart. Just when I thought I couldn't possibly want her more.

"Coming to bed, Edward?" she asked she pulled the duvet off and crawled in.

"You're staying?"

"Yes."

"Wow."

She laughed whole-heartedly. Every time she moved, the shirt would shift and I would catch a glimpse of some part of her. Flash of hip, thigh, curls... When she was finished, she pulled the cover away from my side of the bed and patted the mattress. I knew she had seen me almost naked before, but I just wasn't ready to undress in front of her. I slept in the nude usually, but I wasn't ready for that with her either. I grabbed a pair of boxers from my drawer and slipped into the bathroom.

I had to psych myself up before I walked out there in nothing but boxers. _She's seen your body before. For some reason she likes you. For some reason she let you touch and lick her. She wasn't going to recoil and scream. _

I walked out looking much calmer than I felt and didn't really relax until I was under the covers. She scooted over, rested her still damp hair on my shoulder and curled into my normal side. She fit beside me so perfectly. She felt so good. It was all so right.

"So, are you a remote hog?" she asked.

"I don't really know actually, let's find out."

It turned out I wasn't. I was so in awe of the fact that she was there, curled into me, staying, sleeping with me, that I didn't care what we watched. When she fell asleep, half way through some biography about the British royal family, I took the remote from her, turned off the TV, and wrapped my arm around my beauty before blissfully, falling asleep.

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**A/N**

**I released the beast! In more ways than one, *wink wink*.**

**Man, I really, really want to know what you guys thought about this. Please don't keep me in suspense!**


	11. Chapter 10, The Morning After

**First and foremost, need to thank my sweet, sweet beta, TheOtherBella, who gave me a much needed confidence boost. Thank you so much bb!**

**Now I have to thank all of you. I am so grateful for every story/author add and for every single review. Really, it means so much to me.**

**Some of you expressed your surprise that Bella didn't reciprocate with Edward. Also, some of you were surprised at how quickly Bella jumped into bed with him. Let me just say Edward will get his happy ending soon and every writer puts themselves in the character. I was never good at waiting….**

**There are some squirts of lemon down there, enjoy.**

**I don't own, I just play.**

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**BPOV** When I woke up, sunlight was streaming through the large glass doors off of Edward's bedroom.

I knew he had tattoos, but until that morning, I had never actually paid attention to them. After all, there were always too many other things to look at with Edward. But as he lay there sleeping, sunlight tickling his skin, I couldn't help but notice the ink for the first time. His arm was lifted over his head, he lay on his back, the covers had long been kicked aside during the night. On his left ribcage was a giant weeping willow. It was barren, its fallen leaves pooled down by the roots on the ground. I knew instantly that it was the personification of loneliness and my heart ached not only for him, but for me for understanding it immediately.

I wasn't expecting anything to be marked on his right side, his burned half, but along the inside of his leg, starting just above his ankle and making its way up to his inner thigh, was a column of angry flames. I could see that they culminated into something further up, something closer to his groin, but his boxers blocked my view. All I wanted to do was calm the flames, erase them from his body. Why would he want a daily reminder of his pain? Why would he permanently set himself on fire? Hadn't been through enough?

I was about to lift the fabric of his boxers to see the rest when he yawned.

"Morning," I said quietly.

He turned his head toward my voice. Opening his eyes slowly, he seemed confused and furrowed his brow.

"Did you sleep well," I asked.

He blinked a few times. Something seem to register in his head before he spoke my name.

"Bella?"

"Yes," I asked, amused. He seemed to think he dreamt me.

"You're actually here."

"Mhmm."

"I slept... really well actually. What time is it? Is that the sun?"

"Will you melt? You're not a vampire right? That's the kind of thing a girl needs to know."

He smiled.

"No, not a vampire, I just tend to wake up at dawn no matter what I do."

"Oh. Well it's just past nine."

"Hungry?"

"Always. I'll rustle us up some breakfast."

"Bella, please, this is my place; I'll do the rustling."

"Oh come on, please? I've been dying to get my hands on your kitchen."

"Never thought I'd be jealous of kitchen appliances," he mumbled. "Will it make you happy?"

"Endlessly."

"Then how can I refuse?"

"See, this is going to work right here," I winked and kissed him on the cheek.

I was turning myself around ready to jump off the bed, when something yanked me back. A set of strong arms wrapped around my torso and pulled me. When I was nestled against his broad, strong body, he kissed my neck. I shivered.

"You didn't think you'd be leaving this bed without a good morning kiss did you?"

I think I may have made some oh-so-sexy drooling noise before shaking my head.

He moved the hair from my face and neck with his right hand before blowing on the back of my ear. My whole body shuddered. When he took my ear lobe in his mouth and sucked it, I thought I would come right then.

"Jesus Bella, you smell like my body wash. Do you have any idea what a fucking turn on that is?"

"No, but tell me anyway."

He pressed his hips against my ass and felt what it did to him. I moaned. I could actually feel him getting harder against me. His arms traveled up from my waist, across my rib cage, until his hands found my tits. He cupped them through the fabric of his dress shirt and pushed his pelvis forward.

"You have the most incredible rack, Bella. So big and..." thrust "...shit, round."

I could feel an aching heat between my legs and rubbed my legs together. I wanted him to touch me, to make me feel like he had the previous night, but I also desperately wanted to take care of now rock hard dick poking at my ass.

"Edward."

"Bella."

"It's my turn to take care of you now."

"You already are, you're here, letting me fondle you."

Just to prove his point, he let go of my tits, grabbed both sides of the shirt at my rib cage, and pulled with one violent tug. Buttons flew, the shirt opened up, and before I could even protest, one hand was on my breast, the other worming its way between my legs.

"Open those legs, beautiful."

"But I want to touch you," I whined.

"Later. I want to hear you whimper first."

"Damn..." I knew it was a losing battle. I couldn't resist Edward offering to make me whimper.

"Open, please." God, just him using the word "please" got me worked up.

"Yes," I opened my legs wider, "yes," as his hand cupped my sex, "yes!" as his palm pressed into my clit.

"Oh God, Bella," he ground out as he slowly began rubbing his erection against my ass. "Are you wet already beautiful?"

"Yes."

When I felt his finger making its way past my lips, I started panting and he started grinding into my backside with gusto. The second his finger was buried inside me he growled and huffed - just like the beast he kept trying to convince me he was.

"I made you wet," he said as he began thrusting at my ass.

"Yes," I panted.

He pulled his finger out and ran up my slit till he found my nerves and started rubbing.

"I made you wet," he repeated again, thrusting and rubbing. "I made you wet," he snarled, "I made you wet," he said again. Over and over, like some erotic mantra he chanted. With each pass of his finger and thrust of his hips I could feel myself coiling tighter and tighter.

"Come with me beautiful!"

His grinding became more erratic, but his fingers wouldn't stop rubbing at me. I felt him tense behind me and although I'd never seen or felt him come before, I knew he was about to. When he yelled out and pressed himself against me, it urged my own orgasm and I let go. I could feel his moist boxers against my ass, and he could feel my release on his hand.

"Thank you, Edward."

"You have to stop that, Bella. Believe me the pleasure is all mine."

"I think the sticky mess on your hand says otherwise."

"Never thought I'd get to say this again, but I'm a lucky, lucky man."

He said it so earnestly. I was so immediately moved I had to blink back tears. He made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the whole city! And, I gave him something special in return. I couldn't pinpoint what I was giving him exactly, well besides my body, but whatever it was, it mattered to him.

"Take your shower, I'll start breakfast," I said making sure not to face him in case my stupid girly emotions got their way. I didn't want to alarm him or making him think I was sad or anything, because I wasn't - I was far from sad.

I got up and threw the ruined shirt on the bed. Naked, I walked to his closet and pulled out another monogrammed button down shirt and slipped it on. I thought I heard him groan again as I walked out the door. I couldn't explain what made me so sure and comfortable around Edward. Maybe it was how special he made me feel, maybe it was because he insisted on calling me beautiful, maybe it was because for the first time, I had met someone who needed me just as much as I needed him.

**EPOV **When she got up and walked to my closet naked, all I could do was stare at the way her waist gave way to her grab-worthy ass. I groaned as she took another one of my shirts and put it on. Why was it somehow sexier that she was putting on my shirt instead of taking it off? She walked out of the room and I stared at the doorway reveling in the wrinkled sheets, her smell lingering on my bed, pillows, and hands. I almost didn't take that shower.

As I was toweling off I could smell something wonderful coming from the kitchen. God, it smelled amazing. I almost ran to the kitchen naked but stopped myself. I threw on a pair of gym shorts and a shirt and found Bella at the range sauteing something. One hand was on her hip, her hair was pulled back with a spoon.

What I wanted to say was why are you so amazing? What came out was "what smells so amazing."

"Onions and butter."

"I had onions and butter?"

"Yes and not much else except for protein shakes."

"I can have it filled... I mean if you like... I mean I'm not assuming anything it's just... shit."

"Edward," she said turning to face me, "stop thinking please. Could you put a few slices of that terrifying looking bread in the toaster please?"

"Hey! It's not terrifying, it's spelt."

"Well, here's hoping with enough butter it'll be edible. I suppose you want your omelet whites only?" she said, just a hint of disgust on her tongue.

"God you make me sound like yuppie scum."

She burst out into laughter. Her head flew back, her whole body moved. The sound echoed through the apartment, it was incredible. I wanted to record it - play it over and over.

"Oh. My. God," she managed to get out through big gasping breathes. She walked to me, kissed my good cheek and said: "you're adorable right now, you know that?"

Adorable? I was adorable? Yikes, I'd gone from angry ogre to cuddly bunny in under 12 hours.

"So, yuppie scum, egg whites?"

"Umm... yes?"

"It's not a test, Edward."

"I'm just trying to decide what answer gets me away from adorable yuppie scum?"

"Definitely not egg whites - live on the edge."

"Right, then whole eggs, please."

She smiled, then started cracking eggs into a bowl. I popped some bread into the toaster and started the coffee.

"So how do you like your coffee?"

"Oh I don't. Well unless it's Cuban, slash, Turkish, slash Greek."

"So you like... sludge?"

"Yes," she chuckled, "sludge and tea."

I looked through the cabinets and found a box of tea. I couldn't tell what kind it was though because it was Lydia's and Polish. I took a mug and filled it water and was about to stick it in the microwave when Bella, sounding appalled, stopped me.

"You're nuking my water?"

"Yes?"

"Eww. Isn't there a kettle here?"

"No?"

"Ok, just hand it over I'll find a pot and boil it. I suppose you were going to dip my tea bag into the hot water too right?"

I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. I didn't speak enough girl for the conversation.

"What should I do..." I asked cautiously.

While Bella was preparing the omelets she schooled me on proper tea-making. Hot water always went over the tea, not the other way around. Loose tea was best apparently. Traditionally herbal teas were to be had plain. But depending on the kind of tea, lemon and or honey were acceptable. That was unless of course you were having chai which traditionally wasn't served with milk but was socially accepted thanks to Starbucks. Of course black teas, depending on the type were served with milk and sugar, or lemon, but not both. I was dizzy with information by the time we sat down to omelets, toast, coffee for me, and plain mystery Polish tea for her.

Before I could even dig into my food, I had to know.

"Bella why on earth do you know so much about tea."

There was an silent beat as she looked at me seriously. I was terrified I had said something nasty or crass and not even realized it, but thankfully she started speaking.

"My mother was a huge tea fanatic. She used to throw these ridiculous tea parties for me and my friends when I was a kid. There was always some new exotic kind of tea. Lapsang Souchong, Hibiscus Vanilla, Lady Grey... She was a vegan so the tea sandwiches and pastries were interesting - and I'm being kind about the interesting bit. She threw me an Eloise birthday party one year. She found Eloise-type outfits at a school uniform store and got one for every girl. We were all in pleated skirts, white shirts, and red headbands. She even found pictures of the Plaza Hotel and pasted them all around the room... God, I almost forgot about that."

She went somewhere as she was speaking and remembering. I knew she could see her mother, her friends in their little outfits, the pictures on the walls. She was staring at some point just past my head. Her smile was warm and sweet as she was talking, but as soon as she was finished, the smiled faded and she looked blank, despondent. I wasn't sure what to do but I was ready to kiss her, or hug her, or slap her if I had to. Luckily she sort of snapped out of it on her own.

"Foods getting cold," she finally said looking at my plate.

Not wanting to upset her, or dwell on what ever had just happened, I took a bite and hummed. God it was delicious.

"How can something as simple as eggs, onions, and butter taste so good?"

"You know what I've discovered is the key to good cooking?"

"Tell me," I said as I shoveled another bite full into my mouth.

"It's not butter... its more butter."

"Butter... I knew something tasted familiar. So, do have plans today?"

I asked as casually as I could. I desperately wanted her to say no, but she didn't.

"I'm having lunch with Rose and Alice at one. Why?"

"I was just... curious. Would you like the car?"

"No! This whole driver thing is spoiling me rotten. I was just getting that cool New Yorker thing down, too."

"Was that a no then?"

She sighed, "not exactly. There's something to be said for not being smooshed against some stinky guy trying to feel you up at rush hour on the F train."

I saw red. Just the thought of someone touching her, pushing themselves against her made me want to break something. It was instant. One second I was enjoying my buttery omelet, the next I was ready to rip the spine out of someone.

"Well that fucking settled it. You're never taking the goddamn train again. Someone dared push themselves against my girl and feel you up? Never the hell again!"

Christ some asshole's hand's touched her without permission? I was angry enough to flip the table, but then I looked at her. She was biting down on her bottom lip, something I remembered her doing the previous night while my head was between her legs. Was she blushing? She was! God it was amazing to see her all flushed again. I could feel my balls tighten at the mere sight.

"Your girl," she asked all surprised and innocent.

"Huh?"

It was all I could get out because between the blushing and the biting down on her lip all I saw was her naked in my bed, making her noises, wiggling about.

"You called me, your girl..."

"Ya, and?"

I said absent minded because suddenly I wanted my hands on her naked hips, pulling her onto my dick. It seemed my wish came true because only seconds later, she was straddling my lap at the breakfast table. Shit she still wasn't wearing any panties and I could feel her heat on my thighs. When I felt her hand grab at my ever hardening length, I kissed her fiercely.

She started rubbing me through me through my shorts. The texture of the mesh against my dick was almost painful, but I didn't fucking care. I also didn't care when I felt her lower the elastic and let my erection free. When I heard her making some sexy little fucking noise I think I grew another two inches. Johnson was proud as a fucking peacock and hard as granite as her fingers ghosted across the back of my length. My head fell back and all I wanted to do was enjoy her touching me.

I felt her shift on my lap. Her warm, fucking moist slit was on my right leg. And as her hand grabbed my cock, she began grinding herself into my thigh. The second my eyes met her she kissed me.

"Beautiful, please don't stop."

She didn't. Her hand fucked me like a champ. And when I couldn't deal with her tits being covered in front of me, I ruined another shirt. As she pumped me I sucked and licked her tits egged on by her wet pussy fucking my thigh. I was a lucky bastard that the accident hadn't ruined my junk - I'd never been more grateful than I was right then.

"Edward, I'm going to come."

"Fuck, Bella. Come on me beautiful," I mumbled into her tits.

Seconds later, her hand stilled and squeezed me. Her body shook and tensed on my lap, and I felt her slick release on my thigh. I leaned back to watch her. She squeezed my dick so fucking tight as she came. She was biting on her bottom lip as I let go and came in spurts on her stomach. It was so fucking hot.

Then I was embarrassed though. I came on her stomach like we were in some awful porno. I felt like throwing myself over the balcony, but then she kissed me so sweetly. I grabbed around her body for a napkin on the table and wiped her stomach dry.

"I think..."

"Bella I..."

We started at the same time.

"Ladies first."

"I think we both need a shower."

"Together?"

"There's enough room in your shower for a small army, yes together."

I saw a documentary on HBO about strippers once. At one point they were talking about the difference between topless and nude dancing. Every single one of them said that although all they only wore tiny eye patch-sized thongs, dancing nude was crazy uncomfortable at first. They never thought they'd miss the sliver of nylon, but they all did. In my head, I knew Bella had seen every inch of me naked in one way or another, but the thought of her seeing all of me, without any armor at all, made me sweat.

I let her lead me to the bedroom. I watched as she took off yet another one of my shirts that I had ruined. I watched her get into the shower and start messing with the various knobs and controls. When she realized I hadn't stripped or walked in with her, she looked at me through the glass.

"You ok?"

"Ya."

"The why aren't you joining me?"

She told me she liked my honesty once before, I'd have to hope she wasn't lying.

"I'm..." I couldn't think of the right words. They all sounded winy and just plain silly in my head.

"Please tell me."

"I'm not entirely comfortable with you seeing me completely nude."

"I've already seen everything though right?"

I explained about the strippers and the thongs. She didn't laugh or run away, so that was good.

"I think I understand, but how long before you'd be comfortable? A day? A week?"

"I don't know Bella, this is all new to me."

"It's like a band aid right? It always winds up hurting more if you take it off slowly."

"This isn't a band aid."

"Edward, I know I've been a little forward," she said stepping out from behind the glass. "Trust me when I say I've never been that girl that jumped into a guys bed after having just met him. But you made me feel so beautiful and comfortable. And you were so quick to take care of me when I needed someone the most. Please let me do the same for you?"

So I didn't stop her as she walked to me and pulled my shirt over my chest. When she couldn't reach I took over and tossed the shirt aside. I closed my eyes when I felt her pull at my shorts. I'm not sure why. She was the one who had to look at me. Her eyes should have been shut, but when I felt the fabric pool at my legs, and when I finally opened my eyes - I didn't see disgust on her face. I just saw Bella.

Thankfully she didn't say anything cheesy that I knew would be a lie like "your so beautiful Edward," or "all I see is you, not your scars," because shit like that was a right out lie. Instead she talked about my art.

"I was wondering what the rest of the tattoo on your inner leg was," she said.

It was the first tattoo I got. I was angry and violent and depressed. Alice found Garrett and when I met him everything was still raw inside. I told him I want fire running up the clean, smooth side of my fucked up leg. I didn't want it to look like a cartoon or the side of some hicks truck, either. I wanted something that looked like it would be hot if you touched it. Weeks later, there were the flames, climbing up my leg. At the top, near my groin, was the skull of a demon with horns. Flames danced in and out of his eye sockets. I didn't ask for all that, but when I saw it it seemed to capture everything perfectly.

"Is there anything on your back?"

I turned to show her. There was a monster ripping through my flesh on my right shoulder down to the shoulder blade. It was black and white. One menacing ever-staring eye could be seen through the hole that the clenched hand with razor sharp nails had torn out of my flesh. It was the most gruesome of my tatt's. I wasn't in a good place when Garrett did that one.

I turned around after a minute. I felt her touch my upper right arm. There was an angel there, a black angel. Her wings were drooping and curled in. Her head was tucked between her knees, her hands wrapped around her legs. It took up my entire upper arm, from elbow to shoulder. Just below the angel's feet were some words and initials.

_Never forgotten:_

_E.Y._

_M.N._

_E.C._

She didn't ask me questions, although I'm sure she had some, and for that I was grateful. It had been an amazing night and morning. Despite that, it was contact, talking, and disruption of my regular schedule that I had ever had. Having to answer questions about my demons would have been overwhelming-and I was sure I would have snapped and said things I didn't mean or would have regretted.

I don't remember walking into the shower with her. But I remember her hands on me - washing me. I remember tracing the lines of the tattoo on her back. It was so beautiful, but also barren and sad. I remember her kissing me. I remember holding her to me. I remember turning of the water, and drying her off. I remember her doing the same.

She was getting ready and put on the same outfit she wore the previous night. She looked amazing in it of course. There was something I wanted then. Something I never thought would be a possibility for me ever again. Never thinking I would ever feel comfortable enough with a woman again, or vise-versa, I had all but counted out any kind of meaningful sex. I wanted more of her though. I wanted to wake up next to her again. I wanted to be inside her - to really know what it felt like to connect with a woman, with Bella that way.

I was ashamed of what I had to ask of her. But there was no way around it. I needed to be sure that my past experiences had left me healthy and disease free. Not being a part of the human race for so long though, I didn't even know how to broach the subject. I knew I'd sound like a right out ass or pansy-assed little shit.

"Edward, you're thinking again," she said as we stood in the foyer together.

"I know. I just don't know how to ask this of you without sounding like a douche."

"Whatever it is, it can't be as bad as last night."

I cringed - the previous night seemed like a lifetime ago.

"I want to get tested," I said unsure, hoping she would fill in the blanks.

"Tested?"

"I mean, I've been careful - religiously so, but I couldn't live with myself if I ever..."

"Do you mean blood-work Edward?"

"Yes. I'd pay for it and everything, I even have a doctor if you don't. I just wanted to... god I feel like an ass."

"I have a doctor. I'll make an appointment tomorrow ok?"

"You don't think I'm an ass? It's not that I don't trust you or think you're diseased or anything... I'm just worried that I am. God did I just say that?"

She laughed a little, "Yes, you did. And no, you're not an ass, at least not because of that. It was... responsible of you."

"Ok. Better responsible than douchey right?"

She kissed me and walked out of the apartment. I promised to call her later that night, and she promised she'd let the driver take her home. I made a note for Alice to have my doctor stay late some night so I could go over for the tests and then I made a call I hadn't fathomed I ever would.

I went to my office and found the familiar card in my lower right hand drawer. The only one I kept locked. I dialed the number. One ring, two rings, three. Finally, I got the answering service message.

_The Mistress can't take your message._

_But whatever you desire awaits you._

"Mistress Zafrina, this is Phantom. I will no longer be needing your services, thank you."

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**A/N**

**So I had every intention of including her lunch with the girls but it ended itself so nicely there. Next week, lunch and then I'll be pushing the story forward a bit.**

**I'm on twitter if anyone wants to twit with me: (at)Zhivago3**

**Reviews are like fluffy, buttery, omelets.**


	12. Chapter 11, Trick or Treat

**I am so thrilled every time I get a review or a favorite author or story add. Really it makes my day! Thank you all, please keep it coming.**

**Mucho thanks to TheOtherBella. Really, she makes all of this readable. And a special thanks to Zeewriter for pre-reading this for me despite the fdact that she's pre-med an made DEAN'S LIST! Congrats bb.**

**I don't own, I just play.**

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**Chapter 11, Trick or Treat**

**BPOV**

"Oh Rose! I'm seriously smitten. I'm in deep smit right now."

I arrived at what was becoming a regular spot, Spice Market, before anyone else. I did the responsible thing and ordered us a round of lychee martinis. As if on cue, Rose arrived with the waiter carrying the drinks.

"Tell me everything," she squealed.

So I did. I told her about Edward, about his scars. I told her about him saving me, I told her about the ice cream and the _Sixteen Candles_ moment. I told her about our fight. I told her about being with him after... and the following morning. I told her about how protective he was of me and how he called me _his_ girl.

"And it's not like I can forget about the scars, they're a part of him, but they just don't matter, Rose."

"Has he told how he got them yet?"

"No. I won't push either. He'll tell me in his own time."

"So when do I get to meet him?"

"I don't know, when do I get to meet Emmett?"

"We should do a thing together."

I laughed.

"What does this thing entail?"

"Dinner or movie or theater or a picnic. You know all that couple stuff."

"Maybe. It's difficult for Edward though; he doesn't get out much."

"Right, of course. How's that going to work Bella?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well... basically your saying he's a recluse and anti-social. So does that mean he'll never take you out to dinner? What about travel or movies. Hell, even just walks through the park?"

"I... I really don't know."

I really didn't. I hadn't thought that far. I was moving forward on instinct and emotion alone. But she was right. What about movies? Or travel even? I'd never left the country but that didn't mean I never wanted to see Paris some day. Or Fiji or the Alps.

"I mean, I'm not exactly Miss Social Life. And up until recently I was basically a homebody." I was working out the puzzle out loud. "Maybe... maybe not everything is going to be a possibility between us."

"You ok with that?"

"I'm not sure Rose. All I know is, when I'm with him, whether we're yelling or kissing, I don't feel so..."

I paused, knowing exactly what I wanted to say but not wanting to admit it.

"Yes?" she urged.

"So alone."

"Oh shit! You're not gonna tell me he completes you are you?"

I threw a chopstick at her.

"Bitch," she laughed and threw the chopstick back at me.

"Slut," I answered back, laughing just as hard.

"Cheese-ball," she barely got while throwing a napkin at me without much success.

"You... you... blonde!"

She looked at me mouth agape, trying very hard to seem offended and not bust out into laughter again. It wasn't working. A second later we were both in hysterics, grabbing our stomachs and trying very hard not to make the massive spectacle I knew we were making. We were coming down from our laughter induced high and were finally upright in our chairs again when the alien showed up.

"Whats so funny," Alice asked innocently.

Those three little words had us falling off our chairs with fits of giggles again for no reason whatsoever. Alice started laughing simply because we were and it took ages before we were able to calm the hell down. The laughter was fun while it lasted, though.

We ordered food and another round of drinks before we started talking business. Alice had already found us work tables and chairs, and Jasper had "a guy" who "hooked us up" with some computers. Some men have weed guys on speed dial, Jasper had tech guys. Alice was a dynamo, not that we didn't already know that, but apparently Jasper already had some mock-ups for our logo and would show us the following weekend. Since we had to go there anyway, we decided it was a good time to move our supplies and tools from our apartments to the work space.

"And as soon as we have the logo settled we can order business cards!"

"Have you thought about your title," Rose asked.

"Sure! Fairy godmother of course!"

"No seriously Alice," I answered.

"Oh please. This is your and Rosie's business not mine."

"What!"

"Excuse me," Rose and I said at the same time.

Rose motioned for me to handle that one.

"Alice, this wouldn't be a business without you. So yes, you're damn well part of this and you better come up with a friggin' title or else Rosie and I are putting 'annoying little alien' on your business cards!"

"Wow," Alice said simply. It made me smile - Edward had said "wow" earlier that morning when he woke up next to me. Must have been a family thing.

"Well?" Rose asked.

Alice snapped out of whatever stupor she was in and with perfect fanfare and flair said "Alice Whitlock, Vice President, Swan & Hale."

"Well Miss. VP, it's a pleasure to meet you!" Rose said as she saluted.

We ate, talked about the business and the next steps. When the noodles were done we dove into the tamarind chicken and I asked Alice about her wedding.

"So Alice, when are you and Jasper getting married?"

"I don't know! I just can't seem to make any decisions. I don't know where, or when. I don't even know what colors I want or anything!"

"Huh. You seem like the kind of girl who would have a file folder filled with wedding stuff."

"Bella, I do! That's the problem! I have like six different weddings that I want. Plus, do we have it in Texas or New York?"

"Texas?"

"Jasper's from Texas. Most of his family is there and most of mine is here. But then when we sit down to write a list of family and people we want to invite, it turns into this massive thing. Like massive! I'm talking two or three hundred people massive. I mean I'm all for a kick-ass party but that's just crazy overwhelming."

"I'm overwhelmed already," I said honestly.

"See?"

"Does it have to be that big Alice?" Asked Rose.

"No, but then the guilt starts eating at us. I think if we could, we'd do it close by with just a couple of close friends."

"Then why don't you do that. Let the New York family throw you a party then let the Texas family throw you a party and you get married however the hell you want Alice."

"God Rose, think that would work?"

"Why not? It's your fucking wedding. Know how I want to get married?"

"Do tell," Alice said bouncing in her chair.

"I want to say my vows in a bikini at the edge of a waterfall then jump in after we say I do."

"So wonderful Rosie," Alice exclaimed.

I smiled at the exchange.

"So Alice," Rose started, "if you could have it your way, what would you do?"

She didn't even blink.

"I want to wear an emerald green satin dress with black satin gloves and a killer pair of shoes and get married over the Manhattan skyline. And I want to dance to Frank Sinatra and see Jasper in a black pinstripe suit with his hair slicked back. And I want pink champagne, even though its awful, and I want caviar and Oysters Rockefeller. I want white flowers everywhere and twinkling lights!"

"It sounds like an old Fred Astaire Musical," Rose mused.

"Doesn't it though?" Alice sighed.

"Well it seems to me that that's exactly what you should do Alice," I stated.

"Maybe I will. How does the end of April sound girls?"

"Do I have to wear a brides maid dress?" I asked.

"Ewww no. A little credit, Bella. But you will have to wear a dress... a nice one... and I get to pick it out!"

"It's a deal," I said definitively.

"So what about you Bella," asked Rose. "What's your dream wedding?"

"Well when I was going to marry Christian Slater I always thought we'd get hitched at a church then I would jump on the back of his motorcycle and we'd ride off into the sunset."

"Always had a thing for bad boys huh Bells," Rose grinned.

"I guess."

"But now that Christian is off the market," Alice asked, smirking.

"I don't know. It's not something I've ever really thought about. I guess after my parents got divorced the appeal of marriage sort of dissipated."

"I can see that. Maybe you just need the right guy..." Alice said waggling her eyebrows at me suggestively.

"Well, seems you've found yourself a new bad guy to obsess over Bells."

Alice froze and stared at Rose. I stared at Alice wondering what the reaction was all about.

"Alice," I asked, "you ok?"

"Umm. Ya. Hey Rose, what guy would that be?"

"Edward of course. Bella told me everything. I know things must be hard on him, but Alice I had no idea you meant your cousin when you were talking about your boss and how difficult things were. How do you deal?"

"Bella told you everything, everything? Like everything?"

"Alice," I chuckled, "what's wrong?"

"Bella, do you think that was such a good idea?"

"Alice, you Jake and Rosie are my best friends, my only friends. I'd have to tell my friends eventually," I explained.

"But," she looked nervous. "Do you really think it was your info to tell?"

"Alice, really what's wrong here?"

"I don't know I mean... Edward is crazy guarded and secretive. Do you think he's going to be ok with you just telling people everything?"

"He's going to have to be if he wants to be a part of my life. I mean what does he expect me to do? Lie about him?"

"I guess so. I just hope he sees it that way, too. I mean this is new to all of us, maybe we should have thought ahead and figured out what we were going to say?"

"Alice, really. I didn't take an ad out in The New York Times or anything. I told my best friend about the guy I'm dating. "

"But he's not just some guy Bella."

"Yes he is. He's just a guy. Just a normal guy I'm dating and this normal guy has me all fluttery and excited. I want to share all that with my girls. It's not a crime Alice."

She smiled.

"You're fluttery and excited?" she asked, her voice dripping with hope.

"Yes, Alice... completely."

We talked about Edward some more as we finished lunch. I was happy to brag and recount all the cute and not so cute things that had happened between us, but always in the back of my head was a nagging doubt. Was Alice right? Had I done something wrong by telling Rose everything? Should I have discussed things with him first?

The answer was a resounding yes.

Edward and I weren't able to see each other that week. I was busy carefully packing up all my jewelry supplies and he was busy with some new deal he was working on. Although I wasn't aware of the fact, Edward was actually hired by a whole slue of charities to help drum up private funding. Alice said he simply understood the arena of people who could drop a few mill and not sweat about it. He was smooth and knew how to make people say yes. I knew that first hand, of course.

Friday rolled around and Edward offered the use of his car and driver for the following day. It was welcomed especially since I had way more stuff than I had thought and traveling on the train with that much silver, gold, and semi-precious beads and stones would have made me hella nervous. All some asshole thief would have to do was look at my face and know I was hiding something.

Felix arrived at nine am on Saturday morning. We swung by the studio to drop my stuff off and then he left to get Rose and her things. Alice showed up with Rose and Felix and when it was time to unpack everything, we were all just slightly overwhelmed. We sat there, in our new chairs, in our new work space, staring at box after box, and bag after bag of stuff. Everything was piled on our new tables and we has no idea where to start. It was almost noon and we hadn't budged from our spots.

When the door opened and Jasper stepped through with two pizza boxes in his hands we were desperate for the distraction. Pizza consumed, we started the task of carefully unpacking and setting up the our space, making an ever growing list of things we needed. When it was break time Jasper showed us the logos he'd come up with. We decided on a simple, modern monogram. A square within a square, S&H in the middle with the full names: Swan and Hale below. It was a proud moment for us and there may have been a few tears.

By the time we were finished, I was beat. I called Edward to tell him about the day. The second he heard how tired I was he had the driver bring me to his place. I didn't really have the energy to argue, plus his bed was so damn comfortable...

When I showed up he pulled me into a hug and kissed my head.

"Tired?"

"Mhmm."

"How's a bath sound?"

"Amazing. Plus I haven't had the pleasure of a bath in... two years?"

"Then you strip, I'll draw."

"Yes sir," I said giving him a weak salute.

We walked to the bedroom where I stopped at the bed to start undressing. He went to the bathroom to start my bath.

"Oh, by the way," he said from the bathroom, "I kind of um..."

"Umm..." I called back.

"Just look in the closet ok?"

I walked to the closet and opened it. There, hanging just in front of his dress shirts was a long silk ivory robe with a matching dressing gown. The set was hand painted with orange Japanese maple leaves and a peacock resting beneath the branches. It was beautiful and I was touched. Don't get me wrong, it was damn presumptuous of him, too, but it was also a sweet gesture.

"Do you like it?" He asked behind me, no longer in the bathroom.

"It's lovely, Edward."

"I just wanted you to have something comfortable to wear for times when you needed to crash here or just... I don't know."

I chuckled, "crash? You make me sound like a drunk college kid."

"Shit! I didn't mean it! Hell, I'm still no good at this."

"At what," I asked turning to face him.

"Talking to you."

"Don't be silly. You're charming when you're not yelling."

"I am?"

"Yes and sweet and unassuming too."

"You'll make me blush."

"Oooo, really? I'd like to see that!"

"Come here."

He pulled me toward him and kissed my lips with a feather-light peck.

"I'll put on the robe right after my bath, promise. Are you joining me?"

"No. Think I could keep my hands off of you in a bath?"

"No more than I could my hands off of you."

"It's very tempting beautiful, but you go soak and I'll make you a protein shake."

"Eww, seriously?"

"Ya, it's just what you need. Come on trust me."

"Oh god," I said shaking my head and making my way to the bathroom. "Drinking a protein shake in a silk robe. Something seems so wrong about that."

I stripped down in the bathroom peeling the day off of me one article of clothing at a time. The tub was huge and so inviting. I dipped a toe in then slowly lowered myself in. Nothing like a tub of hot water to make everything right again.

When I was pruny and the water had cooled, I stepped out and dried myself off. I hung up the towel and walked to the closet. After I slipped on the gown and robe, which felt amazing on, I walked to the kitchen where something smelled delicious and garlicky. What the hell was he putting in those shakes? When I got to the kitchen, Edward was sitting at the table, a collection of Chinese take out containers in front of him.

"Protein shakes huh?"

"Ya, thought you'd get a kick out of that. I didn't know what you liked so I got... everything."

"I can see that."

"You look beautiful in that by the way."

Every time he called me beautiful I had to fight the urge to giggle like a school girl.

"Thank you," I said dropping my head hoping I wasn't blushing.

"You going to join me?"

I sat down and started opening boxes. There was enough food for three more people.

"Ooo dumplings," I exclaimed happily. A moment later, "ooo snow peas."

"I've never met anyone who was excited by snow peas."

"You have now."

"Yes, I have," he said with sincerity.

I looked up at him and his face was serene, happy. It made me smile in return - I just couldn't help it. We ate and talked about the packing and un-packing and setting up the new office. We put away the extra food and went to the bedroom to get into bed. It all felt so right. It was domestic and easy, and so comfortable. How could we possibly have been that comfortable already?

I hung up my robe in the closet and once in bed, rested my head on his shoulder. His arms draped over me and before I knew it, I was asleep. It had been such a simple and nice night. It was too bad that the morning brought so much turmoil.

We woke up at about the same time, yawning and stretching. He asked me if I had brunch with the girls that morning or not. I told him that we agreed to meet at the studio with muffins and juice and finish setting up. He asked me what we talked about when we got together.

I casually said, "well last week, you."

"What about me, Bella," he said seriously.

"I told Rose about you, and about us."

"What did you say," he said, sounding concerned and serious.

"You want it word-for-word," and I laughed.

"Yes." He said, not a hint of sarcasm.

"Well I'm sorry Edward, I don't have that kind of recall," I joked trying to lighten the mood.

He got out of bed, went the bathroom, and slammed the door. I sat there stunned for a second before I heard something crash in the bathroom. I jumped up and ran to the door trying to open it. It was locked.

"Edward! Edward! You ok?"

Silence.

"Leave me alone for a minute."

"What? What the hell is going on?"

I could hear him stomping to the door. A second later a fiercely angry Edward was in front of me.

"You think this is funny? You think this is some kind of game," he ground his words out through clenched teeth.

I was intimidated. He looked furious and honestly, a little dangerous. I stepped back from him and noticed white broken glass and tooth brushes on the bathroom floor. I wanted to say something, but what? He'd obviously just thrown the glass on the floor and he was staring at me with maniacal eyes, huffing. I took a few more steps backward, then turned and ran out the door.

I ran to the living room, threw open the french doors and stepped out onto the balcony. I finally felt like I could breathe and took in a huge breath. What the hell had just happened? He was scary. It seemed so irrational, what the hell had I done? Said? For the first time since I had met him, he actually looked like the beast he compared himself to.

I stood there taking in air trying not to cry, scream, or run. When my heart calmed and I could think, I remembered what Alice had said the previous weekend. She was nervous about my telling Rose everything. I thought she was over reacting. She wasn't. He was angry or hurt or both. I wasn't thinking ahead when I spoke to Rose. I just wanted to tell my friend about the man I was seeing... innocent right?

Then I remembered Alice saying that Edward wasn't just any other guy. I disagreed with her at the time, but she was right. He was different. I should have talked to him first, we should have worked it out. But I was in a haze of happiness. I wanted to brag and giggle about him. I fucked up. I knew it, I really had.

I could admit that I had messed up. But absolutely none of that gave him the right to react that way. He looked crazed, insane. Would he have hurt me? No, I knew he couldn't do that. He'd known too much physical pain to inflict it on someone else I rationalized. But there was physical pain and psychological pain. Bruises healed, fear didn't. Could I really look at him and not see the thing he had become in a matter of seconds? Would he blow up and break things anytime I made a mistake?

Would I forget the way he snarled or his terrifying eyes?

"Don't leave me."

I turned around slowly and what I saw broke my heart. He was shirtless, in nothing but boxers. His head was hanging so low all I could see was the top of his head. He had a towel wrapped around his right hand. It hung limply at his side.

"Just don't leave me, Bella, please."

He looked up at me. His eyes were red and puffy. Had he been crying? As I stood there staring at him, I looked at his wrapped hand. A small red dot was growing steadily across the terry cloth.

"What did you do!"

My feet just moved automatically. He was bleeding. I grabbed his forearm and brought his hand closer to my face then dropped it just as suddenly. It was like dealing with a caged tiger. Was it ok that I touched him? Was it ok to be so close. I backed up a few steps just in case.

I slowly lifted my head to see him starting at me. He looked crushed, wounded.

"I did that didn't I," he asked. And the broken, lonely, complicated man before me cried.

"You're scared of me." He turned around, his head hung low again. He took his time before he spoke. The silence was deafening. "I really _don't _deserve you. I'll be in my office. I won't come near you again." He stood up straight as if trying convince me of his confidence. "I'll call for the car. Just let Felix know where to take you. Bye Bella," he said coldly.

He walked away. I was left there confused and hurt.

He was awful when he stepped out of that bathroom. Angry and terrifying. But for some reason it didn't anger me nearly as much as his walking away did. I wanted answers and explanations. I didn't want to be made to feel guilty and I sure as hell didn't want to be excused or shown the door for the second time since we started whatever the hell we had started.

I stood there letting the anger fester inside. Going to him and yelling out of anger wouldn't help either of us though. Instead I walked to the bedroom and got dressed, making sure to hang up my gown. He may have been ready to give up, but I sure as hell wasn't. I walked into the bathroom to splash some water on my face when I saw the blood. It was on the floor, in the sink, and on the marble counter. When I looked up, the mirror was nothing but shards.

Next to the sink was a large pair of tweezers and a bottle of rubbing alcohol. There were three bloodied shards of glass resting near the tweezers. Good god, he'd punched the mirror... with his bare fist. My anger wasn't important anymore.

What the hell had he done and why? Was it really so awful that I spoke to Rosalie, my friend, one single solitary person? Did my mistake warrant such an abusive reaction?

I was never that kid who took in baby birds or stray cats. I never stood up for the picked on kid at school. I never brought over a crock of soup for a friend when they were sick. But something, something I couldn't explain, ached inside when I saw those bloody shards. All I wanted to do was hold him, rock him, tell him that everything was going to be ok even if I wasn't sure it would be. I wanted to heal him - to make it all better. But I didn't know how and I wasn't sure if I could. I wasn't even sure of I was strong enough to help him.

My feet made their way through the apartment until they found themselves at his office door. I wasn't sure if I should have knocked or not, but I didn't. His head was on the desk, his arms extended before him. He looked up immediately when I barged in. Before I opened my mouth though, I had to remind myself to attempt to stay calm.

"You're not allowed to dismiss me ever again."

He lifted his head. "I..."

"No, it's my time to talk. I don't understand what happened Edward, and I fully expect you to explain everything to me, but right now I need to speak."

He straightened up and nodded silently.

"Yes, you scared me. I won't deny that. I know you wouldn't hurt me, not physically anyway, but what hurt more than you yelling or the shocking aggression you demonstrated is you're complete lack of faith in me. I've run from pain and hurt in the past but I'm tired of it and refuse to do it any longer. I need to apologize because I know I made a mistake. We should have discussed what I was going to say my friends about you. Alice was right, you're not like every other man and as much as I may want that to be a lie, it's not. You're different. That's not bad, that's not good, it just is. So we're going to have to move forward together differently as well. That being said, my mistake, because that's all it was Edward, does not give you the right to act like lunatic and it never will. I'm not walking away from this yet and I don't want you to either. In fact, you're not allowed to throw this away until I say you can. Are we clear?"

Silence.

"You can speak."

"Yes, we're clear."

"Good. Now show me your hand."

"It's fine."

"Bullshit. Let me see it."

He slowly unwrapped the towel grimacing as he went. When it was exposed to me, all I could think was what an awful ugly mess it was. The wounds were still bleeding, but old blood had already dried on his hand making it a sticky awful sight.

"Lets go to the kitchen, I know I saw a fist aid kit somewhere."

"Lydia keeps one in the pantry."

When we arrived in the kitchen, I went to the pantry and he stood by the sink, waiting. He already had his hand under the running water when I got back to him. I pulled out some cotton gauze and tape and grabbed some paper towel. I held his hand and dried it as best as I could. That's when I noticed the old scars on his knuckles - lots of them. Lot's of little scars all over his hands. They looked exactly like the scars I was sure he was going to have when his most recent wounds healed.

"Edward, you've done this before haven't you," I asked sadly.

"Once," he answered cryptically.

Things were strained after that. It was almost as if we were mutually earning each others trust again. We still had dinners, we still slept with each other, but the physical affection never got passed kissing. By the middle of of October we had both received clean bills of health and could have jumped in the sack and fucked for days, condoms be damned, but we didn't. It just didn't seem that we were ready for that yet.

Halloween was around the corner and Alice had gotten all of us tickets to some costume party. I was actually excited. It was just what Edward and I needed! It was perfect really, he could go out in public, with me, in costume and no one would stare. No one would say a thing, hell no one would even know what he looked like behind a mask. But he refused. It pissed me the hell off.

He wouldn't meet Rose and Emmet, even in costume, covered from head to toe. He wouldn't even be my date on Halloween dressed in any costume he wanted. He just didn't want to go out with me. He didn't want to leave his damn fortress. I was getting more and more frustrated. How the fuck were we going to work? Once, again, I doubted if I was strong enough. I was slowly getting to the conclusion that I wasn't.

**EPOV**

Halloween was stupid... I mean really fucking stupid. So the only day of the year she begged me to leave the house was only day of the year it was ok for me to wear a mask? Fuck that. Hell no. I knew she wanted me to meet Rose and Emmet, but she never pushed for us to go to a restaurant or even to have them over to my place. No, she pushed on Halloween when I could cover myself up.

Things had been tough since the day I broke the mirror. I was always on edge, always afraid that I was going to say or do something to finally tip her toward leaving me. I knew the day was coming. I just fucking knew it. How was it ever going to work? She was beautiful and wanted things from her life that I didn't think I could give her.

I may have been subconsciously acting more like a dick than ultimately necessary. Ok maybe it wasn't so subconsciously. I knew I was holding her back. She couldn't actually want to babysit a monster no matter what she said. That she was patient enough to stay with me as long as she had was a miracle. Everyday she stayed with me and everyday she walked through my front door made it harder and harder to give her up. I was so used to her smell, her skin, and laughter. I didn't want to let her go - but it was the right thing to do.

So when Halloween night came and I didn't join her, I was sure that would be it. She wasn't a saint. There was no way she would stay with me much longer after that. I was going to drown myself in a bottle of scotch and think back on how lucky I had been for the short amount time she graced me with her presence. That was the plan anyway.

When my cell started ringing at 9:45pm I couldn't imagine who it was. I looked at the caller id and when I saw it was Alice I groaned. I didn't want to hear her voice. I wanted to hear ice cubes, in a glass. So I ignored the call and poured myself the first scotch of the evening. When it rang again just as I was about to take my first sip though, I got pissed and answer the phone.

"Alice, what the fuck do you want?"

"It's Emmett."

"Emmett? Rose's boyfriend Emmett?"

"Ya. Alice gave me her cell so I could call you."

"Umm. Ok. Is everything alright? Is Alice hurt or something?"

"No. She's fine. Listen I know we haven't met or even spoken yet, but from one guy to another you might want to get down here."

"Why..." I asked cautiously, "is something wrong with Bella?"

"She's wearing a tiny little pink dress, hot pink fuck me heels, the girls did her hair and make-up, and she's no Rosie, but man, she's looking fine."

I could actually feel my blood start to boil.

"Tell me you haven't let her out of your sight."

"Jazz and I have been keeping an eye on her because she looks like her kitten died. She's all pouty and shit, and every single guy in the joint is eating that shit up man. But she doesn't need us, she needs you. I don't know why you're not here, but get the fuck over it and make an appearance."

He hung up and I roared; actually roared like a fucking lion or something. I was, hands down, the stupidest motherfucker on the planet. Of course she was going to look hot. It was Halloween and I remembered she telling me the girls were going as their favorite 80's cartoons. That meant Alice was a slutty Rainbow Brite, Rose was a slutty She-Ra, and Bella was... fuuuuuuuck. She was Jem - slutty Jem. Short, pink dress, fuck me heels, tits out, lips bright pink and shiny. Her hair was probably all tousled and just fucking perfect. And where the fuck was I? Letting my girl get ogled by drunk men.

I didn't know the man yet, but I owed Emmett big time.

I ran to the bedroom and put on the only costume I had. I never thought I'd ever have a reason to don the white Phantom of the Opera mask or put on the black leather pants, black turtle neck, and black gloves again, but there I was, suiting up. I called for the car and made my way as fast as I could to the party.

My ears were ringing, by blood was boiling, and my heart was pounding like a fucking cannon. We couldn't get there fast enough. When Felix stopped the car I ran out, threw my ticket at the bouncer and looked for Bella. I couldn't find her, but I did find some really big guy dressed as... He-Man? It had to be Emmet because there was some leggy blonde dressed as She-Ra laughing with him.

I tapped him on the shoulder.

"Emmett?"

"Ya," he said turning around.

"Edward?" he asked.

"Where is she?"

He turned toward the back wall and started looking.

"See the douche bag dressed as Robin Hood?"

"The dude in the tights?"

"Ya man. Follow him, he was getting Bella a drink a second ago."

"Thanks Emmett. For everything, man."

"Thank me later. Go get the girl."

I followed the douche in the tights to a back room that was less crowded. The music wasn't as thumping and I could see slutty Rainbow Brite, aka Alice, with Jasper who was dressed as some kind of cowboy, by the door. I was walking passed them when I heard Alice call my name.

"Edward," she asked unsure.

I stopped and turned.

"Yes. I have to thank you guys, I was an idiot."

"What else is new," they said in tandem then burst into laughter.

By then, Robin Hood, douche-in-tights, had reached the back wall and was handing this fuck-hot chick in a tiny little hot pink dress with the most stellar rack on the planet, a drink. Her colorful hair was all sexy and layered, her lips were glossy and begging to kissed, and her legs, dear fucking lord I wanted those legs wrapped around me. Thinking about what Bella would look like and seeing her were two totally different things. In my head she looked amazing, in person, she looked like the personification of an orgasm... my orgasm.

She looked up at Robin Hood and said something. I'm sure it was thank you, but my head was a fucked placed right then and I was making up all kinds of scripts that included words like: asshole, boyfriend, alone, lonely, company, and my place. The closer I got, the more determined I was. I wanted her and I wanted her badly. I wanted to rip that fucking dress from her body, bury my cock into her wet, warm, pussy, and fuck the shit out of it as her heels dug into my ass cheeks.

Before I knew it, I was right in front of my girl and the douche-in-tights.

"You know, this is the part when Jake kisses Sam."

Her head snapped up to mine.

"What? What did you say," she asked.

"Sixteen Candles. It's one of my girlfriend's favorite movies."

She stared at me, looking right into my eyes.

"Edward?"

I put my hand out to her and thankfully, she took it.

"James, I'm sorry. This is my... boyfriend Edward." Her eyes were watery.

"Good ones are always taken huh?" said... James. He would always be the douche-in-tights to me, though.

"This one is," I said not looking at him at all.

I pulled her up to me and her hands wrapped around my neck. Her heels were so high she didn't even need to be on her toes.

"Forgive me for the millionth time?"

"You came."

"Ya, I came. Not a minute too soon either. You look way to fucking dangerous to be in public, beautiful."

My hand slipped to her ass as I kissed her. Nothing sweet or cute either. I stuck my fucking tongue in her mouth before I claimed her lips. She moaned and pressed her tits into me. A second later I could feel her leg rubbing up the side of mine. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see douche-in-tights walk away.

"Do you have any fucking idea how hot you look tonight?"

"Yes, it was all for you, too."

"I'm so fucking sorry, beautiful."

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

"That was the sexiest fucking thing I've ever experienced. Take me home. Now."

She didn't have to ask me twice. I led her through the club to the car. Once inside, we were all over each other. She was straddling me with her tits in my face and her mouth on mine. She was rubbing against my thigh getting more and more worked up. Her arms were pressed against my chest. My hands found the spot where her ass met my leg and I urged her on, pushing against her ass, willing her to make a mess all over my leather pants.

I was a fucking idiot but I was going to make up for it, two, three, maybe four times.

* * *

**A/N**

***runs and hides***

**Please don't hate me for the major cock-blockage. I promise I'll be making it up for it… at least twice next chappie, maybe more. **

**Looking forward to the rev's! **


	13. Chapter 12, Lust for Life

**I need to thank HollettLA for being incredibly patient and gracious with her time. She's helped me tremendously and thankfully, will continue to do so *jumps for joy*. Big, sloppy kiss to TheOtherBella for her lending her encouragement and skills to this and every chapter, thanks bb.**

**Lemony goodness time... but since this is B&B, I had to throw in some tough words, too. **

**I don't own, I just play.**

* * *

**Chapter 12, Lust for Life**

**EPOV**

I couldn't get through the door fast enough.

I didn't think it was possible to be any harder, hornier, or desperate for her skin. The second we were through the apartment door, it was chaos. She threw off my mask. I pulled off my gloves. She undid her belt, I pulled off my shirt. She unbuckled my belt, I pulled on her dress. Neither of us were getting naked fast enough, though.

I growled in frustration, pushed her against the door and reached under her dress. My hands were met with delicate lace. I bet she looked amazing in that lace, but I was too desperate to stop and look. Instead, I grabbed and pulled. She sucked in a breath and cursed. Something about her cursing, something about her heat, something about my hand near her slit, triggered some wild instinct in me.

I ripped her panties and they slid down her leg, to the floor. The second I realized there was nothing stopping me, I thrust my fingers into her. Fuck, she was so goddamn wet. When her leg started rubbing up against my thigh, I pressed my still clothed erection into her. I knew she could feel me through the leather, because she moaned my name.

It wasn't how I wanted our first time to be. I didn't want to fuck her up against a door. I didn't want my pants and boxers around my knees. None of that fucking mattered while her leg was hitched over my hip, though. Certainly, none of it mattered as I slammed into her for the first time. Shit, the feeling of her around me... wet and hot - it was perfect. She was just as needy as I was, too. She moaned, she squealed, she fucking begged me to fuck her harder.

I wouldn't deny her anything ever again, so I fucked her harder.

The rational side of me knew I must have been hurting her, but the primal side, that beast that lingered deep within, wanted nothing more than to crash into her body, over and over again. When I felt the heel of her shoe dig into my ass cheek, it urged me on even more. She wanted me fucking her like some animal just as much as I wanted her. The sweat, the sounds, the uncontrollable wild thrusts that kept her upright against the door… we wanted, we needed it all.

"Come for me," she said.

"You first."

When I felt her fucking hand reach down and graze my dick with her fingers as I was slamming into her... I was a goner. She didn't have to ask again. Suddenly there were stars and everything went fuzzy. I came inside my beautiful girl, for the first time, and it was fucking epic. I'd never come so hard in my life. It left me breathless and weak. When I could see again, when the world came back into focus, Bella was staring at me.

"Don't move yet, please" she asked.

"Don't think I can yet, beautiful."

We stood there, against the door, me still inside her, for minutes or hours. When my legs began to cramp, I moved slowly. When I felt cool air on my dick, I regretted moving immediately. I wanted to be buried inside her again. I also realized that I had selfishly gotten off while she hadn't. Well that wasn't OK at all. I maneuvered out of my shoes, pants, and boxers. My legs were shaky, my arms were tired, my lungs still hadn't taken in enough of air, but, I reached down and gathered her into my arms. She threw her head back and laughed.

"What's so funny, beautiful?" I asked, as I walked her to the bedroom.

"Nothing. I just don't have any other reaction to give right now."

I walked her through the bedroom and into the bathroom. I lowered her to her feet in front of the bathtub. While she took off her shoes, dress, and bra, I started the water.

"Are joining me this time?"

"Yes."

When the tub was half full, I slipped in, and motioned for her to join me. She stepped in between my legs and lowered herself until she was leaning against me. Over her shoulder, I could see down to her stellar tits bobbing in the water. I reached around to hold them.

"You know, that's not how I pictured our first time."

"What did you imagine?"

"I was thinking of taking my time. Studying you - licking every curve. I wanted to make you come at least twice before I entered you."

"Mmm, tell me more."

I let my left hand travel down, past the water line, over her stomach, not stopping until I felt her curls below. She shifted higher up onto my body, giving me the access I wanted.

"I wanted to slip my fingers in you, slowly... like this." I let my pointer and middle finger dip inside. I was rewarded with a soft sigh.

"More, Edward."

"Anything for you, beautiful."

I let my fingers explore inside before I pulled them out and teased her clit. Gentle little strokes elicited tiny little moans and whimpers from her. I could feel her breaths against my chest, they got quicker and quicker the more I played.

When I whispered, "I want to make you come now," into her ear, she bucked her hips, creating tiny waves in the water around us.

"God, yes," she answered.

I felt her hand join mine. While she slipped her own fingers inside, I kept mine at her bundle, rubbing, rubbing, rubbing. She started wiggling, her ample, soft ass rubbing right up against my dick. As much as I willed it to behave, I couldn't help it from getting increasingly harder with every move she made. Still, I kept at it, touching and rubbing her. She stopped moving, her body started shaking, and her hands reached behind to grab onto my neck. That's when I knew she was coming for me.

Her thighs shut around my hand as she rode out her orgasm. My right hand, still on her breast, squeezed slightly as she came. There was nothing more erotic, ever. When her thighs opened and her body relaxed again, I started rubbing her again.

"No, please, too intense," she whined.

"Shhh, let me."

"Oh God!" She cried, as her body arched up.

"That's right, beautiful."

"Shit, shit, shit," she chanted.

I wouldn't let up, though. She was a tortured, twisting, mess around me. She even wiggled away from my hand once, but I found her clit again quickly and kept at my ministrations.

"Oh fuck, Edward!" she cried out.

Her whole body convulsed against me. My dick was rock-hard and desperate for her, but it was her turn for stars, not mine. She stilled, took in one large gulp of air, and relaxed against my body again.

"Amazing, so fucking amazing."

"I don't know why, but hearing you curse gets me all kinds of hot, beautiful."

"I can feel that," she said, as she pressed her ass into my poor, straining dick.

"Fuck, beautiful, careful."

"Let the water out, Edward."

"What?"

"Let. The. Water. Out."

I pulled the stopper and the water slowly started draining away. Bella wriggled and shifted until she was facing me, and sat on her knees. Gently, she grabbed my dick with her right hand and slowly, she started pumping. I watched as her hand moved up and down my length. The water level kept lowering until there were mere inches left. I felt air on my thighs and Bella stopped. I looked up at her with surprise, maybe just a little upset, too.

I had nothing to worry about.

Bella leaned over me on all fours. I watched as her head got closer and closer to my dick. There was a lick, right over the demon's head, at the top of my inner thigh tattoo. I hissed loudly and was shaking with anticipation over what she was about to do for me. When I felt her lips on my tip, I thought I'd blow my load right then. Instead, I willed myself to hold on, just a little longer.

Her lips passed further and further down my shaft. Every centimeter was a lesson in control. Bella sucking me, grazing my length with her teeth with every pass, her tongue swirling over my head before she started all over again, was agony of the best kind. I wasn't going to last long, a few more passes was all it was going to take. I felt the tip of my dick brush against something velvety, but firm... the back of her throat.

"Bella," I ground out, "sit up, I have to come."

She didn't.

I tried gently pulling at her hair, but she wouldn't budge. Her tongue swirled around my length and when she quickly bobbed up, then just as quickly lowered her head back down, my head brushed against the back of her throat again and I was done. My body took over as I came into her mouth, down her waiting throat. She didn't move until I was done. Her lips stayed clamped around my dick until my final spurt.

When she lifted her head and smiled at me, all I wanted to do was grab and ravish her, but my body wasn't ready for that... yet.

She stepped out of the tub, obviously proud of herself and started toweling off. I watched as she passed the towel over her arms, stomach, and tits. I watched as she bent over, exposing her kitty to me, and dragged the towel slowly up the back of her legs. I'm pretty sure I moaned, because she laughed. She left the towel on the floor when she was done and sashayed out of the bathroom leaving me woefully horny yet again.

I got up a few seconds later and toweled off. I hung up both of our towels and walked to the bedroom where Bella was nowhere to be found. I walked to the kitchen, she wasn't there, either.

"Bella," I yelled, a little confused as to where she was.

"In the hall," I heard her yell back.

I walked to the hall even more confused than before. When I got there though, my heart sank. She was there, in the hall, naked and lovely, but holding the phantom mask in her hand.

"So," she said, a smile on her face, "if you hadn't planned on coming to the costume party, why did you already have a costume, huh?" She winked at me.

"I... I can explain."

"Oh, I think I've figured it out already, hot stuff. She made her way to me.

On her toes, Bella wrapped her arms around my neck, and let the mask rest against my back.

"You were always planning on coming to the party, weren't you?" She whispered seductively in my ear.

I had a choice: be honest, or live the lie for a while longer. There was no way she would want to stay with me when she heard the truth. It was so fucking tempting to lie, to let her believe that I was better than I was. We had just indulged in each other's bodies and I wanted so much more of that. The truth was sure to ruin everything. But, I couldn't lie to her. I told myself I wouldn't deny her anything any more and I meant it.

"No, I had no intention of going to that party until Emmett called me."

"Emmett called you?"

"He told me you were looking amazing, hot actually. He said you were looking all pouty and sexy and that some douche-bag was taking advantage of it. The second he hung up, I knew I had been an idiot and I just had to get you. I couldn't bear the thought of some other guy touching you, or even looking at you in that costume."

"So you came to claim me like some caveman?" She asked, releasing herself from my neck.

"Yes. You're my girl and I should have been there with you. I should have been getting you drinks, not the douche-in-tights."

And... She laughed.

"Did you just call James a douche-in-tights?" She made out between breaths.

"Yes?"

I was so fucking confused.

"Oh, that's priceless!" She kept on laughing.

"So, you're not mad?"

"Oh, I was," she started, and calmed down some, "and sad, and annoyed," she calmed down some more, "but, the second you showed up and called me your girlfriend, I was too happy to care anymore."

"Well, damn."

"Plus, you made it up to me a couple of times over tonight."

"God, how did I get so lucky?"

"I've told you before; you're charming when you're not yelling."

"Let's go to bed, beautiful," I said, and put out my hand for her.

"You still haven't told me about the mask," she reminded me, waving the dreaded thing in my face.

"Right... the mask. You thirsty?"

"Yes, but you're stalling."

"Water first, OK?"

"OK," she said, following me to the kitchen.

Glasses of water in hand, we made our way back to the bedroom. I made sure she left the phantom mask behind on the counter, though. I slipped on a pair of boxers, she put on her dressing gown, and we got in bed. I'm not sure what my thinking was. I suppose I thought if she were comfortable enough, she wouldn't leave me immediately? Maybe I could convince her to sleep on it?

"OK, now talk."

"I've had needs over the years, Bella. You know what I mean by needs, right?"

"Yes, Edward. Sex."

"Right, sex. Well you know it was a miracle that I could even have sex, I mean, that nothing was damaged in... the accident."

"The accident that you'll be telling me about one day, right?"

"Right, one day." _I_f you ever want to see me again that is, I added in my head. "So I enlisted the services of... fuck, this is harder than I thought it would be."

"Hey, if you can't say it yet, then don't, OK?"

"I don't deserve you, you know that, right?"

"Let me decide what I do and don't deserve."

I took a deep breath.

"I enlisted the services of a Madame. She provided me with a woman once a month."

"Prostitutes, you mean?" She asked, her brow creasing.

"Maybe some of them. I suspect that most were just willing subs."

"Subs? Edward, are you a Dom?" Her face had gone from surprise to shock.

"Not by choice, Bella." She was silent. I couldn't tell if she was upset or not and it made me insanely nervous. "You know what I look like. You remember your reaction to me the first time you saw me. How was I ever supposed to fulfill my sexual needs? I needed to be discreet and I needed a way to be covered at all times. I also needed a way to be sure that the woman I was with couldn't see me in return."

"Blindfolds you mean?"

"And other things as well."

"Other things? Other things like what?" She looked curious then.

"Bella, please."

"Edward, I want to know."

And because I promised I would deny her nothing, I told her. "I restrained them with fabric or leather cuffs so that they couldn't grab my mask off. I would cuff them to the bed frame in one of the guest rooms, or simply behind their backs. If they brushed against me, or even if I let them touch me at all, they would feel the leather of my pants and gloves. It completed the Dom image for the girls and even helped me play my part. I never touched them with my bare skin though, I was too afraid of them feeling the scars. I... shit."

I couldn't look at her, I was too ashamed.

"You..." She urged.

"I fucked them without touching them. I wore condoms, but not just for safety. I fucked them from behind so that they were never tempted to see me and I was never tempted to see them in return. Watching them, seeing their faces as they enjoyed themselves, was just too painful. It was something I learned early on."

Silence. It made me incredibly anxious. I had to say something that made it all better. What the fuck could have made my confession better, though?

"You were the first woman I touched in ten years. I was so nervous the first time I felt you, the first time I made you come. I felt like a virgin. I guess in some ways, I was. I can only assume you're disgusted with me right now. I can't say that I blame you."

"I'm not disgusted. A little... caught off guard maybe, but not disgusted."

"Really?" I lifted my head to meet her eyes. I didn't see anger or shock or disgust. I saw a beautiful woman trying to come to grips with a shitty truth. I wondered how many women would have stayed with a guy after that kind of admission. I was willing to bet the number was infinitesimal.

"Is that why you were so adamant about us getting tested?"

"Yes. I've been so many women that…" She cut me off.

"You know what?" she snapped, peeved, "don't ever mention that again, OK?"

"What part?"

"The 'so many women' part. It's not something I ever want to hear again."

"Right, sorry." Way to go idiot. "So, now what?"

"Give me a second here."

"Take as long as you need." _Anything, just don't leave my sorry ass._

Several agonizing minutes later, she spoke.

"Did you enjoy it?"

"I enjoyed knowing that I had done something pleasurable for them and I enjoyed getting off, I won't deny that." Bella's brown eyes were begging for a "but." "But, in the end, it always left me feeling empty. It was never fulfilling. It never meant a damn thing. I felt wrong for lying to them and myself every single time. Does any of that make sense?"

_Please, please, please understand._

"Yes and no."

It was a better answer than I could ask for.

"What are you thinking? Please tell me."

"You better be really honest with your next answer." Her face hardened, her breathing picked up, she looked like she was ready to cry or hit me, or both. The yelling, the blame, and the anger was coming, I just knew it. "Have you called up this Madame to cancel her services?"

That's what she wanted to know? She didn't want to call me revolting or some sexist pig? She just wanted to know if I had called Madame Zafrina?

"Well?" she asked, her voice breaking, eyes watering.

"Of course! Of course I did, Bella!"

"When?" she asked, ready to cry or hit me.

"After the very first night you stayed with me. The second you left, I called and left a message. I haven't heard from her or any of the girls... shit, I mean, I haven't heard from her since then."

"Oh hell, thank God!" She said releasing her breath in one big huff. A few tears rolled down her cheek, I wiped them away with my thumb.

"You are the only woman I want, beautiful." I wiped a few more tears before I opened my arms. "Come here."

She moved over to me and rested her head against my chest; I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her tight. She was extraordinary. I didn't know much about women, but I was pretty sure most women would have been less worried about a simple phone call, and more worried about the sexual past I had laid out before her.

Just to be sure she understood I added, "You're the only woman I'll ever want."

"Do you mean it?"

"Completely."

"Thank you for saying that."

"Don't thank me, beautiful. It's the truth and I should be thanking you for not running from me."

"I'm tired of running, remember?"

We stayed there, her head resting against my chest, my arms wrapped around her until our inhales and exhales were in sync. I was sure she had fallen asleep and was ready to drift off myself, when she spoke again. I wasn't expecting her next words, but how could I have ever expected them? What she told me was devastating.

"My mother killed herself seven years ago."

How was I supposed to respond to that? I wasn't sure, so I stayed silent.

"No one knew she was depressed or taking medication. In fact, she hated Western medicine, or so we thought. I guess, I'll never really know. She told me she was going on a retreat, in Phoenix. Instead, she overdosed on pills next to a river near Santa Fe. We buried her, then I left. I couldn't stay. Everything I did, everywhere I went, I saw her. It was too painful for me. I ran and I haven't been back since."

That's why she was tired of running. That's why she wouldn't give up on me. She'd done it before and wasn't willing to do it again. I could feel her tears dripping onto my stomach. I didn't know what to do for her. I felt my skin burning again, but it was burning for her. Her pain, was my pain.

"She didn't leave a note. There was no explanation. There was nothing. She just left me. You know what the worst part is?"

"No." Because what was worse than that?

"I could have helped. I could have done something to save her, to help her."

How do you tell someone that their honest and good intentions were nothing more than wasted hopes?

"No, Bella, no matter what, she would have found a way."

Her tears were awful. It was one thing to see them from afar as I had in the past. But to feel them on my burning skin, was gut wrenching. I knew why she cried alone now. I understood why she marked her back with Georgia O'Keefe. I knew why she was so alone, for so long. My mistakes were my own. I knew who to blame for my scars and my pain. But my beautiful, brave, strong girl would never understand her mother's actions. Her mother had robbed her of any closure or peace. I was furious and heartbroken at the same time.

"Tell me what to do to make it better, beautiful."

She took in several shuddering breaths. She sniffled and pulled away from me. Her face was puffy and damp. Her lips were down-turned and sad. She still looked beautiful.

"Help me forget, Edward."

And because I couldn't deny her anything, I kissed her, and kissed her again. There was so much need and longing in those kisses. It might not have been the right thing to do, to mask her pain with sex, but it was what she needed from me. I pulled on her silk gown and she raised her arms. I lifted the fabric from her body and tossed it aside before slipping off my boxers.

I helped her forget her ruined past with my ruined body.

* * *

**A/N**

**Parts of their pasts are out now. I'm just itchy to know what you thought of this...  
**


	14. Chapter 13, Dreams of Cinnamon

**I was so amazed by the response to my last chapter. Thank you so much for your enthusiasm and words, it really keeps me going**!

**A lot of you are getting antsy for the truth of Edward's past... I'm afraid you'll have to wait a little longer. I promise it's coming, though. Hope you'll indulge me. I do have every chapter mapped out, so I mean it when I say its just a little longer. **

**Thanks to HollettLA and TheOtherBella for the help, eagle eyes, and support!**

**I don't own, I just play**

* * *

**Chapter 13, Dreams of Cinnamon**

**BPOV**

"What are we doing for Thanksgiving?"

"_We_?"

"Yes, _we_."

"I... don't know. I haven't _done_ anything for Thanksgiving in years, Bella."

"Me neither," I answered, sadly. "Jake invited me to one a few years back, but I felt so out of place. I was the only one with ovaries."

Edward's laughter surprised me.

"God, you're wonderful," he said before kissing the top of my head.

We were sitting in bed watching TV when the first gravy commercial of the season popped up, reminding me that Thanksgiving was only a few short weeks away.

"Is there something you want to do, beautiful?"

In fact, there was something I wanted to do. Something I hadn't had the space, tools or, most importantly, the friends to do in the years past.

"Yes, there is something."

"What is it?"

"I want to cook."

"No complaints from me. The last time I had stuffing, Clinton was President."

"And..."

"And?"

"I want to invite my friends," I spilled, cautiously. I had no idea what his reaction would be.

There was a beat of silence before Edward spoke.

"Is Emmett a part of that group?"

"Yes, Emmett, Rose, Alice, Jasper, and Jake. Of course, Jake will probably say no, he has a long established group he does holidays with."

"Do they all... know about me?"

"Alice and Jasper do, of course. You know I told Rose. I don't really know what she has or hasn't said to Emmett. As for Jake, I haven't said anything to him about the scars."

I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. He hadn't locked himself in the bathroom, and he hadn't said no; so far, so good.

"What will you say to Jake about me? And Emmett?"

"Whatever you want me to say."

"Do you think they'd actually want to come?"

I let a small smile play on my lips, but I didn't want to get too hopeful after all.

"There's only one way to find out."

"Right. Of course."

He sat there contemplating something in his head. He looked so serious. Staring at the foot of the bed, his face tense, his eyes focused on nothing in particular. He was lost in his own mind for a while.

"I think we can keep it honest, but vague. I was in an accident and I'm disfigured by scars."

His voice was even and calm. I was almost worried by it. I had never heard him speak of himself so coolly. There were no insults, no comments; he seemed neither sad nor angry, just sort even-keeled and neutral about it all.

"Edward, please look at me."

He turned his head, but still seemed distant.

"If you're not ready for this, I won't push;, you know that right? I won't say or do anything you don't want me to."

"I prefer Sweet Potato Pie to Pumpkin."

Stunned. I was stunned.

"Say again?"

"I said, I prefer Sweet Potato Pie to Pumpkin Pie."

I wish I had a picture of myself just then. In my head, my jaw was somewhere on the 3rd floor while the rest of me was still in the penthouse.

"You don't have to make Sweet Potato Pie, of course. We can order it from some place, I'm sure. Or just forget it entirely."

"Sweet Potato Pie?"

"No fruit in the stuffing either! I hate that. Why ruin perfectly good stuffing with something healthy like fruit?"

It was The Twilight Zone. No other explanation for it. He was rattling off menu items while I was still trying to grasp the fact that he was willingly and apparently, happily, accepting my plan.

"It's not a lot of people, but if you want some help, I'm sure Lydia could lend a hand, or maybe she has a friend who I can hire to help out... Hey, you okay?"

I closed my jaw, focused my eyes, and nodded as quickly as I could. I wasn't about to admit that I thought he would say no - that I thought the whole thing would make him shut down and turn into a nervous wreck.

"Mhmm. Great! Sweet Potato Pie, no fruit in the stuffing. Got it."

"So, just leave the list of things you need for Lydia; she'll handle it."

"Yup, Lydia... I'm just going to start calling everyone to make sure they can come."

"Sure. Oh, I don't have to dress up for this or anything, do I?"

"You don't even have to wear shoes if you don't want to."

"Great, great. What does Emmett drink?"

"I don't know, I'll make sure to ask Rosie though, okay?"

"Thanks, beautiful."

"Welcome."

With that I got up as calmly and casually as I could, grabbed my phone from my bag on the floor, opened the closet to throw my robe over my naked body, and walked to the kitchen before frantically dialing Alice's number.

"Alice, you won't believe it!"

"Try me."

"We're having Thanksgiving here. I'm cooking and you, Jasper, Rosie, Emmett, and Jake are invited."

"There? I don't know, Bella, it's kind of a tight squeeze. Plus, can you even get a whole turkey in your oven? No offense or anything, but..."

"No, Alice, not my place... Edward's."

"You know, if you're gonna call a gal all excited this early on a Saturday, you should at least have the courtesy to..."

She didn't believe me.

"...Alice, hush. Listen. Not a joke. We are having Thanksgiving at Edward's. I just spoke with him; he's actually excited about it. I'm cooking the whole thing and you, Jasper, Rosie, and Emmett and Jake are coming."

The sound that came from her mouth only further proved that she was, in fact, an alien. Human beings simply couldn't reach that decibel. I had to pull the phone away from my ear, or risk internal bleeding. When the un-earthly noise ceased, I could actually hear her physically bouncing on the other end.

"Bella, you're amazing! How did you do it? I mean, he's actually going to have people over to his house, and he's going to eat, and talk with them, and oh... oh, man. You know this could be a complete disaster, right?"

"Alice, have a little faith. He already requested that there be Sweet Potato Pie."

"He did? Wow."

"I know," I sighed contentedly.

"You're right, by the way. I'll keep the faith. I'll also order flowers and wine. You really don't want me cooking a damn thing." Stories of Alice's "attempts" at cooking were well known cautionary tales of food poisoning and small fires. "You should call Rosie, see if Emmett can get you a turkey."

"Good idea. I'll call you later."

"Yup, bye."

My talk to Rosie was much calmer, but then again, by both of us being human, that was to be expected. She handed the phone to Emmett, who assured me he would have the best turkey in all of Manhattan delivered to Edward's place the day before Thanksgiving, along with the sausage I wanted for the stuffing. Rosie promised to bring something sweet, besides herself, of course.

"Oh, I almost forgot! What does Emmett like to drink? Edward wanted to know."

"Guinness or tequila... or both," she laughed.

"Thanks, I'll let him know. Hey Rose, have you told Emmett about Edward?"

"I did. I wasn't sure if I should have or not, but he knew I was hiding something from him, so I caved. Is that okay?"

"Ya, I think so. Edward told me it was okay to let Emmett know, so... Just curious, what was his reaction?"

"He didn't really have one. He just shrugged and admitted he was pigeon-toed until his mother made him take Irish dance lessons."

"For real? Oh Rosie, have you seen him do it yet?"

"Hells, yes! Fucking sexy as all get-out, too. Didn't hurt that he was naked at the time, either."

"Priceless."

"I know! He doesn't have to be drunk, either! He'll just get up and do a jig when asked. For a big guy, he's a graceful son-of-a-bitch."

"He's a keeper, Rosie. Free meat AND entertainment!"

"Sigh. Don't I know it..."

I finished up with Rose before texting Jake. As expected, he couldn't come, but asked for a rain-check.

I was standing in the pantry, an ever-growing grocery list in one hand and a pen in the other, when a pair of large, strong arms wrapped themselves around my waist.

"I don't see sweet potatoes on that list."

"Don't worry; I would never deprive you of pie. I'm actually quite proud that I've managed to corrupt you, Mister Protein Shake."

"Have I corrupted you at all in return?"

"Being called beautiful has inflated my ego ten-fold.."

"Is that right?"

"Mhmm."

His fingers found the tie of my robe and pulled gently. Deftly, his hands moved up my body until he was cupping my breasts. As hr kneaded them gently, I let my head fall back to his shoulder.

"That feel good, beautiful?"

"Very."

We stood there for a moment, him touching me, me enjoying it.

"I want to taste you," he whispered.

Shivers. Everywhere. I could feel myself getting wet.

"Will you let me?"

I couldn't help but moan. He was getting less timid and more confident when it came to sex, but something about his asking permission made me utterly weak in the knees.

"Was that a yes, beautiful?"

"Yes," I whimpered.

Before I could utter another word, he gathered me in his arms, walked me out of the pantry, and placed me gently on the kitchen table.

"Here?" I asked, surprised.

"I can't wait and the bedroom is too far. Spread your legs for me, beautiful."

I shifted until the arches of my feet rested on the edge of the table. My robe spread over the surface like a tablecloth, and Edward sat in the chair before me as if he were sitting down for a meal, which happily for me, he was.

One smooth hand and one rough traced a path from my ankle to my knees. He spread my legs apart further before leaning forward and kissing my inner thigh.

"Do you know you're glistening?"

"Glistening for you."

Before his mouth was lost between my legs, I heard the word "wet" and "Christ." He didn't waste time. The tip of his tongue flicked at my clit once, twice, three times, before he wrapped his mouth around and began sucking. The sounds coming out of my mouth were wanton and desperate. My moans, grunts, and whimpers only spurred him on.

He slipped one long finger into me and when I realized it wasn't the smooth digit I was used to, but instead a rough, calloused, textured finger, I cursed, my hands automatically grabbing onto my breasts and squeezing as tightly as I could. When the intensity of his actions matched the intensity I inflicted on myself, I could feel the coiling, the slow build.

What felt good before felt like fire then. The heat, which was coursing through me, was positively electric. My skin felt prickly. My face was flushed and hot. When he hummed around me, I lost the thin control I had over my body and was ready to let go.

"Come for me, beautiful."

And I did - writhing and cursing as I went. His face never left my thighs. He had a front row seat to my release. I heard him growl after his tongue took one last lap at my pussy. I was utterly spent. I felt hollow, a mere shell of myself. For no reason, other than pure delirium and contentment, a few errant tears made their way down my face.

"Happy tears?" he asked.

I nodded, not having found the ability to speak yet. He stood between my legs. I lifted my head up enough to see him bend slightly and stand back up.

"If you don't want this, tell me now."

"This?" I managed.

"I can't look at you naked, spread for me, wet, and not want to bury myself inside you, beautiful."

Raising myself to my elbows, I watched with rapt attention as he slid his hand up and down his erect length. He was so hard for me. His head was an ever-deepening shade of purple - his hand slid up and down his cock. His motions grew rougher and rougher with every pass. He angled himself at my entrance, grabbing one leg and raising it. His hands dropped and he pushed forward, his tip touching my lips.

"Tell me to stop, Bella. Tell me now."

There was no way I could. He was glorious in his need. All I could think of was how full he would make me. How his thickness would rub against my walls, eventually making me shudder around him. So I when I scooted forward, allowing his head to push past my lips, he took the hint, and in one swift move, slammed into me.

He hadn't taken me with such force since Halloween and it was utterly delicious. Bang after bang, pant after pant, he fucked me. When he lifted both my legs and rested them on his shoulders, he pushed in further, deeper. We groaned in unison at the new friction he created. I shut my eyes; suddenly the light was too light, the room was too hot and too cold. The table beneath me was too hard and yet not hard enough. I wanted more. I wanted to feel him slam into me repeatedly. I want my breath to catch with every thrust.

"From behind! Please!" I yelled out.

"No," he ground out. "I need to see you."

"Then, harder."

"Fuck, you'll be the death of me, Bella."

But he did fuck me harder. Every thrust had his pelvis slamming into my crotch. I would be bruised and sore, but I was begging for more. He was unbridled and fierce. He was wild and at my contrast requests for, "more, more, more," he delivered. Using all his weight, all his perfectly thick muscles, he pushed into me with such force it knocked the breath from me. Stars. I saw stars and bursts of light around me, then there was the sound of an animal crying out in agony before everything went silent and still.

The sounds of heavy, gasping breaths filled the room. I could feel him inside, still hard, but slowly, every so slowly, softening. There were no words, no movement other than our chests rising and falling, pulling in as much air as they could. Slowly, painfully slowly, I could feel him pulling out of me. It wasn't until his head pulled away from my slit that I could feel how impossibly engorged he was, how incredibly full I had been.

He sat down - I only knew because I heard the chair scrape against the floor. I couldn't physically lift my head, I didn't have the energy. It took several minutes before my body decided it could move again. It wasn't a graceful rise to sitting either. There were winces and groans, (not the good kind), odd angles, and very un-sexy wiggle from my aching body.

When I was upright though, I took stock: pepper shaker on the floor, check. Salt shaker broken in two, check. One panting, exhausted man, sitting naked in a kitchen chair, check. One heart-stoppingly crooked smile coming from said man, double check. The scars were there, angry and rough as ever. But, his sage eyes wouldn't look away. His extraordinary thick, muscular, and sculpted body was there on display for me, too. He wasn't beautiful, he wasn't pretty;, he wasn't handsome in any traditional definition known to man. But he was mine and he was breathtaking nonetheless.

**EPOV**

Bella had been cooking for about 72 hours straight. Lydia had helped as much as she could with the chopping and prepping; but the day before Thanksgiving, she was due at her daughter's house in New Jersey, where she would be staying for the weekend.

I was nervous, but not nearly as nervous as I thought I would be. It helped that, although I had never met him, Emmett already felt like a friend. It helped that Alice and Jasper were family. It certainly helped that there were not one, but two Sweet Potato Pies - and then there was Bella. Her cooking was like some elaborately choreographed dance that only she knew the steps to. I could almost tap out a beat as she chopped, mixed, stuffed, and seasoned. The constant rhythm of her moves, the confidence she oozed as she worked, rubbed off on me.

The smells that were emanating from that kitchen were nothing less than heavenly, and I couldn't help my mouth from watering every couple of minutes. No matter how many times I asked if I could help though, I was rebuked. And no matter how many times I tried to sneak a taste, she caught me, slapping my hand away. It reminded me of when Alice and I were kids. Somehow, no matter whose house we were spending the holidays in, no matter which of our mothers were cooking, mine in Boston or hers in New York, they would always catch us. Eyes in the back of their heads, our fathers used to say. Maybe all mothers had them. Maybe Bella would too, when she became a mother.

The sudden image of a little baby Bella running around, trying to sneak a taste, being caught by Mom, and shooed out of the kitchen, made me smile uncontrollably. Would she want that? Would I? Having never even considered fatherhood to be a possibility, it seemed almost sinful to think of. What right did I have to bring a child into the world? How would it work? Could it work? Of course, the answer was simple - I could deny Bella nothing. If she wanted a child, if I were lucky enough to be the man she wanted one with, I wouldn't say no - I couldn't.

I was snapped out of my daydream by Alice.

"What are you smiling at?" she asked, amused.

"When did you get here?"

"We just came in. Jasper is opening a bottle of wine. Again, what were you smiling at?"

"Remember when we used to sneak into the kitchen and try to steal a taste of something when we were kids?"

"Of course, we'd always get caught. No matter what, either your mom or mine would catch us before we could get away with it."

I bent my head toward Bella. Alice looked at me quizzically.

"Bella has eyes in the back of her head, too."

We were quiet for a moment, taking in the gravity of the statement.

"Would you want that, Edward? Do you want kids?"

"With Bella I would."

"STOP WHISPERING OVER THERE!" Bella yelled from the stove.

"Yes, Mom!" Alice and I said in unison before laughing out loud together.

"It feels so good to laugh again, Punky."

"It's good to have you back," she said, as her little arms wrapped around my waist and squeezed tight.

"I know you can't cook to save your life, Alice, but think you could pull the biscuits out of the oven? I have to keep stirring this," Bella asked from the stove.

"Be right there!" she yelled back to Bella. "Go get a drink with Jasper, okay?"

I nodded, before letting go of my little Punky, and going to meet Jasper in the living room.

Jasper and I shook hands. I had always liked Jasper, he's a good man. But our relationship was strained. He knew how tough I was with Alice over the years, how sometimes I forgot she was family, and that she always meant well. It wasn't something I was proud of but, because of Bella, I want to be better, to earn his friendship, finally.

"This was big of you, man."

"What was?"

"Having us over like this, meeting Rose and Emmett. Just letting someone new in."

"I'm trying."

"I can see that. I just... I'll just come out with it. I'm really proud of you. I don't care if it's because of Bella or not, it's just nice to not want to punch you all the time."

I laughed and it broke the tension. But truth was, I was touched. To have a guy like Jasper, a guy I respected, say he was proud of me? It meant a lot.

"Hey, I have that whiskey you like."

"Really?"

"Ya, I bought a bottle of it. I got Guinness for Emmett, and champagne for the girls."

"You know, for a guy who doesn't entertain, you're doing a good job."

I smiled. Then the bell rang and I froze. I couldn't move, I couldn't think. I must have looked panicked because Jasper immediately offered me his glass.

"Shit, man, take a breath, okay? Here, take a sip of wine."

I grabbed the glass and gulped the entire thing down. The bell rang again.

"Better?"

"Kind of?" Was I better? No. What the hell was I thinking?

"Want me to go with you?"

I nodded.

Together we walked to the foyer. Jasper went to open the door. Greetings and kisses were exchanged, and I knew I only had seconds before two more people entered into my life. Two more people whose reactions would be a mystery. I didn't know how they would react, but I had assumed any number of reactions: shock, disgust, morbid curiosity, laughter, pointing, pointing **and** laughing...

What actually happened was much less painful and far more surprising than I had planned for. Emmett put down the plastic bag he was holding, walked right up to me, pulled me into a hug, and said it was, "about fucking time, bro." I had no choice but to hug the guy back. Plus, he was bigger than me, and that was saying something. I guess hauling meat around all day would do that to a guy.

"It's good to finally meet you too," I said, as we let go.

Rosalie was a stunner, Bella was right. But she was no pin-up. She was too lean, too much like every other hot chick on TV - tall, blond, and skinny. Rose's breasts weren't full enough, her thighs not thick enough, her hips too narrow for me. She wasn't my pin-up girl. No one could be, though. She was smiling, but she was also staring, taking me in. Oddly, she wasn't looking at me like I was a freak; instead she looked at me like you would a painting. She kept tilting her head side-to-side, looking from different angles, taking in every detail.

"Babe?" Emmett said next to me. His voice seemed to snap her out of it.

"Huh? Oh hell. Shit, I'm sorry, Edward," she said as she walked toward me.

I put out my hand but she wouldn't have it. Instead she lifted her head to kiss me on the cheek.

"I'm really glad we're finally meeting. Thanks for this, by the way; you don't know how happy you've made Bella."

"You're welcome. And don't apologize, that went way better than I imagined. Can I get you something to drink?"

"Yes, wine?"

"Sure, I also have champagne if you'd like?"

"See, I knew there was a reason Bella liked you so much. Can we stop by the kitchen first though? I have goodies. "

Rose picked up the bag that Emmett had put down and I led them to the kitchen. Hugs and kisses all around, then Rose took out three or four wrapped things in foil. Emmett leaned into me and whispered that she had been baking for two days straight.

We left the girls, who seemed perfectly happy to be together, and walked back to the living room. At the bar, I took out a bottle of champagne, grabbed three glasses, and left it on the kitchen counter for the girls who seemed incredibly excited about the bubbly. Back in the living room Emmett had found the mini keg of Guinness, tapped it, and was on his first glass.

"This place is amazing, bro."

"Thanks. Want a tour?"

"Absolutely."

We didn't get far before I could hear Bella calling for Emmett.

"I need this bird carved, big guy!" she yelled.

"Be right there!"

We all followed him to the kitchen where Bella took the foil off the bird to a chorus of ooo's and ahh's. While Emmett carved, Jasper and I each took a dish of something and walked to the dining room, the dining room that I had never used except for my own selfish destructive needs. That it was suddenly a place of happiness and food, and even new friends, hadn't escaped my attention.

The candles were lit, the food was out, and after a simple prayer of thanks to the universe for new friends and good food courtesy of Jasper, we were ready to dig in. The food was drool-worthy. I was stuffed beyond stuffed. Absolutely everything was incredible, even the salad dressing. I knew Bella liked to cook, but that meal was memorable, and I was proud of her. I may have gloating a bit, too.

I thought that having a holiday meal again would have upset me. I was afraid of lashing out, or becoming a morose ass that no one would want to talk and eat with, but I wasn't. I enjoyed every minute. I laughed, I drank, I ate and talked, and not once did I feel awkward or out of place. It was a rush having people to speak with and share food with. I thought back quickly on the years of hiding and shying away from people. I knew there was a reason but, for the life of me, I couldn't think of it at that moment.

After dessert and pie - an embarrassing amount of pie - we waddled back to the living room. Before plopping myself back on the couch, I put some music on. Nothing in particular, just whatever was cued. Emmett had promised us a jig, but when he bowed out due the risk of projectile vomit, we all equally laughed and cringed.

When a soft song I recognized but hadn't heard for a while started playing, I did something unexpected, even for me. I stood up and asked Bella to dance with me. She blinked a couple of times before taking my hand and following me toward the windows. The city was lit up, putting on a show for us. All that mattered though, was the beautiful, tired woman in my arms.

_It won't do_  
_to dream of caramel,_  
_to think of cinnamon_  
_and long for you. _

I could see Jasper and Emmett following suit, Rose and Alice taking their hands and being pulled in tight.

_It won't do_  
_to stir a deep desire,_  
_to fan a hidden fire_  
_that can never burn true._

And because I knew what was coming next, I lowered my head and sang the next words into Bella's ear.

"I know your name, I know your skin, I know the way these things begin. But I don't know, how I would live with myself, what I would give of myself, if you don't go. So goodbye, sweet appetite, no single bite, could ever satisfy..."

For all the words we had exchanged, there were three that hadn't been uttered. They were just three little words that for some reason, we hadn't found the opportunity to say. Between the anger, the tears, the humiliation, fear, and uncertainty, it was no wonder that they had been pushed aside. But just then, with Bella in my arms, with Suzanne Vega singing to us, and New York sparkling below us all the reasons disappeared.

_I know your name,_  
_I know your skin,_  
_I know the way_  
_these things begin..._

"I love you."

_But I don't know_  
_what I would give of myself,_  
_how I would live with myself_  
_if you don't go._

She rested her head against my chest. "I love you, too."

_It won't do_  
_to dream of caramel, _  
_to think of cinnamon_  
_and long_  
_for you. _

_

* * *

_

**A/N**

**Awwww.**

**If you don't know the song, check out the link, it's such a sexy little number:**

**http:/www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=eO_dEiN1FkE**

**Reviews are like warm caramel.**


	15. Chapter 14, Phantom: Full Circle

**Before anything else, I need to thanks the lovely, wonderful people at Twilight Awards for featuring me in their Under the Radar section! **

**Check it out here: http:/reviews(dot)thetwilightawards(dot)com/2011/03/under-radar-bella-and-beastward-by(dot)html**

**For any of you coming to B&B via the review, thanks so much and I sincerely hope you're enjoying the story thus far!**

**A very warm and fuzzy thanks to HollettLA and TheOtherBella for reading and correcting this... you know this story wouldn't be nearly as readable or enjoyable without you... many foozles, girls. **

**I don't own, I just play.**

* * *

**Chapter 14, Phantom: Full Circle**

**EPOV**

I used to hate the fucking theatrics - the name, the mask. The whole persona would always be a lie, but it was a lie that I would endure happily for her. I donned the mask once again because Bella requested it of me and I could deny her nothing. I'd used to pretend to be into S&M just to get my rocks off, out of necessity. I saw the light one evening in December, however, when the women I loved asked me to show a part of myself I thought I could forget.

I was never proud of that part of my past until I shared it with her. She wanted to remove the shame. She said, if we shared the experience together, instead of viewing it as something dirty, some secret I hid, it would turn into something luscious, sexy, erotic. She was right.

Of course, the problem was, could I let myself restrain her, order her around? More importantly, would she let me? In my previous life, I was Edward-fucking-Cullen and Edward-fucking-Cullen didn't need to ask permission to do anything. Edward-fucking-Cullen smiled and winked at a girl and she was his for as long he wanted her, no questions asked. I wasn't Edward-fucking-Cullen anymore though, I was Edward Masen. Edward Masen loved someone more than he could articulate.

I wanted Bella to enjoy herself without abandon; I only hoped I could do the same.

On the first Thursday in December, I turned down the lights, slipped into my leather, and covered my face with a Phantom of the Opera mask... as per her request. Over the years I'd been with dozens of girls - all colors and sizes. I used to like the variety, but more importantly, I didn't like fucking the same girl twice - they started to know what I liked, how I liked it, and that was more personal information than I cared to share.

In the past, Madame Zafrina understood my needs and made sure to find me new girls every month. They arrived at my apartment, they followed my directions, I fucked them until I was satiated, I told them where the envelope was and locked the door after them. That night was different, though. That night there was no need to hide. I didn't have to fuck Bella from behind unless I wanted to. I didn't have to worry about things getting too personal, because they already were. I loved the woman I was planning on tying to the bed. She was everything to me.

At 6:43 P.M. my doorbell rang.

"It's open."

In walked the last woman I would ever lust after. She was a stunning, funky haired pin-up. She was wearing a pair of jeans under her thick, bulky winter coat. I couldn't see them, but I knew her breasts were heavy and full. I knew her legs were strong and shapely. I knew her arms were soft and dotted with light brown hair. Her neck was wrapped up in a purple crochet scarf; her head was covered in a matching hat. I couldn't wait to touch her. In the past, I had undressed her slowly, savoring every curve – that night I was ready for speed and force.

"Stop right there. What's your name?"

She looked around, confused, maybe a little annoyed, too.

"Edward, why are the lights so low? And where are you hiding? You damn well know my name."

She didn't get it yet.

"I'll ask you one more time, what is your name?"

"Just what the hell are you playing at?"

She was definitely annoyed.

"This isn't a game. Tell me your name. NOW!"

She looked livid. She would have slapped me across the face if I were in front of her, I just knew it. She opened her mouth to say something, then stopped. A smile crept onto her lips. My beautiful girl figured it out.

With a knowing smile she said, "Isabella."

I smiled. She never used her full name. She wanted to play, too.

"Isabella, undress for me... slowly."

She pulled the hat from her head and the scarf from around her neck, letting them drop at her side. She unzipped her coat and let it fall from her body. She was wearing a bright yellow Bob Marley T-shirt under a black cardigan with sequins on it. Her jeans were tucked into a pair of dark red rubber boots. She stepped on the back of one boots and wiggled her foot out. After repeating the process with the other boot, she pulled off her socks. Her cardigan was next, revealing exactly how happy Bob must have been to be rubbing up against her hard nipples. I stifled a groan.

Slowly, she pulled off her shirt. Plain black cotton bra. As desperately as I wanted to bury my face in her exceptionally soft, jiggling cleavage, we were in a scene and I didn't want to interrupt the striptease. She unbuttoned her jeans and pulled the zipper down. Inch by maddening inch, she pulled the jeans down her legs until she stepped out of them. Plain, pink panties hugged her hips. Once again, I was jealous of cotton.

She turned around, her back facing me. I couldn't help but stare at her round, ample ass. I had the sudden urge to see if I could get her creamy, ivory skin the same color as her bubble gum pink panties. Maybe she would let me. She reached around her back and unclasped her bra. She pulled the fabric down her arms and threw her bra over her shoulder. I should have stopped her and made her turn around, she really shouldn't have been hiding from me like that, but I knew she was enjoying herself. When she leaned over to pull down her panties, though, I couldn't help but moan out loud. Seeing her bare fucking kitty, pink, ready to be pounded, was too much.

"Turn around, Isabella."

I'd seen her naked more times than I could count, but she was breathing heavily, and her chest rose dramatically with every inhale. She was excited, and in turn, it drove me wild.

"You're beautiful, Isabella. Does it please you to hear me say that?"

"Yes," she answered breathily. "Yes... sir?" She asked innocently.

Before, when women called me sir, it made me cringe. I hated it. It reminded me of the charade, of the stupid fucking reasons I had to wear masks. But coming from her mouth, all unsure and anxious, it was like vocal Viagra. Instantly, my dick pressed against my pants.

"Did I tell you to call me sir, Isabella?"

"No."

"Do you want to call me 'sir'?"

"Desperately," she practically moaned.

Fuck. She had no idea how hard I was for her.

"I'll allow it. What do you say, Isabella?"

"Thank you, sir."

There it was again... my dick twitched.

If she had been anyone else, I would have thrown a blindfold at her feet and make her put it on. But it was my Bella standing there, not some random slut. I wanted her to see every single thing I was going to do to her.

I always worn the mask and gloves in the past because it never hurt to be careful. I couldn't risk all the random women finding out about me. But, I wore them that night to embody the Phantom persona – to create a fantasy for Bella. Also, I had jerked off to the image of Bella sucking her own juices off of my leather glove earlier that week; I wanted to see it person that night.

She stood there before me, naked, barefoot, her multi-colored hair a mess due to the hat she pulled off her head. She was utterly delectable. I walked to her until she was mere inches from me. Her nipples were hard, her breathing still heavy. She was excited. I took a leather-clad, gloved hand and flicked her nipple. She moaned. The sound made my dick ache.

I walked around her, took off my left glove, and let my finger trail down her body. Starting at her neck, down between her shoulder blades, further down her spine, past her waist, down the crack of her full ass, and listened to her breath hitch. I pulled her toward me by her shoulders, and let her feel exactly how ready I was for her.

"Do you feel that, Isabella?"

"Yes, sir."

"Does it please you to know that you did that to me?"

"Yes, sir."

"I'm going to bind your hands now, Isabella. You'll like that won't you?"

"Fuck. Yes, sir."

Hearing her curse made me impatient. I couldn't wait; I had to know if she was as ready for me as I was for her. I reached around her body, bent over slightly, and let the tip of my finger slip between her pussy lips. It was my turn to curse.

"Fuck." I didn't think she could get that wet from a few simple words and requests. It was... enlightening. "Isabella, you're a very, very wet girl. Who made you that wet?"

"You did, sir," she moaned, pressing her head into my shoulder.

Before we got carried away, I needed to set some rules. In the past, I was assured that the girls who came to me were experienced in the S&M world; Bella wasn't. I needed her to know exactly how to control the situation. I stood up straight, pulled the soft satin cuffs from my back pocket and slowly started to confine her wrists.

"Green means go. Yellow mean slow down. Red means stop. Do you understand, Isabella?"

"Yes, sir."

"You have to be vocal and honest with me. Tell me you understand before I tie you up, Isabella."

"I understand. Green, sir... very green."

"I'm going to take you to my bed now."

For the first time, I meant it, too. I was going to take her to my actual bed. The one we shared when she graced me with her presence. It didn't have the right kind of headboard for me to tie her to, but was planning on tying her arms to the bed frame's feet. I had ordered extra long satin rope especially for the occasion.

"I'm going to fuck you tonight. Do you want me to fuck you, Isabella?"

"Yes, sir," she answered quietly.

"Tell me. Tell me you want me to fuck you, Isabella."

Without pause, she answered me. "I want you to fuck me," she said, her voice low, determined.

Just who was controlling whom I wondered as my body reacted to her words and voice.

"Good girl, Isabella."

I grabbed the knot I had made in the cuffs and carefully, slowly, tugged. I began walking, never letting go, making sure it was slow enough for her to follow without tripping. After all, she was walking backward. When we reached the darkened bedroom, I turned her around and placed a pillow on the floor just by the bed's edge and her feet. I unbuttoned my pants, slid down the zipper, and carefully pulled them over my hard dick and down to my knees.

When I looked up at her, Bella was looking at me hungrily.

"Kneel on the pillow at your feet."

She fumbled just slightly, but was kneeling before me a moment later.

"You're going to suck me now. Tell me you'll enjoy it, Isabella."

"I'll enjoy it, sir."

"You made me this hard, Isabella," I said, getting lost in her face. She had just licked her lips and I couldn't think straight. "You always make me hard, Bella."

Her head whipped up. Shit! I called her Bella. I had to get back into character.

"Do you want to suck my cock now?"

She winked at me, God, I loved her.

"Yes, sir" she answered with confidence.

"Show me, Isabella."

I scooted closer to the edge of the bed. The second I was in position, Bella impaled her mouth on my length. When I felt the back of her throat, I had no choice but to curse. When she dragged her mouth back up, she let her teeth scrape my shaft causing me to hiss, loudly. She went back down as forcefully as she had the first time and I almost had to yell out "Yellow!" myself.

She was ferocious. I had never felt her attack me like that before. It was intoxicating. Not only was I seeing a side of her I had never expected, but knowing that I had done that to her? That I had lured out some hidden tigress? I felt like the shit. No, I was the shit. I was amazing, incredible, the king of the fucking world. I hadn't felt like that since college. I knew I wasn't invincible anymore - I had the proof permanently plastered to my body - but right then, with Bella devouring my cock, I was. I was invincible because of her.

Quicker than I thought possible, I was coming into her mouth and down her waiting throat. I didn't see stars. That night I saw comets and I saw them more than once.

I looked down the woman at my feet. The woman who had crowned me master of the universe and all I wanted was to do was return the fucking favor. I stood up, pulled my pants on, and fastened them.

"On the bed, on all fours, now. I don't care how you fucking do it, but you do it quickly."

I knew her hands were tied, but I wanted full access to her pussy. No thighs, no knees, absolutely nothing in my fucking way. She stood up, kneeled on the bed and simply folded herself over. She turned her head toward the balcony and pressed her shoulders into the mattress. Her ass was in the air, her very obviously wet and glistening pussy was just where I wanted it... exposed to me.

"I'm going to make you feel so fucking good now, Isabella. But first, there's something I've been fantasizing about. Did you know I fantasized about you, Isabella?"

"No, sir."

"Oh, but I do," I said, rubbing her folds with one leather-clad finger. "Ask me what I fantasize about, Isabella."

"What do you fantasize about?" She ground out.

"Thisss," I hissed as I pushed my finger deep into her warmth. I pumped my finger in and out of her; the sound of her wetness filled the room. It wouldn't take long for me to get hard again for her. I pulled out my finger, her juices clinging to the leather.

"Do you want to make me happy, Isabella?"

"Always, sir." My heart thumped in my chest.

"Then suck for me, Isabella. Let me know how sweet you are. Let me know how good you'll taste."

I leaned over her folded body, brought my finger to her mouth, and watched as she took one long lick of herself.

"Mmmm," she said.

"I said suck, not lick, Isabella. Don't disappoint me again."

Suddenly, I was afraid I had pushed too far, that I had run away with the charade. I was almost expecting her to say yellow or even red, but she didn't. She took my gloved finger into her mouth and sucked so hard, I could feel the leather lifting away from my flesh. I pulled my hand away and the glove stayed with Bella. She smiled, the glove firmly placed between her teeth.

Hard. I was getting hard again.

"If I didn't want my tongue in your pussy right now, I'd spank you for that little show."

Her eyes went wide. She let the glove go and smiled.

"Would you like that? Would you like me to spank you, Isabella?"

"I..." she paused for a beat. "Yes, sir."

"Next time." I knew then that there would be a next time. I wanted to slap her ass until it burned.

Her exposed sex was dripping for me. I wouldn't keep it waiting any longer. The very second my tongue plunged into her, she screamed. When I reached between her legs and touched her clit, she shook. I started lapping at her folds with the flat of my tongue. Over and over again, I licked; over and over again, I rubbed her clit. Just as it hadn't taken long for me to come, it was only a few short minutes before she froze, shook, and then came for me.

Those few minutes weren't long enough for me, though. I wanted more of her. I touched her clit again and she squirmed. I touched it again and she wiggled away from me. She didn't shift when she felt my tongue again, though. With my tongue teasing her slit, she sobbed and arched her back, raising her ass that much higher into the air. A tigress in heat. I gave her what she wanted. I licked, I lapped, and when she was a shaking mess in front of me, I reached down and rubbed at her clit again. She came for me again, hard. So hard that she collapsed on the bed, curled into a ball and convulsed sporadically.

I was proud, then worried when I saw the tears. Scratch that, I was so terrified I stopped breathing. It wasn't until she saw me, shook her head and repeated, "green, green, green," over and over that I breathed again.

"Green? Do you want more, Isabella?"

She didn't exactly answer, but chanted, "green, green, green," again.

Her little, terrifying display had softened the boner I was sporting, so I planned for some more licking. The sounds she made were irresistible. It didn't quite pan out that way, though.

"On your back, shift all the way to headboard."

She obeyed.

"Spread your arms for me, Isabella."

She did. I unclasped her wrists, reached down to the bed's foot, and clasped the rope to her wrist cuff. I walked to the other side and repeated the process. When I saw her there, bound, it did something to me. She looked so fucking gorgeous. Naked, spread open, vulnerable. The exquisite amount of trust involved made me puff out my chest a little. I may have fucked up thousands of things in my life. But for some reason, the beautiful woman on my bed loved me. It was enough to make me hard, painfully hard.

"Do you know how beautiful you are to me?"

She didn't say a thing. She was confused. I could tell she wasn't sure if I was still Phantom or not. I didn't really know myself, to be honest.

"You're more beautiful to me than..."

I couldn't finish the sentence. Instead, I leaned down and kissed her with a hard and fierce determination. When I broke away, she was breathless.

"I want you now, Isabella. I'm going to fuck you until you scream. Do you understand me?"

"Y-y-yes, sir," she answered shakily.

I pulled off the remaining glove. I took off my shoes. I pulled down my pants and tossed them aside. I threw the mask toward the bathroom and pulled the turtleneck from my body as quickly as I could. I didn't fucking care that the mask was gone, that part of the charade was over. All that mattered was placing my body between her legs, and burying my dick deep inside her waiting sex.

I fucked her like a man possessed. I pistoned in and out of her with determination. I wasn't kidding when I said I wanted her screaming. I wanted her wailing for me. I wanted her so well fucked that she couldn't speak. I wanted her to pass out while I was still inside of her, still fucking her senseless.

She grabbed onto the ropes keeping her arms down and squeezed them until her knuckles were white. Her head thrashed from side to side. Her tits shook violently every time I slammed into her body. We were riding the thin line between pleasure and pain, but I wouldn't stop unless she said the words. All she did was chant, "green, green, green," loudly, between my thrusts.

My knees hurt, my back hurt, my whole body was aching at the strain of keeping up the mad pace I had set.

"You fucking come for me!" I screamed, finally.

As tears rolled down her face, I placed the heel of my rough hand against her clit and pressed down hard. She bucked her hips. So, roughly, without mercy, I pressed and rubbed at her clit with ferociously. I wouldn't last, I couldn't; everything was too good and too painful at the same time.

She screamed for me. She screamed loudly. It was gibberish, but it didn't matter. I felt her walls crash around my dick before she shook violently and released her warmth onto my aching shaft. She hollered my name as she came. I called out hers as I came hard, doubled over in agony and relief. Comets, I saw comets.

She went limp beneath me, nothing more than dead weight. I felt heaviness in my limbs, but I pulled out slowly, the mere action causing me suck in a breath as I was so sensitive. I looked at my beautiful girl. Although she could barely keep them open, there were tears in her eyes.

"No tears, beautiful," I pleaded.

"Yes, sir," she said between breaths, a sly, sexy little smile playing on her lips.

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**A/N**

**Phew. Well... so, ya. Shower anyone?**

**The response to the last chapter was amazing! It really, really was. Now I'm not complaining, but being a FF writer means I'm rev-whore... can you give me what I crave? **

**Reviews are better than masks and leather.**


	16. Chapter 15, Home for Christmas

**Sorry for the massive delay guys. Issues with FF all week long. I couldn't upload a thing! Huge thanks to Southernlady23 for giving me the solution!  
**

**A major thanks to HollettLA for once again, dealing with my miserable comma skills. **

**Thanks for killer reviews last chapter, peoples. Everyone was just as hot, bothered, sweaty and turned on as I was. YAY!**

**How about some shameless sweetness this chappie?**

**I don't own, I just play.**

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**Chapter 15, I'll be Home for Christmas**

**EPOV**

"I know, Dad. I miss you, too."

I was doing my best not to eavesdrop, but since Bella was at the stove and I was at the kitchen table "reading" the morning newspaper, there wasn't much I could do about overhearing her conversation.

"He's good. We both are."

Bella told Sue about me the day after Thanksgiving. She was thrilled that Bella was happy and seeing someone, but furious that she hadn't told her about me sooner. Personally, at the time, I was just terrified by the prospect of her father finding out. He carried guns…

"I don't know, Dad. I know how long it's been; you don't have to keep on reminding me. You're getting to be as bad as Sue."

And so it was every time she called them. Sue was heartbroken that Bella hadn't come home yet. It was pushing eight years and I knew it was eating everyone up inside. Not only were her parents upset about it, but I could tell how miserably Bella missed them. It had been almost three years since she had seen them.

"He thinks it's time, too."

My first conversation with Charlie Swan right after Thanksgiving was... special. At first, he was the protective father. _What were my intentions toward his daughter? Could I provide for her?_ Protective dad switched to fucking scary dad in the blink of an eye, though. _If I ever so much as pulled a hair out of her head, he knew twenty-two ways to kill me._ Turned out, not only was Charlie a detective with the Santa Fe Police Department, but he was an ex-Marine, too. Once he put the fear of God in me (and how!), he pulled a 180. He told me he hadn't heard Bella sound so alive and happy since before her Mother died. He wanted to meet me, shake my hand. He made me promise to figure out a way to get his little girl home and soon. How could I say no to that?

"Hi Sue. You got them already? That was quick. I didn't think you'd get my presents until a few days before Christmas."

It was two weeks before Christmas. I had struggled with what to get Bella. Jewelry seemed silly since she made her own. Bags? She had Rose for that. Clothes and shoes? Well, Alice had that pretty much wrapped up, too. Not that Bella needed fashion help, but Alice couldn't help herself when she saw something she knew Bella would look good in. There was one thing I knew she wanted, but would never admit it to herself or anyone else. It was a huge risk, though.

"Ya, he's here," Bella walked toward me and handed me the phone. "Sue wants to talk to you."

"Okay, thanks," I put the phone to my ear. "Hi, Sue."

"Edward, just say yes or no. Is she still there with you?"

"Yes."

"Shit. Okay, well is everything set?"

"Yes."

"And you'll be here the day after Christmas?"

"That's right."

"I hope she lets you get away with this."

"Me too, Sue."

"I just checked out the house. Of course, I don't have the keys, but I snooped around anyway."

"Okay, and?"

"Oh, it's stunning, Edward. It looks like a real home, not a rental or anything. I wish I had the keys though, I could stock the fridge for you."

"That's not necessary."

"Oh hush, yes it is! You're bringing our little girl home to us!"

"Yes," I said more calmly that I felt. For all we knew, Bella could refuse the trip.

"Oh, I know what I'll do! I'll go down the rental office and get the spare set from them. If they refuse, I'll just have Charlie intimidate them a little - he's good at that." Yes, he certainly was.

The rental company had sent me the house keys a few days ago. I didn't know how long Bella would want to stay, but I rented the house out for six months. I figured, if things went well, she could go down and visit whenever she wanted. She needed time to reconnect with her parents and her first home, and I was willing to be as involved or not as she wanted me to be.

"Okay, Sue, would you like to speak Bella again?"

"Sure would. See you soon, Edward!"

I could hear the sunshine in her voice. I envied her optimism.

I handed the phone back to an amused looking Bella. I tried hard not to look at her as I spoke with Sue, not wanting to give anything away. Bella said her goodbyes, then put the phone down.

"How is that you have this great relationship with my parents, who you haven't even met yet by the way, but don't even breathe a word about yours?"

"I'm not ashamed of you, if that's where you're going with this."

"What? Where did that come from?" Bella asked, with a laugh.

"You know, in books, TV shows, and movies when the guy doesn't introduce the girl to his parents, she automatically thinks it's because he's ashamed of her," I shrugged.

"A little credit, please, Edward. I'm not some skinny, babbling, insecure teenager."

"Good. And before you ask, no, it's not because I'm embarrassed by them, either. We just aren't close anymore, that's all. I really only speak with them once a year."

"Hmmm, one day, Edward Masen."

"Hmmm, one day what, Isabella Swan?" I teased.

"One day, when everything is out in the open, and I do mean everything, we'll be working on that once a year nonsense."

"You're one to talk," I mumbled under my breath, thinking of her self-induced exile. Of course, I was ashamed I had even thought it a second later.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Breakfast ready?" I asked, changing the topic as quickly as humanly possible.

"Honey or jam?"

"Jam, please."

A moment later, the table was covered with toast, eggs, jam, butter, coffee, juice, and turkey bacon. I never asked Bella to be little Susie Homemaker, but she assured me that she genuinely enjoyed it. Who was I to ruin her fun?

"I have a surprise for you later."

"Oh ya?"

"Ya."

"Am I going to hate you for it?"

"Shit, I hope not. It was a bit of a logistical nightmare."

"For who? You or Alice?" she laughed.

"For both of us, smart-ass," I mock-scowled at her.

"How long do I have to wait for this surprise?"

"Just be ready at eight and bundle up."

"Okay, eight it is. Should I worry about making dinner?"

The utter domesticity of it all made my head spin and not in a bad way. I went from being sure I would be alone the rest of my life, to asking the woman I loved what we were having for dinner on a near-nightly basis. After Christmas, and hopefully after Santa Fe, I'd ask Bella to move in with me, but I didn't want to overwhelm her. Also, I didn't think I could handle her refusing my offer if it wound up she was furious with me for setting up everything in Santa Fe.

"No, I've got that covered, too."

We spent the day not doing much at all. Bella sketched out some new pieces she wanted to make. I made a few calls. We ate lunch, cleaned up, took a nap together, and slowly got ourselves ready. It was a conversation that I had with Alice the week previous that had gotten me thinking and planning the evening.

_"It really makes me sad. She brushes it off as if it's no big deal, but really, she's been completely alone for seven years. She's had Jake of course, but that's only one person and he has his own life."_

_"What are you rambling about?"_

_"Do you realize it's been almost eight years since Bella celebrated Christmas with anyone? Eight years since she's decorated a tree, opened presents on Christmas morning, or even sung a stupid carol?"_

_"It's been almost eleven for me, what's your point?"_

_"My point, you big doofus, is that your solitude is self-imposed. Hers isn't. She didn't choose to be a recluse and miss out on all the silly holiday fun, you did."_

And, annoyingly, as she tended to be, Alice was right. I had chosen a solitary, quiet life, Bella didn't or at least, not entirely. I knew how much Bella was sacrificing to be with me. I didn't want her missing out on Christmas, too. It wasn't that I disliked holidays, I just hadn't had a reason to celebrate them before Bella. It took a lot of scrambling and calling in some major favors, but in the end, Alice and I had organized a perfectly cheesy, perfectly ridiculous, Christmas-time-in-New-York night.

After making sure she was well layered, perfectly comfortable, and bundled up tight, (and after she did the same for me), we were out the door. It wasn't very often that we went out together, but the fact that it was both dark and winter was to my advantage. I could cover up with hoods, hats, gloves, and scarves and no one had to know what I looked like underneath it all. She was pleasantly surprised when instead of stepping into a waiting car, I led her to the park.

Waiting at the entrance was a horse and carriage.

"Edward, you didn't!" She exclaimed when I held my hand out to help her up.

"I did. Get up and enjoy the ride with me."

When we were seated, side-by-side, the blanket the driver provided covering our legs, she cuddled up to me and I wrapped my arm around her body.

"This is so fantastically cheesy, Edward," she practically giggled as we started our drive.

"I have more in store for you, beautiful," I said before kissing the top of her hat-covered head.

There were little contended sighs and more than one set of "I love you's" exchanged on our ride through the park.

"Alice and I used to do this every year with our mothers when we were kids."

"The horse and carriage through the park?"

"Yes. Well, that and everything else we'll be doing tonight. It was a tradition until I was a teenager and 'too cool' to do stuff with my baby cousin, mom, and aunt."

"Idiot," Bella said, shaking her head.

"I was a teenage boy and thought I was the shit. Give me a break!"

"So what's 'everything else' we'll be doing tonight, then? What else is part of the long-forgotten tradition?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"Actually? No. I think I'm liking the surprises."

"Good. Do I get a kiss for doing well?"

"You're pretty damn sure of yourself."

"You can't hide that perma-smile you've had plastered on your face since we climbed into the carriage, beautiful."

She sighed, for effect, before turning her head and giving me access to her beautiful face. I kissed her chilly pink lips until they were swollen and warm. I was ready for round two, but, unfortunately, the carriage stopped as we reached the East Side of Central Park. She looked at me and pouted.

I knew how she felt, but I also knew what else was in store.

"No pouting, there's more to come."

I made sure my face was covered again, pulled up Bella's hood, and helped her down from the carriage. After paying the driver, I took Bella's hand and led her onto Fifth Avenue. There were few cities on earth as magnificent as New York at Christmas-time and I was going to prove it to her. Between the lights along the Avenues, the amazing window displays, and the hordes of happy faces, it was hard not be swept up in holiday cheer. We walked down Fifth, taking it all in. It was just past nine when I asked her if she was hungry.

"Starved!" was her answer.

I turned off of Fifth Avenue at 53rd and led her to Burger Heaven. It wasn't the best burger in the city, but it was good nonetheless. Plus, their pie and hot chocolate were always plentiful. I had never taken her to a restaurant before, but I couldn't deny her anything and hoped it would be the first of many dinners out. Of course, what she didn't know was that I had bought out the restaurant from eight thirty to closing, not having been entirely sure when we would be arriving.

After we sat down and started pulling our layers off, Bella seemed to realize that we were alone, except for the wait staff.

"Edward, where is everyone?"

"I bought the place out for the night."

"You what?"

"It's what I've done over the years when I've gone to restaurants. It makes things less stressful for me and, I suspect, the other patrons as well. I hope you're okay with that?"

"I'm… fine, I guess. I just never thought of it before." She thought for moment before saying, "When have you been out to restaurants?"

I laughed a little; I wasn't entirely surprised by the question.

"Business. Sometimes, it's inevitable."

"Right, of course." She said, taking it all in. After a moment of silence though, "Was this part of the tradition, too? Hamburgers?"

I smiled. "Yes. There has to be pie and hot chocolate later, too."

"Deal," she beamed at me.

"You know, I thought you'd be annoyed with me for buying out the place."

"Edward, I'm just so happy that we're out in, well, not exactly public, but you know what I mean. Anyway, I'm just so glad that we're out together, like on a real date, that I don't care what you had to do to make it happen."

A moment later, a waiter dropped off our menus. He did a damn decent job pretending not to stare or notice my face, but I could still feel his eyes on me. The water boy had less tact than the waiter, though. He over-filled a glass, letting the water spill to the floor as he held it. When the cold water hit his hand, he seemed to snap out of it. He apologized, put down the glass, and promptly ran away.

"How unbelievably rude! God, didn't anyone teach that kid manners?"

Bella was furious. I understood her anger. It was never easy when people stared. It hurt every single fucking time. I wasn't some freak-show here for their morbid amusement, after all. It took me years to learn not to snap and say something nasty to those people. The fucked-up bottom line was, I expected it. It never made it easier, but I had to accept it. It still cut like a fucking knife though.

"Now you know why I don't go out often."

"I'm so - "

"Don't you dare, Bella," I cut her off before she could say sorry," and a little more sharply than I had wanted. Taking a deep breath, I continued, "let's just order and enjoy the rest of the night, okay?"

"Yes, of course," she said shaking her head. "What are you getting?" she asked, changing the topic to happier things.

"A burger with everything on it, cheese fries, a cherry coke, pecan pie and a hot chocolate for later."

"Mmmm, that sounds good. Make it two."

I had to laugh.

"You gonna eat all that, little girl?"

"Little girl? Little girl! Bring it on, big boy!"

Two burgers with every fixin' imaginable, two plates of cheese fries, an endless parade of cherry cokes, two slices of pie with whipped cream, and two hot chocolates later though, neither of us were in the mood for any more bets.

"Can't breathe. Or move. Or think." she moaned.

I was just as stuffed as she was, but I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of admitting it.

"Well, we have plenty more to do tonight, beautiful. I suggest you take a bathroom break then get ready for more."

"Right…bathroom…sounds good."

The second she got up and turned the corner, I unbuttoned my jeans and moaned myself. Having already paid the restaurant earlier in the week, I waddled to the bathroom, bundled up, covering my face and hands once more, and then made my way outside to wait for Bella. She joined me a few minutes later, took my hand and squeezed.

"Where to next?"

"The tree at Rockefeller Center."

"I don't ice skate. It's not pretty. I tried once. In my defense, though, I lived in the desert most of my life."

"No ice skating, promise. We're just going to stare at the tree a bit, alright?"

"Yes, perfectly okay. I need a little walk after all those fries."

We took our time. We weren't due at our last stop until 11 P.M. and it was only ten. The tree was nice, but just being with Bella, out in the open, unafraid of stares or snickers, was even better. She wrapped her arm around my waist and I wrapped my arm around her shoulders. She fit there, snuggled into me. We reached the tree and took in the lights, the ice skaters beneath us, and the carols being pumped through the sound system.

Was it cheesy? Yes. Was the cheese worth the look on her face? Definitely.

It was almost eleven and time for our final stop.

"Ready, beautiful?"

"Yes. Where now?"

"Bloomingdale's."

"Bloomingdale's as in the department store?"

"Yup."

"But it's," she checked her watch, "almost eleven, it can't possibly be open."

"It is for us."

"Edward, what did you do?"

"I made some calls, pulled some strings, and threw some money at the right people."

"You're not secretly a mobster or something are you?"

"No. Why, would that have excited you?"

"Maybe... I could see you in a pinstripe suit, though. Hair slicked back... mmm..."

"Are you really fantasizing about me while walking side-by-side with me?"

"Hell, yes. You don't know Italian, do you?"

"_Questa è la mia offerta finale, bellissima_," I said, slowly.

"Damn, that was hot. What did you just say? The _bellissima_ part I know, of course."

"I said... 'that's my final offer.'"

She hit me playfully.

"Way to deflate a girl's fantasy, Edward. You could have lied, you know."

I laughed. "Sorry. I'll lie next time, promise. I only know enough Italian to be intimidating in a business deal." Suddenly I felt like calling Rosetta Stone and perfecting my language skills, though.

We reached Bloomingdale's and were ushered inside by the store manager.

"Mr. Masen, a pleasure."

"Thank you," I said, unwrapping myself and pulling my hood down. To his utmost credit, he didn't even flinch.

"Edward, what are doing here?"

"Well, the final part of the night when we were kids was going to the Christmas store inside Bloomies and picking out a new Christmas ornament for the tree."

"That's very sweet, but neither of us have a tree," she stated, truthfully.

I smiled, "Yes, we do. Lydia and a few of the doormen should have already set it up. It'll be waiting for us when we get home."

She stopped, turned, and looked right at me.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes, beautiful. We'll need a lot of ornaments, though. I don't even have one."

Her eyes started to water. I leaned over and kissed her cheek.

"No tears, beautiful. Come on, we have some work to do."

"Do we get to pick out lights?" she asked, happily.

"Yes, we do."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

When we stepped into the Christmas store, even I had to smile. It was amazing, colorful, and glittering. We spent two hours throwing whatever pretty, sparkling thing caught our eye into our baskets. By the time we were done, we had five bags filled with boxed up glass baubles, twinkle lights, ribbon, a tree topper, and even a skirt. It was past one A.M. when we reached the lobby. The manager was waiting for us on Madison Avenue with a cab ready to go. We thanked him and made our way home.

The night had been an incredible success. Although we were tired, when we walked in and the long forgotten, but still familiar, smell of pine hit us, we couldn't help but unpack everything and decorate the tree. It was almost sunrise by the time we were finished. We watched the sun illuminate the city with twinkling lights illuminating the apartment.

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Christmas morning and I was a wreck. Bella made us a special holiday breakfast complete with steamed, figgy pudding. It was delicious. After breakfast though, it was time for gifts and I couldn't help but fidget. Bella kept telling me to calm the hell down, that whatever I got her she would love, but I wasn't so sure.

We started with friends and family gifts first. A bottle of very expensive aged scotch from my mother and father, some private massages from Alice and Jasper. There was a beautiful scarf and several jars of hot sauces, pepper jellies, blue corn pancake mix, and other Southwest treats from her parents. From Alice and Rose, there was a box of "toys" that I was anxious to try out. Apparently all the girls got each other personalized sex toys. From the amount of leather in Bella's box, I could only assume she had shared our little foray into S&M. I could have been annoyed, but I was too excited to test out some extraordinary looking toys on her to care.

When it was time for our gifts to each other, Bella made me go first. The first gift was silly, but sweet - a collection of John Hughes movies. I was really glad I hadn't thought of it myself, then we would have had two copies. Her second gift choked me up, but perhaps not in the way she thought. I opened a long thin box to find a fine, black leather cuff. There were two aged copper snaps at both ends and a red leather suede underside. Of course, it was the initials "E.M." stitched into a beautifully elaborate embroidered crest that was the star.

I was silent for a long time.

"Do you like it?"

I needed another moment.

"I did some research on your family name and found the historically accurate crest and everything," she said, proudly.

That little admission didn't help the churning guilt inside.

"Umm..." she said, nervously. "I had Rose make the cuff, but she told me where I could have the crest and your initials sewn in," she continued, sounding a little sad and worried.

I had to say something. She thought I didn't like it. Truth was, I loved it. I really did. I had every intention of wearing it. But it was the lie that was killing me. True, technically I was Masen. But the further truth, the more accurate truth, was that I was a Cullen and that was something she wasn't privy to, was it? And whose fault was that? Mine and mine alone. It was my confession to make and I had waited so long, that it no longer felt like a small detail, but instead had grown into a big fucking deal.

"You don't like it, do you?" She said, crestfallen.

I placed the box on the floor, grabbed her head with both hands, and kissed her for all I was worth.

_Please love me, no matter what,_ I was trying to say. _Please, no matter how evil my past was, look past it,_ I pleaded as I sucked on her bottom lip.

When I pulled my lips away from her, she was breathless.

"Bella, this is the most intimate gift I've ever received. I'm..." _not Edward Masen, though_.

"You're?" she asked, hopefully.

"Moved. Incredibly moved. Help me put it on?"

She lit the fuck up. She was brighter than all the fucking lights on the damn Christmas tree. I felt incredibly nauseous. She snapped the cuff onto my wrist and spun it around so the crest faced up.

"It fits! I'm so glad. Rose and I actually used Emmett's wrist as a guide," she chuckled.

"It's perfect, thank you isn't enough." It really wasn't.

"You're welcome. It looks good… sexy, even."

"I don't know about that, but it looks good."

We sat in silence for a few moments, both staring at my wrist.

"So... do I get this gift your so anxious about?"

"Yes, but not yet. Open this first."

I got her something that I knew she would love, just in case she hated the real gift. I didn't want her to feel cheated on Christmas, after all. I remembered her saying once that her favorite chef was the Australian equivalent to Martha Stewart. She had a magazine and everything, but it didn't have an American distributor and was therefore ridiculously expensive and difficult to get in the US. I figure out who she was talking about, Donna Hay, and got her a subscription to the magazine and two of her books. Slyly, I was going to have the magazines sent to my apartment. It was silly, but I was hoping it might be further incentive for her to move in with me when the time came for me to ask.

"EDWARD! OH MY GOD! This is perfect! Oh, I can't wait, I LOVE her!" She was absolutely ecstatic. I was relieved, but only momentarily.

"I'm so glad, beautiful. Ready for number two?"

"Yes, but seriously, this was enough! I can't wait. I think I might actually save them... buy one of those magazine boxes and everything."

I nodded and smiled as I handed her the manila envelope, too anxious to say anything.

"Another envelope? You got away easy with the wrapping, huh?"

"Ya," I said, nervously.

She opened it, pulled out the print-out of the rental house, and looked utterly confused. She looked at me, brow furrowed.

"I don't get it. What is this?"

"It a house I've rented, for you... for us. We have it for six months so you can come and go as you please. Sue's promised me she already stocked the fridge. It has TVs and computers and everything. All we really need to bring are some clothes."

"Sue? Sue stocked the fridge?"

"Yes, Bella."

"The house is in Santa Fe?" she asked, shocked.

"Just outside, actually. It's only about fifteen minutes from your parents, or at least that's what Charlie told me."

"Charlie told you?" She sounded confused or maybe just overwhelmed. "What about work?" she suddenly asked, panicked. "My job? My apartment?"

"Lydia can check on your apartment if you want and Alice called your boss. You haven't taken a single day off since you started there. Are you aware of that? Anyway, he was very cool with it, said you could take two weeks off if you wanted, he's already found someone to cover."

She stood slowly and walked toward the windows silently. Then, suddenly, severely, she spun back toward me.

"Do you mean to tell me that, behind my back, you, Alice, Sue, and Charlie just decided that I needed a trip to Santa Fe? That the four of you just arranged my life for me? Put my job on hold, without my consent... I'd bet everything I own that Alice already packed for me, didn't she?"

When I didn't answer, she got angrier.

"DIDN'T SHE?" Of course, Alice had, but that was neither here nor there.

I noticed almost immediately though, that she hadn't said no. She hadn't once said she didn't want to go. She had glossed over the gift entirely and instead was focusing on frivolous details. Was she honestly trying to convince me that she was annoyed that we had arranged everything for her? She wasn't that good of an actress and I wasn't fucking buying it.

I stood up very calmly.

"I can see that you're upset right now, beautiful," I said, trying calm things down. "I need to ask you something, though, and you need to be honest with me."

"Ha! Honesty, well that's rich coming from you," I ignored her attempt at goading me. "What the hell do you want to know?" she spat at me.

"Are you actually angry at all of us… or are you scared?"

Her shoulders dropped, her face fell, all the seething energy she had seconds ago seemed to simply fizzle.

"I'm not scared," she started, unable to look me in the eyes. "Edward, I'm so terrified I don't even know what to do with myself."

My arms were around her less than a second later. I held her to me and let her cry and shake. I couldn't understand what she was going through, but she didn't have to suffer it alone, not anymore.

"I won't leave your side for even a moment. I promise. The second you tell me it's too much, we're gone. Do you understand me? I'll be there every step of the way."

"I...can't hold...your hand...the whole time," she squeaked out between tears and shaky breaths.

"Yes, you fucking can."

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**Next chapter: Santa Fe, Charlie, Sue, and memory lane for Bella... it won't be easy.**

**Reviews are better than hot chocolate and pecan pie at Christmas-time.**


	17. Chapter 16, Homecoming

**Thanks to TheOtherBella and HottlettLA for their help, as always. They make my chapters all growned up like big girl chapters! Hehehe.**

**I am so in love with my readers. You guys are enthusiastic and involved and I love it! Please don't stop.**

**_Rinpoche__ (rin-po-chay)_ = an exalted Buddhist teacher.**

**I don't own, I just play.**

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**Chapter 16, Homecoming**

**BPOV**

The cruelest part of my mother's suicide was that it didn't kill me in return. Instead, I was reduced to being tortured with question after question. "Why?" was the most prevalent. I thought I could run away. I thought if I put enough distance between myself and the air she once breathed, I could survive. I was fooling myself. Nothing, not my tattoo, not distance, not the systematic forgetting of memories would take away the pain.

I tried to sleep, but it was in vain. I thought if I could sleep through the flight, then somehow the memories would simply leave me alone. But, of course, I couldn't sleep. And, of course, the memories came.

"_Bella? Bella! Where are you?"_

_I was sniveling in the corner of the changing room. It was all my fault. I was a catastrophe in a tutu. I wanted to hide. I could live out the rest of my days behind the sequins and velvets on the clothing rack in front of me - I didn't know how, but I would figure it out. _

_"Bella, sweetheart, come out. Come on now, you're scaring Mommy."_

_I curled myself into an impossibly smaller ball and covered myself in a piece of sheer blue silk. I knew she'd be able to see me, but at least I attempted to hide my shame and guilt and embarrassment. I could hear her footsteps; she had to be mere inches from me._

_"Bella, please. I need to see you, my love. I need to know you're okay!" _

_She sounded panicked. She was actually scared? At seven years old, that was too much for me to take. _

_"I'm here, Mommy," I whimpered from my blue silk hidey-hole._

_Then there were warm hands, warm arms, and a lap. My mother had found me, sat down, and pulled me into her body. I couldn't help but let my tears fall._

_"There, there, now. Go ahead and cry."_

_And I did. _

_"We can't stay here forever, Bella. You're going to have to face them eventually, you know that, right?"_

_"But they hate me!"_

_"I doubt that. They might be upset right now, but tomorrow's another day. They're your friends; they're probably worried about you, just like I was."_

_After my twirl, I got disoriented and wobbled backward right into the cardboard tree. The tree fell down, knocking over the cardboard grass and flowers, which knocked over the cardboard bunnies, which knocked into Julie, who tumbled down taking down the entire class, who were all standing side-by-side. It was a disaster and I ran off stage to hide. _

_"No. They hate me."_

_"Is that what you want? You want them to hate you?"_

_"No! I want them not to be mad at me. I want them to still be my friends!" I wailed. _

_"What does Rinpoche Tichen say about negative thoughts?" _

_Rinpoche Tichen was one of our Buddhist teachers at the center. He was usually the one who worked with all the kids. He was scary sometimes, but he was hard not to pay attention to. I'd never seen anyone so still before... for a kid who was always falling down and tripping over her feet, that was something to look up to._

_"He says that negative thoughts are doomed to come true if you feed them."_

_"Do you think you're feeding them right now?"_

_I buried my head into my mother's chest and nodded._

_"So what are you going to do?"_

_I thought about Rinpoche and how still he always was. Whenever we started to wiggle around and get antsy he would hush us gently, then tell us to close our eyes. _

_I did._

_He would tell us to imagine a small ball of gold light in our stomachs._

_I did._

_He would tell us to take deep breaths._

_I did._

_He would tell us to imagine that ball of light growing bigger and bigger with every breath._

_I did._

_"Imagine the light filling all your body. Imagine the light coming from your fingertips, your head, your feet, and lighting up the world around you."_

_And I did. And I was calm again. I was ready to wipe my eyes, stand up, and apologize._

_"You seem better now, sweetheart. What changed?"_

_"I'm all gold and lighting up the world!" I exclaimed happily._

_"Yes, you are, my love. You certainly are."_

I hadn't imagined myself as gold light since college. It seemed so silly when I was 18. It was baby stuff and I was a big bad grown up by then. And anyway, I had been mediating and learning about Buddhism since I was a kid, being around a bunch of college kids who were just discovering it and being all pretentious about it, was a massive turn-off. Maybe, it was time to find that part of myself again.

"Bella?"

I turned my head to see a very concerned looking Edward.

"Yes?"

"Just tell me you're okay?"

"I'm okay, why?"

"Because you're crying, beautiful."

I reached up to my face; it was wet. I _had_ been crying. Maybe... maybe I had been meditating in my own way and hadn't even realized it? I remembered those nights spent in Garrett's chair, being tattooed. I remembered running through memories then, too. And just like I had been in the plane, I had cried without really being aware of it. Some part of what my mother instilled in me was still there, no matter how hard I had tried to throw it away.

I looked out the window, I knew we were close. There was the desert. There was that color of sky that didn't exist anywhere else. Instead of panicking, though, something felt right. Something felt good and comforting. Something felt like a gold light in the pit of my stomach. That gold light was ready to expand and shine. Maybe it was time to let it.

It was just past twilight when we landed in the private airport outside of Santa Fe. I was glad that Charlie and Sue weren't there to meet us, actually. I was handling everything better than I thought I would, but seeing them so suddenly would have been difficult.

A new, shiny black pickup truck was waiting for us. Edward had nixed the idea of driver while we were there since he had a "native," me, to guide us around. Even so, the rental house's address had already been programmed into the GPS; Alice had thought of everything. As Edward drove, the night got darker and darker. We arrived at a beautiful, single story adobe house on a private road. Sue must have left the lights on for us, because the house was welcoming us in with warm light. I stepped out of the car, in something of a daze, and took in a deep, deep breath.

Sage, earth, ozone... Mom.

I heard doors opening and closing, then beeps, before I felt Edward beside me.

"Let's go in, it's freezing out here."

I followed him in and was momentarily awed. The house was stunning. Everything was just so perfect - the furniture, the walls, the art, the incredible rugs. I couldn't have dreamed up a more perfect southwest-style house. There was a pool someplace, along with a garden, and miles upon miles of private desert acreage out back. I was still staring at everything around me when I heard Edward yelling from someplace.

"I found the master!"

"Be right there!"

I made my way down one hall with beautifully appointed bedrooms and down another with various other rooms. The master bedroom was at the back. Although it was getting darker by the minute, I could still make out a great expanse of nothing but desert behind the French doors.

"Can you cut the lights please, Edward?"

I stepped through the back doors into the night. As soon as the bedroom lights were off, I was in semi-darkness. A few moments later, I was in complete darkness. Edward must have turned off all the lights in the house. There was no shade of black like desert-black. At first, it's blinding. Then slowly, oh, so slowly, the stars became visible, the moon spread a thin veil of blue over everything, and the mountains in the distance glowed. A moment longer, the sounds of the desert were singing.

I couldn't remember why I kept myself away for so long. I could feel my shoulders relax. My heart slowed. My breathing was deep. I felt so at ease, so right. Shame on me for not allowing my body the healing air, smells, and sounds that were my desert. Some small part of me was coming back to life - a part that I had been determined to kill slowly and painfully.

My mother was everywhere, though, just as I had feared. However, when I saw her in the moonlight chanting at some invisible goddess, I thought, "So what?" What was so wrong about that again?

"I've never been anywhere so... black before," Edward whispered beside me.

"Give it a minute, black will turn to shades of blue."

"Wow," he whispered a few minutes later.

"Agreed... why are you whispering?"

"I don't really know. I just don't want to ruin the peace here."

Peace. Huh, peace. Is that what I was feeling? Peace? Not quite. Not yet. Maybe soon, but not yet.

"I've never been anywhere so expansive and empty."

"I feel like I can breathe for the first time in years, Edward."

"Does it hurt?" he asked, cautiously.

"No. It doesn't hurt, exactly. But I feel a heaviness that I can't seem to shake."

I took his hand and followed him inside. After some fumbling, I closed the door while he found a bedside lamp and turned it on. I was finally able to take in the room. Wooden beams, large bed with a fluffy white down comforter. A fireplace, chairs by the French doors, more beautiful rugs... it was perfect.

"This place is stunning. I shudder to think how much it's costing you."

"Don't think about it, it's nothing, Bella."

I had no doubt that for him, it was nothing. To me, it was almost overwhelming.

"You look so beautiful right now. I mean, you always do, but there's something different about you right now... it's like you're glowing."

_Imagine a small ball of gold light in your stomach._

He walked toward me.

_Take deep breaths._

His hand cupped my cheek.

_Imagine that ball of light growing bigger and bigger with every breath._

He kissed my forehead.

_Imagine the light filling your body._

His other hand rested on my hip and squeezed gently.

_Imagine the light coming from your fingertips and lighting up the world around you…_

He lowered his head and kissed my lips.

_...your head, your feet..._

My heart thumped in my chest, my calm, even breath speeding up in anticipation.

_...and lighting up the world around you._

When he kissed me again, a searing heat enveloped me.

"Tell me to stop and I will. Tell me this isn't the time and place, Bella."

"I can't."

"Shit, I shouldn't do this to you, now."

I mimicked his hand and placed it on his hip, then pulled him toward me.

"Why not?" I whispered, turning my head as he kissed my neck.

"There must be a million things running through your head right now."

"All forgotten, just love me."

"I always love you."

He walked me backward toward the bed. When I felt the frame behind my knees, I fell onto it. Edward maneuvered himself to land beside me. He traced a single finger down my neck, around my nipple, and further down to the button of my jeans. As he kissed me, he unbuttoned my jeans, pulled down the zipper, and wiggled his hand between me and my pants. When he could feel how hot I was, how moist he made me, he groaned.

"Off. I need them off," he practically growled.

I pulled and pushed with my feet and in moments my jeans were off. I toed off my socks and was about to pull down my undies, when he stopped me.

"That's my job, beautiful."

True to his word, he kissed my stomach just above the elastic band then slowly pulled my panties from my body. When my legs had stopped fidgeting from anticipation, I made quick work of my shirt and bra, carelessly tossing them someplace.

"I'll never get over it, never."

"Get over what?" I asked, as he raked my body with hungry eyes.

"How the fuck I managed to get you. You're too beautiful, too sexy, too amazing for me."

How exactly do you respond to something like that without sounding trite or conceited? I didn't know, so I didn't speak.

"Move back and open your legs."

Seconds later, "Christ, you're fucking glistening for me."

I could have sworn he mumbled something along the lines of "don't fucking deserve it," but my head was too hazy and hopped up on hormones to actually pay attention.

A warm breath tickled my sex and I damn near lost it. When his tongue licked my clit, I cried out. As he continued to lick and suck, I thought of that light, that golden light illuminating every inch of me. He said I was glowing, could he see it? Could he see me glittering gold? I felt as precious as gold as I came, waves of warmth and light passed through me.

When he entered me, he shuddered, and then froze.

"Too... good..." he said through grinding teeth.

I stayed perfectly still, relishing the feeling of him filling me, stretching me. He twitched inside me and I bit my tongue instead of moaning his name. His first thrust was small and deliberate. I squeezed my walls around his shaft, letting out that moan I had held in only second before. Another thrust, less careful, more powerful. He was going achingly slow. I could feel his head, the solid flesh of his shaft, his sac as he pressed in and out of me.

"Touch yourself, beautiful," he asked, after he worked up to his regular speed.

I reached between us and felt him slide in and out of me, lubricating my finger. When I touched myself, it was almost painful. It was too much - too swollen, too hot. But the look of lust on his face urged me on. Looking at him, as he looked at my fingers working my bundle, was overwhelming. The awe, the love, the pure feral sexuality he oozed... it undid me. As I came, I quivered and shook. As he came, he roared into the air and thrust into me until our pelvises ground against each other.

For once, I knew when my face was wet with tears. He called me beautiful everyday. There was beauty in him, too. Somewhere beneath his mangled skin, beneath the pain, there was a beauty that he would never admit to and only I would ever see. I saw it in that moment and it matched my own golden light.

**EPOV**

We were due at Bella's parents place at eleven for brunch. She was lost in her own little universe. Apart from the world altering sex we'd had the night before, she'd been in that little bubble since we got on the plane. I, on the other hand, was a fucking wreck. She either didn't notice, or I was hiding it really well, because I was a disaster. Her parents knew about the scars and all that, and yes, that made me nervous, but the gravity of "meeting the parents," was what was getting to me.

Charlie was a Marine, a detective, and Bella was definitely Daddy's little girl, but she was also Sue's pride and joy as well. What if I said something epically stupid? What if they hated me in person? What if, despite the fact that they knew about my deformities, they were still disgusted by me? I knew I wasn't good enough for her, no matter what Bella said, but what if they figured that out, too?

I was in the midst of my panicking when Bella told me to make a right into a housing community. We passed adobe houses of various colors and sizes. A left and at the end of the block was a nicely maintained sandy-colored adobe, with a fine array of cacti out front. An American flag flew next to a New Mexico flag at the front door. A cool hand grabbed my own, sweaty one.

"You have noting to worry about. I love you."

"I think I'm gonna vomit."

"Don't be a drama queen, Edward."

She pulled her hand from mine, checked her makeup in the visor, and stepped out of the car. I slapped myself... hard. I shook my head, stepped out of the car, locked it, and joined her by the front door. Bella rang the bell and the unmistakable sound of Sue yelling "COMING!" followed by many small, quick steps. A moment later, the door opened, a split second after that, Bella and I were being squeezed, together, by a pair of small, but sturdy arms.

I heard a deep steady chuckle from beyond the doorway. A tall, strong, ram-rod straight, dark-haired guy, rocking a killer 'stache was shaking his head as he winked at me from the hallway. He screamed authority. He was Charlie.

"Sue, honey. You wanna maybe let the kids breathe? Or step inside out of the cold?"

"Hush up, man! Leave an old woman to her hugging!"

"Well, when she's done hugging, I'll be in the living room, waiting for my turn."

He didn't bat an eye when he saw me. Not a shuddering breath, not a shake of the head, nothing. I respected him for that, more than he would ever know.

"Sue," Bella started, "as much as I love, as _we_ love hugging you, it's freezing out. Think we could come in?"

"Oh fine! Ruin my fun," she said and released us. "Now let me take a good look at you two."

She looked at us, taking everything in. She was shorter than Bella, though not as short as Alice. She was a pleasantly plump woman, with glittering black eyes, long, thick, salt and pepper hair that was piled on her head in a long braid. She was either Native American or Mexican, I couldn't quite tell. She was wearing an intricately woven sweater with Native American patterns on it, which wrapped around her belly with a matching woven tie, and her smile couldn't be ignored. She had the skin of a woman half her age and she radiated such maternal warmth, that I couldn't help but smile back. I had the feeling that we were in for many more squeezes as the afternoon wore on. She took our hands and dragged us into the warm, cozy house.

She took our coats and hung them in the front hall closet before taking my hand and leading me toward the kitchen… without Bella.

"Let's give father and daughter a minute, huh?"

"Sure," I said sniffing. Something smelled incredible. I knew the horror stories of Bella's mother's cooking. I wondered if Sue taught Bella how to cook, from the smell of things, she must have.

As soon as I was seated at the kitchen counter, I got another squeeze.

"You don't know how happy I am that you got our Bella home," she said, emotion dripping from her words.

I let my arms wrap around her body and hugged back.

"It was my pleasure, Sue. She needed this."

"We did, too, Edward. We needed it so much. We were worried we might lose her forever. She was so sad before you."

She pulled away, her eyes were watery. She walked to the sink and pulled off a piece of paper towel before wiping her eyes with it. She looked at me long and hard before taking my hands in hers. She traced the line of a scar across the pad of my thumb. If it had been anyone else, I would have jerked my hand away. But I couldn't do that to Sue. Her curiosity didn't come from a negative place.

"How long ago did this happen?"

"Over ten years."

"We never get over tragedy, not really," she said, sagely.

I shook my head, agreeing, but not saying anything. She was right; nothing ever really made tragedy okay. We stayed like that, my hand cradled in hers, her feeling the bumps and crevices in my skin.

"I think drinks are in order, don't you?" she said happily out of nowhere. "Edward, be a doll and pull the champagne out of the fridge? You open it, I'll get the glasses together."

I was incredibly moved by her immediate carefree hospitality.

I didn't deal with the best kind of people in my day-to-day life. I dealt with the extremely rich; therefore, I dealt with a lot of greed. I dealt with the kind of people who, if it didn't say Bulgari or Gucci, weren't interested. But five minutes with Sue and I knew she was nothing but a good heart. I knew Bella wasn't her biological child, but something had definitely rubbed off on her. Bella applied the same benefit of the doubt when it came to people. To women like Sue and Bella, people were innocent until proven guilty. That was a rare thing in the circles I traveled in. Again, I didn't deserve them, but for some reason they were in my life and I was once again awed by my dumb, blinding, luck.

I found the champagne, tore off the tin, and uncorked it. Sue had a tray with four flutes waiting. I poured and grabbed the tray. I followed her past the kitchen, back across the hall, and into the living room. Before us, Bella and her father were still standing arm in arm, hugging. He was rocking her side-to-side, his head resting on top of her head. His eyes were closed and her back was to me.

I didn't want to ruin the moment. It hit me then, the enormity of the situation. Bella hadn't seen her parents for over two years. She hadn't been back home, to Santa Fe, for over seven years - she had been too afraid of her mother's ghost. But, she was home and could stay for as little or as long as she wanted. Hell, if she gave me the word, I'd buy the house and we could move to Santa Fe - I didn't care, as long as I was with her.

Charlie opened his eyes and saw me staring. He smiled at me. If I didn't know what a tough guy he was, I could have sworn I saw a tear - but Charlie Swan didn't cry... right? When they slowly untangled themselves from each other, I brought the tray over and we all took a glass.

"To my baby being home and to the guy who got her here."

Ten years of isolation from the world had left me cold and bitter. Bella was changing that for me, but being surrounded by a family, as I was just then, was foreign to me. I hadn't been around that much love in a long, long time. It was almost a shock to the system. Champagne finished, Bella helped Sue take the tray back to kitchen leaving me and Charlie in the living room, alone. There was a fire going, comfy furniture, and more than one award, badge, and plaque on the mantle. There were framed pictures and dried chilies everywhere.

"Have a seat, Edward."

"Thank you, sir."

"Please, the newbies in the department call me 'sir'. Call me Charlie."

"Okay... Charlie."

Charlie sat in a large, worn-out leather Lay-Z-Boy. I settled into the couch to the right of him.

"I've seen worse you know."

"Excuse me?"

"I was a Marine, Edward. I've seen my share of horror. I just wanted you know that."

"Thank you," I said, not really understand what I was thanking him for. Later, when I had the time to think about it, I realized it was his was of acknowledging and dismissing the way I looked. It didn't matter to Charlie Swan one bit. I could only imagine what he had seen in his careers. Death, blood, all matter of torture and gore. By comparison, I must have been a beauty queen. It was a roundabout way of accepting me, but I got it in the end.

We made some uncomfortable small talk - sports, weather, Santa Fe, New York. When Bella came to let us know that brunch was ready, we happily shot up and followed her to the dining room.

"Sue, honey, how many more people you expecting?" asked Charlie when he saw the spread before him.

I was thinking the same thing at the time, but didn't say anything. There was enough food for three Emmetts at the table. That equaled roughly ten people. We sat down, ate, drank, laughed, reminisced, told stories, and for the first time in ten years, I missed my own family. I could hardly remember what family meals were like with them, but I missed the comfort that family offered. Although, at the end, before I left, things hadn't been happy or comfortable. I pushed the thoughts from my mind though, and focused on the family in front of me.

When we couldn't eat another bite, Sue packed up leftovers for us. Bella and Sue were meeting up the following day to do "girlie things" and Charlie had asked me to the shooting range with him. I was honored that he wanted to spend time with me but... Even though I was in a strange city, being in public was not someplace I wanted to be. He must have sensed my hesitation, or maybe the look on my face.

"Before you get all shy me, every one of those guys has seen action either abroad or on home turf, a few scars won't scare them. I promise you that, Edward."

I looked at him. He looked me right in the eyes. He was daring me to be brave. I nodded and accepted the offer.

Bella and I loaded up the car and were about to leave when she asked if she could drive. I handed her the keys and settled into the passenger seat. Ten minutes later, I realized we weren't going back to the house.

"Where are we going?"

"There's someplace I need to go if I'm going to be able to enjoy myself here."

"Where's that, beautiful?"

"The place we scattered my mother's ashes."

I wasn't prepared for that. Then again, when would I have been? About twenty minutes later, we pulled into a parking lot. Beyond a small Parks Department house, was an expanse of land that stretched on and on forever. I looked to Bella, she was white-knuckling the steering wheel. I wanted to pull her into me, but seatbelts and consoles were in the way. I made sure the doors were open, walked over to her side, and opened hers.

Carefully, not wanting to hurt or scare her, I pulled her frozen body away from the car, and into my arms. Her arms wrapped around my neck, her legs wrapped around my waist. I held her to me and leaned up against the hood of the car. Her breaths were so shallow and quick I was afraid she would hyperventilate. I squeezed her to me tighter and made calming shushing noises. Didn't help. I was getting more and more worried.

I started humming something. I didn't realize what it was until the words quietly spilled from my mouth.

"_It won't do, to dream of caramel, to think of cinnamon, and long for you."_

It was the Suzanne Vega song that had been playing on Thanksgiving. The same song that had played as we danced with our friends, the night I told her I loved her.

_"It won't do, to stir a deep desire, to fan a hidden fire that can never burn true."_

Her breathing seemed to slow a little. Her arms relaxed slightly.

"_I know your name, I know your skin, I know the way these things begin._"

Her thumping heart slowed, her head shifted.

"_But I don't know, how I would live with myself, what I would give of myself, if you don't go._"

When I heard her hum along with me for the next line, my relief was palpable.

"_So goodbye, sweet appetite, no single bite, could ever satisfy._"

I didn't dare stop singing, not when it seemed to be working so well. By the last verse, she was quietly singing along. I mentally thanked the universe. She finally let her legs drop to the ground and her arms slip away from my neck.

"Welcome back, beautiful."

Silence.

"We don't have to do this, you know. We can go back to the house, take a bath, just relax for a minute. How about it? Hmm?" I asked before kissing the top of her head.

She nodded and made her way to the passenger side. We made it home and I started the bath. We relaxed and soaked together. We ate some leftovers. We watched some TV. She fell asleep on my chest. Eventually I turned off the lights. Her steady breaths lulled me to sleep.

"Edward, wake up, please," I felt a little push to my shoulder. "Edward, please," another push. When I opened my eyes, Bella was sitting on the bed, cross-legged.

"Everything okay?" I asked sleepily.

"I need to go back."

"Okay, whenever you want, Bella."

"Now."

"Now? Bella, it's," I looked to the bedside alarm clock, "three thirty in the morning. Not to mention how cold it's going to be."

"Please. I need to go now. I would go alone, but..." she paused, "I need you with me. I have to go, I have to face it."

She was getting upset again. I could deny her nothing, though.

"Ok, beautiful. We'll bundle up and take blankets with us."

She took in a big sigh of relief.

"I'll see if I can find some flashlights." I thought aloud.

It was almost sunrise by the time we made it to the parking lot. I drove. Bella got out of the car, by herself, and waited for me. It wasn't until my hand was in hers that she moved. We walked past the little security house and were met with a freezing expanse of earth. Light was just starting to tickle the sky around us. As if drawn by a magnet, Bella led to us a spot of earth, stopped, and looked around.

"Here?" I asked.

"Mhmm."

I laid down the thick wool blanket I had grabbed from a guest room. I sat down and pulled her to my lap. It was sad and awkward. We sat in silence watching the sky change colors as the sun rose. It was one of the most exquisite things I've ever seen. Somewhere between burnt orange and soft peach, Bella finally spoke.

"Hi Mom," she started. I could hear her voice warble. "I'm home."

It was difficult for me to sit there and be quiet as she spoke to the woman who had hurt her so deeply. Mother or not, I was angry at Renee.

"I don't know what to say to you anymore. There was a time I was furious. Now I'm just..."

She was just? It took several minutes for her to speak again.

"I'm just sorry you'll never meet Edward. He means the world to me."

Years of pain and avoidance and that's what she has to say? She tells her mother about me? Disgust in my own cowardice crept up my spine. I felt sick.

"I almost didn't come back here. I almost decided it was too painful. I'm glad I did. You ripped out a piece of my heart the day you..."

_K__illed yourself selfishly_, I thought.

"…died. I never thought I'd feel whole again after it. I wasn't for a long time, actually. I was in so much pain that I didn't come home to the desert I love so much. You made me afraid to come home, Mom. That wasn't fair. I don't know where you are, but I want you to thank Edward. He held my hand when you couldn't."

We sat there for a few more minutes. My legs were numb with cold. My conscience was burning with guilt. She laid her heart bare to her mother. Once again, she called me her hero. I had held back parts of myself from her, important parts, but parts that I was too ashamed to share. It had to end, and soon. I couldn't live with myself much longer keeping bits and pieces of myself locked away from the woman I loved. Right then and there though, was about Bella exorcising her demons.

The time for me to exorcise my own demons would come and it would come much sooner than I ever could have anticipated.

* * *

**A/N**

**Don't hate me for the last sentence, please. I warned most of you that it was about to hit the fan. **

**For those of you didn't know until now... it's about to hit the fan.**

**I know, I'm a stinker. On the plus side? I've already started writing the next chappie. It will be up early next week. Maybe even this weekend if I haul ass. **

**Reviews are better than... hmmm. Nothing all that happy this chapter huh? Reviews are like desert sunrises - colorful and affirming.**


	18. Chapter 17, Truth and Consequences

**I know this took longer than I said it would, sorry. I kept fussing with it and re-fussing with it. **

**Thank you as always to two lovely ladies, HollettLA and TheOtherBella. **

**Two exciting bits of news! I was just featured on the Twi-Muses blog in their "Pimp-a-Fic" section. I can't thank them enough for the honor! See it here: http:/www(dot)twimuses(dot)com/2011/04/pimp-fic-bella-and-beastward(dot)html**

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**I want to thank all of you who rev'd in record numbers this past week! Thank you so much for encouraging me and showing your love. **

**I don't own, I just play.**

* * *

**BPOV**

"Edward, can you help me with the grill?" asked Sue.

"Sure, Sue. But I don't want to step on Charlie's toes," Edward answered, politely.

"Oh please. The one time I let that man near the thing, he singed off an eyebrow."

I tried not to laugh. Instead I did one of those half-snort, half-giggle things. I remembered that day very clearly. It was the fourth of July and my father had just bought the new grill. Charlie had no idea how to use it and being a guy, refused to read the instructions. All Sue and I heard was a loud _whoosh_, then Charlie cursing and screaming. We went running to the backyard only to find that he had singed off an eyebrow and was growling at the grill as if it were the enemy. He swore off the thing and hadn't touched it since.

"Not that I'm complaining, Sue. But it's freezing out, are we really going to grill in this?"

"Edward, don't tell me a little cold is gonna keep you away from grilled meat?"

"No, ma'am. If you can take it, so can I." He winked at me before joining Sue outside.

That he was getting along so well with my small, but important, family made me endlessly proud. I loved that he was so sweet around Sue. Then again, she brought out the best in everyone she met; she was infectious that way. The real surprise was his relationship with my father. I was nervous when Charlie took Edward to the gun range. I knew he wouldn't get hurt or anything, but I also knew how anxious Edward got around people he didn't know. Much to my delight, Edward came back smiling.

Just as Charlie had predicted, no one batted an eye. He was amongst soldiers, cops, firemen, and bikers. They were the kind of guys who had seen it all and lived through it. From what Edward told me, besides a few head nods and understanding looks, no one said a word or gave him a second look. It must have been incredibly refreshing for Edward and I was happy for him.

The only thing that Edward complained about was Charlie's questions. He was still uncomfortable about his past, so much so that he hadn't even spoken to me about it in detail. But Charlie, being a detective, had to probe. Plus, he was my dad and it wasn't the first time he had intimidated a guy I was seeing with his insistent questions. Even though Edward assured me that he was alright and understood, I wasn't convinced.

With Sue and Edward out back, I was ready to snuggle into the couch with a book, when my father called me.

"Bella baby, can you come here for a minute?"

"Ya, Dad, just a sec."

I put my book down and walked to the office where Charlie was sitting at his desk, looking at the computer screen. He looked… confused.

"What's up?" I said, sinking into the chair in the corner.

"Is there a reason you two were keeping secrets from me?" he asked. I could tell he wasn't upset, just curious. An upset Charlie was way more intimidating and demanding.

"Secrets? What secrets, Dad?" I asked, curious myself.

"Come on, Bella, it's me, you don't have hide things from me. You know I wouldn't blab."

"I don't hide things from you and I know you would never blab. But I really have no idea what you're talking about."

"Bella, stop the act, okay?" he answered, obviously a little annoyed.

"Dad, instead of playing with words, why don't you just tell me what you think I'm keeping from you?"

He kept reading the computer screen and then it dawned on me. Edward's interrogation and his lack of direct answers gave my father only one course of action.

"Oh my God, Dad! You didn't! You ran a background check on him, didn't you? Is that what you're reading?"

"Bella baby, I don't care how old you are, you're still my little girl. Of course I ran a background check on him." He said calmly, as if it were a perfectly natural pastime.

"Dad," I whined, "how could you?"

"Bella, something wasn't right. Yesterday when we were at the range, the way he was evading my questions was highly suspect."

"Listen to you, 'highly suspect.' This isn't _Law and Order_, this is my life!"

"Exactly! And I have the right to make sure your life runs as smoothly as possible. Lord knows you've had your share of heartbreak, I don't want to see my little girl cry ever again."

I took a deep breath and shook my head. When he was all protective like that, it was hard to be too angry with him.

"Okay, Dad. Thanks, I guess. So what's this big secret you're talking about?"

"The accident and who he is."

"Well, to be honest, he hasn't told me all the details. I didn't want to push, either. It's really difficult for him to talk about."

"You don't know about the fire?"

"Not everything, no."

"I don't want to tell you two how to run your relationship..."

"Then don't!" I said hotly.

"Don't snap at me, Bella," he bit back at me.

And just like that, I was a kid again. I hung my head and apologized.

"Sorry, Dad."

"Bella," he said calmly, seriously, "if this weren't incredibly important, I wouldn't have brought it up."

"Incredibly important? He was in a fire, it disfigured him. What else do I need to know?"

"His name for starters."

"His name is Edward Masen."

"No, Bella, it's not."

"That's not funny, Dad."

"You're right; it's not funny at all."

"Wait, you're serious, aren't you? His name _isn't _Edward Masen?"

"No. Bella, I think you should come here and see what I'm looking at."

I didn't want to. I really didn't. But my arms pushed themselves out of the chair and my legs walked themselves to my father's desk. On the screen were articles, legal documents, pictures, and reports. Charlie stood up, letting me sit in the desk chair. One article in particular caught my attention.

###

**BOSTON ROYALTY LOST IN FIRE**

**Edward Anthony Cullen, beloved and only child of Doctor Carlisle Cullen and his wife, Emse, members of Boston's society circle, is presumed dead after a yacht fire. Only two days away from his graduation from Harvard, Edward Cullen was a popular and well-liked young man. Also lost in the fire were his fellow schoolmates and friends, Michael Newton and Eric Yorkie.**

**Both Mr. Newton and Mr. Yorkie's bodies were found in Boston Harbor by Harbor Patrol; their bodies were burned beyond recognition and had to be identified via dental records. Mr. Cullen's body has yet to be found, but the authorities have not given up the search. Although the yacht was badly damaged, it is apparent that a freak electrical fire was the cause of the explosion. Although some speculate the fire could have been prevented had the boys waited for a member of the crew to take them out into the harbor, it is unsure if even that precaution would have prevented this tragedy.**

**Recently, Viking, the same brand yacht that the Cullens owned, was sued by a couple whose boat was engulfed in flames, seemingly for no reason, while docked in the Bahamas. It is thought that Viking's new X1-33 engine might have something to do with it. The new engine was pushed through testing hastily to be ready for The World Yachting Convention this past January. It seems that instead of going back and testing more thoroughly, Viking went directly into production. No word yet if the Cullens, Yorkies, or Newtons will be seeking legal action.**

**A college fund in the three boys' names has been set up. The families ask that in lieu of flowers, cards, or gifts of any kind, that you please send any donations directly to the fund (see address below).**

**On a personal note, this reporter would like to send his condolences to all the families involved. To the Cullens directly, however, a prayer of healing for a family whose never ending generosity and sparkling example have always made this city and this country proud.**

###

Absorbing what I read took a long time. Doubt kept rearing its seductive head at me, telling me to ignore the words, accidents happen all the time, it could have been any number of Edwards from Boston they were referring to. When I had digested the information though, I physically shuddered. Even with the doubts, I knew instinctively that the Edward Cullen in the article was Edward Masen, my Edward. Of course, that didn't stop the denial from speaking its mind.

"This doesn't mean that he's Edward Cullen, Dad," I said unconvincingly.

He reached around me and pulled up another document. It was something that must have been well buried. Had my father not been a detective specifically looking for it, it never would have seen the light of day again. It was a dispatch report for a Mr. Edward Cullen from Boston Hospital. Mr. Edward Cullen was checked into the hospital at 2:34 A.M. on May 20th, 2001 and was taken out earlier that same morning under the care of his doctor, Carlisle Cullen.

My initial reaction was to act dumb. Ignore the evidence in front of me. But I couldn't. The truth of that matter was that Edward's father had a hand in the cover-up. That somehow between the time Edward had been checked in and checked right back out, Carlisle had made a decision that changed a lot of lives. I was shocked. It was outrageous! It simply couldn't be true! Right?

"How?"

"I don't know anything about Carlisle, but he must be a pretty powerful man to have made that happen."

"But it's all illegal! How did they get away with all this?"

"They never did anything wrong, technically. There was no death certificate; no one said anything to the press about Edward dying. From what I can tell, they simply let the papers and networks run with it. The Cullen family never corrected anyone when people said Edward was dead. Instead, they just kept quiet. Trust me, Bella, if there's one thing that old money is really good at, it's keeping quiet. There's a blurb somewhere about a private funeral at the Cullen Mansion for Edward, but I'm guessing it was all for show."

"But his name! There must be record of his name change or something, right?"

In my head, if there wasn't proof of his name before and after the fire, then it wasn't true. My father pulled up another document, one that I couldn't ignore, no matter how much I wanted to.

"His birth certificate says Edward Anthony Masen-Cullen. He just never used the Masen before, baby. It's easy enough to throw some cash around and get new IDs made... especially if it's your legal name, anyway."

"No..." And there was the evidence in front of me. I couldn't deny it any longer. My Edward Masen was actually Edward Cullen; the golden boy of Boston society who the world thought was dead.

"Bella, he should have been the one to tell you all this," my father said, sounding incredibly disappointed.

I couldn't breathe right. The room simply wouldn't fill my lungs with enough air.

"Baby? Please, take a breath, Bella. We'll go talk to Edward and work this all out. You love the guy, right?"

I kept quiet, not sure what I thought about him. Instead, I focused on my lungs and getting them some much needed oxygen.

"It can't be easy having kept secrets like that for so long. Now, I'm not saying this is all okay, because he lied to you and that makes me incredibly angry. But I know guys who went through worse and have still never said a word to anyone. Destruction changes a man, Bella. I wouldn't know about half the stuff my friends and fellow Marines had been through if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. That's how hard it is to talk about sometimes, baby."

Trying to rationalize with a person who is in shock is difficult under the best of circumstances. But my father trying to rationalize with me right then was useless. I had only recently opened my heart to Edward. I had spilled every last inch of my soul to the man. He had seen me at one of the lowest points of my life. He had saved me from loneliness and anger and depression. He held my hand while I said goodbye to my mother. He had reconnected me to my family. Having Edward in my life was a rollercoaster; part fun, part terrifying. On top of the pain of coming back home, on top of the struggles to make Edward listen and believe in me, I now had to add lies, deceit, secrecy, and a severe lack of trust on his part. I sat there, steeping in it all. The longer I sat, the angrier I became. The more I thought, the more betrayed I felt.

When my anger exploded from my body and made me run, I found myself in the dining room where Edward had just finished setting the table with Sue. He was so fucking oblivious, putting napkins on the plates. He just stood there as if nothing was wrong... as if he hadn't been hiding who he was from me since the second we met. How dare him!

**EPOV**

"You lied to me the entire time? Since we've known each other, you've been lying to me?"

Sue looked between us. Charlie walked in and stood behind Bella, arms crossed.

"What, no I haven't! What's going on here?"

Bella simply stared at me.

"What's your name?"

I was thoroughly confused.

"Edward Masen."

"What's your name?" she asked again, getting angry.

"Edward Masen," I answered quickly, not understanding what was happening.

"Don't fucking play with me."

Bella never cursed. What the hell was going on? When I didn't answer, she asked me again.

"What. Is. Your. Fucking. Name!"

Reality hit me like a Mack-truck. She knew. Worse yet, she knew I hadn't told her. There was no sense in hiding it anymore.

"Edward Cullen," I said, hanging my head.

"Edward Cullen," she said very slowly, letting the name roll on her tongue.

"It's always been Masen, too, though!" I added, pathetically.

"How dare you throw semantics at me!" she spat.

"I'm not trying to be clever, but it's true! My mother's maiden name is Masen!" _Anything, say anything to make this better!_ I thought to myself.

"You shit. Why would you do that to me?"

"I was going to tell you soon!" _Anything, say anything._

"Soon? Five minutes soon or five weeks soon, Mr. Cullen?"

Shit, it hurt so badly. It simply never occurred to me that she would find out on her own. That she would find out before I could tell her. I was so fucking stupid. Her father was a god-damned detective. He asked me hundreds of questions the other day, all of which I had expertly evaded like I had in the past. Of course, he was suspicious. Of course, he told his daughter. I would have done the same thing in his shoes.

"When you gave me the cuff, I knew I had to tell you. I was going to once we got home, too. I just didn't want to overwhelm you while we were here, Bella."

"Good God, that's why my gift upset you so much, it had nothing to with me or the thought behind it at all! It had the wrong initials on it, didn't it?"

"Yes... I mean, no!" I couldn't think straight.

"Well? Which is it, yes or no?"

I had to explain. I had to make her understand before I lost her.

"Bella, when the accident happened-"

"I don't give a shit about the accident," she snapped, cutting me off. "I sure as hell don't give one shit about your scars! I loved you with those scars. I fell in love with a scarred man and I never even thought twice about them. They don't mean anything!"

It didn't escape me that she used "loved"; past tense. But beneath that, my head was screaming _bullshit_; of course the scars meant something, "They mean EVERYTHING!"

"NO, THEY DON'T! You don't get it, do you? You lied to me. Not for a few days either, Edward, for months. You let me believe you were someone that you're not."

"What is this, Romeo and Juliet? That's the issue here, my stupid fucking name? It's just a name! I'm still the same person! Call me 'Albert Einstein,' I'm still me!"

"Right, you're still you. No matter what the hell your name is, you're still a person who kept the truth from the woman he says he loves. You're still a person who didn't trust me enough to explain his past. I gave you every part of me and you couldn't give that back to me, could you?"

She sounded so wounded. And, fuck! She was so right. What the hell was wrong with me?

"It didn't matter to me whether you got the scars from a BBQ grill or saving a child from a burning building. But I did care that you never, not once, lied to me."

The hurt and pain was dripping from every word and all I could do was deny, deny, deny. Like an idiot. Like a chump. Like the fucking coward I was.

"I didn't lie to you."

"You asshole! Yes, you did! What's your name?"

"Edward..." What was my name? Was I Cullen or Masen? I just didn't know anymore.

"Unbelievable. You can't even answer me anymore, can you?"

"I'm still Edward." That much I knew. I would always be Edward.

"And you still didn't have enough faith in me to be honest. What did you think, Edward? That I would run away and turn my back on you?"

"Why not? Everyone else has!"

"Spare me._You t_urn your back on people,_not _the other way around. You turned your back on your cousin, you turned your back on society, and you even turned your back on your own parents."

The truth was bitter, cold, and gut wrenching. Although she didn't know all the details, all the things said, all the mistakes made, all the deplorable behavior both my family and I were guilty of, she was right, that's exactly what I did. I turned my back on everyone.

"You don't know what it's like, Bella," I said sadly, trying to make it all okay.

"Oh now you want my pity? Too fucking late."

"There are things you don't know, things you don't understand."

There were things that I was even more ashamed of than the fire; dark, scary things that no one wanted to know... not even my own head wanted that information anymore.

"Okay, tell me. I'm here now. Tell me. Tell me every little, dirty, fucking detail, Edward."

I couldn't. I was ashamed at my weakness, but I just couldn't tell her everything. The "little, dirty, fucking details," would have hit too close to home for her. She'd had so much thrown at her that the rest of my sad story would have ruined her. Hell, it almost ruined me.

"You can't, can you? Incredible! Your precious little cover was just blown and you still can't tell me what and who you are? Get out."

"Bella, don't do this."

"GET OUT!"

"Please give me time."

"Time to what? Pick and choose what I'm allowed to know about you?"

"Yes... I mean, No... I mean, FUCK!" How did she do that? How did she find the exact words to confound me?

"I need you to leave. I need you to leave right now."

"Bella, let me make this up to you."

"How? By telling me some filtered version of your past? Buying me a house? Buying me every fucking diamond that Tiffany has in its store?"

"No, with my version of everything. The truth… all of it. Just give me a little time, please," I pleaded pathetically. I knew if I told her everything right then and there, I would have shattered her and I couldn't have dealt with that.

"Too late. I know the story. Want to hear it?"

"No." _God, no_.

"You were drunk, you were high, and you took Daddy's fucking yacht out to play."

"Don't do this." Every word made me cringe.

"You were all passed out and weren't alert enough to hear the fire alarm when the engine room caught on fire. Mike and Eric died in that fire instantly. But not you. You were burnt, you were sick, but you were alive. And instead of feeling grateful, instead realizing that you were the luckiest prick on the whole goddamn planet, what did you do? You ran away."

"Stop, please." I could feel my skin burning; I could feel the horror and the unfiltered pain coursing through my limbs as she spoke.

"Then ten years later, you found a fucked up, lonely girl who you realized was just as wounded as you were. So you watched her and saved her one night when she was desperate. You let that lonely girl into your life. And you let her fall in love with you. You let her think you were magical and wonderful and even beautiful in your own way."

Heavy, angry tears were falling down her face. As always, her pain was more excruciating than any burn would ever be.

"Bella..."

"And the whole time, you failed to mention that you were someone else and she wasn't worthy enough of knowing your real name, who you really were, or what you really came from."

She was worthy of everything! The truth of the situation made me panic. She was beyond angry, she was wrecked because of me and good lord, how could I go back to my old life? How could I go back to the empty nights and my empty bed? How could I go back to no laughter or light in my life? How could I ever turn myself off to the world again since she had shown me how beautiful it could be with her?

"I can't go on without you in my life."

She looked appalled and disgusted with me. "Did you just try blackmailing me with suicide, Edward?"

"What? NO! Never, that's not what I meant. I would never..."

She was too upset to listen to me anymore, though.

"I need you gone and out of my life. I need to learn how to forget about you, Edward. Do you understand me?"

I opened my mouth to protest, but she shut me down with her next words.

"And before you insult me further, no, I won't tell anyone who you are."

"I wasn't going to say that, Bella." I said, defeated and weary.

"And do me a favor? You can tell Alice she doesn't have to speak to me right now, either."

There was hope in those words! Right now didn't mean forever. Maybe, in time, she would let me speak to her again!

"Right now or ever?" I asked like a dopey puppy.

"Leave," she seethed.

"We can work this out, Bella, please!"

"Leave, NOW!" She screamed

"Please..."

"LEEEEEEEEEAVE!"

She screamed so loudly and so long that she doubled over and started coughing when her throat couldn't keep up with her rage. Her father was at her side in an instant, keeping her on her feet. The look he gave me was terrifying. I had brought her home, to her family, to heal old wounds. Instead, I opened new ones. How could I? What kind of monster was I? I loved her too much to upset her further. Instead of letting her cool off, I just left. The second I stepped through Swans' front door, I threw up into the cacti.

Later that night, I emailed Sue.

_Dear Sue,_

_Now you know the truth. That I hurt any of you, but especially that I hurt Bella, will haunt me. Sorry will never be enough. I'm terrified for Bella and her health, though. All I want to do is gather her in my arms and sing to her... let her know that it will all be okay and that I'm never leaving. I never will. I'll always be there for her, forever. I love her, Sue. I love her so much that the pain I feel right now, is worst than any fire. The only reason I'm leaving is because I know she has you two to keep her safe. The house is paid up for six months. Please remind her of that. Although I'd rather she stay with you two, we both know she's stubborn. I won't tell you what to do. But, you know how big the rental is... I only hope that if she stays there, you or Charlie will stay in one of the guest rooms? Please? I can't stand the thought of her being alone ever again. My plane leaves in three hours. I'm going back to New York. I regret so many things, Sue._

_-Edward._

When I arrived back at the apartment, the tree was still set up. Its shiny baubles and memories mocked me. I totaled it. I picked it up and threw it across the room. I stomped on the ornaments until they were nothing but dust. I pulled at the lights until I was sure they would never blink again. When I had exhausted my rage, I dragged my feet to the bedroom. I felt heavy, old, and incredibly tired. My empty bed was too empty, though. I couldn't look at it, let alone sleep in it. All I saw was Bella and Bella wasn't coming back. I made my way to one of the guest rooms, instead. Sleep never came.

* * *

**A/N**

***peeks out from behind the couch***

**I really can't think of anything to say, so, I'll just hope for the best here.**

**********Reviews are better than singed eyebrows... duh!**   



	19. Chapter 18, Band Aids

**I am thrilled with the response from the last chapter. In fact, for the first time, I had so many it was too overwhelming for me to answer everyone. So let me say now, how grateful and thankful I am for every single rev!I was a little nervous after reading them, though. I really hope you stick with me everyone. I'm surprised how many of you, (most of you), thought Bella had overreacted. I guess I did my job well, then... everyone loves the beast. We'll get to Bella's POV next chapter, but for right now, here's Beastward. **

**A huge thanks to HollettLA & TheOtherBella for their eagle eyes and most importantly, their incredible support; smooches, ladies. **

**This is the link to the painting mentioned: http:/i1176(dot)photobucket(dot)com/albums/x323/zhivago3/manonbalcony(dot)jpg **

**I don't own, I just play.**

* * *

**EPOV**

There's a painting my mother sent me years ago. I never hung it up. I never truly understood it, or at least I didn't think I did. Every time I looked at it, it made me incredibly annoyed. I wanted to kick it, ruin it forever, but I never really knew why. I think the only reason I never ripped it up, was because it was the original and even I at my worst, I couldn't have destroyed it. When I walked out of the guest bedroom the morning after I got back from Santa Fe, I looked for it. I wanted to see it. It took some searching, but I finally found it in a hall closet, covered by a sheet.

Gustave Caillebotte's "The Man on the Balcony," was in my hands once again.I knew immediately why I needed it so badly, then. I was looking at myself and I finally understood. A man, standing on a balcony, looking out on a city that he hovers above but doesn't interact with. I recognized, too, why it had been so difficult for me to look at it before. I must have, subconsciously, seen the loneliness in the painting. But looking at it that morning, I saw something else so much more painful than loneliness... regret and loss.

I took the painting to my office, propped it on a chair, and stared at it for a very long time.

"You understand, don't you? You lost something precious, too, didn't you? It's you and me now, man. Two guys on a balcony."

I shook my head and laughed. Not out of joy, not out of irony, but out of insanity.

"I'm talking to a fucking painting. Shit."

I can still remember what it was like the first time my life was destroyed. I was angry. I was angry at the world, angry at my family, and angry at myself. I moved away from Boston because I had to. Because despite my gruesome new look, people still might have recognized me. The first time I set my foot into my huge, empty penthouse, I felt like I could breathe for the first time.

I had just finished my stint at a small private clinic in California. It was small enough for my family to buy out completely, yet prestigious enough to satisfy my father. Every single person in that clinic was paid-off for their silence. My parents had seen to that. After the accident I was in constant pain. There are few words to explain what it felt like to be that raw. When any little thing that touched you could send you into a fit of hysterics, where did you sit or sleep? How did you function? The answer is miserably. There was no such thing as comfort in my life for months. It took better part of a year before I was able to leave and start my life anew.

I went to New York because it's faceless. Because it's so easy to disappear in a place like New York. That I had still had some family left there was a helpful convenience. Alice came to the apartment a few days after I arrived. She had seen pictures that my parents sent her, but it was still difficult for her to look at me. She cringed. She tried not to, but I really couldn't blame her, I was hideous. I was also a fucking bastard. I was so angry and violent. I never would have physically hurt her, but I know I scared her a few times.

I was in that empty apartment with nothing but a bed, a couch, and a TV for all of two weeks before I knew I needed help. I had nightmares; the most horrific fucking nightmares of my life. I'd see rivers of blood and skin dripping off of my friends' bodies. They would scream at me and attack me with their charred hands and feet. I would wake up drenched and twisted in the sheets.

I remember the first time I heard them, too. I was in the kitchen getting a glass of water when I heard Mike's voice.

"Dude, when the fuck did Layla get so hot? Cullen, you tap that yet?"

In my shock, I actually turned around expecting to see Mike with his mop of blond hair and All-American blue eyes leering at me. Of course, I didn't see him. All I saw was the new kitchen table and chairs that Alice had ordered. When I woke up the next morning, I could have sworn I heard Eric from my bathroom.

"Edward, you going to that party later? Could be fun."

I was tempted to run to the bathroom, but I knew he wouldn't be there. It got worse, so much worse. Not only did the voices happen more often over the course of a week, but by Thursday, it was a constant replay of that night on the yacht. I could hear them, every fucking word we said, every goddamn laugh, too. Of course, I'd never know what really happened. I was totally fucked up that night, there was really no way of knowing if what I was hallucinating had actually transpired or not.

Alice caught me grabbing at my head one afternoon, yelling at no one. _Make it stop! Make it stop! _I yelled. The final straw, though, was when I held my sleeping pills in my hand contemplating exactly how easy it would be to swallow one too many. I didn't have my vanity anymore, I didn't have my friends anymore, I didn't have my home or my family anymore. One more pill sounded like a really good fucking idea.

I don't know how, but I put down the pills, picked up the phone, and called Alice. Ever reliable, every resourceful, Alice showed up twenty minutes later. She told me that help was on the way and four hours later, I was in a very nice car being driven to a facility outside of Philadelphia. She came with me and helped me check in. Then she left and I was shown my new room for the next four weeks.

That was worst moment of my life... or so I thought.

I had closed myself off for a reason. I calculated and planned every action and emotion. When I got back to New York, I was never more pleasant than I had to be. I was never more useful than necessary. I only said words nice enough to get the job done and nothing more. I never wanted to lose anything ever again. I had lost almost everything once and I knew I couldn't go through that again.

I always thought that if one more thing crashed and burned around me, I would die. If I didn't die, I would jump off something, or swallow something to end it. But I couldn't do that anymore; I couldn't because of Bella. Even if I never saw her again, even if she never spoke to me again, I had to stick around for her. I had to know she was always okay. I couldn't leave the world wondering if one day she'd knock on my door in tears and need me again.

It was pathetic, right? I was a slave to a woman who I would most likely never see again. It didn't fucking matter. Not at all. I'd find a way to keep tabs on her. I'd make sure that until the day I died, she was taken care of. I would make sure that she was always healthy, that she always had everything she ever wanted. And, if one day she met a man and started seeing him, even if it ripped my heart out to watch them, I would. If he so much as tickled her longer than she wanted, he'd be gone.

Seeing as how I wasn't living for myself anymore, I became a ghost. I was there, but not really. I conducted my business and made my deals. I worked out. I ate. I got dressed in the morning; I tried to sleep at night. Lather, rinse, repeat. I think I spoke all of two words to Alice or Lydia in any given day. I just simply lost my will to do anything or to be the person I was. Vanity and family was taken from me the first time around. Sunshine was taken from me the second time. So I lived like the very few life forms on this planet that doesn't need sunshine. I lived in shadows, in caves, under piles of dirt and decay... I was living the bare minimum, but then again, it was all I deserved.

###

_Edward,_

_I'm sorry I haven't written earlier but I've had one hell of a time down here. I don't think I've ever been so furious with that man or more annoyed at Bella. I'll let you know that while Bella and Charlie are at our house, I've been living in the rental in the lap of luxury. That's right. I moved the hell out! The pair of them are as stubborn as mules and I couldn't take it anymore._

_You made a mistake Edward, a real big one at that. I'm disappointed in you. Not only did you hurt Bella, but like it or not, you betrayed Charlie's and my trust, too. That's not something that can be easily fixed. That being said, I can't put myself in your shoes. I don't know what you've lived through and I will never be able to understand what life has been like for you. So I can forgive your secrets... but you really should have told Bella everything much sooner, kid._

_Charlie had no right to abuse his authority and no right to steal your secrets. Bella, being just as stubborn as her damn father, won't see the situation for what it is, either. They have soft spots for each other, Edward. Bella can do no wrong in her father's eyes and Charlie will only every be her daddy, protecting her from the big bad world around her._

_I know how sorry you are. I made Bella read your email. She needed to be reminded of what kind of a man you are. She pretended not to be moved, silly girl. I know her better than that, though. She was incredibly touched and I think she knew things got out of hand. Edward, she's strong, but she's not so strong that fear doesn't cripple her. You know she left for New York after her mother's death. Some might see that as brave, between you and me, I've never been so sure about that. I think she ran. I think she was terrified and ran. I also think you've made her brave. Never forget that. You gave her the confidence and grace to come back home. You made her want something different for her life. You made her open up her heart again._

_You listen to me, Edward. Don't you dare let them fool you! Charlie is embarrassed and upset at himself for ruining what you two had and Bella is insecure and scared. And personally, I'm really friggin' tired of it!_

_My grandmother was Ponca, a strong native woman of the Dakotas. Her mother heard this straight from Chief White Eagle's mouth. I'm giving you the words so you can take them inside of you, too. Let them take root in your gut and then become part of your skin, Edward._

_When you are in doubt, be still and wait._

_When doubt no longer exists for you, then go forward with courage._

_So long as mists envelop you, be still._

_Be still until the sunlight pours through and dispels the mists..._

_as it surely will._

_Then act with courage._

_I'm not ready to say goodbye to you, kid. You stay courageous._

_Love, Sue_

###

Sue wanted me to have courage, to keep the faith. I had no glittering illusions that Bella would run back to me open armed. I understood what she was going through. I understood feeling betrayed by the people you loved. I'd lived through it first hand, after all. The anger and disappointment I felt was so visceral, I hadn't spoken to my family in almost ten years.

I was in too much pain after the fire to think straight. My days and nights were filled with drugs, skin grafts, and the struggle to make it through the day with some semblance of sanity. But when the fog finally cleared, when I could think of something other than the pain, the truth and reality of my situation sank in.

My parents decided my fate for me. They really left me no choice in the matter. It took years for me to understand why they did it and by then I was too much of a cold bastard to forgive them. Instead of revealing that I was alive, instead of letting me be the sole survivor of a tragedy, they hid me. They took me away and acted as if I was gone and dead. In a way, I was.

To hear it from them, they were afraid what my life would be like. They were afraid I would forever be blamed for the accident. They were afraid I would never be left alone. They didn't want their son to be plastered all over the papers and tabloids. What would people say? What names would they come up with? Quasimodo? The thing? Burn-ward? They wanted to ensure that I could live a quiet life. A life without ridicule and judgment. In my head, all I heard at the time was, "We're ashamed of you now, son. Our beautiful son with the world at his fingertips is no longer beautiful and no longer has options... let's hide him from the world. Let's cast him aside."

Their truth, I suspect, was probably someplace in between. Yes, they wanted me safe and far away from the ridicule, names, and possibly even harassment. Yes, they wanted some kind of peace for me. I think there was also a part of them that didn't want to see me everyday. Whether it was because it was too painful or simply too gruesome for them, they sent me away.

On top of the physical pain, on top of the guilt of the accident, on top of the self loathing and disgust in the way I felt and looked, I had to deal with the fact that, knowingly or not, my family didn't want me around anymore. It was no wonder I deteriorated the way I did. Sue wanted me to be courageous? Sue wanted me to hold on to hope? There were times I wasn't sure I should still be alive, that the Universe had made some grand mistake, but Sue wanted me to stay still in the mist and wait for the sun. _For Bella_, I thought. Bella was the only reason I continued to play out the charade that was life.

I read that email every day. There was always one line that stuck with me "let them take root in your gut and become part of your skin, Edward." Part of my skin... part of my skin...

Three weeks. I only knew it was three weeks because of Alice. Otherwise it could have been three months or three years for all I knew or cared. But three weeks after I had received Sue's email, I made a call.

"Garrett?"

"Edward, how goes it?"

"Slowly."

"I see. What can I do for you?"

"Do you still have the sketch you did for Bella's tattoo?"

"I keep a file on all my clients."

"That's good, that's really good to hear. How small could you make it?"

"It was a full back piece, but if I cut some of the detail... maybe eight to ten inches without it looking stupid."

"Could you add some words on the bottom, too?"

"I can do anything, you know that."

"Can I come tonight?"

"I always make time for you."

"See you at ten, then."

"Later."

I once told Bella that I needed some small part of myself to be with her always. I bought her that tattoo thinking that if I never saw her again, at least I would always know she wore something on her skin that I had a hand in. Her pain was my pain. When she hurt, I hurt. I didn't know if I'd ever see her again, but I needed something of hers always... just in case. I couldn't think of anything I wanted more than a part of her on my skin forever.

When I got home early the following morning, sometime before the sun even rose after a marathon session in Garrett's chair, I felt. That's it... I felt. I felt something for the first time in three weeks that wasn't regret or disappointment in myself. I couldn't tell immediately what I felt because I didn't really know. I knew what hate, anger, regret, pride, vanity, loss, and love felt like. When it occurred to me what I was feeling, all I could do was chastise myself. I spent so much time making sure that I would never lose something again, that when I did, I didn't even know what I was feeling.

I missed.

I missed Bella. I missed parts of myself that I had lost. I missed laughing and smiling. I missed looking forward to waking up and falling asleep. I missed my new friends, whose calls I was ignoring in my hazy mist-filled stupor. And most surprisingly, I missed my family. I truly did. I missed my father's advice and I missed my mother's love. For the first time in years, my fingers dialed a number that I found amazing I remembered. When a soft, sleepy, slightly sad, feminine voice answered, I choked up.

"Hello?"

I couldn't say anything. A million memories flooded back when I heard her voice. Band-Aids on scraped knees, hugs for good grades, being punished for ruining her new Persian rug in the bedroom, pride at my high school graduation.

"Hello? Is anyone there...?

"Mom?"

She gasped.

"Edward? Darling, is that really you?" She was suddenly very much awake.

"Yes, Mom."

"What's wrong, darling?" I could hear the concern in her voice.

"Nothing."

"Don't lie to me, please. Tell me what's wrong," she pleaded, softly.

"I lost her, Mom." And to my ever lasting surprise, I cried. I didn't cry when I was in pain at the various hospitals. I didn't cry when I was in Pennsylvania. I didn't cry when I realized my parents might not want me in their life. But fucking hell, I cried when I told my mother that I had lost Bella. "I lost her and I don't know how to live without her, anymore."

"I'll be there in five hours, Edward."

I had fallen asleep and was woken up by an insistent ringing. I stood up from my desk and groaned as I stretched. I checked the desk clock, it was ten A.M. When I realized it was my door bell ringing, I walked to the front hall, curious as to who it could be. Everyone had a key... even Bella. I knew it wouldn't be her, though.

I had slept so little in the past week that sleeping so well, even if only for a few hours, had left me completely muddled. I had forgotten my phone conversation entirely until my hands were on the door, unlocking it. Behind that bit of wood was my mother. A woman I hadn't seen or spoken to in almost nine years. What would she say? How would we behave after all this time?

I put my hand on the knob, turned, then pulled. There she was. Still elegant, still beautiful after all those years. Besides a bright streak of white hair framing the right hand side of her face, her caramel locks lay in soft layers on her shoulders. Her ever-present pearl earrings were in her ears, her wool and fur coat wrapped tightly around her. Her eyes were watering as she took me in. I was frozen; I was way past my comfort zone. I didn't know what to do. But when she wrapped her arms around me and sniffled into my chest, my arms remembered and I hugged her back.

When we pulled apart, I led her into the hall and took her coat. After hanging it in the front hall closet, I turned to see her smiling.

"Edward, you look so different."

"I know."

"You're not the young man I remember. You're... you're huge!"

And despite the pain and loss in my heart, despite my insecurity of the situation and what was to come, I couldn't help but laugh. It felt so fucking good to laugh.

"It's good to see you too, Mom."

She threaded her arm into mine as if it were completely natural and it hadn't been years of isolation and silence between us. I marveled at her ease, was shocked by it, actually. But I softened into her touch and let her hold on to me.

"Now," she said, determined, "make your Mother a cup of tea and tell me everything, Edward. We'll work it out, darling."

I didn't know if we could work it out, but there was a small shaft of sunlight coming though the mist and my feet acted accordingly for the first time in weeks.

* * *

**A/N**

**So, Esme showed up, huh? Some more secrets revealed, huh? **

**Just think what little gems will be revealed next chappie...**

**Reviews are like ever-present pearl earrings.**


	20. Chpt 19, The Importance of Being Edward

**Again, I am so blown away by all of your words... I can't properly express how happy it makes me.**

**This chapter kicked my ass. Thankfully, HollettLA & TheOtherBella were there make me take a long hard look at it and kick it's ass for kicking mine. So basically, there was a lot of ass kickage and those two ladies were the refs. I owe them pounds of cookies when this all done.**

**So, here's Bella. All I ask is that you don't read it thinking she was the bad guy. Maybe, just maybe, some of what she says will make sense. **

**Most of you were thrilled to see Esme and was sure she would fix everything. Just remember that although she's back, years of strain can't be eased in a few weeks. Instead, there's another strong woman saving the day. I'll give you a hint: _Droga_ means "dear one" in Polish.**

**I don't own, I just play.**

* * *

**Chapter 19, The Importance of Being Edward**

**BPOV**

I quit my job.

I had no intention of ever going back to New York. Being home was comfortable. Being home was easy. Even if Sue had moved out in some sort of protest, she'd get over it. Sue made me read the letter that Edward sent her. I can't lie and say that I wasn't moved by it, because I was, very much. But I always knew Edward was a good man with a good heart, that wasn't the issue. The issue was importance. Call me a conceited, egotistical bitch, but I should have been first in his life, not his secrets. He was first in my life, after all.

For some time I'd been hiding how annoyed and concerned I was that he hadn't told me everything about his past. It worried me to no end. He loved me, right? He showed me all the time that he did. I know I had shown him how much I loved and trusted him. Where was the reciprocation, then? Did he think it was so easy for me to admit my past to him? It wasn't. Every word that left my mouth stung. But I fucking did it, for him... for us.

He was right; his name didn't matter to me at all. What mattered to me was that his past was more important to him than his future. It occurred to me over our time together, that the only thing that would get in our way was whatever truth he was concealing. I even worried that when he told me everything, it would forever be this anvil hanging over our heads ready to drop. I couldn't help but ponder what was more important to him, his past secrets, or his future with me. Well, I got my answer and it killed me.

My father was wrong to snoop, I knew that. But when I found out exactly how much Edward had been keeping from me, something snapped. Every single fear I had came to fruition. I saw how his past would always hold him back from me. I saw a future with him only ever being 75% there. Some part of him would always be stuck in the past, stuck on that boat. He would never be able to put it all behind him and give me as much as I wanted to give him. After all, if he wanted to give me all of him, he would have by now. What the hell was he waiting for?

During our fight, he told me we'd talk when we got back from Santa Fe. _Oh, really?_ I thought to myself. _Convenient. _I called him on it, too. He tripped over his own words. The final straw was the "I can't live without you," shit. How dare he. I mean really how dare he. Intentionally or not, it incensed me.

Being angry was doing wonders for my work, though. I pumped out incredible piece after incredible piece and mailed them directly to Rosalie. Alice and I were on shaky ground. She called me after she had seen Edward. She was just as furious as I was, but not at him, at me. We screamed at each other like banshees. We hung up on each other, called each other again, and then hung up on each other again.

The following day, she called me in tears and made me cry, too. Then we started screaming again. Then we cried. I was exhausted by it all. All I could think to do with my time was focus on my jewelry. I sent Rose 30 pieces in my first four weeks in Santa Fe. She called me, amazed. She said they were exquisite and she had decided to start a slightly more upscale line of her accessories to match. During that call, she admitted that being in the middle of my Alice's issues was tough for her, plus she missed me. I missed her, too.

My fifth week in Santa Fe I got a call from my landlord. I quickly sent him the rent check and wondered what my next steps would be. I was waiting for something but I didn't know what. Edward hadn't called, emailed, or gotten in touch with me in any way since he had left. I should have been happy about that, but instead, it infuriated me further. What was he doing? Giving me space to work things out, or leaving me alone forever? Did I want to work things out, or did I want to be left alone forever? I was pretty sure that Sue was in contact with him, but I wasn't about to ask her.

I cried myself to sleep every night. Even though I was angry at everything and everyone, I was utterly devastated. It was at night, in my old bedroom, in my old bed, where I broke down. Somehow, Edward and I ruined what we had. Somehow, unintentionally, we had murdered our own relationship. I wanted a future with him so badly. I wanted children with him... in my dreams I saw them, too. They were beautiful, tall, strong children, with heads of crazy copper curls and hearts of gold.

On my thirtieth birthday I had promised myself I was done with the old Bella. I was tired of being afraid, alone, and unhappy. Not even a full year later, I found myself afraid, alone, and unhappy. I was so disappointed in myself. I was crippled by own disappointment. All I could do was work to keep the shame at bay. The tears and pain I felt at night, the anger and resentment I felt during the day, eventually melted into a murky soup. That soup was so thick, that soon enough I couldn't move an inch in any direction.

My father confronted me. I pretty sure he thought it would help. That somehow, by speaking to me about his mistakes, I'd feel free and mobile again. It didn't work.

"I was wrong, baby," my father said one afternoon.

"A-huh." I was sitting at the dining room table, a soldering iron in one hand, a spool of silver in the other. I was only half listening.

"Bella. Put down all that down and pay attention, please."

I did. I looked at him; I was surprised by what I saw. Had I been so self-involved that I hadn't noticed the dark circles under my father's eyes and the slight hunch in his once proud shoulders? He looked ten years older. Jesus, what kind of selfish person was I that I hadn't even realized he wasn't doing well.

"Dad, you look awful."

He laughed, sardonically.

"Gee, thanks."

He sat down at the table, pushing away bowls of beads and spools of metals.

"Bella, I don't say this very often, you know that. But I was wrong. I never should have invaded your and Edward's privacy like that."

"Dad..."

"Let me finish, baby girl, okay?"

I nodded.

"You know I love you. You know that I would do anything for you. You're my little girl, my only child and I'd do anything to make you happy and keep you safe."

"I know that, Dad. And I appreciate it so much."

"Right. Well, when your Mom passed, 'Papa mode' went into high gear. None of us saw it coming; none of us knew Renee was sick. The fact that I couldn't protect you from that devastated me. I was so angry at Renee, but Bella baby, I was angrier at myself. It's my job to take care of you, to look out for you, and I failed. I couldn't protect you from your Mother's death and I couldn't stop you from hurting. I couldn't even stop you from moving away from me."

His fists were clenched.

"I was terrified for you, Bella. You were out of my sight and I couldn't protect you anymore. It drove me nuts. Those first few months were bad for me. I had to take anti-anxiety pills for a year."

"I know, Dad, Sue told me."

"I figured she did. The point is, my job is to keep you happy and to protect you. My job has never been to meddle. And when my meddling ruined what you had with Edward... I'll never forgive myself for it."

"I forgive you, Dad. You did what you thought you needed to."

"Sue said you'd let me off the hook."

"Sue was right."

"I really wish you were angry at me."

"Dad, whether I found out from you or Edward, it never would have been easy. It was never about his name, you know that right?"

"Yes. But I'm really curious why you kicked him out just to spend every night crying."

So he knew. I shouldn't have been surprised. It was damn near impossible to hide things from Charlie Swan.

"It's about priorities, Dad. Edward was always mine. I fought for him. Do you know how many times he tried to get rid of me... how many times he blew up and fought against what was happening in the beginning? Every time we climbed a wall together, there was another one, higher than the last, behind it. I never lost sight of how much I wanted him in my life. Never once. But I can't help but feel that maybe he doesn't feel the same way."

"Bella, he brought you home, baby."

"I know he loves me. But..." I trailed off, nervous to voice my fears.

"Tell me, please."

"What if I'm not as important to him as his secrets were? What if the accident, his scars, his guilt, and whatever else he keeps bottled up, take first place?"

"You're scared."

"Yes. And I think I have a right to be."

"You going to let that fear keep you from him?"

I couldn't lie to him. I never had the power to lie to my father. So I answered truthfully.

"I don't know."

Over the next weeks I fought with myself. Also over the next weeks, there wasn't even as much as a peep from Edward. I was torn about that. A quarter of me wanted the silence. A quarter of me wanted him calling every hour on the hour. A quarter of me wanted to call_ him_every hour on the hour. The last quarter thought I should shut up and deal with the consequences of things had I said and done.

Sue, Charlie and I started speaking as a family again. Charlie apologized to Sue and told her that he had not only apologized to me, but unbeknownst to all of us, he called Edward and apologized to him, too. He got voice mail. I wasn't entirely surprised. I told Sue everything I had told Charlie. She sympathized with me, told me she understood, and then told me to say those things to Edward's face, not hers. I wasn't ready for that, though.

I called Alice. I was honest with her and told her how I felt without screaming and without tears. She apologized to me and said she should have asked what happened and how I felt before yelling. I apologized to her, too. We wound up crying again... happy tears. After our little teary session, I found out that she and Rosie had almost closed a deal to sell my most recent pieces, along with the coordinating evening bags that Rosie had made, to an exclusive, private boutique in Manhattan. It was the kind of place the hot young social elite shop at, a word of mouth place that only recently, thanks to a New York Times article I had actually read a few months back, was the hot place to shop for one-of-a-kind finds. I smiled for the first time in almost two months.

"Bella, I miss you so much!" Alice wailed over the phone. I could hear her trying not to cry on the other end. "We need to do brunch, just the three of us. Please come home?"

Home. I wasn't sure where home was. But brunch with my two best friends was tempting. Plus, I really wanted to see my jewelry and Rose's clutches being lovingly displayed at the boutique. Also, I needed to make a decision about New York. My lease was up at the end of the summer. It was time to either sign it again, or let it go. It was clear that I could work from Santa Fe and still be a part of the company easily enough. Was that what I wanted, though?

The following week, I was sitting at a familiar place, at a familiar table, waiting for my two best friends to walk through the door. I got there almost twenty minutes early, my nerves not willing me to sit still. I heard them before I saw them. When they saw me, all hell broke loose. We were an enthusiastic tangle of limbs, hair, purses, scarves, coats, and tears... lots of tears. By the time we had calmed down, the waiter had brought over three lychee Bellinis without being asked. We gulped them down and ordered another round. Brunch was wonderful, so was being with friends again.

The following Monday night I was in my apartment waiting for my pizza. I still wasn't sure what to do about my apartment or where to live. If I stayed in New York, I'd definitely need at least a part time job since I quit the dispatch office. In Santa Fe, I could live with my parents (or in the house Edward rented, but I couldn't walk in there, there were too many memories of Edward and my first night there), until things with the business took off. Seeing the girls had been amazing – but I wasn't sure if they were enough to keep me in New York. There was still a great, big gaping hole in my heart; they only filled a little part of it.

The doorbell rang and I let the pizza guy up. I grabbed my wallet and opened the door waiting for the delivery man. It wasn't my food.

"Lydia?"

"Bella, we talk, please."

"Umm, sure, come in. Can I get you something? Tea?"

"Tea, thank you."

"Have a seat anywhere."

She sat on the love seat, in front of the coffee table, and waited for me.

Two cups of tea in hand, I made my way to her and settled into the arm chair.

"Edward is different now then before," she started in her broken, accented English.

"Before? Angry, with fire and passion. He fight for life, ah? Everyday was fight, fight, fight. I know if he fight, he live. Now, is flat. No passion, no anger, only ghost."

I was surprised to hear all that right off the bat. No, _how are you_, _how have things been_? But then again, I knew she was there for Edward, to plead his case even though I hadn't asked for it. I wondered if she had come of her own volition, or if it was Alice or even Edward's doing. I soon found out, that not only had she come on her own, but that by doing so, she was risking everything.

"Lydia, I know I hurt him, but he..." she cut me off.

"I must tell story. He never tell, but I must."

"A story?"

"He never tell about me, no?"

"No, only that you had a large family."

The buzzer rang and I apologized explaining about the pizza. A few minutes later, it was paid for and promptly forgotten about, sitting on the kitchen table.

"I come here in 1998..."

The story she told me was eye opening and tragic.

In 1998, Lydia's daughter, Maria, brought her mother from Poland to America. Maria went to college on a physics scholarship here in the States. She met a man and later, they got married. Thanks to that marriage, Maria got citizenship. She and her husband were pregnant with their first child, had just moved into a house in New Jersey, and both wanted Lydia with them. Lydia's husband, Maria's father, had died almost six years earlier. Maria's younger brother, Feliks, was in the army and never home. The baby of the family, Oskar, was still at University in Poland studying to become a pharmacist. He was swamped with work and lived with a group of other students in Krakow, on the other side of the country. No one liked the thought of Lydia being alone.

Lydia was more than happy to move and help Maria with the pregnancy and soon to be grandchild. Although she was still young enough to work, knowing very little English and having no degree made work a near impossibility in America. Between her daughter and son-in-law, she didn't really need to work, but she wasn't used to sitting around idly.

Lydia took to taking care of the house, the bills, the cooking, and generally becoming "Mom" again. When she found a Polish church not too far from the house, she quickly became a valued member. She learned enough English to get by and found her days were blessedly busy again, especially after the birth of her first grandson. At her church, she volunteered to take over the community out-reach programs.

The following year, Feliks was discharged from the army after an injury, and decided to join the family in New Jersey. Thanks to his record in the army, he was able to get citizenship and find his way onto the Jersey police force. He found a woman, he got married, and they too, started a family. A few years after that, thanks to his brother's connections, Oskar was able to move to the States. He went back to school, learned what he needed to, and was a pharmacist at a local hospital in Jersey. He married one of the nurses and started a family of his own. Lydia was happy, she was busy, and she was surrounded by loved ones.

In 2000, a member of her church suffered terribly after the death of her husband. It was bad enough, in fact, that her family admitted her into a mental health facility just outside of Philadelphia. Lydia went two or three times a week to spend time with her friend. The staff, seeing how calming she was with not only her friend but the other patients around her, asked if she would come and permanently volunteer.

Most patients weren't well enough to be with people, but the older patients, most with Alzheimer's or dementia, whose families basically dropped them off and forgot about them, were greatly comforted by a smiling face and someone reading to them. Lydia offered the services of her churches out-reach group to the cause. She was at the facility every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It was on a particularly beautiful Wednesday, in the facility's garden, that she first met Edward.

He had checked in two days previous. Being a privately run facility, the grounds and upkeep of the place were impeccable. Unless necessary, patients didn't need to wear pajamas or special clothing. Edward was just wearing a pair of jeans, a pair of sneakers, and a black t-shirt... nothing out of the ordinary at all. She could only see the left side of his body. He was somewhat curled into the corner of the bench, only exposing half of himself. She noticed the orderly hovering nearby, but she was sure he was there for one of the other patients. It never occurred to her that the tall, handsome, although very tired looking young man, _was_the patient. She struck up a conversation.

"Beautiful day, no?"

He wouldn't answer her. She simply assumed that he was overwhelmed with the place. Knowing that a loved one or friend was there because they had to be, took a lot out of one. Most likely, she thought, he had just spent time with a grandparent who couldn't even remember who he was. She'd seen the devastating effects that had on people every week.

"Is grandparent? Somewhere inside, they know you. I promise," she stated with absolute surety.

Nothing.

"You must sit straight, take breath, enjoy sun!"

He didn't say anything, he didn't acknowledge her. But he did sit up straighter. She took that as a good sign. She sat with the handsome young man for many more minutes until the orderly who had been so close, came by and told the young man it was time for his therapy session.

Edward looked at her, straight on, exposing what he really looked like, and dared her to judge him. She had lived through violence, cold days and nights, communism and death back home in Poland. She had seen the horrific results of World War II - the scarred, amputated bodies of survivors. There was nothing about Edward that could make her flinch. There was fight and anger in his tired eyes, though. _As long he never gives up the fight, he'll survive,_Lydia remembered thinking. Instead of giving him what he wanted, a horrified look or grimace, Lydia promised him she would be there on Friday. "Same time, same bench."

And so it began their unlikely relationship.

To my already shocked system, hearing that Edward had a breakdown the first weekend he was there, was shattering. Apparently, he woke up screaming, convinced one of his friend's ghosts was haunting him. He thrashed, he threw things, he had to be wrestled to the ground and sedated. He couldn't sleep for the next few days unless he was drugged. That Monday, when Lydia came in, she noticed his black eye and busted lip. For the first time, he spoke to her, whispering his troubles. He told her he was seeing things. He told her they medicated him because he saw his friend's ghost.

She didn't call him crazy. She didn't look at him like he was a freak. She didn't even gasp. No, instead, she asked him how he looked.

Edward looked at her like _she_was nuts. She laughed remembering it. Lydia didn't think he was crazy, she knew for a fact that ghosts existed; she lived in a country full of them. She asked again and he told her. He looked as he always did, he said - blue eyes, blond hair, stupid grin on his face, wearing a polo shirt, the collar popped. As he spoke, something seemed to dawn on him.

"He wasn't burnt," he said quietly, confused.

When he started laughing, tears came down his face. Lydia sat there, stoically, letting him work through whatever it was he was going through. When he stopped, he looked at her and wrinkled his brow. He asked her who she was, what she was. Was she in fact, real? To prove it, she pinched his cheek. He yelped.

"Very real. Lydia."

"I'm Edward."

"Why was friend burnt?"

"No, that's the thing, he wasn't. He looked... he looked great, healthy and happy."

"This is good, no?"

"Very good, yes."

Over the course of his weeks there, Edward opened up to Lydia more than anyone else. The anger, the pain, the hurt, all of it. He told her about the fire, about the guilt, about the cover up, every detail. She took in all the information, never judging, only listening. From what I could tell, it was Lydia that made Edward somewhat whole again, not the institution he was in.

That following Friday, Edward had a bad night. A very bad night. Alice, against his wishes, had told his parents where he was. I'm sure they called him out of concern, thinking they were showing their love, but instead, what started out as an innocent call, turned into a blood-bath... literally. It was hard for me to understand everything Lydia told me. She didn't seem to have the right words for all the things she was trying to portray to me, but I got the gist of it. Edward, either interpreted incorrectly, or his parents chose the wrong things to say, but in the end, was made to believe that they were glad he was in an institution. They seemed to say that it was where he belonged and that if he hadn't gone on his own volition, they would have found a way to get him there, one way or another.

That was the night he broke his first mirror.

A loud series of crashes alerted the orderly who went running to Edward's room that night. Those crashes were Edward, slamming his fists into the mirrors in his room and bathroom so hard it not only shattered glass, not only ripped open his flesh, but knocked the mirrors clear off of the walls. He was in hysterics. It took two orderlies to wrangle him and an injection from a nurse before he stopped thrashing. He wouldn't speak, he wouldn't eat or drink, and he was restrained to his own bed.

When Lydia came around the following morning, one of Edward's nurses rushed her to him. Alarmed that nothing had gotten through to him, the nurse thought the only thing that might work was Lydia due to their surprising connection. When Lydia came in, she shook her head and cursed in Polish. That Edward would have hurt himself was a surprise to her. He had seemed angry, he had seemed depressed and sad, but he had never seemed violent.

She pulled up a chair and sat next to him. She didn't speak for a long time, simply keeping eye contact with him. Eventually, some kind of recognition passed over his eyes. He finally acknowledged Lydia, even though she had been looking at him for a while.

"I'm sorry," he said, quietly.

"Why hurt yourself?"

"I couldn't stand my reflection anymore."

"You stronger than that."

"No, I'm not," he said, defeated.

"You are alive. You never give up when in pain, you never give up when you leave family, you not give up now. Never give up."

"Why not? What could possibly be waiting for me down the road?"

"Vanity is deadly sin."

"I'm not religious and I don't care."

"Sloth is deadly sin, too, Edward."

"Sloth? Sloth! I'm not lazy! What the hell do you think I'm doing here?" He pulled on his restraints, trying to break free. "I came here trying to be pro-active because I was sure that if I didn't get help, I'd wind up either going nuts or killing myself!" He was furious.

Lydia just smiled. There was the fight she wanted to see. There was the passion and the confirmation she needed that Edward would be okay in time.

She stayed with him until he calmed down. She fed him, something that he was incredibly embarrassed about he told her later. She made sure he drank and took his medications, too. Much later, after the doctor had seen him, (the doctor was none too thrilled that the nurse had let Lydia in his room, but Edward snapped at him saying that he was paying his salary and he specifically asked for Lydia... a flat-out lie), and after he was assured that Edward had, in fact, taken all his medication, his restraints were taken off in the presence of three orderlies and no one else.

Even after that horrible morning, no matter the weather, no matter how busy she was, Lydia was there for Edward every week. She often wondered why no one ever came to visit. He told her, one day, it was because he asked everyone not to. She knew he was ashamed. She also knew that he would never tell anyone what had happened there. The only people on the planet who knew what Edward lived through were Lydia, a few nurses, a handful of orderlies, and a couple of doctors... and then, me.

Slowly, day by day, Edward got stronger. He no longer looked tired. He no longer needed an orderly at his side. He stood taller, not hunched and slouched. For every story she told him, he shared one in return. No one, not even his doctors, understood why he opened up to the Polish church-lady, the grandmother. But the truth was, it didn't matter. He was opening up and letting it all out.

When it was time for Edward to leave after a month of help and various medications, he asked Lydia to come to New York. He confided to her, and no one else, that he was terrified. He knew she was the only person who would ever understand his ghosts, real or imagined. He promised to pay her an exorbitant amount of money. Enough money that none of her current or future grandchildren would ever have to worry about paying for college - for that alone she might have said yes. But more importantly, she loved knowing that she would be busy and truly needed. She knew that the only other person in his life was Alice, and she simply couldn't allow the strong, brave, angry man to be that alone again.

The second she agreed, Edward called Alice and asked her to find a one bedroom apartment within a ten block radius of his place. Lydia assumed that Alice would find one, and with the money she was being paid, would simply pay rent. But when Lydia didn't get a rent check the first, second, then third month she was there, she asked Alice about it. It wasn't a rental. Edward had authorized Alice to buy the lovely one bedroom on a quiet side street, exactly seven blocks away, and put it in Lydia's name. She was shocked. When she found out, she tried to thank him. She baked him all kinds of Polish treats, cooked vats of amazing soups, but he didn't want to hear it. He said her secrecy and loyalty were enough. So, she never spoke about any of it. Also, she would never leave him until she was too old to do the work.

Once, years ago, Lydia asked him why he had opened up to her the way he did. Why he trusted her so quickly and completely? He said it was because she never looked at him as anything other than a man. Not a patient, not a victim, simply a man. He couldn't say the same of his doctors, the nurses, orderlies, or even his fellow "inmates," as he liked to call them. Lydia understood, maybe better than anyone, that to a man like Edward, being reminded that he wasn't someone to pity or tiptoe around, was critically important. It kept him grounded and alive.

So, when after years of anger and pain Edward and I found each other, Lydia knew it was God smiling down on him. A deeply religious woman, she was certain that all of Edward's good deeds had resulted in his finally finding love. She saw the change in him almost immediately. His ever-present anger turned into hope. It was a different, more productive kind of passion that kept him going after he'd met me.

After Santa Fe, Edward was indifferent. All the passion, be it hope, love, or anger, seemed to disappear and she knew she had to do something. After all, it was his spirit that had kept him alive thus far. She broke her pledge of secrecy to Edward and came to me. She knew he wouldn't put his life at risk anymore; he didn't even have fire enough to do that. But the kind of life he was living was worse than the life of bitter calculation he lived before. He was simply walking through his days like one of the ghosts he still saw on occasion.

Lydia loved Edward like another one of her many grandchildren. Seeing him like that, nothing more than a shadow of his former self, was too much for her. She risked her relationship and long standing promises of trust and loyalty by coming to me and confessing everything.

When she was done talking, the tea was ice cold - so was I. I was shivering, and then the bitter tears came.

"Why couldn't he just tell me all of this?"

"He is proud man. I know this is sin, too. But pride keep him alive, so I say is okay this time." She paused, taking me in my miserable state before speaking again. "Bella, he love you. I tell you now, no man will love you like him, is not possibility. He make mistake, he keep secret, he not tell you everything. This was wrong. Let me ask, please. If story was you, you tell secrets?"

No one had asked me that, yet. Hundreds of thoughts swirled in my head. Would I tell the person I loved that because of an accident, a freak moment of mechanical ineptitude, I had lost my friends, my career, my name, my family, my entire future? And because of that freak moment, I was seeing the ghosts of my dead friends that I thought I had killed somehow? Would I admit that I had been worried that I could kill myself? That I had put myself in a mental health institution and had been strapped to a bed for my own safety because I had done serious bodily harm... would I tell the person I loved all that?

What would I do if the person I loved had lost someone important to them, say their mother, to suicide? Would I tell them that, although I was okay now, had been living a normal life for years, there was a time that I was contemplating ending my own life? The partial answer was yes, because I loved them. But the rest of the answer was, only on my own terms when I knew she was ready to hear it all… when I was sure she wouldn't run from me out of fear.

And what had I done? Without even understanding his whole story, I had run from him out of fear. I hadn't even heard the worst part of his life. I thought I had been cheated on by secrets. I thought his past was more important to him than I was. I thought he just couldn't, or wouldn't, let go of the pain. That no matter what I did or said, he would be crippled by his insecurities. Foolishly, I assumed that I wasn't worth his secrets. It turned out, I wasn't.

Like some miserable, excuse of a woman, I had let all that I had worked so hard for slip through my fingers. I wouldn't let him give me up. I refused. Time after time I had made sure he understood that I wasn't going anywhere. No matter how many times he yelled and screamed, I had faced him and fought back. No matter how many times he scared me, I had refused to let go of what we had. The sad and painful irony of the whole mess was that I _had_given up on him. True, he hadn't fought for me like I had him; but then again, I didn't have a past that might have pushed him away from me.

"Lydia, how do I make this better?"

"Only go to him."

"Will you come with me?"

"No, _droga_. You go by self," she said smiling.

Minutes later, I was in the back of a familiar car, being driven a familiar route up to a familiar block in Manhattan. I didn't know what to expect, but I was ready to fight for us once again.

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**A/N**

**I don't know if I'm mentioned this before, but Lydia is based on a real woman. She is Polish, in her 50's, and a housekeeper with a gaggle of grandchildren. Also like Lydia, she is so much more. I told her I wanted to include her in a story I was writing - she was incredibly flattered.**

**Reviews are like vats of Polish soup; warm, delicious, and from the heart. **


	21. Chapter 20, FacetoFace

**This one is a little short, but its intense so it evens itself out nicely, I think. A huge thanks to HollettLA for beta-ing this one. Couldn't have been pleasant, lol. Many hugs. **

**Guys, you all put me through to the final round in the Curvaceous and Bodacious contest! Thank you so, so much! You have a few more days to vote, so please do it! http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2729331/#  
**

**There isn't much more for me to say here... you know what's about to happen, so lets get to it, shall we?**

**I don't own, I just play.**

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**Chapter 20, Face-to-Face**

**BPOV**

The doorman let me up without a second glance or thought. Edward must not have given any instructions for him not to let me up. That was a decent sign, I thought. I had a set of keys burning a hole in my pocket. He had given them to me a while back. I always rang though, never actually needing them in the past. Edward always came to the door to let me in. I had no idea how he would react when he opened that door... hell, I had no idea how I would react!

When the elevator let me out on the penthouse floor, it took several minutes before I had the guts to ring the bell. Eventually, in slow motion, my finger made contact with the white marble buzzer. I stood there, an impossible bundle of nerves for a few minutes, before I rang again. Again, there was no answer. I tried a third time before I reluctantly used my keys. I half expected them not to work. They did.

The first thing I noticed were the floors; they were all stained a deep, deep brown, almost black. The walls were cream, before they had been stark white. A large, round, thick-piled pale yellow carpet was in the middle of they foyer. On it was a round glass table with a tall pillar vase filled with white orchids. Over the table was an extraordinary lantern that looked like the most elaborate piece of origami I had ever seen.

In awe, I made my way quietly through the apartment, not wanting to surprise Edward. Everything was different. The living room, once just a large room with a bar, leather couches and not much else, was now a vision in modern masculinity. A long, dark-gray suede sofa was flanked by two green velvet club chairs. A large Lucite coffee table sat on top of a large light gray wool rug with an intricate green, orange, and blue pattern on it. Above it all, hung various globe lanterns at various heights. The once bare floor-to-ceiling French doors were accented by the thinnest, palest green sheers. The whole thing was stunning.

Thinking he might be in his office, I started in that direction. My feet stopped in front of the dining room, though; it was simply too amazing not to look at. It was still blood red, but painted instead of wallpapered. An impossibly long smoked glass table flanked by clear ghost chairs took up much of the room. Twenty or so small glass vases of various sizes ran down the center of the table, each one held a different green flower, leaf, or bit of vegetation. One wall had a long etched mirror on it. The other side had an equally long rice paper scroll with Japanese calligraphy on it. It was unbelievable.

Moving on, I found his office. Not very much had changed except for a painting hanging behind his desk. It was a man, standing alone on a balcony overlooking a city - I think it was Paris. The man in the suit looked nothing like Edward but I couldn't help but make the comparisons. I suddenly knew exactly where he was.

I made my way to Edward's bedroom where the balcony overlooking the park was. His bedroom had changed, too. I was a little sad about that. Instead of the dark blues, now the walls were covered in some kind of bamboo wallpaper. The bed was just as large, but it was a modern four poster spilling over with white pillows. It was lovely, really. I remembered the first time I looked around his apartment; I couldn't help but think how disjointed and un-Edward it all seemed. Something had changed. I wish it had been me to make his apartment his home - but apparently, it hadn't been. I was ashamed of that.

I looked to the balcony. There he was. In nothing but a pair of boxers, he was leaning on balcony wall, looking out onto the city. I had forgotten exactly how large and powerful he was. I took a deep breath, opened the doors, and froze. _Now what?_I thought.

**EPOV**

I'll be honest, I thought she was just another ghost when I saw her... maybe a dream. I turned around; feeling, rather than hearing, someone behind me. Bella's ghost was standing in the doorway, being lit from behind by the lights in the bedroom. Her once vibrantly red, crimson and orange hair looked dull. She seemed so much smaller than I remembered. I huffed and shook my head.

"Jesus, Edward, she's not dead. You've really lost it now. You're seeing ghosts of the living." I said to myself.

"I..."

My head shot up. Ghosts, at least in the past, had never spoken to me.

"I'm not a ghost, Edward."

"Then what are you?" I asked, exhausted.

"I'm just Bella."

"Well, just Bella. What do you want?" I was dreaming. Of course I was. Sleep had been spotty lately. I seemed to be living off of catnaps instead of hours of solid sleep.

"I came to talk to you, Edward. To explain things... to apologize." Yup, I was definitely dreaming.

I walked toward her. The closer I got the more real she seemed. When I was just inches from her, I heard her gasp. Before I knew it, her hand was reaching toward my chest. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to feel her in a dream, but I didn't care. Having her flesh touch mine was exquisite. She ran her pointer finger over my heart, over every line and shadow of my latest ink. It was an exact replica of the skull and flower that Bella had on her back with one exception.

"Your pain, my pain, our pain," she whispered, reverently.

I closed my eyes and let myself really _feel _her touch. I let the sound of her voice sink into me. Hopefully, when I woke up I'd still remember what she felt and sounded like. When she dropped her arm and her voice stopped echoing in my head, I passed "Bella" and sat on the edge of my bed. I heard something that sounded like tears, like soft sobbing coming from the image in my doorway. I was confused.

As I sat there, watching her shoulders shake slightly from behind, she spoke.

"You won't even speak to me, will you? I've actually ruined it. I ruined it all."

The figure turned to me. There were tears rolling down its face. Dream Bella was legitimately upset.

"Why are you crying?"

Very slowly, she walked toward me. She kneeled in front of me and placed her hands on my knees.

I hadn't had such a horrible dream in years. _Why now? _I thought. I'd been surviving hadn't I? After my mother left, when I was alone at night again, I hadn't dreamed at all. So why - weeks after mom had gone - was I having problems? When I felt Bella's warm tears on my legs, I knew something was wrong. Nothing felt airy enough. The room around me was heavy. I slowly realized that I wasn't dreaming.

"Bella?"

She just kept crying into my knees. Tentatively, I put my hands on her head.

"Bella. Please stop crying."

She kept at it. Out of nowhere I was pissed. I should be the one crying, not her.

"Bella. Enough!"

She sniffled to a stop and looked up at me.

"Get up off the floor, please." I said firmly.

She stood up.

"Let's go to the kitchen."

I started walking and she followed. Once in the kitchen, I opened the cupboards and started making her a cup of tea, just how she liked it. She sat at the kitchen table and waited for me.

When the tea was ready, I walked to the table, set it down, and sat across from her.

"I'm sorry for my display back there," she said, puffy and red-eyed.

"Are you all right?" I asked calmly, somewhat detached. I couldn't figure out what she was doing in my kitchen again.

"I'm fine. I mean, I'm a wreck, but I'm okay."

"Do you need something, then?"

"Just to talk to you."

"Talk to me?"

"Yes, if you'll let me."

"You kicked me out of your life. You haven't spoken to me, or even let me know that you knew I was alive, for the past few months and now, out of nowhere, you want to speak to me?"

"You're angry."

"I'm confused." Yes, I was angry, too. "Again, why are you here?"

"Don't be angry with her, but Lydia came to see me tonight."

"Why would that make me angry?"

"She told me everything, Edward."

"What does 'everything' mean?" I asked suspiciously.

"She told me how you met. She told me about the institution. She told me..."

"All of it?" My chest tightened.

"Every detail." _FUCK!_

"It wasn't her story to tell," I said through bared teeth, trying very hard not to flip the table in front of me.

"She was scared for you. She knew you'd never tell and she knew I needed the truth, Edward."

"The truth," I spat. "So now you know I'm not only a sideshow attraction, I'm fucked in the head, too."

"Shut up!" She snapped fervently.

"Did you just tell me to shut up?"

"Yes."

"I love you, but I'm not above tossing you out on your ass right now."

"Jesus, Edward. Enough. I call truce okay? I'm not here to fight with you anymore. I'm here because I made a mistake," she said, sounding as exhausted as I felt.

"What mistake?"

"I should have let you speak. I shouldn't have kicked you out before hearing what you wanted to say to me. I should have given you the time you said you wanted."

I didn't know how to respond.

"Edward, I was wrong. I was scared... terrified actually. I never should have let it escalate to that point, though."

"What could you have possibly been scared of?"

"Your secrets. I was scared that they were more important to you than I was. I felt like I was being cheated on by your past.

"That's so..."

"So?"

"Fucking stupid!"

"Edward, I know that now, but what were you expecting? I fought for us so many times. You yelled and screamed and threw things and I always stood my ground. I never gave up. I had so much fucking faith in us. Then, when I found out what you were keeping from me, I felt so betrayed. It wasn't just a fire, Edward, it was national news. How was I supposed to react?"

"With a little faith," I answered, sadly.

"Edward, I understand now why you didn't tell me after I demanded answers from you. I get it. You thought you were sparing my pain. You thought that hearing the words 'suicide' and 'mental health' were going to shatter me. You may have been right, you may have been wrong. We'll never know now."

The weight of the entire situation lay heavily on my chest.

"I wish..." she continued.

"What?"

"I wish we could go back and do it all over again, you know? We can't. So I'm manning up. I made a mistake. A huge mistake, one that I'll regret forever. That being said, I never would have known that I messed things up if Lydia hadn't come to me and told me everything. In fact, I might not be here now if she hadn't come to me."

"If you're here because you think I'll hurt myself, don't worry about it."

"Christ, Edward." She sounded so exasperated.

"What did I do now?"

"Just enough. Enough. It's exhausting. I don't know how much fight I have left in me. Just drop the act and let me the hell in already. Don't you get it yet? None of it matters as long as you speak to me. You could tell me you were a vampire ready to suck me dry at any moment and it wouldn't matter just as long as I _knew_."

I didn't answer her. I just let my silence do the talking. My silence said, "Shit, you're right. I've never let you in, not fully. I'm at fault here too, aren't I?"

"Do you want to know why I'm not worried about you hurting yourself?"

I nodded my head, yes.

"Lydia came to me because she saw you turning into one of the ghosts that she thinks you still see. She told me she never worried for you in the past, not really, because you were a fighter. Your anger and passion kept you healthy all these years. Why are you giving up, Edward? Why have you shut down?"

She was asking me as if she knew the answer... like she was waiting for something. I didn't know what she wanted from me, but the image that Lydia had painted of me was miserable. It was really fucking embarrassing.

"So you're here because I'm pathetic." A statement, not a question.

"No. I'm here because I love you. You're not pathetic. I don't pity you. Hell, I'm not even angry. I'm hurting, just like you."

"You love me." Again, a statement, not a question.

"I never stopped."

I didn't know what to say. There was a long silence between us. Two months and I had lost my ability to speak to her. What could I say to match her display of humility? When had I ever been so honest with her? I couldn't think of a single time I had been.  
Overwhelmed, I told her about the tattoo. Since I couldn't express myself with words, I fell back to actions. Some said they spoke louder, after all.

"I was sure I would never see you again." I said, steeling my nerves. "I needed something of yours. Something that could never disintegrate. So, I called Garrett days after I got back and had him do this."

She looked at my heart again, at the replica of her tatt on me. She took it in, no doubt reading the words in the banner beneath the skull, again.

"Your pain, my pain, our pain?" she asked, confused.

"I told you once a long time ago, that your pain was my pain. I meant it. When I left you in Santa Fe the only thing I knew for sure was that if nothing else, we would always be connected by our shared grief."

"What a way to start a relationship huh?" She started, not taking her eyes away from my body. "Pain, lies, anger, distrust... fainting." She dropped her head.

"I'll never forget a second of it."

"Not even the last part?"

"Last? It's over then, isn't it?"

She looked up at me. So much doubt and sadness met me.

"I don't want it to be."

"I don't, either," I confessed.

"We've been idiots, you know that?" Looking down at her hands, she was suddenly very interested in the nail on her index finger. When she spoke again, I felt something I hadn't felt since I left Santa Fe... hope. "Edward, the bottom line is I'm just not happy without you. I'm lonely and sad and scared again. I hate it."

It was time to be honest. Time to tell her _my _fears.

"I don't know who I am anymore, Bella."

"I don't think I do, either," she agreed quickly.

A heavy silence settled over us.

"Where do we go from here?" I asked, completely at a loss.

"I don't know," she said, trying very hard not to cry.

I wanted to reach out to her, hold her hand or something. But I was stuck. Losing the battle with her tears, small droplets rolled down her face.

"I could really use some ice cream right now," she said, her nose getting stuffy.

"All I have is strawberry gelato. My mother loves the stuff."

"It will have to do. This is kind of an emergency." A tiny smile played on her lips.

I nodded and got her the pint from the freezer and a spoon from the drawer. When I handed them to her, our fingers brushed against each other. We didn't move them. Despite the freezing cold pint, we held on, relishing in the only contact we'd had in two months. I didn't know what she was doing when she lowered her head. But when her lips gently kissed my finger, my knees felt weak.

"I'm sorry." She kissed again. "I'm sorry." Another kiss. I couldn't look away and I didn't make her stop. Firstly, it was the only apology I could ever remember getting in my entire life. I was the one who apologized to others, usually. Secondly, it was beautiful, heart breaking, and incredibly erotic all at the same time.

I went to my knees in front of her and stopped her head from kissing my hand again. She looked at me expectantly.

"Can we do things right this time?"

"I don't know how. All I know is what not to do," Bella admitted.

"That's a start."

I put the gelato on the table and took her hands in mine.

"Bella, there are a few things I want to tell you about my past. Things I've been scared to tell you."

"Never be afraid to tell me anything ever again."

I nodded. I think I finally got it.

"My full name is Edward Anthony Masen-Cullen..."

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**A/N**

**Aaaaaannnnnnnddddddd... I'm spent. Geez that was almost too much angst for me to handle and its my own damn story! **

**Thanks, as always, for sticking with me guys. I'd like to mention something that really touches me. A lot of you have mentioned in reviews and pm's how surprised you are that I don't have more reviews. The fandom is a big place and there are lots of stores I feel the same way about. That I have readers that are so invested, does a heart good. It means so much that I have people who look forward to my updates. Oh and also, please feel free to pimp as much as you want. Hehe.**

**Kisses, hugs, foozles, -Zhiv.**

**Reviews are like apologies, sometimes tough, sometimes sweet, but always welcomed.**


	22. Chapter 21, Fresh Start

**I'm sorry this took so long. I had to decide wether to stop and wrap-up, or make this much, much longer. I opted for wrapping up. That being said, I have decided that these two have more story to tell. So as soon as I'm finished with a little juicy Rosalie & Emmett novella called, "Shop Woman," I'm coming back for round two... so please make sure I'm on your author alert!**

**Thanks to HollettLA & TheOtherBella, for dealing with my indecisions and helping come to the right one. That and of course, wrangling all my commas, word usage, and general grade school mistakes. **

**As some of you figured, this almost the end. One more chapter after this, then a short epilogue. **

**James is in this chapter. I just want to say this: He doesn't rape, kidnap, molest, torture, kill, maim, injure, or so much as touch Bella... so no stressing!**

**I don't own, I just play.**

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**Chapter 21, Fresh Start**

**BPOV**

My heart broke and re-mended itself many times over during our conversation that night. He told me about shutting down. He told me he called his mother out of desperation. He told me that somewhere deep inside, he realized he could no longer push away what precious little family he had left. He told me that it was because of me that he was able to understand that. Even if we had stayed away from each other forever after our fall-out, he would have always been grateful that for that.

When his mother arrived, he told her everything. To his surprise, she sat and listened and took everything in. There were no comments, just the sound of his own voice. When he was done, she had tears in her eyes. He didn't understand at first, but she was simply overwhelmed; overwhelmed that he called, overwhelmed that he opened up, and especially overwhelmed that he found love. She admitted, with shame, that she never thought love was possible for him.

Esme wound up staying with Edward for nearly a month. In that time, Esme had single- handedly redone the entire apartment. She was sure that through the power of interior design, Edward's life would somehow, magically, fall into place. It wasn't quite that dramatic, but even Edward had to admit that something about having a space that was so "him," made him more at ease. I admitted, in turn, that I was ashamed that it hadn't been me to help him claim his own domain.

"It was really good to see her again. I needed her and she was there no questions asked. We still have shit we need to work on. As for my father… I can't go there yet."

"Why is it so much harder to face your father than your mother?"

"I wanted to be him. He had it all. He was handsome, successful; he had the beautiful wife, the wonderful house. I wanted people to look up at me like they did him. I wanted to save lives because that's what he did."

"He was your hero."

"Ya, he was. When everything went down the way it did, the image shattered for me. I felt so fucking betrayed by him. He was supposed to be perfect."

"No one's perfect."

"Had to learn that the hard way."

"I want to tell you something that I've never been able to admit out loud before now."

He looked at me expectantly.

"I ran away from Santa Fe. I ran away from the pain and the anger. I never faced it, not once. Everyone around me was so awed of my 'bravery.' It was bullshit. I just simply couldn't deal. I couldn't look at the desert and not see her. I couldn't pass a shoe store and not think about the sandals we bought there together. So I ran. I ran as far away as I could."

"Why New York?"

"No awe inspiring sunsets, no vast spaces, no dried chilies in the shop windows. Complete anonymity. There isn't a brave bone in my body, Edward. I run, hide, and shut down when things get bad."

"That's bullshit."

"No, it's not."

"How many people do you think have the balls to stand up to me?"

"Alice does."

"Alice is from Mars and we all know it."

I couldn't help but smile. I thought I was the only one who knew her dirty little secret.

"Edward, I stood up to you because I was fed up with myself and my life."

"How the hell does that make a difference? You said it yourself - you never let me win. You stood your ground and you wouldn't let me be a coward. That was brave, Bella. Not to mention you came here after finding out that I'm a head case. Nothing stopped you. Not the ghosts, not the scars, not my sparkling personality."

"I just wanted a change."

"You just don't see yourself, do you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you think you're beautiful?"

"I have my moments. I know I'm pretty."

"No. No moments... always. You're always beautiful, even puffy-eyed with a dripping nose."

I blushed.

"There are mere handfuls of women, maybe fewer, who would have had the patience and determination you have when it comes to me. I'll never take that for granted."

"Well, we're a perfect match because you don't see yourself, either."

"Oh, please, Bella," he answered sarcastically.

"You're strong. You have this indefinable sex appeal that makes me weak-kneed. You're generous to a fault. You're faithful, smart, and there are mere handfuls of men, maybe fewer, who have the heart and patience to deal with my issues. I'll never take you for granted either... never again, that is."

After a moment of heavy silence, he broke the tension.

"Hungry? I could really go for some Dan Dan Noodles."

"What?"

"About a week after I got back from Santa Fe, I had Alice get me Dan Dan Noodles. Silly, right? I just wanted whatever I could have of you. You said once you loved them, so..."

"If possible, I just fell a little more in love with you."

"Get ready to shout my name from the rooftops, then."

He picked up the phone, dialed a number by heart, and started speaking Chinese! When he hung up, he looked incredibly smug.

"What just happened here?" I said with a goofy smile on my face.

"I kind of became obsessed with those damn noodles after that first time. Alice was getting annoyed about constantly going down to Chinatown, so she had a little talk with the Chinese place a few blocks away. It's not Big Wong's, but if you've got a hankering, it does the trick."

"Are you telling me that anytime I want, I could have you order me a container of Dan Dan? Not to mention I get to hear you speak Chinese too, which, oddly, was a turn on?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying." he said proudly.

"Will you excuse me, please?"

I walked thorough the kitchen, down the hall, past bedrooms, the dining room, the living room, and through the French doors, until I was on the balcony overlooking the city. I could hear Edward behind me. I spread my arms out wide, tilted my head back and yelled at the top of lungs.

"I love Edward Masen!"

I could hear him laughing behind me. It was a wonderful sound.

"It's Cullen, remember?" he said quietly.

I turned around to find him smirking at me.

"To me, you're Cullen, but to the world, you're Masen. I won't ever betray that."

"Can I kiss you?" he asked as earnestly as he had the first time we kissed.

"Yes."

Unlike our first chaste kiss though, this one was slow and confident. There was heat and want, but also reverence in that kiss. When his arms wound around my body after, I let him hold me to him. We rocked and swayed together, following some mutually felt, yet inaudible, beat.

"Food will be here soon."

"That's the only thing that could break me away from you right now."

He snorted.

"Not sure if I should be touched or insulted."

As if on cue, the doorbell rang. Edward ran off to the door, leaving me on the balcony to marvel at the new plants, new chairs, tables, couches, and fire pit. Esme was amazing; I couldn't wait to meet her. I shook my head... I was thinking of Edward's and my future again. I never would have thought it, either. Just hours before I was contemplating moving back to Santa Fe, leaving New York and Edward forever. What a difference one Polish grandmother made. I would never be able to repay her. I'd try though. In my head a saw a delicate silver and white pearl necklace, maybe a hand hammered cross at the nape. Something simple, elegant, and incredibly beautiful, just like her. I knew I had the pearls, I was pretty sure there was a strand at the workshop... the cross, well I could have that made, or maybe Sue could find one for me...

"Bella, its cold out here."

"Hmm?" I was picturing a particularly elaborate silver clasp that I had been saving for something special...

"Bella?"

"Ya?"

"Noodles, Bella."

"Noodles? Oh! Noodles! Yes, let's eat!"

"Where were you?" he asked as he led me off the balcony.

"Just picturing the necklace I'll be making for Lydia. You're not still angry at her are you?"

"Not exactly angry, no."

"She did the right thing. I know it seems like she betrayed you, but it was what I needed to hear."

"I know that. It still stings."

"Fair enough."

"But don't worry, she still has a job. She's too... important."

"I completely agree."

In the kitchen, two large bowls were filled to the brim with broth, noodles, and other goodies. A pair of chopsticks and a bottle of Tsingtao were waiting for me too. We sat across from each other and slurped and sipped our meal in silence. We didn't need small talk anymore. We were way past that. I knew we were going to be okay when I realized that our combined silence wasn't uncomfortable anymore.

I went to my apartment that night. He didn't kick me out or anything, but I didn't think either of us was ready for that much intimacy just yet. Things between Edward and I were mending. We were slowly learning about ourselves again. We were also learning what it meant to be "us" again. We hadn't gotten past hugs and kisses and I was fine with that. It was what we needed. We needed slow and steady. We needed calm and easy and that's exactly what we were giving each other.

Although things with Edward were getting better, I was in an odd place. I had quit my job. Although things with Rosie's, Alice's, and my business were warming up, it wasn't hot enough for me to be financially stable. I was paying for rent, electricity, food, and everything else with a small bank account and things were getting sticky. I was going to need a part-time job and that just sucked. I loved having the time to work on my jewelry and the business. I loved doing what I wanted when I wanted. I really loved not being around horny delivery guys all day, too. Although, I did miss seeing Jake every day.

Jake started to com to the occasional Sunday brunch with the girls. They loved him, of course. It was pretty hard not to. It turned out that Jake was thinking about getting out of the delivery business. It was a kid's sport and while there were guys who forced themselves to continue into their 40's, at 33, he was tired of the traffic, crashes, and idiot losers he worked with. On top of that, he and his current boyfriend, Seth, a High School drama teacher, were getting serious. Seth hated the idea of Jake hurling his body through NYC traffic everyday, too. I didn't blame him, I'd heard of one too many dislocated bones in my years at the dispatch office. Not really having anything other than a strong body and a pretty face, Jake had decided to become a personal trainer. It was perfect for him.

All around me loose ends were being tied up. Emmett and Rosie were moving in with each other and were looking for the perfect place. Alice and Jasper had decided on getting married the way they wanted to and having a large party for all of their family and friends after the fact. The wedding was going to be on Edward's balcony. There were going to be 20 people, only the closest friends and family. That Edward had agreed was a surprise to me, but knowing Alice, she had used some sort of Jedi mind trick on him. Come May 28th, there would be flowers, a caterer, a red carpet, a justice of the peace, and table and chairs set up for the event. Alice was all atwitter with planning. She was having her dress made and Rosie and I were scheduled for a massive shopping trip to find our bridesmaid dresses the second weekend in May.

It was great to see the world around me settle and ease into happiness. I was getting there, too, but there were still so many balls up in the air, I got stressed at times. I tried my damnedest not to take it out on Edward, but he always seemed to know exactly when I needed some ice cream to settle my nerves. I was going to need Jake's services by the time my own life had figured itself out. There were one too many pints of Ben and Jerry sitting on my thighs.

It had been just about seven weeks since Edward and I had made-up when I walked into the Starbucks in Chelsea. I was showing a new boutique Rosie's and my latest collection. It had gone well and I was craving an iced mocha as a treat for a job well done.

"I'll take a Venti Latte and put them both on this card, please. Thanks." Said a man's voice behind me.

I turned around to see a handsome, tall, blonde guy who looked familiar. I couldn't place him, though.

"I'll give you a hint," he said as he winked at me.

"Okay..."

He quietly sang, "Jem is truly outrageous, truly, truly, truly outrageous."

"Oh my god! Robin Hood! Umm... James! Right?"

"You got it, Bella."

"Wow. How did you recognize me without - "

He cut me off, "Without the stilettos, tiny dress, and makeup?"

I rolled my eyes. "Right. I'm just Clark Kent today."

"Don't you mean Jerrica Benton?"

"Okay, now I'm impressed. How on earth do you know that Jem is Jerrica's alter-ego?"

"Three older sisters."

"Ahh, well that explains it."

"VENTI AND AN ICED MOCHA!" yelled one of the baristas.

James went to grab the drinks and took them to a table.

"You have a minute, right?"

"Umm, yes, I suppose. Will you let me pay you back for the mocha, though?"

"Nope."

"Didn't think so."

"So, Jem," he smiled, "what have you been up to? And please tell me the boyfriend is gone?"

If he weren't so easy and charming, I would have flipped him the bird and walked out with my mocha. I just didn't have the heart to be rude to the guy, though.

"My friends and I started an accessories company and Edward is still around. Very much so, in fact."

"Well, I'm not going to pretend I'm happy about that, but congrats on the biz."

"Thanks... I think."

He laughed easily.

"You're welcome. I'm not used to being turned down."

"Hmm. Listen, not to be rude or anything... but you're wearing an expensive suit, you have a briefcase, and you're probably a lawyer or something. I'm not exactly Jackie O over here."

"Funny, too. Damn. Wish I'd found you first. This Edward is a lucky bastard."

I simply waited for his response. I was curious. I wasn't straight-laced or conservative. Must have had something to do with the twenty shades of red and orange in my hair.

"I'm not a lawyer. I run my own hedge fund. Don't let the suit fool you, either. There's a full chest piece under this shirt. I own a Harley, not to mention a few other toys. I like redheads. I also like curves. Plus, I'm a sucker for brown eyes."

"Careful, you're about to overstep your bounds."

"Sorry, really. I don't like the word 'no'. I respect it, but I really don't like it. Listen, I'm a good guy, I'm just cocky as hell and, when I see something I like, I do everything I can to get it."

"Well, you can't get me. I'm taken. But I'll keep an eye out for any curvy redheads, I promise."

"Thanks. Here take my card. I'm not being a dick, promise. If you need some help with the new business, let me know, okay? It's the least I can do for coming on as strong as I did."

"That's decent of you, James, thanks. I'll be sure to send any future curvy redheads your way."

"Deal."

As a friendly gesture, he put out his hand. I put mine out in return and we shook. After that, we took our cups and went out separate ways. I didn't think I'd ever be able to handle someone that cock-sure, but I could see why women would flock to him. I knew why he was never turned down.

My little run-in with James was just the confidence boost I needed to run over to Edward's and kiss him. The closer I got, though, the more I wanted. Kissing just wasn't going to be enough.

**EPOV**

One moment my life was pointless, the next I couldn't help but smile. It didn't matter how annoyed or angry or sad I was, because she was right. She fought for us every time. All I ever did was try to sabotage and try to make up for my mistakes. She knew everything. All of my disturbing little secrets and even so, she still wouldn't give up. In fact, she came and fought for us again because of those secrets. I had no illusions that life would be perfectly smooth, but I knew we'd never be running away from each other again.

It was late afternoon when I heard her walking through the apartment. I knew the rhythm of her steps. I could see her hips moving with every foot fall. Alice's steps were quick and light, as if she was always late for something. Lydia moved slower, with a heavier sound. But Bella sauntered and swayed as she moved. I was on the phone, but I knew she was about to walk through my office door. She still had her keys after all that time apart. She was finally learning to use them, too. No more bell ringing. It was like she belonged there, which she did.

"It's generous, yes, but two point five would be more generous."

She stepped into the doorway, saw me on the phone, and mouthed if she could enter. I waved her in and she sauntered and swayed to the chair across from me and sat down. There was something I had wanted to ask her since before we left for Santa Fe. It was a long time coming, but I was still tripping over my own words. Things had been great, we were moving slowly and I didn't want her to think I was jumping into something too quickly.

"Of course you can write it off, Lenny. Right... I understand... so we have a deal...? Two point five...?"

I wanted her with me every morning though. I knew we hadn't been together since we made up, but I didn't care if took another three or four months. Just having her with me every night and every morning was going to be enough for me. For the life of me though, I couldn't figure out how to bring it up without feeling stupid or coming across as desperate.

"Great. I'll let them know they can expect the transfer sometime this week... You too... Talk soon, Lenny."

I hung up, rolled over to her in my chair, leaned over and kissed her forehead.

"Afternoon, beautiful. How did the meeting go?"

"Pretty good I think. I won't hold my breath, but they seemed impressed by what I showed them."

"They should be impressed, you and Rose are amazing."

"Aww shucks, mister."

I took her hands in mine.

"So, not that I'm complaining, but why the visit?"

"Well, I had an interesting afternoon and it made me realize that... umm... I..."

"You're not usually this nervous... what's going on?"

Instead of answering, she stood up and sat back down on my lap.

"I miss you."

"I'm right here."

"No, I _miss_you."

To further explain her point, she laid a searing kiss on me, biting my bottom lip as she pulled away.

"Wow."

She giggled.

I pulled her to me, licked my lips, and kissed her like I had wanted to for the past week. As we were making out I couldn't help but wonder what in her "interesting" afternoon was spurring her actions.

"Beautiful?" I said between kisses.

"Yes?"

"What happened this afternoon?"

She pulled away in order to speak.

"Remember Halloween?"

"How can I forget? It was one of the hottest nights of my life," I admitted. My dick seemed to remember, too. It was getting hard at the memory; Bella's radiating heat on my lap didn't hurt, either.

"Mine, too." She admitted. "Remember that guy, James?"

"James?" I asked, trying very hard to concentrate on her words as all the blood was leaving my brain to travel much further south.

"Robin Hood."

"That douche-bag in tights?"

She laughed a little, "Ya, okay, that douche-bag in tights."

"What about him?" I asked, my attention slipping.

"I ran into him at the Starbucks I went to after my meeting. He paid for my mocha."

That's what Bella said. What my blood-drained, Neanderthal brain heard was "An unmarried, good looking guy - without issues - who finds my woman hot, paid for her coffee and tried to take her away from me."

She continued from there. "I told him we were still together and he respected that. But... can I be honest?"

_NO! FUCK NO!_"Yes." I said much more calmly than I felt.

"Knowing that he still liked what he saw... well, it kind of gave me the confidence I needed to come here and straddle you."

"I wasn't enough?" I asked half jokingly, also half insulted. I had to remind myself to NOT jump to conclusions. It never ended well for us.

"You're more than enough, it just took a little push for me to think_ I _was enough again."

"Fuck that."

I pushed my groin up, rubbing against her crotch. She was wearing a pair of dress pants, conveniently thinner than jeans.

She gasped.

"You feel that?"

"God, yes!"

"That's what you do to me, Bella. Always. I'll always want you. I'll always want to pummel any guy who looks at you... or, for fuck's sake, buys you a goddamn mocha." I said grinding into her.

"It was nothing... I brushed him off. You know it's only you..."

"I know it, but he didn't. I trust you, it every other man on the planet I don't trust."

"I should be turned off by the macho shit," she said more to herself than me.

It wasn't the way I wanted to ask - horny, hard, and desperate for her to be naked - but we had never been "correct" or "normal."

She was unbuttoning her white shirt. I hadn't seen so much as her bra strap in over a month. It was damn fucking distracting, but I needed to say it before I lost my nerve. With her fingers about to reveal her amazing fucking tits to me, I blurted it out.

"Move in with me."

"What?" she asked. Her fingers stopping in mid-unbuttoning.

"I wanted to ask before Santa Fe but I didn't want to overwhelm you. Good job, huh?"

She seemed stuck, frozen. My body seemed to realize that my brain needed blood again and my dick softened.

"I want you with me all the time. I want to wake up to you everyday."

She looked panicked.

"Breathe, Bella, please."

She took in a gulp of air.

"Why now?" she asked.

"I like knowing that no matter how many men want you, it's me you'd come home to. Also, nothing in this world makes me feel as good as you do."

"Shit."

"I'm sorry, this isn't how I wanted to ask. Actually, I didn't know how to ask... but it wasn't like this," I rambled.

She stood up with her back facing me and took a few steps.

"Christ, Bella, I shouldn't have said anything. Listen, we can take this slower. But I'm not sorry I asked. I want you out of that shitty apartment that you pay too much for. I don't like knowing that there are only a couple of flimsy locks keeping you safe. Let me take care of you a little, okay? I just want to keep you with me."

There was no answer from her, but when her blouse fell to the floor and she turned around in a flesh-toned bra, her nipples poking through the thin, almost see-thru fabric, my dick was hard in a second.

"Okay."

"Okay?" I asked, blood pumping between thighs.

"My lease is up in August, I can move then."

"Fuck that. Tomorrow."

"What about my lease?"

"Consider that shit paid."

"I can't let you..."

I cut her off. "Yes, you fucking can. Now come here."

She sauntered back over to me. I grabbed her hips, pulled her close, and took a hardened, covered nipple into my mouth. The sound she made had me growling. Her hands went to my hair, which was much longer than it had been in years. She grabbed and tugged a little. It felt fucking amazing. My hands traveled up the curve of her hip, past her waist, and up the expanse of her back. When I felt the clasp of her bra, I fumbled - it had been a while. Soon enough though, it was unhooked. I bit down on her nipple gently, pulled on the fabric with my teeth, tugging. She spread her arms and let me pull away the sheer fabric from her body completely.

Hard, dark pink tips surrounded by creamy, round flesh met my eyes.

"Let's go."

"Where?"

"The bed. I'm not going to make love to you for the first time in months in my office."

"Office first, then bed."

To prove her point, she walked to my desk, pushed aside all the loose paper and random pens, and then sat on it, waiting for me. It was like a cheap porno, but ask me if I cared? She was pulling off her shoes while I pulled off my shirt. She unbuttoned her pants while I unzipped my jeans. I pulled my pants off while she shimmied out of hers. When her pants fell away, she was left in a pair of sheer black pantyhose, a pair of black panties beneath. She looked so wicked, so positively delicious there.

I pulled my boxers down with my jeans and stepped out of them; my ever growing hard-on sprang free. I couldn't help but grab my length and pump it while staring at her. What was it about nylons on a woman that was so outrageously sexy? She bit her bottom lip while staring at my hand work over my dick. When her hand dipped beneath her hose and beneath her panties, I thought I'd lose it.

I won't lie. I'd had hundreds of fantasies of what it would be like to be with my Bella again when we got back together weeks before. I thought of sweet things, slow things, and gentle things. Standing there watching her touch herself beneath her lingerie while I jerked myself off... there were nothing but hard, fast, and desperate things flashing before me.

First on the list? I wanted Bella's taste in my mouth. It had been too long. Taking a pillow from the chair and placing it front of Bella, I sank to the floor. She moved her hand in anticipation.

"Don't you fucking dare. Keep touching yourself, beautiful."

She threw her head back and moaned at my words. I kneeled before her. I wanted her in those fucking hose for as long as I could keep them on her. So I did the only thing I could think of. I grabbed at the nylon by her crotch, ripped it with my fingers, reveling in the pure heat that met my knuckles. With shaking fingers, I pulled aside the simple black fabric of her panties to expose her pointer finger, working at her own nub.

I wanted to lick her. I wanted to suck on her until she begged me not to. But being that close to her heat, to her smell... it had been too long and I wouldn't last. I stood up, pushed her further back onto the desk, barked at her to move her hand, then in one swift, forceful move, I pushed myself into her. I growled. She gasped and whimpered. She was so fucking tight after so much time without my dick. I actually had to think about stock prices to get myself under control.

When I felt her squirm around me, her hips and ass wiggling beneath me, I pulled out and slammed back into her to still her body. I did it again, savoring the absolutely wanton sounds coming from her mouth. The fabric of her panties rubbed against my shaft; the elastic didn't care how gently it scraped my flesh. The feeling was intense.

Bella grabbed her tits and squeezed, letting her fingers dig into the softness there. When she hissed from the pain, I doubled my efforts. Faster, harder, faster, harder.

"Fucking come for me, Bella."

Her hand flew to her pussy. Pushing aside various fabrics, she let her finger continue what it started. Lubricating her finger with whatever slickness was on my shaft, she rubbed. I was ready to fucking pop, but I wouldn't, not until she did. It didn't take long. We were both wound so tight. She cursed and convulsed as her orgasm hit her. She arched her back, her tits thrusting toward the ceiling. With a roar, I came hard and quickly.

When I knew I could stand straight and my legs weren't shaking anymore, I pulled out. I took a few deep breaths before I scooped Bella up. Her arms found their way around my neck and all was right with my world.

When we reached the bathroom, I set her on the counter. She winced from the cold marble but adjusted. As she peeled the stockings and panties from her body, I put on every shower head and let the room steam up. When I felt a small, soft body hug me from behind, I turned around in her arms and bent down to kiss her. I gently walked her to the shower wall, soaped up my hands, and washed her. No sponges. I needed to feel her, every part of her. When it was time to clean her sex, I couldn't help but make her come again, against the wall, writhing against my body.

I took her against that wall. My body wouldn't wait any longer. Picking her up, her legs wrapped around my body as I fucked her pressed against the tiles. It was quick and exquisite. We washed each other again before drying off and climbing into bed.

A woke up to a wet warmth on my dick. I threw off the covers to find Bella sucking me. What a way to be woken up. When I was rock hard, I pulled her from me and entered her slowly, gently. We savored each other well into the morning, not wanting our joining to end. When we felt as if we were too close to coming, we would pull apart, calm down, simply touch and whisper. When we were ready, I would enter her again, slipping in, luxuriating in her slick heat. We let each other come as the sun rose over the city. There more declarations of love than I could ever remember.

* * *

**A/N**

**I needed that. **

**Reviews are almost better than shower sex ;-)**


	23. Chapter 22, A Chic Wedding

**I made a polyvore page for the fashions in this chapter. Check it out here: http:/www(dot)polyvore(dot)com/cgi/set?id=31148538**

**Many hugs to HollettLA & TheOtherBella for spending their time to correct my mistakes. **

**This chapter is short but sweet but important, too. Pay attention to the dates guys. **

**I don't own, I just play.**

* * *

**Chapter 22, A Chic Wedding**

**BPOV**

_**May 28, 2011**_

"Alice, do I even want to know how?"

I was wearing, hands down, the coolest, sexiest, most stellar, gorgeous dress that had ever been on my body. It was a black and white polka-dotted, asymmetrical, strapless Vivienne Westwood. The real shocker was that I wasn't paying a thing for it!

"It's all in who you know!" She said bouncing in place looking from me to Rosie, who was wearing the same dress. "Seriously, you two look so amazing!"

I couldn't help but agree. We didn't have shoes or anything yet, but the dresses were perfect.

"I just called Angela. I told her I was getting hitched, that I needed my two best bitches to look fierce, and she came through... and how! All she wanted was some pictures to brag about... maybe send to a few publications if they came out well. Of course they will though, we're the hottest women in New York!"

Angela, Alice's stylist friend who we had to thank for putting our company name out in the fashion world, had come through for us again. All she wanted in return for the insane fashion she was throwing our way, was some pictures of her work to shop around the fashion magazines, blogs, and other sites. She sent over about six dresses, one each in both my and Rosie's sizes. The Westwood was the third dress we tried on. As soon as we'd tried all six on, we came back to it.

"I'm thinking red, right?" said Alice.

"Red what?" asked Rosie.

"Shoes! Duh! Nothing is chicer than red shoes with polka dots."

Rosie and I shared a look.

"And what about you, our bouncy little alien? Where's your dress?"

"Do you wanna see? It's sooo incredible!"

"Of course!" We said in unison.

The dress that the seamstress had made for Alice was trashed. It wasn't awful, it just wasn't special enough. Alice was beside herself about it, though. It was mere weeks before the wedding and she had no dress, well none that fit her standards, anyway. She called Angela in tears, pouring her fashionable heart out. Angela, being the sweetheart that she was, went on a mad dash search for a green satin dress that was worthy of Alice. Rosie and I hadn't seen it, but we knew it was an Elie Saab number and therefore had to be amazing.

As Alice dashed off to wiggle into her dress, we got out of our own masterpieces and hung them up. I had my shirt stuck above my head, caught on my watch, when I heard Rosie gasp. The more I struggled, the worse my state got. Eventually I called for help, got laughed at, then was saved. When my shirt was firmly in place, I turned to look at Alice. Tears sprang to my eyes. She was spectacular. The dress was a dream. Soft green satin, gathered at the hips and tied at the waist in a bow. The deep cowl neck was offset by criss-crossed straps in the back. It was too long for her and pooled at her feet, her hair wasn't done, she didn't have a stitch of makeup on, but none of it mattered. She was stunning.

"Oh, Alice," I sighed.

"Right?" she sighed back.

"It's just... I mean..." Rosie was at a loss for words, too.

"Purple?" Alice asked out of nowhere.

"Huh?" Rosie and I said in unison.

"You know, shoes. Purple?"

We helped her out of the dress and left it in the guestroom where we were playing dress up. Alice didn't want any of our guys seeing our dresses, so she thought it best to keep them there. Once she was dressed, we headed out for shoes and accessories. At Henri Bendel, Rosie and I found hair accessories, and Alice found an antique brooch to put in her hair. At Saks we all found our undergarments and lingerie and at Bloomingdales, we found our shoes. By the time dinner rolled around, we were beat. After treating ourselves to ice cream sundaes for dinner, Rosie and Alice headed downtown and I called Felix to pick me up and take me back home.

I only half believed Edward when he said he wanted me to move in with him "tomorrow." He meant it, though. The afternoon after he had asked me to move in with him, he had come to my apartment and helped me pack. The whole thing only took a week. Of course, I didn't have that much stuff and my apartment was tiny. Besides clothes and some kitchen items, everything else was donated to the Red Cross or left out on the street. Edward even worked his magic and got me out of my lease somehow.

He asked me if I wanted anything changed in his place. He was more than happy to call his mother or even a designer to come over. I told him to leave it, at least for the time being. I was comfortable and at ease there, no need to rush into changing things. He did have the walk-in closet expanded in the - our - bedroom, though. I had more space than I knew what to do with.

My parents, especially Sue, were thrilled about us reconciling and moving in with each other. In fact, they were coming for a long weekend in June to see my new home. Home. Home with Edward. If you had asked me when I moved to New York if I had ever expected to call a massive penthouse overlooking Central Park, complete with terraces, doormen, a car, a driver, and any luxury I could think of, "home," I would have asked you what you were smoking. But being in that penthouse felt more like home than even my old bedroom in my father's house did. And why wouldn't it? Edward was there.

The wedding was weeks away and Alice was a nightmare. For the most part, we left her alone. We only did what was asked of us and we only spoke when spoken to. A week before the event, the tent went up. The day before the event, the chairs were set up. The day of was a mad house. Between the caterers, the florists, Angela's crew, which included Angela (she handled all the men's suits, too), a hairdresser, and a makeup artist, it felt like we were getting ready for the Academy Awards and not a wedding for under 30 people.

The weather was perfect, thank God! None of us knew what it would take to console the alien should it have rained. It seemed everyone was nervous for their own reasons. Alice was worried something was going to go wrong. Edward was nervous about seeing people he hadn't seen in years and also meeting a few new people (I couldn't stop telling him how proud I was of him and how extraordinarily brave he was being), and I was nervous because I was meeting his parents, Esme and Carlisle, for the first time.

Alice was being a tyrant about people seeing any of us. She relished the drama of a big reveal. So, Rose, Alice, and I were cooped up in a guest bedroom being poked and prodded while the men were allowed to roam about. When the makeup artist told me she was done, I got up to look at myself in the mirror. Damn, I looked good. I looked really, really good. My hair was an artfully teased, curly rat's nest of mess with the black and white feather headpiece resting in the chaos. It was very runway-chic. The dress hugged and hung perfectly, and the shoes were to die for.

All in all, I thought I gave Rosie a run for her money. All bets were off when Alice stepped out of the bathroom, though. She was incredible. Everything was so perfect. Her short blue hair was in slicked waves across her head. The antique brooch rested just above her right ear. Diamond studs, a wedding gift from Jasper, glittered in her ears. Green satin wrapped her body and when she moved, her purple shoes poked through from beneath the hem of her dress. Only she could have pulled off something like that. Her matte red lips matched her bright red bouquet and she seemed to be in a bubble of serenity and calm... a rarity for our little alien.

A knock at the door was followed by a deep southern voice, "Y'all decent, ladies?"

"Yes, Pop. Come in," answered Alice.

"Pop," or Captain Archibald Lewis Whitlock, Jasper's father and a retired naval officer, was walking Alice down the aisle. A large, imposing Texan with a commanding presence, Archibald was all bark and no bite. Oh I'm sure he was once a cut-throat captain, but these days he was a just a teddy bear and a sucker for Alice - he only ever had Jasper and his troops to father, after all. Alice's real father ran away with an 18-year-old stripper years ago. Last anyone heard, he was living in the Bahamas with her. He didn't keep in touch with his family and no one bothered to waste any time in trying to find him. Alice had originally asked Edward. He was honored, but bowed out gracefully; he didn't want to be in more pictures than necessary. Alice understood. I did too, although I wish I hadn't needed to.

"Alice you look amazing, darlin'. Jasper won't know what hit him!"

"Thanks, Pop."

"You ready, ladies?"

We all looked to Alice who nodded. Rosie and I walked ahead and Alice took Pop's arm. When we were in the living room and could finally see everything, I was amazed. The city was putting on a show. The violet light of twilight hung over the terrace where thousands of twinkle lights lit trees, tents, and shrubs. A long red carpet led a path from the French doors to a very dapper looking Jasper in a black pinstripe suit. Rosie walked out first while the guitarist from the jazz band quietly strummed, "I've Got a Crush on You."

Emmett stood next to Jasper, a massive smile on his face from looking at Rosie. When she was halfway down the aisle, I stepped through the doors and caught a glimpse of Edward in the back row of chairs. He smiled his half smile and winked at me. It made me stand that much taller and sashay that much more. I knew when Alice was on her way by the audible gasp from everyone. While everyone looked at her, I looked at Jasper. He looked shocked or awed, or probably both. His mouth was open and his eyes were wide.

When Alice and Archibald stopped, I took her bouquet and Pop sat down next to his wife, Jasper's mother, who had tears in her eyes.

They exchanged simple vows, kissed, and were pronounced husband and wife. We all cheered. I handed Alice back her flowers, they made their way back into the apartment where Jasper kissed her again. They spoke quietly, smiling and pecking each other until the photographer interrupted them.

"You look stunning, you know that, right?" A pair of strong arms wrapped themselves around my waist.

"Yes, I do. You're looking pretty good yourself there."

"I did my best, but nothing compares to you."

"Love you. I have to go take pictures soon."

"Love you, too. I'll be here waiting for you, beautiful."

I kissed him quickly before finding everyone else for photos.

What seemed like hours later, we were free from the evil photographer and his assistant and were finally able to enjoy the party. When I was introduced to Esme and Carlisle, I was shaking with nerves. I needn't have worried. They were gracious and so incredibly happy to meet me. Esme actually cried when she hugged me. She whispered thanks for "giving me back my son." I thanked her back for "taking care of him when I was too blind to."

Carlisle was everything I imagined him to be. Handsome, tall, confident, well mannered. I could tell he was a little uncomfortable, but it was understandable. After dessert, he and Edward walked off together. Esme and I danced and shared some really good laughs. When the men returned, they both seemed more at ease. I knew it would take some time before things between the two of them were relaxed and easy, but I was glad to have witnessed the first step.

It was three A.M. before the last caterer, cleaning person, guest, and musician had left the apartment. Edward and I fell on the bed in unison and sighed. It had been an exhausting, but incredible, night.

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Take off my shoes, please? I don't think I'm strong enough to pull them off my swollen feet."

He laughed before shifting his weight. A moment later I could feel his calloused, scarred hand grab my ankle and struggle with the shoe strap.

"Man, you weren't kidding!"

I reached over my head, grabbed a pillow and launched it at his head.

"Oaf!"

"Sorry, sorry!" He kissed my foot as he finally pulled the shoe off.

When the second one was off, I moaned in relief.

"Now what the hell am I going to do about my hair?"

He laughed. "I was kind of wondering that myself," he admitted.

"I think my only option is dunking it in water repeatedly and conditioning the hell out of it."

"Shower it is. Come on, I'll help you out of that dress."

"Carefully, please. This is a Vivienne Westwood," I said with pride.

Carefully, he helped me unzip and step out of the dress. When it was off and I was in nothing but my bustier and panties, Edward groaned.

"What?" I asked.

"I really wish I had the energy to fuck you right now. You look entirely too sexy for three A.M."

"You say the sweetest things."

When we were both naked, we stepped into the shower. Edward helped me untangle and slather my hair with almost half a bottle of conditioner. When my hair was once again manageable and back to normal, we stepped out, dried off, walked to bed half asleep, and collapsed. I made my way to his side, put my head on his shoulder, and let his arms cradle me. I was so comfortable, so ready for sleep...

"You know," he whispered, "last week was the anniversary of my accident."

I didn't even breathe.

"I didn't realize what day it was until I saw the article in my email box. Years ago, like some crazed masochist, I set up an alert for any mention of my name in any of the Boston area newspapers to be emailed to me. Alice usually sends scotch to my father and peonies to my mother on the anniversary on my behalf. This year, with the wedding, Alice forgot, too."

I was about to apologize, or ask him if he was okay - say anything really - when he started speaking again.

"I never thought I'd see the day when I could so easily forget. Between the wedding, my mother, life in general, and of course you, it just didn't matter so much anymore."

My heart swelled.

"I canceled that stupid alert that very afternoon, by the way..."

I could feel my eyes tearing.

"Maybe next year May 20th won't be anything other than a regular day of the week."

I forced myself not to cry. No more tears needed to spilled over that fateful day.

"I'd like that. May 20th, just another day," he mused.

I took a deep breath and let contentment in his words wash over me. I could see him smiling in my head without even looking at his face.

"Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that."

I swallowed my outburst and instead, gave him a simple and quiet "thank you."

"It's almost dawn. We really should get some sleep."

I nodded into the crook of his body, snuggling into the man who was letting his past go. The air around us seemed so much lighter... so much sweeter.

"Love you, beautiful," he said sleepily, yet sincerely.

"Love you too, Edward," I said, before closing my eyes and falling asleep.

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**A/N**

**Just the epi left. I hope you enjoyed this ride as much as I did. I'll get a little more emotional at the end of said epi.**

**Reviews are as good as Vivienne Westwood dresses... sigh.**


	24. Epilogue

**This is it, the Epilogue. I can't tell you how great this whole experience has been. I've loved witting this and I loved reading every single of your comments. In fact, I've loved this so much, that I decided a part two was in order. I have been buoyed by your words and devotion to this story, so thank you to every reviewer, every fave author or story add, and every story alert. Thank you all so, so much. **

**To HollettLA, you've made me a better writer. I mean that completely. You've become a friend, too. Thank you for all the free time I've taken up and all the redundant silly mistakes that you have graciously and patiently corrected for me.**

**To TheOtherBella, you were my best cheerleader. NO matter how many times I was unsure of myself or what I was writing, you were right there to tell me I was nuts, I was great, and what I was writing was worth it. Thanks for that bb, everyone needs one of you! And although we haven't met YET, we've also become friends and I look forward to our Broadway date. **

**I don't own, I just play.**

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**Epilogue**

_**October 15, 2011**_

**EPOV**

Bella, Rosalie, and Alice had worked their asses off.

I knew the three of them would be a force to be reckoned with. With Bella and Rosalie's talent and Alice's relentless spirit, they could only ever succeed. Succeed they did. Vogue Magazine had an exclusive "Under The Radar" article for their Spring 2012 issue. One clothing designer, one shoe designer, one hat, one coat designer... you get the point. Swan & Hale campaigned like politicians to get in that issue. The real problem was, if they made it, their one company would cover two categories, jewelry and accessories. Thanks not only to their hard work, but the hype of Angela Weber, Alice's stylist friend, they made it. I don't think I'd ever been so proud in my life.

There was a huge party thrown by Vogue. The press and even well-known designers were there. It was big night for Swan & Hale. More than anything I wanted to be there, but if I had shown up, the attention - unwarranted and unwanted attention - would have been on me, not them. So, reluctantly, I stayed home. I had the girl, love, and happiness, but things would never be easy. Of course she understood. I wish she never had to, though.

Since Alice had been so busy with Swan & Hale, I hired a new assistant. I kept it in the "family" though. One of Lydia's daughters-in-law had a sister who had just graduated college. I was nervous about hiring someone new, but Alice was simply not an option anymore. Katie was manically organized, punctual to a fault, and a tech-wiz. When she went off on one of her techie tangents, I had to tune out; I only ever understood ever other word, anyway. Katie worked hard, was efficient, and after a few weeks, I was hooked. My business life had never run smoother.

Since I couldn't attend the Vogue party, I had a little after party set-up at the apartment for the girls, Emmett and Jasper. Katie had ordered the food, champagne, and booked the jet for the following morning. I had a little surprise for Bella but hoped everyone would come along. It was Sue's idea, really. She loved that house just as much, probably more, than even Bella or I. It was difficult for Sue and Charlie to drop everything and visit New York because of his job and since Bella had conquered her fears and was willing to be in Santa Fe again - well, it just made sense to buy the house. Now, we could visit whenever we wanted and Sue had someplace to escape to when Charlie was being an ass.

I had made a few adjustments, though. Sue and Katie found a designer and had a pool, backyard, and outdoor kitchen installed. I just sent them some pictures and let them handle it. I couldn't wait to see the result. I had plans to maybe build a guest house, too. Lord knew we had enough space. I decided to buy all that land behind the house. I just couldn't imagine that beautiful expanse of earth being covered with houses. Bella and I not only had a genuine adobe to our name, but about 50 acres of Santa Fe land, too.

When Bella and the gang showed up just after eleven in the evening, everything was set up for them. I kissed Bella, hugged everyone else and asked how it went. Apparently, Diane Von Furstenberg was at the party and talked to Bella and Rosalie about a possible partnership. I had no idea who that was, but they and Alice were beside themselves over it.

After everyone had a champagne flute in hand, we went around the room and each of us said a few words. When it was my turn, I praised the girls for their hard work and perseverance, then reached into my pocket. I pulled out a set of keys on a Santa Fe key chain and handed it to Bella. Everyone looked confused.

"What's this?" she asked, completely clueless.

"Those are keys."

"Dick," Emmett said.

Everyone laughed.

"I think she knows they're keys," he continued.

"Edward..." Bella said slowly, a look of understanding creeping onto her face. "You didn't!" She exclaimed.

"If you mean buy that house and the land behind it in Santa Fe, then yes, I damn well did."

"OH MY GOD!" Alice squealed. "You mean you bought that gorgeous mansion?"

"Mansion?" Jasper piped in.

"It's not really a mansion. It's just a really big house with a lot of fucking land behind it." I corrected.

"How big is big?" Jasper continued.

"Five bedrooms, four baths, two half baths, kitchen, living room, dining room..." I started.

"Like I said, a mansion." Alice sassed.

"Edward, I... I..." Bella bumbled.

"I think the phrase you're looking for is 'thank you'," Rosalie interrupted.

"Thank you?" Bella said, unsure.

"Finally! You're welcome, beautiful. We leave tomorrow. The jet takes off at three. Who's in?"

"Us! We are so in!" Alice said, bouncing.

"But what about the business... we're gong to have so many calls and..."

I cut Bella off.

"Yes, you are. But not until Monday. We have three days to spend grilling by the pool and..."

Bella cut _me_ off that time.

"There's no pool there, Edward."

"There is now," I grinned.

"So there, man!" Emmett said, throwing his hand up for a high five.

"Jasper, let's go, I have to pack." Alice stated.

"Alice, it's only three days, please don't go nuts." Jasper pleaded.

"Seriously, Jasper? How long have you known me?" Alice said as she dragged him through the apartment. "See you at the airport, guys!" Alice yelled from somewhere near the front hall.

Bella still seemed shocked and Rosalie and Emmett were making googly eyes at each other.

After another glass of champagne, Emmett and Rosalie got ready to leave, but not before Emmett pulled me to the kitchen while the girls were talking.

"Do me a favor, man."

"Anything, what's up?"

"It's burning a hole in my pocket. I was going to ask her tonight when we got back to her place, but I think it'll be more special at the house this weekend."

He handed me a faded dark blue velvet box. The velvet had worn away at the corners. It looked really old.

"Shit man, congratulations."

"Thanks. I thought I'd be nervous, but it just feels so right, you know?"

"Ya... I know," I said wistfully. "Can I open it?"

"Sure thing."

It was small round diamond, surrounded by a ring of emeralds. There was intricate scroll-work in the setting and band. It seemed like an antique.

"It was my great, great grandmother's. It's been handed down through the family. I'm the eldest boy, so I get it... well, Rosalie gets it."

"That's really special, man. I'm happy for you."

"Thanks. Take care of it!"

"Of course. See you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow."

I stood in the kitchen just staring at the ring. Bella and I had spoken about marriage. I was nervous about it, but not so nervous that I didn't want to ask her. Bella, on the other hand, wasn't keen on the idea at all. She just didn't see the need. I told her I'd never expect her to change her name or anything, but I wanted to be sure that no matter what, she was always taken care of. She argued that it wasn't 1950 anymore and if I was really all that worried, to just make sure my will included her.

I didn't understand her thinking. Although her mother and father's marriage hadn't worked out, Charlie and Sue had been together for a very long time… they were happy, too. Also, if anything, Sue ran that marriage, not Charlie. I also didn't see anything antiquated about taking care of the person you loved. It had nothing to do with my power over her and everything to do with her well-being, her health and comfort. I didn't push and I never would. Ultimately, though, I would convince myself that I was lucky enough to have her in my life and home; I didn't need to tempt fate anymore than I had.

I said that, rationalized it in my head, but in my heart, I didn't mean it.

I pocketed the box and went to say goodbye to Rosalie. Late that night, after I showed Bella the ring, she smiled broadly.

"He's going to make her so happy."

"You make me happy."

"Aww, you big baby. You make me happy, too. I can't believe you bought us a house."

"Hey, don't forget the land. It cost more than the damn house."

"Okay. I can't believe you bought us a house and that damn land."

"That's better."

"I'm excited. Crazy nervous, too, but mostly excited."

"Glad to hear it. But you've already seen the place, Bella."

"No, no, not about the house... I mean yes, I'm excited about the house, too, but I meant the business. You know my goal was to someday be in the pages of Vogue. I just never thought it would be so soon. It's like every dream I every thought up is coming true. How many people get to say that?"

"You deserve all of it."

"We're going to be a wild success, aren't we?"

I didn't know if she meant us, the business, or both, but the answer was the same for all three.

"Yes, absolutely. Just don't go falling in love with some fancy schmancy fashion dude, okay?"

"Oh, haven't you heard? I already fell in love with this crazy, sexy, tattooed guy."

"Oh, ya?" I said, as she crawled toward me on the bed.

"Yeah. He's kind of scary looking, but once you get past all that, he's the sweetest," she kissed my nose, "kindest," she kissed my cheek, "most generous and wonderful guy a woman could ever hope for," she pecked at my lips and left me wanting so much more.

"This guy have a name?"

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, but to me, he's just Edward." She straddled my legs as I lay flat on my back.

"Sounds like you dig this guy," I said as I winked.

"I fucking love this guy," she said as she lifted her nightgown over her head and threw it to the ground.

We wound up not sleeping that night at all. Instead, we fucked. When we were done, we talked and laughed, then made love. Later that morning, by the time I was done licking her to a climax, the sun came up. After she sucked me off in the shower, I held her close to me, then washed her. By the time we had finished packing, we were oddly energized and ready to meet our friends - our family really - at the airport.

On the car ride to the jet, I made a promise to myself. Somehow, someday, Bella Swan would marry me. We had suffered enough in our short lives. As Bella told me the night before, her dreams had come true. She was loved, no longer lonely, and had made it in the pages of Vogue. I wanted everything I had ever dreamed of, too. I deserved it just as much as she did. That dream included a woman who loved me, wearing a ring that I had put on her finger. Someday that dream would be come true for me... after all, everything else had.

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**A/N **

**Don't forget to add me to author alert for part two. Also, come check out "Shop Woman," the hot and steamy novella I'm continuing. Chapter one is already up! **

**Kisses all!**

**Reviews are like hugs and I love hugs.**


	25. AUTHOR NOTE

**Hi all,**

**Just wanted everyone to know that the prologue for "Bella, Beastward, and Baby," the follow-up story to "Bella and the Beastward," is up! Please come check it out…**

**http : /www . fanfiction . net/s/7318954/1/Bella_Beastward_and_Baby**

**(remove spaces)**


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